Background: I'm a 21 year old female, been in a relationship with my 21 year old fiance for 5 years, engaged for 2 and we have 2 small children together. We're both eahc other's first relationship ever, so we don't have much experience with other people. We live in a small, over-crowded town home with my father, brother, and a roommate, due to financial struggles from all three sides and I suffer from depression, suicidal tendancies, general anxiety disorder and abandonment issues.

Forewarning: This is going to be long, if you want to help please read it all because all of it is relevant.


Problem: My fiance has been emotionally abusive for the last 4 years of our relationship. Though he had promised to change a million times before and didn't, he's now following through and has become a better person but I don't know if I'm still in love with him anymore.

Over the last few years our fighting has involved gas-lighting, breaking of furniture, doors, walls, threatening to leave every time a problem was brought up and then following through with those threats as the fighting got worse. I've been left during both my pregnancies multiple times and 6 weeks after our youngest was born he left for 2 months and refused to see our children, over suspected cheating even though I never did. We got back together after he found out I had slept with someone else (tbh it doesn't make much sense) under the conditions I cut out that guy forever. If I didn't he threatened never to be involved in our lives again and I got scared.

Things were good for a few months before the fighting started again, though we stopped the on/off which was an improvement i held onto. Then in December I had an unwanted abortion (before judgment, I'd like to mention that I've discovered BC pills are simply not effective for me so no it wasn't like I'm just an idiot having unprotected sex over and over, okay. I ****ing tried) and became extremely depressed in mourning. I became suicidal and because of all the past in my head I pushed my fiance away and refused to let him comfort me. So we fought even more.

In April it crossed a line. He became violent towards me, throwing a drink at me, and pushing me into boxes/bookcase over his laptop. I threw away and forever lost my engagement ring, and I was left covered in bruises to clean up the mess from the walls. I asked my parents to watch my children and went out as I didn't feel like I was in the right state of mind to care for them, and visited the guy I was forced to cut out.

My fiance found out we were dating for a couple days and freaked out. He threated to kill him, directly, through instagram PM, and came to my house to trash my room. My dad let him. I came home to him waiting for me on the curb, and seen what he had done. My BC Pills had been cut up and smashed to peices leading me to require emergency contraption immediately and having to convince my pharmacist to give me another pack early (which he did because btw it was my birthday week through all of this time) and he had cut up my photographs, ripped my birthday and valentines day cards, and wrote on my wall "you belong together".

So I died. Emotionally I did. I changed at that moment and since that day I've never felt the same ever again. My fiance still lives here, I needed a babysitter while I was at work and I've eneded up working so much that there was no point in him going home just to sleep to only come back. His mother wants us to go on a trip to Malaysia and I've agreed as he himself is too afraid to face her and tell her we broke up, and over the course of the last few months pretending ot still be in a relationship in front of our friends and family made me slowly lose my anger and now i feel like im stuck playing house. I feel like he's been good the last few months and i have no reason anymore ot be angry. I feel like he's tried to change and seemily succeeded so what can I say now. I dont have the heart to do anything. I dont have the energy to fight. I need him around for the babysitting.. I have no support.

So I dont know what to do. I love him sure, I care sure, I'm attatched sure, but I'm not really happy, though also I'm terrified of being alone. I dont know how to do everything, all of it, on my own. So it seems like he's just waiting for me to forgive him and so am I but will that ever happen? Is it even possible to still be and love and have a healthy relationship when everything has been so wrong..?

[Bill3]

So I died. Emotionally I did.

I am so sorry for your pain.

After four years of terrible, extreme abuse, a few months of acceptable behavior does not bring you back to life. If it is going to happen at all, and I do not know if it can, it will take considerably longer than that.

Have you the opportunity to see a therapist?

I've had the opportunity back in March when I was flirting with the idea of suicide. I was taken to the hospital and they gave me anti-anxiety medications and recommended me to the therapist.. However the week of my appointment was the same week in April that those things happened and I never brought myself. I should have, thinking back that was the absolutely perfect time to even see a therapist, but I was upset and trying to avoid the feelings, not face them.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Ok here's the thing about abuse. first off it's not emotional abuse as you stated, it is physical violent abuse now. Second, an abuser typically will go through whats called a honeymoon phase after they've been confronted or for other reasons are facing guilt for what they've done or having been caught or called on what they are doing. This is not change, neither is it usually anything but a temporary fix to get in good with the victim again. They will 'be good' for awhile, and draw the other person back to them. When they feel relaxed enough that they've got you again, the cycle will start once again. Time and again this will happen until they get help and really do face their behavior issues, you get out or something worse happens as it comes to a head.

please, do not think that he's changed after such little time nor do not expect it to be permanent. Likely it is not.

