[LonelyLife95]

I've been with this guys on and off for 8 months...he's always been the one to call it off because of the arguing...but this time around he's serious. He's been shown by God that I am the girl He wants him to be with.

He's selfish- For example: Whenever we're in his car we have to listen to his (horrible) music...but when we're in my car, I can't listen to every song I would like to listen to (like some rap) because he can't stand it. I'll ask him nicely if we can listen to something else and every time it's "no this is my car...blah blah blah"...His solution to me not having to listen to his music is to put in headphones, which I feel should NOT have to happen, or drive seperately (which is uncalled for, especially considering we drive 2 hours to see eachother). We even, in the past, came to an agreement on a station...but that soon went out the window.

Lately I've been calling him out as being selfish when I feel he is. I honestly cannot take it anymore and I don't know what else to do.

He's a great guy but some of these things really irritate me.

We went camping (in a tent last weekend) and they were doing animal calls that night, when we went to bed I was a little scared. He passed right out...I woke him up after hearing a few noises and he got so angry with me and I had to BEG for him to hold me to help me feel safe...

Any advice on how to handle this is greatly appreciated!

[Bill3]

On the one hand:

He's a great guy but some of these things really irritate me.

But on the other hand, maybe he is not a great guy:

I woke him up after hearing a few noises and he got so angry with me and I had to BEG for him to hold me to help me feel safe...

You were terrified and yet he yelled at you and had to be begged to comfort you.

What do you like about him?

[Crazy Hitch]

He sounds like the toddler who never learnt to share his toys ...

He's over the top about music in the car. A small issue, but a symptom of a bigger problem.

How long was he single for before he met you? What's his longest relationship been?

I don't know many women that would put up with such an over-dominating disposition at the expense of their needs not being met.

[divine1966]

In what sense is he a great guy? He sounds like a total jerk to me

[LonelyLife95]

Originally Posted by Bill3

On the one hand:

But on the other hand, maybe he is not a great guy:

You were terrified and yet he yelled at you and had to be begged to comfort you.

What do you like about him?

He's consistent with his communication (like good morning texts) (unless he's mad which right now he's not talking to me unless I go to him Bc he's letting "things cool". He's manly, has his unselfish times where he's sweet. Hell get the door, we both believe the same way on a lot of things. I love his family a lot and they love me.

He's just known to be selfish and I don't know how to handle it and help him see "hey yeah that is selfish"

[LonelyLife95]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

He sounds like the toddler who never learnt to share his toys ...

He's over the top about music in the car. A small issue, but a symptom of a bigger problem.

How long was he single for before he met you? What's his longest relationship been?

I don't know many women that would put up with such an over-dominating disposition at the expense of their needs not being met.

It is a symptom of something bigger. His family even says that he is selfish... I know he's got ADHD and OCD, but those conditions can't make someone selfish...(MAYBE OCD)

He was single for a year, he just wanted to focus on school and work. His longest relationship was back in 2010 and I think it was 3 years maybe but he cheated a lot on her... while mine was back in 2014 (when it ended), it lasted 4 years and we had little to no fights

[divine1966]

People treat us the way we teach them. He treats you poorly because you allow it. He isn't speaking to you and knows you sit around waiting. That's ridiculous. He treats you poorly yet you think he is a great guy. Do you see a therapist? You don't think you deserve better than this?

Like crazy hitch said not too many women put up with this. You do. He has no reason to ever improve. He is on and off bad boyfriend, not like you are married and. have 5 kids together and can't leave. This is not going to get better.

I would stop analyzing why he is this way but start analyzing why are you ok with it?

[divine1966]

I just saw that he cheated on his ex a lot and you still think he is great???

[LonelyLife95]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I just saw that he cheated on his ex a lot and you still think he is great???

Originally Posted by divine1966

People treat us the way we teach them. He treats you poorly because you allow it. He isn't speaking to you and knows you sit around waiting. That's ridiculous. He treats you poorly yet you think he is a great guy. Do you see a therapist? You don't think you deserve better than this?

Like crazy hitch said not too many women put up with this. You do. He has no reason to ever improve. He is on and off bad boyfriend, not like you are married and. have 5 kids together and can't leave. This is not going to get better.

I would stop analyzing why he is this way but start analyzing why are you ok with it?

I mean his dad and 2 older brothers used to be the same way with their selfishness and they're all married and happy.

I know I deserve better which is why I'm trying to find things to say or do to open his eyes. How do I show him I won't allow it? Yesterday I didn't go out of my way to speak with him, I kind of mocked what he did. Ever since he acted like that with the music I've been short with him because I'm tired of arguing over the same petty thing. I think it's selfish. His mom says "his dad's the same way, I just put in headphones." pretty much supporting her son instead of saying "hey you do need to share".

I know I am not tied down to him but he does have a good side and like us all has a bad side. As for the cheating, he's never cheated on me (that I know of and that's what he says). His whole family said he's been very different with our relationship than he has with the ones in his past.

