[Irene13]

Im having problems with a women who used to be involved with the man I am now having a close relationship with. Something is wrong with her and she wont let go of continually trying to hone in on my boyfriends time which is really our time to be together. He keeps on telling her over and over again that he is having a relationship with me now but she is not getting the message. To make things worse she has emotional problems that upset everyone here, he knows this but he still allows her to stay. This situation is hard to explain, we all live here together at this business. He has left his relationship with her as being friends, which I think is good and says alot about him. Hes a good man who has only wanted to help her. Now she claims she has no where to go, meaning to other place to live. Her story all ways changes how ever. It has been the consenses of others here who have known her longer then me that her only aim is to try to get back together with him in a sexual way which he does not want to do and I trust him. She pretends she is here for the cause of this organization which from what Ive seen she is not. She is passive aggressive and continously tries to be my close close friend which Im not intersted in being. I will be nice to her but that is it. When she does this she tries to get me to say bad things about my boyfriend. Like she has issues with him and she wants me to confide what mine are to her. No way will I , she has boundaries problems and all ways tries to hug me and call me sweet heart and things that are condesending to me. She corners and me and asks really akward questions, like she says, I know you dont want me here and I make you uncomfortable but Im here, is that all right with you. If I say no she gets really upset and goes tells my boyfriend how awful I am being to her, its actually the other way around. Shes fake. She has created a triangle now where I will say something innocent to her she mistakes it becasuse she has problems and then goes running off to him. This upsets him , he doesnt know how to handle her. He isnt the kind of person to tell her straight out, I want you too go. Help, I need advise, thanks/

[Skeezyks]

Hello Irene13: I'm not in position to offer you advice with regard to this situation. However, I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Irene13

.... we all live here together at this business. .... Now she claims she has no where to go, meaning to other place to live. She pretends she is here for the cause of this organization which from what Ive seen she is not.

What type of business is this? Who decides who is invited to live there?

[povertyvalley]

Take her for what she is pretend to listen but ignore it all people like that never know
the dif anyways

[ComfortablyNumb5]

This is a rather strange situation. I wouldn't be able to put up with it I know that much. Maybe all sit down in a calm manor and tell her she's just got to go. Not sure how calm it would stay but I think your bf needs to stand up and make it very clear its over and she has to go. An eviction notice may have to take place by whoever owns the property. Good luck with this one!

[LookingforCalm]

Knowing me, I wouldn't put up with this. It doesn't say much about him to be friends with someone who clearly infringing on your relationship. He's the only one who can fix what's going on between the two of them.

I'm sorry - but it looks to me as if neither have let go. From what I've read, he doesn't want to make a decision.

What do you want? Do you want things to keep going this way?

[Crazy Hitch]

You're an extremely tolerant person. You've put up with this for long enough.

Truthfully I think it's your boyfriend who is now the one who needs to make a stand and tell her to leave. You're not all starring in an episode of Modern Family. He needs to kick her out.

[Irene13]

Thank you all for your support. I can only say so much in detail about the set up here. She said she was moving and she did but she came back. Her story all ways changes. My boyfriend has ended their relationship as friends and I respect that. Shes the kind of person who doesnt want to get the message that he isnt interested in her sexually and hasnt been for along time now but its as if she keeps hoping for it anyways. The problem is with her and myself because I sometimes dont know how to deal with her.

She follows me around and wants to be close bussome buddy friends and I dont. I will be nice to her but thats it. She tries to get me to talk about him behind his back and suggests that hes verbally abusive. She even tried to give me a book on this. She thinks that the status of our relationship to him is the same, almost like we are sharing him. She cornered me the day which she has been doing often, and feels some how that if Im not her close friend and react to her in a way that makes her feel better about the situation, she gets all upset and goes texting the whole episode to him as to her version of what happened between us. H e knows she has problems and supports me to a point but basically I dont think he has a clue as what this girls problem is. She claims she has no where to go right now and I think he feels sorry for her. Im not excusing him how ever but it is up to him and I dont think he has the heart to tell her leave.
What happened is that she confronted me again. I think she thinks if she gets my approval as a friend, her chances of being able to stay here will be set. We do have a group vote system when certain people her dont work out. She keeps sending me notes and things, tries to hug me and kiss me on the cheek sort of thing and Im not comfortable with this. I make it obvious and she gets all upset and goes tell him again. He's sick of it actually, the drama.. I dont need it and no one else here does either. Finally I just told her point blank how I felt because she had me cornered again.. I asked her, is he having sex with you? I knew the answer was no and I proceded to point out to her that this is how my relationship with him is different then hers. She got all upset but I felt I had no choice but to make this difference clear to her. She was telling me she doesnt want to compete with me, well.. I told her it isnt even a question of this. What else could I say because it isnt.
She is forming a triangle with this reporting to him any little that upsets her about me, when Im being as nice and patience as I can until this last time she cornered me with her stuff about him and her and me of course. I want nothing to do with her. The deal is shes in love with him and wont let go.
I think this last conversation I was pushed into having with her finally brought her issue too ahead of excepting reality. Shes been gone so to speak for the last few days, probably all hurt and upset crying some where. What am I suppose to do? I had to tell my boyfriend that she was trying to get me to agree hes abusive and handed me this book! I am so mad about this because hes not abusive and I think if she thinks this about him what is she doing here!!!!! sHE DOESNT LOVE HIM shes obsessed.