He's already escalated from being what you called "emotionally abusive" to full on physical violence. When the cycle comes back around it could likely be more violent and dangerous. The more times you allow them to draw you back in and convince you that things will be great from now oon... the more they feel they've got you and will feel more free to continue and worse, do more harm when their anger comes back.

Please seek abuse help now. don't wait, no thinking just do it. Even if this could turn out well for the two of you it will not be without you doing this and calling him on the path he's on toward being a serious abuser.

I hope you take my words to heart and seriously seek help.

[~Christina]

Please seek out help, you have gone through enough abuse. He isn't going to change and you deserve so much better..

((((() hugs)))))

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I believe that it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Abusers rarely change.

This is physical abuse and VERBAL abuse. I hope you will get some help. Do NOT go to Malaysia or ANYhere with him. He could prevent you from coming back home. Call the domestic violence hotline for support. This is the number: 1-800-799-7233. Make sure you make the call when he isn't around.

I doubt you love him; we generally don't love someone who abuses us......you are afraid to be alone and that is understandable.

I waited for 31 years to get a divorce because of the fear of being alone....I had to learn how to do everything on my own; so scary, but I did it.

Children learn and act out what they see and hear and very often have a relationship or marry that abuser they grew up with. I am sure you don't want that......for the sake of your children, I hope you will get help. I can practically guarantee he will abuse you again. Unless abusers admit they have a problem, and go into intensive therapy, they never change.

His abuse has NOTHING to do with; he is acting out his anger at whatever his issues are. You cannot help him. Please don't be a statistic...women are murdered every day by abusers; your children must be your first concern.
They deserve a mentally healthy mom, and not being exposed to violence. Please don't be in a relationship with another man right now, that is not a good idea. You have a lot of work and healing to do.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I believe that it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Abusers rarely change.

This is physical abuse and VERBAL abuse. I hope you will get some help. Do NOT go to Malaysia or ANYhere with him. He could prevent you from coming back home. Call the domestic violence hotline for support. This is the number: 1-800-799-7233. Make sure you make the call when he isn't around.

I doubt you love him; we generally don't love someone who abuses us......you are afraid to be alone and that is understandable.

I waited for 31 years to get a divorce because of the fear of being alone....I had to learn how to do everything on my own; so scary, but I did it.

Children learn and act out what they see and hear and very often have a relationship or marry that abuser they grew up with. I am sure you don't want that......for the sake of your children, I hope you will get help. I can practically guarantee he will abuse you again. Unless abusers admit they have a problem, and go into intensive therapy, they never change.

His abuse has NOTHING to do with; he is acting out his anger at whatever his issues are. You cannot help him. Please don't be a statistic...women are murdered every day by abusers; your children must be your first concern.
They deserve a mentally healthy mom, and not being exposed to violence. Please don't be in a relationship with another man right now, that is not a good idea. You have a lot of work and healing to do.

I don't think I'd be prevented. We're going with his mother to visit his extended family and his mother is a domestic violence survivor herself. He would never do anything like that in front of her.

And don't worry, I'm not very interested in a relationship. The other guy, I did unfortunately sleep with him, but I realized it was a mistake and now we're just friends.

[PumpkinPieHead]

I have been in a verbally abusive relationship, and my advice to you is run away! Call the hotline that nicoleflynn provided and get the help you need. You are worth so much more than this.

On another note, don't apologize for having an abortion. The stigma needs to end. You are a brave and strong young lady who did the best, most selfless thing by not bringing a baby into the world that you could not handle. We women have to be responsible for our reproductive systems for 30 years and we do not need to apologize if an accident happens.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I've been in abusive relationships and it only gets worse. And as others have said, it's likely he didn't change but only trying to stay on your good side... For now. Don't subject your children to this and get help. I wouldn't give your fiancé another chance unless he agrees to counseling and does the work.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think you should cut all ties and seek custody of your two kids. And as for Malaysia? No way in hell should you step on a plane with him. And don't allow him to get passports for your kids. And don't allow him to take your two kids to Malaysia without you. Sorry. He's scum and may never bring them back.

[peacequest]

Originally Posted by forgetmenever

Background: I'm a 21 year old female, been in a relationship with my 21 year old fiance for 5 years, engaged for 2 and we have 2 small children together. We're both eahc other's first relationship ever, so we don't have much experience with other people. We live in a small, over-crowded town home with my father, brother, and a roommate, due to financial struggles from all three sides and I suffer from depression, suicidal tendancies, general anxiety disorder and abandonment issues.

Forewarning: This is going to be long, if you want to help please read it all because all of it is relevant.


Problem: My fiance has been emotionally abusive for the last 4 years of our relationship. Though he had promised to change a million times before and didn't, he's now following through and has become a better person but I don't know if I'm still in love with him anymore.

