[Mapper]

Between my husband and stepdaughter I am feeling nervous, upset, depressed, unhappy. My husband didn’t go into work all last week claiming he was sick. He didn’t act sick to me except for a few well-placed coughs and a few moans that his neck hurt, but that always went away when he saw I wasn’t upset. Now if he never did stuff like this then I’d tend to believe that he’s sick, but for years he’ll decide he doesn’t want to go into work and later on tell me that it’s due to someone upsetting him not an illness, and one day off will turn into a week or even weeks. Sometimes he won’t even call in, but in all this time, he has never been fired. He was at a union job for 7 years and the not going into work thing started about 2 years in. He would use FMLA as his excuse which got totally abused. Now he is at a non-union job of only about 35 people. At first he’d take a day off, call in and go back the next day. Then he’d take a day off and not call in yet would go in the next day and everything would be fine. 2 months ago he took 4 days off in a row, only called in 1 day and went back and he said everything was fine with them. Now he has been off for 5 days, only called in 2 of those days, and I am hoping he went back today, but I wouldn’t guarantee it. How does he not get fired, or seemingly, even reprimanded for this???

On top of that, his 19 y/o stepdaughter who isn’t working or in college, saying she’s got anxiety issues she needs to work on, has been up visiting for 3 days now. We haven’t seen her in 5 months. All day long she does nothing but sit on the couch watching tv with her smart phone non-stop texting or Facebooking, or whatever. She has no desire to even step foot outside but just sits there. I have never known anyone her age who just has no desire to DO anything. We only have a 1000 sq ft house so there isn’t much room. So now I come home and not only find my husband home, but now I find her on the couch! I believe she is going back today, but nothing is ever set in stone with them.

My husband doesn’t seem to care about just how upset I get with him not going to work and gives me the same empty promise day after day about how tomorrow he’s going in and then never does. I don’t like to even come home from work when my stepdaughter is there because it just unnerves me that she has no drive to do anything and that she’s always going to be right there, on the couch, all day. I can’t focus at work because my stomach is in knots wondering if he even went in to work and if he’s going to be fired. He can’t even pay close to his share of the bills so I pay nearly double what I should be paying, I do all the grocery shopping, I do all the cleaning, I am the only one who mows the yard and keeps up the garden, yet I have to come home to them doing NOTHING! The recyclables are overflowing, dirty pots and pans and grease splattered on the stove. When she’s visiting, he turns into being unable to clean up after himself as well. It makes me SO angry!

[Trippin2.0]

Forgive my complete ignorance please, but why are you married to this person?

[LucyG]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a nightmare.

Now that your husband is in a nonunion job, you can bet that his employer is building a case to fire him so he can't sue them.

My sister married a guy who didn't work, and the stress of that and other issues destroyed her health. Take care of yourself.

[metalchick]

Wow this sounds a lot like what I am going through at home...It absolutely sucks. I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy.

[divine1966]

I would file for divorce like yesterday.

I went through something similar for years....then my health failed and I lost my job and my fears escalated massively.....then it turned out my husband has serious PTSD from being attacked at work so many times....then he was seriously injured (violently attacked while on the job) and now he's medically retired with no interest of ever returning to work. I think I do understand what you are dealing with but things have changed and are different now. My husband helps with the house and does more than I since I became sick. Does your husband suffer from mental health issues? What does he have FMLA for? If your stepdaughter has anxiety, it could easily keep her inside with butt glued to couch. Is she seeking help?

[Molinit]

Time for you to leave.

I understand your anxiety. My spouse is motivated but has been out of work since mid June of this year. We have two children, in their 20s, unemployed and out of school. I get extremely sad that they do not have better lives. I'm only working at home, periodically and part time.
These are the kind of stressors that make us sick. I am completely unqualified in regards to telling you how to make your life better. Mine is a mess also but I have learned to no longer be angry about it. My anger and anxiety fueled my attempt. Your anger is a sign that you either need to get help or make a change. I hope things get better for you. It is tough out there.

[divine1966]

He doesn't work because you are supporting him. If he didn't have you he would be working just fine or homeless and hungry. People treat us the way we teach them. You taught him that things will get done. Also longer you live with him more there is s chance you'll pay him spousal support in case of divorce. My husband also couldn't make his ex to keep a job and had no guts to leave. We now paying her rather large alimony for years to come. Judge said she needs set number of years to get on her feet because she never maintained full time employment. So either leave now or accept that things will not change or that they will get worse

[Rainstoppedplay]

Um, I've been in this situation with a lazy selfish husband. So upsetting to be working your socks off to find people laying around on the sofa all day while you dash around doing EVERYTHING. Very stressful.

[Rose76]

These two are leeches. Like father, like daughter. I would rather be alone than put up with the two of them.

[Rose76]

These two are leeches. Like father, like daughter. I would rather be alone than put up with the two of them.

That daughter of his may end up hanging around indefinitely . . . like, for years.

