I'd appreciate any advice or support. I love my bf of most of a year. He wants his space and freedom. He's basically been there for me but at the same time there is a big change. Neither of us seems happy together and I asked him to break up with me tonight. I know I can't do what he wants. I ran to him right after he calmly agreed to end our relationship. Here I sit at his place and I can't sleep. I might break down soon. I haven't felt loved by any man I've been with and the pain seems unbearable. I don't know what to do. I can't handle losing him.

[Crazy Hitch]

That's really hard

He seemed to agree rather quickly to ending it with you.

Why do you not feel loved by him?

I guess I don't feel loved because I'm not needed? I could leave and not look back and he'd forget me. I'm definitely bossy and needy but I had some sort of bad fainting spell which he insisted was a seizure about 6 weeks ago, followed by a gallbladder attack followed by being told my kidneys may need investigation as to what is causing pelvic pain. My mother is giving up living and quite elderly. My bf wanted to see me less and less and I blame myself for being too much stress for my bf. Although he works a good job that he doesn't say is too stressful and his one daughter is doing well so I don't understand why he thinks I am asking too much by wanting more time with him. I pay my share of our costs and we haven't really gone out much. It's as though he's happy to have sex once a week and then I'm supposed to leave.
Maybe he just doesn't like me. He has pointed out how bossy I am and I'm trying to understand what he wants me to change. The only thing he asks for is this distance from me but I need more support right now.

[Crazy Hitch]

You're going through a lot and yes you do need support. Especially from a significant other.

Wanting more time with him isn't a bad thing, per say, so I don't know why he's holding off. Do you initiate activities you two could do together rather than hang out at your place? What about a dinner date?

If he's happy to have sex once a week and then expecting you to move on; sounds a bit like he could be using you in the bedroom department.

[healingme4me]

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this and to have the stress of the relationship, on top of it all.

Needing to feel needed is important. Needing to go out, is also important, couples need date nights.

Maybe asking for the break up was a bit premature or the wrong solution? Some sort of compromise or in between could be discussed.

I guess from this thread alone it sounds like he's needing less time spent giving support when you are going through an overwhelming amount of things in your life and need support the most. I don't quite know how to take bossy in terms of relationships, but I get space requests and what the need for toning down can mean.
For me, I personally become overloaded with life's day to day stresses and demands. And find myself at breaking points in my ability to give time and energy. And it's not that I don't care, it's that I need to juggle things around and become overwhelmed and my own headspace feels about ready to explode. Maybe that's going on with him?

About fainting. I've recently read they can be seizure related, like a partial complex or they can be from other health issues, you mention kidneys. Keep monitoring. And I hope your health is ok.

[TishaBuv]

You're not wrong. Listen to your instincts.

You think you could change for the better about being bossy. You can have better manners and not order people around to a point of normal (assuming you were really more bossy than the typical person).

You should check out your health. Go to a doctor. Fainting and possible seizure is serious health concerns.

It sounds like your BF is the problem to me, not you. You are wanting to be loved, and you deserve to be. Hold out for real love, if he is not able to give it to you.

Thank you all, I find helpful advice in all of this and I appreciate the support here. Some things to think about. I have paid most of the expenses and yes I do think of things for us to do, so we aren't stuck just sitting around. He has deeper issues from his childhood, but he is getting older and should be able to control his temper. I get that he can be forgetful but he has also said he has never seen a memory like mine and he doesn't like that I can be more sure of what was said. He admitted this, but it's not perfection or complete honesty that I'm looking for. Everyone slips up and makes mistakes. But I think Tisha may be right, I have excellent manners, treat him well, and I have told myself to wake up, I'm being drawn more by my heart than my head in this relationship. I need support and may actually be desperate in my situation, but I'm tired of heading out there looking for a new one. No one is the "right one", but I certainly could have thought more about everything sooner. Thanks again, I will also get the kidneys checked eventually, and what healing said, I didn't realize it could be a partial seizure.

[Rose76]

I was in a relationship in my mid twenties where the guy basically only wanted to see me once a week. It lasted about four years. After two years, he did start taking me out for nice dinners at expensive restaurants. We'ld go out for a nice evening then back to my place to make love. Then he'ld leave. (He wouldn't even stay the night.) I was crazy about him.

But I was always feeling bad that things weren't going anywhere toward us becoming a real couple. Ultimately, I ended it when I moved out of the state. Two years later, he wanted me to come back and live with him . . . and possibly marry him. I was astonished. How I had hoped for those words when we were seeing each other. Then, two years after I left him, he decided he wanted what I had wanted. I couldn't believe he had finally come to value me that much.

Well, it was too late. I no longer loved him.

It's very hard to be involved with a man who doesn't want the degree of closeness that you want. For me, it was four years of heartbreak. Your guy is only interested in having you on his terms. And he doesn't even take you out for nice dinners that he pays for. Unfortunately, he probably won't change.

It is very hard to get into a relationship, hoping to be loved, then finding that you don't feel loved. It's one of the hardest things there is.

The guy I was with used to very calmly agree to break-up. Then he would wait about 5 weeks and show up at my door. And I would keep taking him back. This happened over and over. I would advise that, next time you break up, don't go running back. Sit back annd wait. It might take a month, but he would probably end up calling or showing up. Then you'ld have a little more leverage.

What happened to you sounds so much like what's happening with me. He has already calmly broken up with me several times and then comes back and starts treating me nicer for a few weeks. Then he acts distant and cool as though he doesn't need me. I feel like he loves the control he feels over me because he knows how sensitive i am. He's playing a game and I'm not. If he wants me he will have to step up to the plate. It's hard but there's no excuse for him not to treat me better.. and i know I've allowed it to go on. But a warm body sure is better than loneliness. I've become addicted to the sex.. I've never felt like i do with him. But i have to have some composure and control. .otherwise he will continue to behave like an immature teenager that chooses selfishness over companionship and a meaningful relationship.

[Rose76]

He's been testing you to see how little he can get away with offering you. And I very much agree with you that this is addiction on your part - addiction driven by loneliness . . . and fear of the emotional withdrawal that you'll go through, if you distance yourself from him. He knows all this.

If he's been coming around for a year, then he probably does have more of an emotional need for you than you or he realizes. That gives you some leverage. But you've got to use that leverage.

You've got to raise the bar on what you expect and be willing to walk, if he doesn't up his game. Just pick one thing at a time . . . like maybe you will not keep paying so much for activities the two of you do together.