What is wrong with him, myself or us?

I'm new to the forum but have spent my fair share of time reading threads!

I'll try to make this as short as possible (Sorry if it does get too long!)

My boyfriend and I have been together for under a year, are under 20 and living together. I'm not too much of a cuddly lovey dovey girlfriend, love my Independence, doing things on my own and suffer from anxiety and depression. All of this which he knows. (This info is important later on).

It all started with the perfect movie-like scene. I was on a long vacation in another country, we met, everything was perfect, we dated for a couple months. He was kind, smart, reasonable, adventurous, full of goals and dreams, and a perfect gentleman. Then came the time where I had to leave and go back home, so we decided to go long distance until I could go back and visit. A couple months after coming home, he decided to come visit me. I was super excited, I really felt like I loved the guy! However... since the day he set foot here, things aren't the same.

He seems to be irritated constantly and for no reason, always blaming me. For example, my parents invited us to a resort in which the people who wanted to swim had to pay and the ones that just wanted to lounge around the pool didn't. He let me know he didn't want to swim so I promptly let my parents know not to pay for him, as he didn't want to join in (obvious decision since I didn't want my parents to waste any money). Yet he got angry at me. "You don't support me" is what he said, leaving me confused. Which followed by him telling my parents he was going to swim and then complaining the entire time.

Since then things have been horrible. I was acting like I always had with him, didn't work. He got a job so I decided to be more of a "housewife" and made all meals, picked up after him, even tried to be more "cuddly" than my true nature is, he said "You're trying to hard." I got a job as well, so I decided to ask him to be more helpful around the house, pick up his clothes from the ground, make his bed, make himself breakfast... he said "You're pushing me too hard to do things, If people tell me to do things I lose all interest in doing them." My final attempt, at which I find myself at a point where I have no idea what else to do, is to not tell him anything. If he leaves something out and it bothers me, I just pick it up. If he doesn't make the bed, I'll just do it myself. This plus work makes me very tired, makes me not want to be any form of affectionate and makes me very sad, it triggers my depression. And he says "You're being too distant with me, I want you to be more affectionate." Even though he well knows that I wasn't like this too much at the start.

Another thing, I'm not a fighter, I discuss. If there is a problem I resort to talking it out, viewing both sides of the argument, accept my mistakes and apologize and give reason if I actually did something wrong, which he hates. He claims this is me "making him feel stupid" and that he doesn't like taking to me. It's like he wants me to fight, go crazy and claim I'm right all the time. I do not understand this...

He claims he want to marry me and be with me for the rest of his life, that he wants to work so I won't have to. Yet he gets angry even though I've told him multiple times since the beginning that I'm too young to decide and that I need to go to college and figure out what I want to do with my life. He's planning everything in his life to the last detail, including me in all of it, not taking in mind my own plans. I like doing things on my own, I like experiencing things, and it seams that he either wants to do everything for me or not at all. He wants to hold me down from this point.

I feel like anything I tell him will just make him angry or sad, I feel guilty that he's here because of me and is not okay, even though I've tried everything, I feel like he wants me to fit into his future plans and give mine up, I feel like I'm the problem...

What am I doing wrong?

Hello Delicious: I this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your concerns, I would simply like to suggest you are not doing anything wrong. Don't should on yourself. Don't tell yourself: "I should be this way..." or "I should do this or do that..." You are your own person. You have a right to your own life. If you & your bf can come together & make a life on those terms, it's beautiful. But in this day-&-age, it only works if the two of you can come to the relationship as individuals. The days of men ruling the roost, & women picking up after them, are over... as well they should be. Perhaps your bf has yet to learn this.

You & your bf are still both very young. (I suppose you already knew that.) What you're confronting are the same kinds of problems all couples face to one degree or another. I'm an older person. And my wife & I have been married for 37 years. I'll tell you that it takes an enormous amount the forbearance & foregiveness, plus (hopefully) open communication to keep a romantic relationship going over the long haul!

From what you wrote, it also sounds as though your bf has turned out to be quite different than you anticipated based on how he acted when the two of you first met. I don't think that is necessarily all that unusual either. It may be that, when it comes right down to it, this is simply not a relationship that is sustainable over the long term. I don't know. This is something you will have to figure out for yourself. This is the type of thing individuals sometimes seek counseling or therapy for.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hey Im sorry your going through this, but tbh i dont think YOUR doing anything wrong... I just think that you guys can't get things to work out right now. And all relationships aren't perfect. But i think the best thing to do would be to talk to him about everything especially the way you feel. Just keep trying
Aaaand have you ever thought he might be saying these things because he cares about you? That you work to hard for him? That could be a reason...
Good luck friend and welcome to PC

What are you doing wrong? nothing. As far as I can tell, you should run.

he sounds very arrogant and if after a few months of being together, these conflicts are happening, it's not a good sign. Second, he sounds like he's very self important and a whiny *****h. he sounds like he's a spoiled person that has gotten his way and does so by throwing tantrums. not only that he also wants that which he is denied. like a spoiled kid. when he said he didn't want to swim and found out it costs money he threw a fit, because he knew if it wasn't paid for he wouldn't get to. All signs of a very manipulative jerk. He seems to say the things that are the opposite of what you are trying to do. Just to oppose you. Then when you comply he has a problem with that. he's not one that will be appeased or satisfied ever, if you ask me.

kick him to the curb. cut your losses now.

This is a major concern. This is what controlling abusers do. They get angry and they gradually take away more and more of your freedom, more and more of your own plans, more and more of your own self.

Is he still considered "visiting" you--how long does he have legal authority to stay in the United States? One possibility you should imho consider is whether he wants to marry you so as to obtain a Green Card or US citizenship.

Good response! Stick to your guns!

He was a good guy abroad, but he is not a good guy in this country. What if you set aside your experience with him abroad for a moment and just look at the relationship in the United States. What do you like about him?