Over the last few years our fighting has involved gas-lighting, breaking of furniture, doors, walls, threatening to leave every time a problem was brought up and then following through with those threats as the fighting got worse. I've been left during both my pregnancies multiple times and 6 weeks after our youngest was born he left for 2 months and refused to see our children, over suspected cheating even though I never did. We got back together after he found out I had slept with someone else (tbh it doesn't make much sense) under the conditions I cut out that guy forever. If I didn't he threatened never to be involved in our lives again and I got scared.

Things were good for a few months before the fighting started again, though we stopped the on/off which was an improvement i held onto. Then in December I had an unwanted abortion (before judgment, I'd like to mention that I've discovered BC pills are simply not effective for me so no it wasn't like I'm just an idiot having unprotected sex over and over, okay. I ****ing tried) and became extremely depressed in mourning. I became suicidal and because of all the past in my head I pushed my fiance away and refused to let him comfort me. So we fought even more.

In April it crossed a line. He became violent towards me, throwing a drink at me, and pushing me into boxes/bookcase over his laptop. I threw away and forever lost my engagement ring, and I was left covered in bruises to clean up the mess from the walls. I asked my parents to watch my children and went out as I didn't feel like I was in the right state of mind to care for them, and visited the guy I was forced to cut out.

My fiance found out we were dating for a couple days and freaked out. He threated to kill him, directly, through instagram PM, and came to my house to trash my room. My dad let him. I came home to him waiting for me on the curb, and seen what he had done. My BC Pills had been cut up and smashed to peices leading me to require emergency contraption immediately and having to convince my pharmacist to give me another pack early (which he did because btw it was my birthday week through all of this time) and he had cut up my photographs, ripped my birthday and valentines day cards, and wrote on my wall "you belong together".

So I died. Emotionally I did. I changed at that moment and since that day I've never felt the same ever again. My fiance still lives here, I needed a babysitter while I was at work and I've eneded up working so much that there was no point in him going home just to sleep to only come back. His mother wants us to go on a trip to Malaysia and I've agreed as he himself is too afraid to face her and tell her we broke up, and over the course of the last few months pretending ot still be in a relationship in front of our friends and family made me slowly lose my anger and now i feel like im stuck playing house. I feel like he's been good the last few months and i have no reason anymore ot be angry. I feel like he's tried to change and seemily succeeded so what can I say now. I dont have the heart to do anything. I dont have the energy to fight. I need him around for the babysitting.. I have no support.

So I dont know what to do. I love him sure, I care sure, I'm attatched sure, but I'm not really happy, though also I'm terrified of being alone. I dont know how to do everything, all of it, on my own. So it seems like he's just waiting for me to forgive him and so am I but will that ever happen? Is it even possible to still be and love and have a healthy relationship when everything has been so wrong..?

You went through so much in your young life. No one deserves emotional or physical abuse. His past behavior is a good indication how he will continue behaving in the future. Even if you have seen a change in him, people don't change that easily or quickly. Change is a process that takes much work over time. He needs to see a counselor to deal with his anger and violence issues. You have been a victim of that man's anger for too long. It is time for you to take a stand for yourself and your children.

Concentrate on your own recovery from his abuse. Surely you have been hurt not only emotionally if that weren't enough, but physically. No one can tell you to leave him. This is a decision only you can make, and it won't be an easy decision. But perhaps, if you already realize that even though you may love him, love is never enough. If a relationship is accompanied by angry outbursts, and violence it becomes a toxic and dangerous relationship. If you can afford counseling, please get it. Your future and the future of your children are at stake here.

I feel for you because I have been married to an abusive violent man for seventeen years. I never wanted to give up on the relationship because I loved him so much but in the end, he went to jail for domestic violence and I finally ended up filing for divorce.

Be good to yourself regardless of what decision you make. You deserve the best of life.

[Trippin2.0]

90% of your relationship has been riddled with abuse. You said yourself he's only been on his best behavior for a few months...


Your mind has done the math hun, even if your heart hasn't. That's why you can't "get over it" you've no viable reason to.


The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior....

Thanks guys. I've gone as far leaving as going to see a mediator to get a common-law separation agreement in order. But I bailed on it... I do honestly want to believe he's a good person. He seems like it and I see it but I dunno, I feel a constant sadness that just rains on us all day. I have moments where it seems like it's okay but then I get tired from work and frustrated with the state of our home and it all just seems to affect me then and my instinct is to run.

Financially I'm stuck here for now and it's always the waiting game that gets me. Waiting to have enough money or waiting to find a place to live takes longer than for my mind to change. Idk. I knew this before that being around makes me influenced to him and being away from him makes me influenced away. It's a weird feeling but I'm so highly aware of it even though I can't seem to control it. Maybe it's because I never get any time alone unless I'm in the bathroom..