Racist comment made to a friend, how can I help her?

Feelings are not facts.


Just because I feel offended, doesn't mean someone meant to be offensive. I could just be really sensitive that day... Or in general.


Racism isn't subjective, there's an actual definition for it, so nobody here has to decide what is, and what isn't racist, if a racist term was actually used.


But! Since this thread is only full of feelings and lacks a boatload of facts, its running round in pointless circles.

Thank you so much for your insight and for clearing this matter up. From here on if any minority believes they have experienced racism they should first run it past you and the others on this thread. Once "The Committee" decides what it is then you can inform them of the appropriate feeling and response. Thanks Miz Ann!

You're most welcome


Glad we cleared that up!

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First of all, I never said that this guy should be destroyed. I merely stated that if I were her, I would find a way to complain about how unprofessional and offensive he was.

Second of all, I don't know all the details just yet. Her therapist saw the email and is a good therapist. I have no idea if this therapist is biased or not since I don't know them apparently. I do know my friend would probably not associate with a racist or biased person.

Regardless of what anyone thinks about what should or shouldn't be done, the fact remains...what that guy said was out of line and unprofessional. Why not just say, sorry, but I can't fix this or that, and i disagree with this or that, but to bring "cultural differences" into a disagreement was totally unnecessary and rude IMHO.

Example:

Someone contacts a person for a date and that person says, sorry, but I can't date you because you're not a right culture fit for me, or I don't like people from your culture, so, no. Does that make any sense? This is different but similar in a way. Also, what if an employer were to say to a potential employee, sorry, but we can't hire you due to "cultural differences" regardless of the qualifications of that person. Make sense now?

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I don't to answer your first question. And I don't know that much for now. I haven't even seen the email yet, but she's not a liar. She is very sweet and honest.

She will show it to me soon. She is having a ton of issues with her house lately and I have no idea if the contractor had anything to do with it or not at this time. I'll reveal more when I find out more.

She is passive like I said, so I doubt that she'll even email him back much less try to sue him for a single comment that she took offense to. What he did was uncalled for, rude, and unprofessional. I honestly doubt that most people would be OK with being treated like that if it were them. If that were me, I would not sue him just for that, but I'd definitely let him know that his remarks were uncalled for and complain about him for sure.

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First of all, this had nothing to do with her trying to get job. She hired an independent contractor to do a job. I don't know what went on for sure other than the fact that he told her that he could no longer help her due to "cultural differences".

I have yet to see that email still, but I know my friend is a nice and honest person who does not get easily upset. What he said was out of line and unprofessional. He could've just said that he disagreed with her. Why bring culture into the email? What does that have to do with anything?

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She thinks that I can help her since she thinks that I have good insight into human nature which I don't think I do, but she seems to think so.

She does speak good English. I already stated that. She is also to passive for her own good. She doesn't know what to do just yet, so I'm trying to help her out.

She probably won't complain to anyone at all as she's passive like I said. She is offended by this no doubt. What that guy said was out of line for sure.

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Yes, exactly! She has every right to complain about any service that she feels wasn't good, or in this case, inappropriate behavior. That contractor was out of line for bringing up "cultural differences" for whatever disagreement they might've had. She speaks good English and she has assimilated to American culture years ago, so this makes no sense to me at all. I highly doubt that she expected him to do something unreasonable.

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It's not exactly a racial slur, but it is offensive in the context it was used in. Why couldn't this guy just have said, sorry, but I disagree with you on this or that and give specific reasons instead of saying something like that? What does that have to do with anything? He was being unprofessional and rude for sure.

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Yes, that was an very ignorant and inappropriate remark for sure. And it was unprofessional for him to use that phrase in his email to her.

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Feelings aren't facts, but I'm sure that most people will agree with me when I say that what he stated in his email to her was inappropriate and unprofessional. Does that sound like something a professional would say to a client?

No, it isn't. People should be more tactful around others who are different from them and know when and how to shut their mouths IMHO out of respect and consideration.

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Thanks! Unfortunately, you are right abut what you stated- She is the only friend who will answer the phone and listen to me talk for an hour or more at times when I'm really, really despondent. I don't do it that much, but she is such a good friend, that I feel it wouldn't be fair if I didn't do the same for her!

One last thing before I bow out of this crazy making thread (crazy making because neither the OP nor any of us actually knows what the contractor said beyond those two words)...


