Marriage Help

Ok so let me start off with my husband is a great guy. I love him to death. We have waaaay more good days then we do bad days. But the bad days are starting to make me feel like im losing my mind.

So he has a tendancy to get uoset about small things. Its not all small things but it seems when hes had a rough day, something small will cause him to waaay overreact. I dont handle his overeaction well (lol hey im working on stuff) and it goes south very quick. Im looking for ways to either help him see whats going on, and more importantly ways to handle the situation better.

A small relevant backstory - we have the same beliefs that the man is the leader of the home and the rest of the christian marriage beliefs. My opinions are normally taken in consideration and more often then not, change his stance,mind,decision.

Example of the bad day phenomena.

Yesterday we ordered a desperately needed new mattress. When we both got home we were sitting on the bed talking and he was jokingly saying the bed had better have wings to fly us to work at that price. He also jokingly poked my forehead. I didnt say anything the first time, but the second i asked him to stop (please stop, im not feeling that right now) and he did it again. Instead of yelling at him (what i wanted to do) i got up, walked to the other side of the bed and sat down. He said "whats up with this childish nonsense? Storming (i didnt storm) around the bed like a kid." (random aside - i had just had a conversation with him the night oght before on me feeling invalidated when he says im veing childish, that something i feel think or do is nonsense or involving the word crazy at any time) so the instant he said childish and nonsense, i lost it. I looked at him and said "i just told you LAST NIGHT i hate those words and how it makes me feel! Do you really not care about me AT ALL?! Why are you disrespecting me?" then he stands up and starts pacing while yelling about "you think you this is disrespectful? What about all i do for you. You should be humble and grateful. You should go and find another dude and find out what disrepect really is. You think you have it so bad. What if i stopped doing everything for you? Then what? You use the credit card i pay for!" (on another side note i do work and put over 1000 a month into a joint account for bills. Its not like im trying to live for free here. He does help me alot though.) so i get mad(der) and give him the credit card back. (smh dumb move) . i tell him "there i hope your happy, im now broke and cant get food or anything tomorrow!" (ok maybe THAT was a bit childish lol) and he said "life on lifes terms" and went to sleep. He was already gone this morning when i got up, so i sent gim a text asking him how i was going to get something to eat. (we eat out constantly, and we share a house with a couple that has no problem stealing food. As a result, we have very very little food in the house) he texted back that i should have thought about that last night before "interfering wih his peace" and told me to "figure it out and have a good day." i ended up having to borrow money from my boss to get breakfast.

It almost seems like he has some narcissistic tendencies at times and i can be overly sensitive at times and it snowballs. And then the atomic bomb goes off. Anyway, outside imput? Of course i made quite a few other snippy side remarks to him during all this but nothing overtly disrespectful. I definitely did not handle any of it well. And any tips on not letting certain words or phrases get under my skin would be helpful too.

I just dont do conflict well lol

Kiwi

Hello Kiwi: I'm sorry you & your husband find yourselves in these difficult situations. I wanted to leave a note letting you know I read your post. But, realistically, I doubt there is much of anything I could suggest here.

I know I have some of the same tendencies your husband has, as far as getting upset over small things goes. I don't know if this is simply a guy thing or if it is a symptom of some underlying mental, or even physiological, condition. It's an ongoing struggle for me... & something I continue to work on...

The obvious answer to your dilemma is, of course, couples counseling... or perhaps individual therapy for yourself (since you say you sometimes feel like you're losing your mind) as well as individual therapy for your husband. However, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying your husband is not likely to be interested in either of those options.

So, assuming that is the case, the best thing I can think of is work on eliminating those snippy remarks you mentioned. You can't change your husband. You can only make changes in yourself. So, from my perspective, that is where you'll need to focus your efforts. I wish you well...

I'm going to put my 2 cents in (probably about what it's worth, too!). I don't think he should have poked you in the forehead twice (or even once for that matter!). That was not very nice and seems to me to be aggressive behavior. If my H ever laid a hand or a finger on me, I'd be upset too. So pretty much, he started the whole thing and deserved to know he started the whole thing! Not giving you money for food THE NEXT FLIPPIN DAY???.... that was also just plain mean and controlling.
Couples counselling for sure and don't have any kids with him until this is fixed. Big hug and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Christian values don't mean subservient behavior, IMHO anyway.

Not in the remotest way IMO too.

Lol when he poked me it wasnt aggressive at all. Kinda like if you poke someone in the side or tummy. It just irritated me at that moment. And no theres no subservience. As i said most of the time my thoughts end up making the decision lol. According to him today, he believed i had the other credit card and would be fine. Apparently i either didnt tell him it wont swipe anymore (damaged strip) or i did and he didnt hear me. Honestly i dont recall saying anything about it, i just called for another card. He did admit to and apologize for his side of stuff last night, but hes definitely still irritated. And im still slightly snippy. I think the suggestion to work on me is probably the best thing i can do right now.

It seems that both of you have a problem establishing and respecting boundaries. With that in mind, I am wondering how it is that you live with people who steal from you, to the point that you do not keep food in your own house.