Sick of being valued the least

I have been in social isolation for 6 years, only interacting with my parents, who fight constantly.

I am sure I say stupid or awkward stuff when I try to express my opinion or try to be funny. I never get shamed or mocked.

Maybe I get mocked when I am not there, I don't know. Maybe I can appear to be normal. But I do hear others talk about some people with bad social skills or awkward or odd behavior. (Lotś of people like that in hard science/academics)

How come people around you shame you? Are you misinterpreting? Or are you hanging out with the worst of the worst people?

And actually, if people don't say a thing, you can't learn, because you do not know you are being awkward, mean, odd, strange, whatever. When they shame you, you can learn. So while I understand why it would frustrated, what you say doesn't counter what I suggested. The people that are most blunt are actually good to learn from, in a way. Sure, people that give feedback and try to be inclusive towards you are way better.

I can't even think a thought like 'being valued the least'. There is someone who is the least valuable? Your thinking is so off I can't even wrap my head around it. Please check out CBT. Your thinking is a perfect example of what this therapy addresses.

True, if you're not funny, you're just not funny. Some people are just not funny. You either have it or you don't.

Why don't we role play some charismatic conversation on this thread? C'mon Shadix and Talthibius, it'll be fun. Pretend I am Jessica Rabbit and the three of us are standing at a cocktail party.

Yes, there are people who are valued as friends and people who are not. In fact, people sometimes hang out with people they don't even really like. I pay close attention to how my coworkers treat me vs how they treat the others in the group. It is pretty obvious they do not value me as much. In fact, it seems I am mostly ignored when there are others around. And the ones they always seem most interested in talking to are the charismatic guys with the great sense of humor. Girls in particular love funny guys. Just ask girls what they like in a guy and you always see "sense of humor" on their list. I am usually afraid of embarrassing myself, so I end up being the quiet, boring guy. That is probably why I am valued the least, by the females especially.

Also, I disagree with your last comment. Funny is subjective. Not everyone agrees on what is funny and what isn't. Also, nobody is funny 100% of the time. People sometimes say things that are funny and sometimes say things that aren't. Lots of other factors play a role.

Maybe I've been a D-list friend to people. What do I care? Did I enjoy myself? Did I enjoy their company? If they liked me enough to invite me somewhere, that's good enough for me. I don't care to question how many others they may have called first.

I'm sorry I can't be of any real help to you.

You know Shadix, I often used to feel the same way, that I wasn't engaging enough, or knew enough to really belong with people. I'm a shy reclusive introvert who, like you, just wants to be accepted for who I am, not for some ideal that others want me to become. I am who I am, an awesome creative free spirit who finds beauty in raw emotion, and baring one's soul. I'm emotional, and passionate, and that's okay because it's a part of who I am and I can always channel it into a painting or sketch of some sort.

I am just afraid of the same things you are, and probably have the same thoughts you do too, I just try and not let them hold me back as much as possible. That in and of itself is very difficult.

I also feel I'm more of what my old T describes as a late bloomer, in that it takes me more time to develop and experience things than other people, but I'm okay for being this way. It's not a fault, but a gift rather, because I can hold onto my youth for longer than some can. In fact, I still look rather youthful, more like a teenager than the 33 year old I am today (well, will be tomorrow on the 20th, which is my birthday BTW).

Anyways, I hope you can find what your looking for, and if you want to talk, feel free to drop me a PM sometime.

Hmmm, I'd go for a thoughtful friend over a charismatic asshole friend anytime.

Seesaw

Maybe get a puppy/dog .... Dog parks are a great place to meet people, it also is a level playing ground..... Everyone has to pick up poop the same.

You've clearly never owned a great dane. Lol. It's not the same poop at all.

A mountain of Great Dane poop =/= a tiny noodle of Chihuahua poop

Lol....so true

It sounds like you are working with a bunch of jerks who get their self esteem spikes by treating other people poorly. Most offices have people like this and often times they are in positions of leadership unfortunately.

You said it yourself, these people are not your friends and you are not defined by how they treat you. They are defined by how they treat you. Instead of trying to understand why these people treat you this way, begin understanding why they effect your self worth when you don't even like them or consider them nice people. I know that it may seem I'm making this out to be more simple than it is. I know there must be a lot of emotion behind this for you and I'm sorry. How they treat others is a reflection on their character and not your value.

