[hartbroken]

I have a strong desire that makes me want to have a relationship with someone I'm physically attracted to.

Sounds pretty normal, right? Well the problem is I currently have a girlfriend who doesn't turn me on. We both care for each other, but I don't find her physically attractive, and I don't want to drop the bomb on her because she will hurt a lot. I've told her she deserves someone better than me, who will make her life happier than me, but she really is in love with me. I'm not sure how to proceed.

I thought it would work, that if I cared enough for someone, like I do her, I would fall in love with her (which I do love her) and find her physically attractive (but this hasn't happened yet). I'm a recovering porn addict, which she knows. I know that has everything to do with this, because if you love someone, other things don't matter, unless you've got a skewed image of women like I must. This porn addiction, btw, is because I was emotionally seduced into sex when I was too young and not ready.

I hate myself for having pulled her into a relationship that isn't balanced for her or for me. I see a counselor, I'm not sure how to handle this.

The porn addiction really warps and deregulates your ability to be turned on. Before saying anything more, I'm wondering if you think it would be realistic for you to be turned on by another "real life" woman? Porn addiction can actually cause impotence in sexual situations which don't involve porn.

Don't feel bad....you have a legitimate medical condition and it confuses things. (((Hugs)))

If you love her, as you claim, you might consider going pornless for a while to clarify your perspective before you dump her. I obviously have neither training nor experience as a therapist.

[Crazy Hitch]

Sometimes the most good looking people have the ugliest of hearts.

But I do know first hand how important physical attraction towards your partner in a relationship is.

It comes down to how satisfied with all of the other things in the relationship, that have nothing to do with physical attraction, you are.

[ozzycat]

Originally Posted by hartbroken

I have a strong desire that makes me want to have a relationship with someone I'm physically attracted to.

Sounds pretty normal, right? Well the problem is I currently have a girlfriend who doesn't turn me on. We both care for each other, but I don't find her physically attractive, and I don't want to drop the bomb on her because she will hurt a lot. I've told her she deserves someone better than me, who will make her life happier than me, but she really is in love with me. I'm not sure how to proceed.

I thought it would work, that if I cared enough for someone, like I do her, I would fall in love with her (which I do love her) and find her physically attractive (but this hasn't happened yet). I'm a recovering porn addict, which she knows. I know that has everything to do with this, because if you love someone, other things don't matter, unless you've got a skewed image of women like I must. This porn addiction, btw, is because I was emotionally seduced into sex when I was too young and not ready.

I hate myself for having pulled her into a relationship that isn't balanced for her or for me. I see a counselor, I'm not sure how to handle this.

I split up with my last boyfriend because i was unhappy in the relationship and i became attracted to someone else unfortunately i am not acting on it because he is ma=ied. My point is if your tryly happy in ur relationship this would not be happening. Both of you deserve happiness and to be with someone ur compatible with on that level

[hartbroken]

I have tried giving up porn but it just draws me back into the lust of it all. I wasn't this way before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

It seems to me to keep trying to put porn out of my life, though it excites me like crazy, because I wouldn't be able to live with my conscience if I let her go, for her sake and mine.

Have you sought help for the addiction? Support groups, doctors or even reading about the phenomenon on the internet or books? I watched a documentary about this and wish I could remember the name. It was very eye opening.

You correlate the porn with your bipolar disorder; do you self-medicate with porn as an antidepressant?

If the porn has really taken hold and irreversibly conditioned you to crave a rapid procession of intense and different sexual highs that could never be matched by a real relationship with a single woman, then no one will be capable of turning you on sufficiently for very long. If you can't leave the porn alone and you can accept this destructive conditioning as a consequence, then the way you experience sex and sexual attraction has been altered: stay with the girlfriend that you love. The porn will always be there, sexual attraction is common and love is rare. Isn't this why people swing? Have you brought up swinging with your girlfriend? We live in an epidemiological ocean of incurable and/or potentially lethal STDs, but what the hey, right?

Balance. That is what I aim for, as a bipolar. Balance. A little bit of porn and then sex with the woman you love. Can you wean yourself off of it?

Lefty, I think some with bipolar turn to porn, as a way to avoid cheating. Sometimes the hyper sexuality is a lot to try and handle. It is like being a teenage boy X 10.

Porn is a safer alternative to the ocean of incurable STDs.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

The porn addiction really warps and deregulates your ability to be turned on. Before saying anything more, I'm wondering if you think it would be realistic for you to be turned on by another "real life" woman? Porn addiction can actually cause impotence in sexual situations which don't involve porn.

Don't feel bad....you have a legitimate medical condition and it confuses things. (((Hugs)))

very reductive and absolutely untrue without taking in the person individually. Some people may be very affected by porn and it may do the things stated but others may not be affected the same.

the idea that people so easily become unable to be turned on by real women or something less than the "ideal" porn female is ridiculous. I am sure that there are cases of this but I don't think this is true entirely as a standard outcome.