[Mapper]

And guess who suffered no repercussions at all for being out a week and not calling in half the time?! I DO NOT understand how he gets away with it! I asked him if everybody was glad to have him back and if he got a talking to and he said that everyone was glad to see him and he just told them that had a really bad case of the flu. Then I see he was on Facebook for a good part of the day while at work as well, even after not being there for a week. I said to him "So when is your next fake illness going to take place? Because there will be more of these episodes." He goes "I don't know, but I'l have to find a new excuse because I can't use that excuse again." UN-BE-LEIVE-ABLE!!!!!!!!

Just not do the cleaning, cooking and things around the house. As for the bills, leave half for him on his dinner plate.

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Just not do the cleaning, cooking and things around the house. As for the bills, leave half for him on his dinner plate.

Well he does cook, usually more than I do. As far as cleaning goes, I am a TOTAL neat freak so just not doing the cleaning isn't something I can do. I just feel gross if there's crumbs on the carpet, in the couch cushions, cat hair over everything.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by Mapper

Well he does cook, usually more than I do. As far as cleaning goes, I am a TOTAL neat freak so just not doing the cleaning isn't something I can do. I just feel gross if there's crumbs on the carpet, in the couch cushions, cat hair over everything.

I've noticed that you'll start these threads about this awful treatment you receive and whenever someone mentions that you need to divorce this bozo you start making excuses and/or stating there is some reason you can't.

That means you've chosen this situation for yourself and it's what you want.

P.S. you can have everything as clean as you like in your own place.

[~Christina]

Why not take a day off yourself to file for divorce??

If you have children under 18 then support will have to be in place .

If no kids .... That makes a divorce more simple..

[Rose76]

I just want to add that it's easy for me to say, "Go dump the two of them." Figuring out what, realistically, you can and want to do is not so easy.

I hope you find some way to exert some leverage over them. Maybe - don't leave anything good in the house to eat.

I remember a period in my life when my guy was out of work and not really looking for a job, while I was bustin' it. I think I came home one day and cut the TV electric cord.

You ever see those sharp spears they put on parts of buildings to keep birds from landing there? Wouldn't it be cool, if you could rig up the furniture in your house so there just was no comfortable place to sit or lie down on?

[Mapper]

I am REALLY tired of H trying to convince SD to move up here! She's 19, has expressed no interest in moving up here, she has all her friends down there, she told him when she visited here last month that she has applied at jobs down there. She was here for 3 days and not once was there a discussion about her going back to school or getting a job. The ONLY time it was talked about was about 20 minutes after she arrived and he said to her "So what's up with the job?" and that's when she told him Starbucks didn't work out and she's applying at a few other places and will start working next quarter when she goes back to school. He basically said "That's cool" and then the rest of the time it was all about making sure she was happy. For a month leading up to her visit he was going on to me about how she needs to get her act together and her mother isn't doing her any favors and how she should come up here and get a job, but then doesn't even talk to her about it when she's here.

Then last Wednesday, the day after the election, she posts some meme on Facebook. Nothing political, just some animal meme and H responds to it with "That's cute" and then says "So what's your plan to fight back against the recent election?? School is a good start!" to which she replies "Um I already registered so yea I'm sure ill make a good start!" He either didn't see that or just ignored it because then yesterday he kept pinging her on Facebook again. Here's the conversation:

H:How are you going to fight back for the next two years? More elections coming then how will you influence that event? Go back to school.

No reply from SD.

Later on in the afternoon, after he had been on Facebook all afternoon dissing all his friends that voted for Trump (who were getting really agitated with all his political posts) he sends her another message:

H:I thought you might enjoy this conversation. Don't get downhearted by the current situation. Become energized and act with courage and truth. Be a part of the next election cycle in two years and work to change things for the better. He ended up sending her this whole Facebook conversation he had with another guy.

SD: I know it just was very shocking for me to see how panicked everyone was because I wasn't scared before and then I logged into Facebook and all my friends are freaking out. It just was a bit shocking for me.

H: All the more reason to separate yourself from the drama and think towards the future. What do you want?

SD:I know I know it just was a bit scary.

H: All we have to fear is fear itself. Think about when I wheelied on the motorcycle. It was scary because you didn't understand it.

SD:Well yea. But I mean I know it'll be what it'll be.

H: True to an extent. But you are able to directly influence this so it turns from "it is what it is" to "It is but it was because I changed it"

SD: I know dad.

H: Remember that time study we did? Where I asked you to outline how you spend your time?

SD: Yes

H: Do it again

SD: OK

H:I know I put some stuff out there that's hard to deal with. But I love you and want you to be a complete human. The place where I work is going to be hiring again soon. You can sell motorcycle clothes.

SD: Dad I'm sorry but it's Julie's birthday day and I'm trying to spend time with her.

H: Ok have fun.

SD: We'll try

Has he totally NOT seen that she has posted that she is registered to go back to school? And he thinks having her come up here, leaving her mother, to work with him selling motorcycle clothes is her dream?? Or will set her on the path to independence and glory?? She obviously has no desire to even have that conversation with him. Whats the difference if she's selling motorcycle clothes up here or working at Target down there?

And I totally don't understand him with the whole "You need to fight back against the election and the way for you to do that is to leave all your friends, come up here, get away from your mother's grip and work with me"?? Does that make ANY sense to anyone??!!

