Should I Say Something?

ZenZeta · Oct 31, 2016, 09:57 AM

Since my recent breakup with a terribly emotionally abusive Narcissistic Partner, I have sought counseling and started attending CoDa meetings which have been SO helpful. I am learning how to own my feelings as well as recognize my own codependent behavior.

However, I have this coworker that is testing me on EVERY level. Quick background: This woman is the MOUTH of the SOUTH!! You can tell when she enters the room, she demands attention at all costs...she challenges my introvert every day. Despite this, she can be quite fun.

She almost always has to be the queen bee, and for the most part the office lets her. Since she's normally late on Monday mornings and we can't set the coffee timer over the weekend, I made a pot of coffee this morning. Because I was the first one in the office, I did make the coffee a little stronger than she likes it (key word... I -- it's OK for me to make coffee like I want it) so when she bee-bopped into the office (late of course) and poured herself a cup, she made it very clear that she did not like it.

In her normal LOUD manner, she announced that the "coffee is nasty..." and "how can you screw up coffee..." blah blah blah. I could feel my level of irritation rising and I even said... "I've gotten my coffee. You're more than welcome to make another pot..." but she kept going on and on. I finally just stated "Fine, I won't make coffee anymore"

You would think that would have ended the ordeal, but on top of her passive-aggressive silent treatment afterwards, she made it a point to re-hash the coffee incident AGAIN at a team gathering a few moments later.

In the middle of our festive Halloween gathering she made it a point (in my presence) to state that she was still sleepy because she didn't get her coffee this morning... that the coffee was undrinkable....

I really wanted to say something but didn't feel it was the time or place to address coffee, so I left the gathering and have been brooding in my office since.

So, I know the codependent in my is a people pleaser and somewhat of a doormat, so I am struggling with if I should just let the whole thing go. It is JUST COFFEE... but... this isn't the first time that this coworker has done this whole passive-aggressive humiliation type thing with me and I have said nothing.

I want her to know that this is NOT the way to speak to me, but I fear retaliation. She's been at the company longer than me (I'm not even 6 months old yet), and I've heard that she's notorious for getting people she doesn't like fired or chasing them off.

This SO reminds me of my wicked step mother. She often would try to humiliate me in public using the same tactics and when I was a kid, I would just take it. However, I am an adult now and I don't think I should be subjected to this type of treatment.

Should I:

1) Avoidance - just ignore it and give her liberty to continue to walk all over me at will (she's a loudmouth bully)

2) Passive Aggression - Two can play that game! I can alert the boss of my "hostile work environment" -- I can do the whole wounded puppy act really well. She's not the only one who can get people fired (this is usually my go to reaction)

3) Assertion - Let the smoke clear and have a private one-on-one conversation with her to make sure this doesn't continue happening (scared this option may blow up in my face)

HELP!!!

Cat_Lover_58 · Oct 31, 2016, 10:10 AM

Hey ZenZeta!

I don't really have an answer but I do know how difficult it can be to deal with such a self centered person. (liked the "MOUTH OF THE SOUTH" description)

Keep posting, somebody will respond with perhaps more insight than me. I'll be looking for the responses 'cause the self-centered person in my life is my mother.

How fun is that for me? Not much at all..CL58

Oct 31, 2016, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenZeta

Should I:

1) Avoidance - just ignore it and give her liberty to continue to walk all over me at will (she's a loudmouth bully)

2) Passive Aggression - Two can play that game! I can alert the boss of my "hostile work environment" -- I can do the whole wounded puppy act really well. She's not the only one who can get people fired (this is usually my go to reaction)

3) Assertion - Let the smoke clear and have a private one-on-one conversation with her to make sure this doesn't continue happening (scared this option may blow up in my face)

HELP!!!

May I humbly suggest:

4) Go Completely CIA on Her - Slip bath salts into her precious coffee, then be the first to call 911 when she builds a "furniture fort" in the middle of your office and tries to eat her supervisor's face.

ZenZeta · Oct 31, 2016, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat_Lover_58

Hey ZenZeta!

I'll be looking for the responses 'cause the self-centered person in my life is my mother.

How fun is that for me? Not much at all..CL58

@CatLover... I can TOTALLY relate to the self centered person being the mom. I struggled with a wicked step mother for years (hence my codependent behavior).

I'm not sure where you are, but I found Codependents Anonymous to be INCREDIBLY helpful. The funny thing is, I had called so many other people codependent not realizing I wasn't looking in the mirror.