Being someone that doesn't have a problem with porn myself, I can tell you without any hesitation that if I'm attracted to a female the fact that I have looked at the stuff does not affect my being turned on by her and also my standards are not even close to being perfectionistic about what women should look like, bodies included. I have never been not attracted to my partner at any time because she was less than what some porn females looked like.

This is not to say that being addicted to porn will not affect relationships or say that there is nothing here to consider. I'm only disputing the idea that many women believe men that look at porn are unable to be attracted to real women or something. It's a common misconception that I believe isn't true much of the time.

The way I see it, you need to show her what you wrote. Let her have a say in all of this. Let her have at least SOME dignity, here...

That is step one...

[Hairball]

Idk, I really think u need to be honest with her and tell her how u are feeling and leave it up to her if she wants to pursue the relationship or not. She might be of support, or she might leave but this is her life also.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

very reductive and absolutely untrue without taking in the person individually. Some people may be very affected by porn and it may do the things stated but others may not be affected the same.

the idea that people so easily become unable to be turned on by real women or something less than the "ideal" porn female is ridiculous. I am sure that there are cases of this but I don't think this is true entirely as a standard outcome.

Being someone that doesn't have a problem with porn myself, I can tell you without any hesitation that if I'm attracted to a female the fact that I have looked at the stuff does not affect my being turned on by her and also my standards are not even close to being perfectionistic about what women should look like, bodies included. I have never been not attracted to my partner at any time because she was less than what some porn females looked like.

This is not to say that being addicted to porn will not affect relationships or say that there is nothing here to consider. I'm only disputing the idea that many women believe men that look at porn are unable to be attracted to real women or something. It's a common misconception that I believe isn't true much of the time.

Have you actually researched this? Known men who have gone through it? Spoken with professionals about it? I never said "all men who watch porn". I made no such claim and feel insulted that someone would think I meant such a think when I clearly never said it. Reading comprehension is not everyone's strong suit and I guess I just need to get used to that sad fact.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Have you actually researched this? Known men who have gone through it? Spoken with professionals about it? I never said "all men who watch porn". I made no such claim and feel insulted that someone would think I meant such a think when I clearly never said it. Reading comprehension is not everyone's strong suit and I guess I just need to get used to that sad fact.

Reading comprehension has never been a problem for me. Some people do have trouble being clear on what they mean when they write though...

The porn addiction really warps and deregulates your ability to be turned on.

how do you know this? And how have you made any distinctions that state in "some cases" or in x number of cases this is true or wait, you speak as an expert or is this your opinion?

I know when I stated what I did, I qualified it with my own experience as a basis. What is yours?

but anyway to keep this on track,

@OP:

Regardless of whether your porn consumption has affected how you perceive women and/or whether it has affected whether you can be attracted to certain kinds of women or not it's really not an issue. You are not at fault for not being able to be attracted physically to someone. It matters very little whether it's related to porn or not because frankly even if it is, what's done is done. even if you are free from being compelled to look at or watch porn itself, it's likely not going to change your views on what you find attractive. but here is why I say it doesn't matter.

Thing is whether you consumed such material or not, something, somewhere has formed your opinions and preferences in women. If you never had looked at that stuff, who's to say you'd be attracted to her type or not? You would be in the same place as you are right now but without having the idea that you've been "ruined" by porn for lack of a better word.

considering the title "I feel bad about being attracted to other women" it seems to me it's just that you're attracted to other women and not to this woman. you care about her, and for some, that is enough. For some people, it may be ok to care only about the heart and for others physical attraction is important. Frankly in a vast majority of good relationships there has to be some kind of physical attraction for sex to be part of it. But not always, I'm sure. Here is where I would tell you to ask yourself, if what you feel for your partner is enough for you to be happy with her. Is it? It may be, and that is a good thing if so, but only you can answer this.

The reason I tell you to ask yourself is because you sound like you do care for her. More than likely your love can grow for your partner but I can't honestly say if you can grow to be physically attracted to her. In my experience, how I've felt about someone physically never really changed much it has always been one of the things that motivated me to want to get close and be with them and finally love them. But in none of the cases of my relationships did I fall for them first only to find myself physically attracted to them later. This is my experience and for the most part the people I know, that's how it's happened too. So you have to decide now if what you have right now is enough, physically, because it really may not change in that manner.

Hope this helps

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Reading comprehension has never been a problem for me. Some people do have trouble being clear on what they mean when they write though...


how do you know this? And how have you made any distinctions that state in "some cases" or in x number of cases this is true or wait, you speak as an expert or is this your opinion?

I know when I stated what I did, I qualified it with my own experience as a basis. What is yours?

but anyway to keep this on track,

@OP:

Regardless of whether your porn consumption has affected how you perceive women and/or whether it has affected whether you can be attracted to certain kinds of women or not it's really not an issue. You are not at fault for not being able to be attracted physically to someone. It matters very little whether it's related to porn or not because frankly even if it is, what's done is done. even if you are free from being compelled to look at or watch porn itself, it's likely not going to change your views on what you find attractive. but here is why I say it doesn't matter.