It makes perfect sense to me. He misses his daughter and feels she can benefit from his years of experience. It's his kid....and being away from your child can and often does feel very unnatural. As they grow and age we are more acutely aware of all the time we missed out on. Being divorced and raising kids in seperate homes can devastate the kids of course but it also does a number on the non custodial parent. My ex husband wasn't in my sons life due to his own problems...getting a child support payment was like winning the lottery. I took care of all his insurance and health care needs which were plenty....I paid for his braces....I threw him parties and attending all his school meetings and functions. It was hard work and all my ex would do if I asked for some help was verbally beat me down and complain about every parenting decision I made while he continued to do nothing. Now that my son is 19, he can really see all he missed out on. I do t think he's capable of guilt but he has regrets, of that I'm sure. Now he thinks he knows everything about my son when he's hardly spent more than a few days with him.

Your husband wants to help his daughter and is doing what he thinks is best. Hopefully his daughter stands her ground and stays on the path which is right for her. Hopefully your husband will respect her for it and they will grow together and hold a forever strong bond.

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

It makes perfect sense to me. He misses his daughter and feels she can benefit from his years of experience. It's his kid....and being away from your child can and often does feel very unnatural. As they grow and age we are more acutely aware of all the time we missed out on. Being divorced and raising kids in seperate homes can devastate the kids of course but it also does a number on the non custodial parent. My ex husband wasn't in my sons life due to his own problems...getting a child support payment was like winning the lottery. I took care of all his insurance and health care needs which were plenty....I paid for his braces....I threw him parties and attending all his school meetings and functions. It was hard work and all my ex would do if I asked for some help was verbally beat me down and complain about every parenting decision I made while he continued to do nothing. Now that my son is 19, he can really see all he missed out on. I do t think he's capable of guilt but he has regrets, of that I'm sure. Now he thinks he knows everything about my son when he's hardly spent more than a few days with him.

Your husband wants to help his daughter and is doing what he thinks is best. Hopefully his daughter stands her ground and stays on the path which is right for her. Hopefully your husband will respect her for it and they will grow together and hold a forever strong bond.

But she is registered to go back to school in January, which he seems to have totally either ignored or overlooked even though he keeps telling her to go back to school, and then thinks that moving her life 4 hours north away from her friends to work selling motorcycle clothes is going to put her in the right direction?? And also, this is a guy who takes anywhere from 2-5 days off a week nearly every month without pay because he just doesn't feel like going in so I don't see any wisdom rubbing off on her.

I'm not saying he's not misguided. The school thing could just be him feeling the need to repeat himself because it makes him feel like he's doing "something" and he knows that encouraging her to go to school is a very smart thing. Selling clothes is a way to keep her near and retain a bond and even increase the existing bond. People share their opinions whether they are right or wrong. Everyone thinks they are right or they wouldn't state the opinion in the first place (one would hope). But lots of very naive and misled people shout the loudest even though they have little of value to say. But we all have a right to state our opinion, even if it's wrong.

[~Christina]

I think what her father said to her is a very good thing. You can not control his discussions with his own child.

Okay so she's signed up for school that doesn't mean he can't still wish she would move in with him. He is allowed to have his own hopes and wishes.

As for him taking days off work ??? Again his choice. Are bills being paid? Food on the table? I can't remember if you work or not ??

If she will soon be in school the you need to figure out how to let this go. Sounds like she is making plans and your still in a panic, breath.

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I think what her father said to her is a very good thing. You can not control his discussions with his own child.

Okay so she's signed up for school that doesn't mean he can't still wish she would move in with him. He is allowed to have his own hopes and wishes.

As for him taking days off work ??? Again his choice. Are bills being paid? Food on the table? I can't remember if you work or not ??

If she will soon be in school the you need to figure out how to let this go. Sounds like she is making plans and your still in a panic, breath.

Oh yeah the bills are being paid (as usual practically all by me), food is on the table because I do the grocery shopping, clothes are clean because I do the laundry and every other household chore, including mowing the yard, upkeep in the garden--which he just HAD to have, but does NOTHING with it! It was more just the idea of having a garden that he loved--upkeep and planting and harvesting, not so much.

So honestly in my mind, this house is pretty much mine even though both our names are on the paperwork so honestly I should be able to say who lives with us. Harsh, I know, but he doesn't do a damn thing to contribute. Nearly everything in our house is what I bought, I even bought his truck ($3200 which he didn't have to pay a penny of because he needed a vehicle). Honestly, the only thing I can think of right now that is actually something he bought in our house (only because he had it before he met me) is the futon, his computer desk and his computer. If he left this house tomorrow, that's all he'd get along with all his clothes!

[Moogieotter]

Hi Mapper,

Sorry you are struggling with your H and Stepdaughter. So many of us here want to help and see your situation change.

Looking back at all of the threads you have posted here at PC, there are 19 threads - 17 of them are complaining about your H or SD or Both - going back to 2014.

I don't know if you don't want advice and just need to vent - that's totally cool. From my perspective, if I did not have children with this person, I would file for divorce immediately.

I hope you find relief soon. Thanks,

moogs