[Irene13]

Originally Posted by LookingforCalm

Knowing me, I wouldn't put up with this. It doesn't say much about him to be friends with someone who clearly infringing on your relationship. He's the only one who can fix what's going on between the two of them.

I'm sorry - but it looks to me as if neither have let go. From what I've read, he doesn't want to make a decision.

What do you want? Do you want things to keep going this way?

Lookingfor calm, Youre right. I think he feels responsible for her in ways. She has had serious emotional problems. I think he thinks he can help her and he cant. She all ways reverts back to same old attention seeking drama.

[Molinit]

I think you need to move on and let him know that when he's gotten her to get out of his life completely, you'll consider being with him. No man is worth all this.

[s4ndm4n2006]

He needs to step up to the plate and get her out. I ask you this though, you say he's a good man, is he really when he's sacrificing your relationship because he hasn't got the backbone to get rid of her? If there are no legal obligations to keep her around, I say it's ON HIM. We already know she isn't a great person and is clearly manipulative but it really is NOT on YOU to do anything about this. This is his burden - and I'll be honest, outside of legal obligation to let her stay, he has no excuses.

Honestly you need to let this guy go and let him deal with it. Tell him when he's let go of his ex and stopped being led around by the nose by her, he can talk to you then. Depending on how he reacts to your departure, it will speak volumes as to how much he actually values your relationship.

[Irene13]

The problem is this man has issues but I do too. This other woman finally left after he told her too after she was caught literally harassing me in the hall. I got upset earlier about her behavior here and I told him about it. He got mad thinking I was presenting him with an ultimatum, like if you dont commit to me and go by what obviously appeared to him as rules I was oposeing on him , I would leave. I was that upset, and I was because according to how things have been with us, I feel I was mislead into thinking it was more of thing between us then he did. What is happening is that the man is giving me mixed messages and he cant see it. he's had a bad past with other women. Every past relationship he speaks of is in a negative one and judgement on the person. Dont we get to tierd of this. he preaches to me to let go of my past relationship pain yet he himself has not given up on his own. I say it again, dont we get tired of this.

[Irene13]

He does this in other ways too. Now hes telling me that because I was upset about this other women, I am needy. I am bothered by him telling me that I was opposing rules on him in our relationship and Im needy when he wont allow me any time to myself with out some comment about it to cause me to feel that I have some kind of problem. He allways wants me with him all day and into the evening every day. When I take time out for myself he never really accepts this, all ways says something about to make me feel guilty or what ever. So who is needy??? Is it me? or both of us. Is he projecting on me. I'd say YES. BIG TIME. and hes blind about it too. I dont want someone here to just say to me: oh can the basird. There are obviously really wonderful atributes about this man as well. Nothing is black and white. Its just this side of him that is almost throwing me for a loop. Im supposed to be the only one with problems in this relation and nothing wrong with him. This is not right and I plan to see a counselor . I dont think I should allow myself to get hurt over this. I believe its a boundary issue. I feel if I put my foot down nicely but firmly as to having my own independent me time he's not going to love me any more. He comes on strong when he wants my attention. I know this is wrong. He acts childish. The irony of it is that he sees me as the needy female and him tottaly amuned to having the same feelings,,, ever! I cant change him, but I can change me. I have really been allowing myself to be hurt over him. I am backing off him a bit, giving him space but the truth is in this craziness is that I need space!! Its like a self image of myself he keeps trying to place on me and it isnt tottaly true. I am not that needy,,,,,, he seems to just be placing this sentence on me due to his other past gone wrong relationships. I think he feels safer doing that and is in fact being the one who is initially resposible for the failure of these relationships by having this additude. He sets up situations that bring it about and then blames the ones effected by it for it happening. he is NOT the one with the problem. no its all women who are drama queens. I say, give me a break!!!!! I guess what Im saying is he put me in this situation with him where Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. If I go off and not talk to him in the morning and do my own thing once in a while, he gets threatened and will make some comment to me to cause me to feel self conscious about what Im really doing being alone. Like Im just being childish or something. ,hiding in my room. hello? Its all ways in a joking way..but it doesnt feel good. And so Im the one who is needy??? I need a reality check here.

[Molinit]

I'm glad you're planning to see a counselor. Frankly though, although you're saying he has wonderful attributes, I haven't read anything in this thread that was wonderful about him.

[Bill3]

I need a reality check here.

What wonderful qualities have you found in him? What do you like about him?