Thing is whether you consumed such material or not, something, somewhere has formed your opinions and preferences in women. If you never had looked at that stuff, who's to say you'd be attracted to her type or not? You would be in the same place as you are right now but without having the idea that you've been "ruined" by porn for lack of a better word.

considering the title "I feel bad about being attracted to other women" it seems to me it's just that you're attracted to other women and not to this woman. you care about her, and for some, that is enough. For some people, it may be ok to care only about the heart and for others physical attraction is important. Frankly in a vast majority of good relationships there has to be some kind of physical attraction for sex to be part of it. But not always, I'm sure. Here is where I would tell you to ask yourself, if what you feel for your partner is enough for you to be happy with her. Is it? It may be, and that is a good thing if so, but only you can answer this.

The reason I tell you to ask yourself is because you sound like you do care for her. More than likely your love can grow for your partner but I can't honestly say if you can grow to be physically attracted to her. In my experience, how I've felt about someone physically never really changed much it has always been one of the things that motivated me to want to get close and be with them and finally love them. But in none of the cases of my relationships did I fall for them first only to find myself physically attracted to them later. This is my experience and for the most part the people I know, that's how it's happened too. So you have to decide now if what you have right now is enough, physically, because it really may not change in that manner.

Hope this helps

You are right, I was unclear. English is not always my strong suit. My experience with this topic dates back to around 1998. Some of it is personal and some of it is based on the experiences of others in a group setting. 2 of my best friends cousins went through it and I've watched a documentary as well as spoken with doctors. What is your expertise? The OP said they have a porn addiction and couldn't be turned on by their GF. I asked a legitimate question and had the question be thoroughly explored and answered, we might not be having this discussion as my intent would have been clearer I suppose. The only thing I'm an expert in is my own experience. I'm a women and my situation was much different from the OP's but I have been exploring this topic long enough to have more than just an educated guess. I've spoken with men with a similar problem in depth.

In a perfect world we would all be turned on by our significant others at all times. I asked the OP a question and stated I could say no more past that until I had an answer. A porn addiction is a legitimate health problem with real life consequences. I'm familiar with many of them and thought I could help.

I will be clearer with my language and stop expecting people to give me the benefit of the doubt. It's not fair to them or to myself.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

You are right, I was unclear. English is not always my strong suit. My experience with this topic dates back to around 1998. Some of it is personal and some of it is based on the experiences of others in a group setting. 2 of my best friends cousins went through it and I've watched a documentary as well as spoken with doctors. What is your expertise? The OP said they have a porn addiction and couldn't be turned on by their GF. I asked a legitimate question and had the question be thoroughly explored and answered, we might not be having this discussion as my intent would have been clearer I suppose. The only thing I'm an expert in is my own experience. I'm a women and my situation was much different from the OP's but I have been exploring this topic long enough to have more than just an educated guess. I've spoken with men with a similar problem in depth.

In a perfect world we would all be turned on by our significant others at all times. I asked the OP a question and stated I could say no more past that until I had an answer. A porn addiction is a legitimate health problem with real life consequences. I'm familiar with many of them and thought I could help.

I will be clearer with my language and stop expecting people to give me the benefit of the doubt. It's not fair to them or to myself.

Honestly I don't want to detract from the original intent of this thread but thank you for your thorough explanation. in no way am I saying that this particular problem of porn addiction does not exist, but as everything I come from the attitude that many many things like addictions, MI, PDs and such are abused as terms and descriptions of things. While most things like addictions to various things are based on legitimate cases, many times the abuse comes from the misuse of descriptions of different problems people have. I tend to be ever vigilant against generalizations about most things and you know you've come across that with me in past posts :P get used to it (jk jk) it's just how I am though.

I speak from experience myself. Life experience, being a male, I have male friends and many of which partake of the forbidden fruit yet at the same time, they are quite capable and willing to be sexually active with their partners. but I will admittedly say that none of them also are diagnosed with an addiction to It either.

Again my statements were against the idea that porn itself automatically affects people in the manner you originally stated, not that it can't affect anyone that way.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Honestly I don't want to detract from the original intent of this thread but thank you for your thorough explanation. in no way am I saying that this particular problem of porn addiction does not exist, but as everything I come from the attitude that many many things like addictions, MI, PDs and such are abused as terms and descriptions of things. While most things like addictions to various things are based on legitimate cases, many times the abuse comes from the misuse of descriptions of different problems people have. I tend to be ever vigilant against generalizations about most things and you know you've come across that with me in past posts :P get used to it (jk jk) it's just how I am though.

I speak from experience myself. Life experience, being a male, I have male friends and many of which partake of the forbidden fruit yet at the same time, they are quite capable and willing to be sexually active with their partners. but I will admittedly say that none of them also are diagnosed with an addiction to It either.

Again my statements were against the idea that porn itself automatically affects people in the manner you originally stated, not that it can't affect anyone that way.

Thank you for the clarity and I do not disagree with most of your points. The OP said he had an "addiction" and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Who am I to assume otherwise ya know? But coming from your position I do see your points and they are valid. (((Hugs)))