Understanding an enexpcted break up

My boyfriend and i were together for almost 4 years. We had a very attached relationship in many ways. We talked constantly throughout the day and saw each other when ever we has the time. About two months ago i noticed that he started drinking more and more. Just a little background, he has never really had friends our whole relationship. He always told me he never really had any and didnt need them. I have always had friend and seen them regularly through out our relationship. He started hanging out with guys from work which made me happy to finally see him hanging out with guys his age. I started to notice he would go out and drink more and more often. Even when he would come to my house for a little while he would have a tall can in his hand. (hes newly 21 and im 19) . I confronted him about it and he said that he would drink a beer after work to relax . My mother started noticing his drinking (shes an alcoholic herself) and expressed her concerns to him. He told her he was fine and that no one needed to worry. This went on for a while and his mother also started getting concerned about his drinking. She would talk to me about it often and tell me she was trying to set limits on it. He lives with his parents so she told him he cannot be drinking during the week, only on weekends. He didnt listen and still drink a beer or three after work. She didnt know this but found out because he would leave beer cans across the street in the bushes. I started noticing that he would hangout with friends more often than wanting to see me. This was not normal for us as we try and spend as much time together as possible. One Saturday night (about three weeks ago) he told me he was working late and that he didnt know if hed have time to see me. I felt in my gut that he was lying so i tracked his phone and found that he was at a friends house drinking. I confronted him and he told me i was overreacting. I told his mother that night about my concerns for his drinking problem and she was very upset with him also. I was mad and told him we were done. Two days later i texted him (we have never gone more than 2 days without talking , and if we did hed call me crying) . He didnt reply to me for over a week. His mother told me that every night for that week he went out with friends and drank. Finally after a week and two days i called his phone constantly until he picked up. I told him we needed to talk already that his was out of hand, he then started crying and told me we needed to break up. He said that we had grown apart and were becoming two different people. He said that we both knew it was coming and that he loves me and always will but we weren't good for watchtower anymore and were holding eacohter back. I told him i had no idea this was coming that just two weeks ago we had planned to go on vaction for our 4 year anniversary and he always talked about getting married. I asked how we were holding eachother back and he just kept repeating the same thing over and over, that we are two different people. I had no idea this was coming. He asked that i do not contact him. Its now been a little over a week and ive been trying to be strong. I havent called or texted him. i doppped off his things to his mother , she cried and told me she missed me so much and she just doesnt understand why he broke up with me. She said that her brother had a talk with my boyfriend and explained the dangers of drinking too much. Her and his father both told him if they see it becoming more or a problem theyd fire him from his job. (his dad is his boss). I just cannot understand how he could do this out of no where. I had no idea he felt this way and never saw this coming. I struggle with anxiety and it was blown up since the break up. I cant eat and i sleep every chance i get. WHen im awake all i do is cry and replay the last conversation we had. I just cant seem to understand why all of the sudden hed leave like that. And i dont get how he can be okay with this all of the sudden when before two hours of no contact would make him miss me widly. Now i know it sounds like we were too attached but im exaggerating to show just how in love and happy we wwere. We didnt actually talk constantly but throught the day wed text eachother we missed one another and that we loved eachother. With his work schedule i'd see him mondays and tuesdays', and friday nights and sunday nights. Can anyone please give me some understand of this whole mess. I want to contact him so badly but everyone says not too especially since he asked me not to contact him. my mother says she never saw this coming and that hes just caught up in drinking and taht hell come back when he wakes up and realizes he made a bad choice. I just dont know how to handle this. I dont know wether it was the drinking that made him do this and if hell be back or if this was just something he wanted.

I'm so sorry for the pain and grief that you are experiencing.



My guess is that what you are "holding him back" from is his drinking. Until he acknowledges that he has a problem, and decides to address it, there is little that others can do to help.

I do not know if he will come back or not. Do you have trusted people with whom you can feel safe in sharing your feelings? I am glad that you posted here, and i hope and expect that you will get some helpful and supportive responses.

This is a tough scenario, and there is no easy way to get through it. You just have to take your life one day at a time, and let yourself heal. None of us know how to handle a breakup from someone we deeply love and are attached to. It's like any other grief we face; you just keep going, and try to remember that there are still things in life worth living for.

Week by week, month by month, very slowly, you will start to feel better. You will start to discover yourself, and the things you love to do on your own. The progress will be very slow, and you won't ever think you will feel better, but you will.

You won't like to hear this, but you are still very young. People do grow and change, especially in their teens and 20's. Your ex sounds like he is going to struggle quite a bit with substance abuse (drinking). That's going to be a hard road for him to go down, and you might be better off not going down it with him.

This is so hard, and I feel very much for you. I have been through this. You can get through it too. Hang in there.

You're a strong person. I'm sure you'll get through this

My ex broke up with me out of nowhere too... granted, our relationship wasn't as good as yours, but I still didn't really see it coming. My advise to you is to allow yourself to cry and feel bad, but keep busy, make it through.

Sure, maybe he'll come back when he's realized what he's lost, but maybe he wont. You said you have friends, so rely on them. I'm sorry this happened to you):

I feel so bad for you. Things like this are, I think, particularly difficult when you are young.

If this is the road he wants to take, though, perhaps he needs to take it alone? Maybe you two will find each other again in the future when he's done with this journey.

Perhaps it's a break up, but perhaps it's just a break. Either way, it's painful and there is grief, but I assure you that it will get better.

Hugs. Keep writing. Lots of us here to lend an ear and a shoulder...

(((Hugs)))

Your boyfriend is 21 and if he's been socially anxious in the past, drinking is probably helping with that and he is enjoying his time with his friends now. He is experiencing new aspects of life and these might do him well, or they might teach him unfortunate and sad lessons. I would try not to focus on what he is doing and try to build your own experiences and life. Take this time to battle and conquer your anxieties. He is a big boy and is making big boy decisions which he's entitled to. He doesn't want you as part of this new journey and you owe it to yourself to accept that and start building a life which makes you happy. Don't count on him coming to his senses and coming back soon....don't be quick to trust if he does. When someone tells you they've grown apart from you, trust their words and respect yourself enough not to be around someone who feels this way.

Breaks ups are sooooo hard. It's like a death but worse because the mourning isn't as accepted and the person still breathes yet you cannot hold them or be with them. It's horrible. You feel bad now and should honor your feelings. But they won't last forever I promise. (((Hugs)))