The meetings helped me connect with people like me and I didn't feel judged. I also found a lot of help on the web by googling "am I codependent". Not sure if that helps or not...

Cat_Lover_58 · Oct 31, 2016, 04:31 PM

Thanks ZenZeta! I will check it out. Oh, I need a healthier perspective!

Oct 31, 2016, 04:45 PM

I would say that when "i" make the coffee, "I" obviously make it how "I" like it. I would then tell her that I'm not Starbucks where you place an individualized order for each cup. I'm not a mind reader nor do I even have a memory which allows me to make coffee to each and every persons specification. In closing I would inform her that she's welcome to come in earlier and make coffee how she likes it. I would also tell her she's welcome to stop off someplace before work and order coffee and she's welcome to bring me Vanilla Latte when she does so.

You really do need to be direct with some people. Not everyone appreciates a direct approach but they usually learn you won't be a doormat pretty fast.

I've dealt with women like this myself and it's such a pain in the butt. I'm a recovering doormat myself so my heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

TishaBuv · Oct 31, 2016, 04:56 PM

I think I'd ask the other workers who drink the coffee if they liked my coffee. If they all liked it my way, I'd keep making the coffee my way, let her keep complaining about it, and let her go to h*ll.

Quarter life · Oct 31, 2016, 04:56 PM

I truly believe that we teach others how to treat us when we remain silent. That said...I would use a light touch and simply tell her that you felt bad about her comments on the coffee. Stress that you like coffee strong, and it was simply a matter of her making another pot that better suited her taste. I am sure her flippant derision of you was not lost on the other employees...

Gaj1983 · Oct 31, 2016, 09:43 PM

I have a different take and advice on this entirely.

I work in a field (the arts) that is full of people who think they know everything best. On top of that, everyone is a performer, and full of Drama! Because of that, most people don't get along with each other. I pretty much get along with everyone, and it is because I do 2 things. I leave my ego at the door (it's tough to upset me, you can do it, but it is tough), and I've learned how to diffuse most tense situations.

If I had made coffee, and a coworker didn't like it, I would have said "you know, it really bugs me when someone makes coffee the way I don't like it too! When we have a minute, could you teach me how you make it?"

Most likely, one of 2 things would happen:
1) It would totally take the wind out of her sails, and she would just say "oh it's fine" or something lame like that.
2) She would actually show you how she likes it. Then I would proceed to make it THE EXACT SAME WAY I USUALLY DO, and when she drinks it say "hey, how do you like it? did I do it right?"

Of course, I don't work with this person, and I don't know how she would react. Tactics like this have served me well though. There are a lot of difficult people out there, and if you can get tips, perhaps from your counselor or CoDa meetings, then she would be a great one to practice those techniques on!

Oct 31, 2016, 09:46 PM

Nothing makes coffee taste better than vinegar. Let her have something to complain about, and you can silently laugh in the corner.... Okay, that wasn't nice.

Oct 31, 2016, 09:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

May I humbly suggest:

4) Go Completely CIA on Her - Slip bath salts into her precious coffee, then be the first to call 911 when she builds a "furniture fort" in the middle of your office and tries to eat her supervisor's face.

hahahaha!!!!! too funny.
I've worked with these types before. It's societal disease.

TishaBuv · 07:50 AM

We were mostly pretty passive/aggressive on this thread in our replies. I think it was that it was Halloween that brought out the ghoul in me.

I like Gaj's approach about kissing her azz with the 'how do you make it?' It's up to you if you'd make it the way she says or the way you do anyway. What are we really talking about here one scoop of coffee more or less? This woman could just add a little hot water to her cup and there'd be no problem, duh.

But if you butter her up by treating her with such importance, it will stroke her ego and she will like you better and not make trouble for you at work.

My dad makes undrinkably strong coffee. When he makes it for me I ask him to make it weaker. If I was at work and the coffee was truly undrinkably strong (like he makes) I would either just add more water to mine and shut up or ask the person who made it to make it less strong next time.

This woman is rude and nasty to have humiliated you like that in front of the whole office. I don't think telling her how that hurt you will help you. I think she is the type who will then really be out to get you. There are just horrid people like that. It's best not to tangle with them and avoid them when possible. You have to act like it doesn't bother you at all, how she is complaining about your 'incompetence' in front of the whole office.

Grace is the key to winning this.

I guess if I were you in this situation, when she was complaining to everyone how undrinkable it was, I'd ignore her then take a quick vote to see if everyone thought so. They might be so scared of her that they'd all say yes. Then I'd make the coffee weaker next time.

