[AbsurdBlackBear]

Hey.

So just a quick summary about me. I'm a hopeless romantic who gets a lot of subjective meaning in life from romance, mutual understanding, commitment, intimacy, and sacrifice for another human being. I also have avoidant personality disorder, am terrified of talking to even family in person, and only have had relationships that started online. The one time I went on a date with a girlfriend I was terrified to talk to them the whole time. So after that experience I became hopeless that I could ever possibly find someone to spend my life with which is something I possibly value the most in life.

Since about last May or June, my hopelessness got to the point of just being completely numb because I felt like what's the point since I'll never find someone so might as well not even worry about it so I just became completely numb.

Now the numbness is starting to go away and the feelings of loneliness are coming back. Still hopeless either way, but now I actually feel lonely again rather than empty. Don't know whether to consider that a positive or negative.

Anywho. Don't know why I posted this. Venting about it never makes me feel better. So guess I just wasted your and my time. Sorry. Thanks for reading.

[fairydustgirl]

Have you read about attachment theories in regards to adult relationships? I am like you, they call it anxious avoidant attachment style. I want a relationship, but I'm afraid of it too. so I avoid, or I find people who are also avoiders. (emotionally unavailable I suppose)
it's not a fun state to be in that's for sure. but try not to give up, and if you aren't in therapy, perhaps that would be a start?
there's lots of reasons why we have this type of attachment style, most of it rooted in our childhoods. I feel certain there is someone out there with a stable attachment style who will connect with us and give us what we crave but are afraid of at the same time.
I wish you the best.

[AbsurdBlackBear]

My attachment style is anxious-preoccupied rather than anxious-avoidant. My avoidance isn't caused by a distrust of people but rather feeling like I'm too weird or too philosophical or bottom line too me for people to like me, I fear negative judgment and so I avoid talking to people rather than thinking the other person is in some way scary or that attachment is scary.

Been in therapy a few times before.

Thanks for your response. I hope things work out for you.

[TishaBuv]

You're such a good writer, smart, funny, likable. It's such a shame you are over thinking so much and sabotaging your own happiness. Too me for people to like me? Good grief, Charlie Brown I hope you can at least tell people you want to get closer to that you feel this way. They will assure you that you are wrong.

[Yours_Truly]

In college I once dated this guy I was terrified to talk to the entire time we dated. I was told he was extremely intelligent. I was so afraid anything I said would be inane that my mind would either be completely blank or if I did have a thought I just simply couldn't open my mouth. It was terribly uncomfortable. We dated an excruciatingly long few months while I hoped it would get better with time. I even told him about it, I kind of had to. It did get a little better, but not enough. I knew I would always feel inferior & would never be able to open-up & be myself. It’s kind of sad really, he was never anything but exceptionally nice… maybe he could have been a soulmate.

[Fuzzybear]

[AbsurdBlackBear]

Originally Posted by Yours_Truly

In college I once dated this guy I was terrified to talk to the entire time we dated. I was told he was extremely intelligent. I was so afraid anything I said would be inane that my mind would either be completely blank or if I did have a thought I just simply couldn't open my mouth. It was terribly uncomfortable. We dated an excruciatingly long few months while I hoped it would get better with time. I even told him about it, I kind of had to. It did get a little better, but not enough. I knew I would always feel inferior & would never be able to open-up & be myself. It’s kind of sad really, he was never anything but exceptionally nice… maybe he could have been a soulmate.

Yeah. That being stuck in my head is usually how I feel when around people. I think what I have to say won't be interesting to the other person and when there is something I want to say I can't get pass the crippling anxiety.

[Rose76]

Hi Bear. I absolutely think there is hope for you. My sense is that your personality is a good one, better than you realize, and that your fear of being rejected is somewhat unfounded.

Yes, of course, if you try to interact with people, you will definitely find the occassional person who doesn't respond with interest. That can be unpleasant for a sensitive person, but you have to tell yourself that occasional rejection won't kill you, or even make you particularly unwell. It can be borne with equanimity, if you find that it is not a universal reaction you evoke all the time . . . and you will find that, I believe, if you venture forth socially.

You don't seem to have an intrinsically bad attitude, which often underlies the mentality of posters who start threads saying "I'm always worried that people don't want to be bothered with me." . . . and then go on to give an object lesson as to why a lot of people wouldn't. You're not long-winded. You seem intelligent. Don't seem to take yourself overly seriously. There is a lightness of touch to your style of expression that suggests to me that you probably have a very decent sense of humor.

Go on. Start experimenting. Once you start getting some favorable responses, you'll start to lose some of your inhibition.

[AbsurdBlackBear]

Thanks for the kind response Rose76.

My avoidant personality disorder is the result of being rejected/bullied from around the age of 9 to the age of 21. I'm almost 25 now so I'm not really much removed from those experiences that have ingrained an insecurity into me about how others will perceive me. I tend to take each meeting with someone as a new opportunity for them to not like me. Each relationship I find to be a subjective experience rather than something universal, but in each moment I am having a feeling of dread about possibly being rejected. The only rationality behind the anxiety is the negative experiences I've had in the past along with my thinking being very different than what's the norm in America. From those basis is reason enough for me to have my anxiety, I don't believe there's a rational cure for me personally in this matter.

[BlondeFairy]

[Rose76]

I would agree that your fear is something that cannot be reasoned out of you (if that's what you are saying.) That's why I'm not a big believer in therapy, as having much impact on a lot of emotional problems. Therapists, in my experience (which has been extensive,) basically try to reason you into an approach to life that is healthier. Emotional responses are intrinsically not all that rational, so you can't reason them away.

I was socially avoidant, myself. Childhood, teenage years and early adulthood were horrendously lonely for me at times. Nothing bad happened to me as a kid. I wasn't bullied by anyone. I always had the sense of being different . . . not sharing the interests of those around me. I guess, in my case, going to work forced me out of my shell a bit. I had jobs that forced me to interact. I put up with the discomfort because I needed the money. Over time, workplace interaction got less uncomfortable.

Is there anything, Bear, like my jobs, that forces you into the arena, so to speak . . . . or have you kind of taken to a reclusive lifestyle?

Human beings need relationships with others and, generally, need to find closeness and intimacy somewhere. Unmet need results in unhappiness. The loneliness you describe won't go away. At age 24, you are too young, I believe, to conclude that you're doomed to loneliness and there is nothing you can do about it. But there I go trying to reason you out of something you can't be reasoned out of.

What do you see on the horizon for yourself?

By the way, sharing on forums here is not a waste of time (unless that's all you do all day.) Even if you're just venting and not really asking, "How do I change this?" I get something out of your posts. I recognize aspects of myself in you. I am brought deeper into understanding that loneliness is part of the human condition. And, later today, when I start thinking that, "I wish I was 24 again." - I will feel reminded by your thread that it wasn't a walk in the rose garden and, maybe, I can be glad that I'm at a later stage of life.

[AbsurdBlackBear]

I live a mostly reclusive life. Only social interaction I have is when spending time with family or going out with family or my brother having me meet some of his friends or something like that.

I see loneliness and same old reclusive life on the horizon.

Thanks for sharing information about yourself as well as letting me know that you gain some sort of insight from my posts on this topic.