I know a couple who broke up due to "cultural differences"... Religious, racial you name it, they were as different as night and day.


Was it racist for them to part ways due to cultural differences?


Was one of them supposed to complain somewhere online that she was racist for breaking up with him, and was he to report her for not being able to blend into his culture?


Good Lord I hope not and I am super glad they didn't.


Eventually they worked around their cultural differences and they've been happily married for 16 years.


I wouldn't have an awesome BIL (well two actually) if they or my sisters got butt hurt over the term "cultural differences."

You know, since there's actual racism all around us......

I mean how else ARE you supposed to describe certain things?


Now the in laws????

They were blatantly racist and made it clear my sisters and our family weren't good enough for my BILs.

Did that hurt? Of course, more so for my sisters and the BILs who cut off all contact until their families agreed to STOP being RACIST and ACCEPT "cultural differences".


See what I did there?

I used both words/ terms in one sentence and they didn't mean the same thing at all.

Point made.

Peace out.

What was the job she asked that guy to do? It might shed some light on why he said what he said.

Why not just email him back asking for clarification?

Because I posted about it? Then apparently you, too are put out by it. As is Shy Introvert. As is her friend. So what exactly is your point?

Quote:

What exactly qualifies you to decide what is or isn't offensive and\or racist?

What qualifies you to decide? Or the therapist? Or Shy Introvert.

One thing has come up over and over in this thread: we know virtually no facts. Yet labeling someone racist is so big these days that there's a rush to judgment. And now you're sitting in judgment even on those who say, "Wait a minute, we don't know enough to sit in judgment on this man."

Quote:

If a minority feels that someone is acting towards them in a racist\bigoted\bias\etc. manner who are you to tell them they are not entitled to their feelings?

As stated--facts and feelings are not the same. She can have all the feelings she wants. I can have all the feelings I want about you. Does that make you who I 'feel' you are?

Quote:

This goes back to the quote from Jane Elliott. You should read her work! Open your mind to the experiences of other people who less entitled and privileged than you. Learn to grow as a person!

This is where you have crossed a line into personal judgment and insult, not to mention assumptions. I have read her work and I'm not impressed.

You are now sitting in judgment as to whether I have an 'open mind.' Why? Because I don't share your opinion that 'cultural differences' implies 'racism.' Is it possible that someone could feel differently than you on a given subject, and yet be a decent and good person, an intelligent, thoughtful, and yes, even open-minded person?

You have made a massive assumption about WHO I am--I don't agree with you and therefore I must be more entitled and privileged? Do you know what race I am? Am I white? Am I Hispanic? Asian--and if I'm Asian, am I Vietnamese, Chinese, Korean, Hmong, Laotian? Am I African American? I could be black, but Nigerian, Kenyan, or Somali. Native American? Inuit? It sounds as if you've made assumptions about my race based on your beliefs about people of various races.

Do you know what country I live in? Do you know what part of the country I live in? Do you know my economic situation? Or what kind of a house or neighborhood I live in? You must, if you feel you can speak with any authority to how many people are more or less privileged and/or 'entitled' than I am. Since you know all about me, why don't you tell me about my neighborhood? Lily white? I've never met any po' folk? Never even met a black person?

I am amazed that you can, apparently with a straight face, sit in judgment on another person like this, make such assumptions about who they are, and actually feel you know enough to tell a stranger on the internet to 'grow as a person.'

There is discussion on this thread WHILE ACKNOWLEDGING WE DO NOT KNOW VERY MANY FACTS AT ALL of starting legal procedures against a man, over two stinking words: cultural differences.

I think this is very dangerous territory--McCarthyism, witch hunts.


Here's a better idea: let's ALL grow as people and quit being butt hurt, as someone else said, over two words that do NOT mean 'I dislike other races,' not even remotely. If he did a lousy job, file a professional complaint about his work. If you don't like him as a person, find a different contractor, and don't recommend him to anyone. Problem solved.

Let's all put on our big boy and big girl pants and quit seeing hatred around every corner. Most people are just trying to get on with their lives and do the right thing by others, and God forbid we should all take legal action every time they don't use exactly the right words that make us FEEL good.

Unfortunately, the subject of racism is very difficult and many folks hold very strong opinions about what is and what isn't racism. Because of this and the unsupportive way some of the posting has gone, this thread will now be closed.