This is such a dumb predicament, over coffee! But a reality in the workplace. I feel for you in having to deal with this woman. There is one of her at every job!

ZenZeta · Nov 01, 2016, 09:07 AM

Well after SOMEWHAT simmering down today, I have decided a totally new approach today...ASSERTION.

I even practiced this with my therapist (using I statements... remaining calm... addressing it privately, etc.)

I understand that if I don't take any type of stand, she will continue to "bully" me. I understand that doing / saying nothing satisfies the bully in her and will only add to tension.

So... after lunch, I am going to take her somewhere that we can talk one on one and give her my spiel...

I wanted to speak with you about the coffee incident yesterday. While I can totally appreciate how important a good cup of coffee is the first thing in the morning, I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed by the way the pot of coffee I made was handled. We work in close quarters and I really want us to be able to get along. So, in the future, if there is an issue with how I've said or done something, I would appreciate if we could discuss the issue privately rather than bringing in other coworkers that aren't involved in the situation. Thanks!

I am prepared for either a good or bad reaction. It is my hope that she will be mature (fat chance of that happening) about it, but I have resolved that I am OK whether she apologizes or not. My goal here is to get my point across in a calm, assertive manner as well as set a boundary that she will not be able to mistreat me.

Either way, I have great leverage in the situation. Should she continue her unacceptable behavior, I can take it to management if needed. Any manager can appreciate that I attempted to handle the situation maturely and the only one that would come out looking silly would be her.

It is a crying shame that I have to even deal with this. The woman is 44 years old!!!!!!

ZenZeta · Nov 01, 2016, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quarter life

I truly believe that we teach others how to treat us when we remain silent.

ITA with this, and I have lived that way most of my life. I am no longer the child with no voice cowering in the corner, and I think the only way to handle this is to address it head on... calmly and respectfully.

She's been making faces at me all morning and I've just been ignoring it. I keep looking for a row of lockers and a principal's office!! What's next? A fight in the cafeteria!!! SHEESH!!!!

s4ndm4n2006 · Nov 01, 2016, 10:33 AM

My idea:

First, do not stop making coffee for yourself when you are the first in the office or otherwise. You have every right to do so. she doesn't have to drink it at all. period. just because she's a loud mouth (censored word), doesn't mean you should give up. This is part of why people like her are the way they are.

1. Ignoring her is in no way letting her "walk all over you" in fact it is actually one good way to stop the behavior. See, bullies don't do things to be ignored, they do things for attention. Sure at first she will continue to be loud and obnoxious with you as one of her chosen targets, but in ignoring her, you must not react or even do anything. If you use this approach, basically you have to carry on as if she is not there. do your job, focus on what you're there for, which does not include being her source of entertainment or being her proverbial punching bag, but your job. You will find that eventually she will move on. Unfortunately unless everyone takes the same approach, she will find another victim, but that's not on you, you can only take care of you.

2. NO passive aggression period. the above, what I've said is not passive, it's just going about your business as you hve every right to do, not in any way with the motivation to get back at her or make an aggressive statement to her. Passive aggressiveness will never serve to make things right or better only feed the fire of conflict.

3. Approaching her privately is rational but I'll be honest, it sounds like this is just her default mode of operation and likely one conversation with her no matter how calm and rational you are is going to change her personality or behavior. It's a mature approach I will say but I just dont' want you going this route expecting much.

TishaBuv · Nov 01, 2016, 11:40 AM

If you and your t think that's best, I won't disagree.

I agree with s4 though. Ignoring her babyish rant about the coffee doesn't make you weak. It means she is not even worth recognizing. Ignoring this takes away her power.

Is she really giving you dirty looks today? What's that about? Is she trying to be Alpha dog and pick off the 'weak'? That's so silly. Don't even let on that you notice her silly antics.

Trippin2.0 · Nov 01, 2016, 12:15 PM

I would smile and wave at her dirty looks.

Make her feel as stupid as she looks.

s4ndm4n2006 · Nov 01, 2016, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I would smile and wave at her dirty looks.

Make her feel as stupid as she looks.

Problem with that is that most times, people like this rarely feel stupid. Because, frankly, they are too stupid to feel stupid. if that makes any sense haha.

ZenZeta · Nov 01, 2016, 12:56 PM

Well.., during lunch I asked if we could talk later, Despite her very weak "sure", she has yet to take me up on this.

I'm NOT backing down on this one. I think silence equals acceptance and in this case her behavior is not acceptable.

We'll see how this goes...