[TishaBuv]

I really didn't need to read past your first paragraph. The 'he's been shown by God' statement screams danger to me. He is an abuser.

[Bill3]

Is that the person you are:

i just put on the headphones.

[LucyG]

This is the best it's ever going to be so if you're unhappy now, get out. People don't improve the more you're together. They get worse as there's less need to try to be nice.

[nicoleflynn]

"When people show you who they are....believe them." He is who he is and the question is how long do you want to put up with his behavior?

[LonelyLife95]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Is that the person you are:

i just put on the headphones.

No, that isn't the kind of person I am. And I wouldn't have him feel like he would have to either, I would share the music.

[Bill3]

Right. It seems though that that is the person he is demanding that you be.

[LonelyLife95]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Right. It seems though that that is the person he is demanding that you be.

It is /:

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LonelyLife95

I mean his dad and 2 older brothers used to be the same way with their selfishness and they're all married and happy.

I know I deserve better which is why I'm trying to find things to say or do to open his eyes. How do I show him I won't allow it? Yesterday I didn't go out of my way to speak with him, I kind of mocked what he did. Ever since he acted like that with the music I've been short with him because I'm tired of arguing over the same petty thing. I think it's selfish. His mom says "his dad's the same way, I just put in headphones." pretty much supporting her son instead of saying "hey you do need to share".

I know I am not tied down to him but he does have a good side and like us all has a bad side. As for the cheating, he's never cheated on me (that I know of and that's what he says). His whole family said he's been very different with our relationship than he has with the ones in his past.

If he grew up with this kind of father then no wonder he is this way. They are happy but it sounds as their wives aren't unless "they put their headphones on", figuratively speaking.

Why are you focused on how to change him rather than how to change yourself, in particular how not to go for men who need changing. You can't change people. It's not your job.

First 8 months of relationship supposed to be a bliss, he supposed to be crazy in love and you two should be love birds. Your relationship is bad from the beginning! Why do you think you need to have a bad boyfriend and then work on changing him instead of looking for a nice boyfriend?

[LonelyLife95]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he grew up with this kind of father then no wonder he is this way. They are happy but it sounds as their wives aren't unless "they put their headphones on", figuratively speaking.

Why are you focused on how to change him rather than how to change yourself, in particular how not to go for men who need changing. You can't change people. It's not your job.

First 8 months of relationship supposed to be a bliss, he supposed to be crazy in love and you two should be love birds. Your relationship is bad from the beginning! Why do you think you need to have a bad boyfriend and then work on changing him instead of looking for a nice boyfriend?

I'm not trying to change him I'm trying to figure out what to do in these situations where he's being selfish and it makes me unhappy

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LonelyLife95

I'm not trying to change him I'm trying to figure out what to do in these situations where he's being selfish and it makes me unhappy

I think you have two options. Stay with him and be unhappy. Or leave and find less selfish man. I don't know what else. Changing people (making them to see the light or what not) never works.

[LonelyLife95]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think you have two options. Stay with him and be unhappy. Or leave and find less selfish man. I don't know what else. Changing people (making them to see the light or what not) never works.

What if I didn't dont find someone who isn't selfish?

[Bill3]

How often in the past have you found yourself with selfish guys?

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by LonelyLife95

What if I didn't dont find someone who isn't selfish?

Then you're better off single anyway. He's not the right one.

[TishaBuv]

Everybody's a little selfish, but this guy sounds abusive.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LonelyLife95

What if I didn't dont find someone who isn't selfish?

There are plenty of unselfish men out there. If you tend to get attracted to selfish men, then therapy might help with that

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by LonelyLife95

I've been with this guys on and off for 8 months...he's always been the one to call it off because of the arguing...but this time around he's serious. He's been shown by God that I am the girl He wants him to be with.

He's selfish- For example: Whenever we're in his car we have to listen to his (horrible) music...but when we're in my car, I can't listen to every song I would like to listen to (like some rap) because he can't stand it. I'll ask him nicely if we can listen to something else and every time it's "no this is my car...blah blah blah"...His solution to me not having to listen to his music is to put in headphones, which I feel should NOT have to happen, or drive seperately (which is uncalled for, especially considering we drive 2 hours to see eachother). We even, in the past, came to an agreement on a station...but that soon went out the window.

Lately I've been calling him out as being selfish when I feel he is. I honestly cannot take it anymore and I don't know what else to do.

He's a great guy but some of these things really irritate me.

We went camping (in a tent last weekend) and they were doing animal calls that night, when we went to bed I was a little scared. He passed right out...I woke him up after hearing a few noises and he got so angry with me and I had to BEG for him to hold me to help me feel safe...

Any advice on how to handle this is greatly appreciated!

I understand that this post is to address a problem related to your SO but I have to ask, "what's great about him?" You throw that out there but most of what is here would make it seem to me that he's not very supportive, caring and thoughtful of you (or likely others). How does one love someone that is selfish and what is the motivation to even do so?