Lmao !!! You guys crack me up !!

Thanks, I appreciate it. It sounds like we are similar in many ways. I am also a late bloomer and people tend to think I am a bit younger than I am (I'm 28). I think part my issue is also that I am still sort of in my identity formation phase that most people are usually finished with by the time they are my age. I have a strong desire to express myself and be recognized by those around me.

Anyways, happy birthday!

Honestly, they are pretty nice to me for the most part. The issue is that I get the feeling they don't really value me or enjoy my company. So I end up feeling conflicted. On the one hand, I feel like I should appreciate their kindness and the fact that they include me. But on the other hand, it really hurts my self image to know that people don't find me appealing. Especially when I think about how they would respond to my charismatic younger brother.

If it was just some people, it wouldn't be a problem.. But it seems like this is a pretty consistent thing. People never seem impressed with my personality. So when I hang out with this group of friends, it's not just "these people consider me a D-list friend" it's "these people consider me a D-list friend, what else is new?" I wish I could just enjoy their company, but I always come away depressed by the way they treat me.

For me I prefer to be alone (although it's painful) than being around people who don't value me.

You really don't have to accept the roles or boxes people try to put you in. I doubt you will feel better about yourself if you try and do so but some people do find conformity comforting which is fine. (((hugs)))

This has a lot to do with your obsession about your witty, charismatic brother being better than you. Your threads have this theme over and over.

Not everyone is witty and charismatic. What strengths do you have? What does impress people about you? What do you enjoy doing? Whose company do you really enjoy? You may not even really like these people you hang out with.

I urge you to stop comparing yourself to your brother. Everyone is different. You have to be the best YOU.

Not comparing myself to my brother won't work, since other people will do it for me. Every time I let my friends meet my brother, they come away thinking he is much cooler than me, and they make this obvious. Am I supposed to just embrace my role as the less desirable, less likable of the two? Because I will pretty much be forced to do that if this is allowed to continue. Either I have to change my personality to match up to him or I have to keep him far away from my social life.

What other strengths do I have? Well, I look young and attractive. I would say this is probably the only thing other than charisma which allows me to get any attention. But still, I am obsolete compared to someone like my brother, who has both the looks and the charisma. And plus, looks fade, and the day I stop looking young and attractive is the day I lose the ability maintain a positive self image.

Serious question for everyone. Lets say there are two guys. Guy 1 is charismatic, articulate, insightful, witty, funny and popular. Guy 2 is shy, awkward, dumb, cliche, boring and unpopular. If these two guys ever get into a fight and Guy 1 starts arguing that he is just straight up better than Guy 2 in every way, how exactly is Guy 2 supposed to defend his dignity?

This is exactly the situation I've been in numerous times when I was younger and my brother would maliciously attack me in this way. I believe I was chronically traumatized by this. Over the years my brother has matured and now he seems to show me more compassion instead of contempt. But I believe he is narcissistic and still has it in him to revert back to his old self. I believe he is mellow now because I do not really get into fights with him and because he does not feel threatened by me anymore (in the past, despite our relative social positions, he did envy me for reasons I don't completely understand). I essentially cannot trust him to be superior to me in the eyes of society. As long as this is the case, I do not feel comfortable around him and we can never have a normal brotherly relationship. My mom senses that things aren't normal between us and she is concerned by it. However, she is incapable of understanding the effect he has had on me and why it matters. She comes from a culture where their thinking is very primitive and they don't understand complex psychological concepts.

I concede often that people are better at me at some things. I do not concede on their value being more than mine. (((Hugs)))

...with a firm punch to the jaw of Guy 1? Yep, your brother's belittling did you long term self esteem damage.

You should read Feeling Good by David Burns. It is the CBT bible. It gets you to look at your thinking that is making you unhappy and change the way you think. This so applies to you in this issue!

I do not recommend resorting to violence with your brother or anyone else for that matter. You are going to meet lots of people in this world who get their self worth through bringing other people down. Try not to be like them. Try to get your strength through building people up.

You really need to work on your self esteem issues and work with a counselor on this comparison you have with your brother. You deserve to be free of these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life. This baggage will weigh you down.

What I really need to work on is basically either:

1) Become more charismatic, witty and articulate to the point where I can match my brother

or

2) Brainwash myself to believe that those things don't matter and that I am better than people like my brother despite what society thinks