[JoeS21]

There is someone in my life who seems to be having more and more angry outbursts. The outbursts happen regardless of whether or not there is something to be angry about. It's an emotional phenomenon, not a logical one. There is a correlation with a growing attraction that she's admitted having toward me. She doesn't want to talk about it.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Can you describe what might be going on?

[TishaBuv]

She is attracted to you, but you are not attracted to her and that is why she is having angry outbursts?

[Bill3]

Anger is often a defense against some other, more uncomfortable emotion, e.g. anxiety, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, depression. What uncomfortable emotion(s) might she be experiencing?

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

She is attracted to you, but you are not attracted to her and that is why she is having angry outbursts?

I'm attracted to her too.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Anger is often a defense against some other, more uncomfortable emotion, e.g. anxiety, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, depression. What uncomfortable emotion(s) might she be experiencing?

That sounds about right. She doesn't want to talk about it so I'm not sure what to do.

[leejosepho]

Maybe she is afraid of the relationship going sour and is sub-consciously "testing it" while consciously looking for reassurance it will not.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Maybe she is afraid of the relationship going sour and is sub-consciously "testing it" while consciously looking for reassurance it will not.

That could be it. In that case what sorts of things might I do?

[wildflowersinmytea]

Maybe she's been abused by someone she was attracted to and it's triggering her?

[divine1966]

She is angry because she is attracted? I dont get it. Does she tell you?

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

That could be it. In that case what sorts of things might I do?

The first thing I would do would be to try to always refrain from any kind of retaliation, correction, scolding, argument...anything negative. To do anything like that could likely just reinforce whatever fear she might have. So overall, I would try to wait for her to hopefully eventually say something on her own about her occasional outbursts and then only ask some non-confrontive questions about what she might think you might be able to do that might be helpful in relation to them. However, all of that does not mean I would just quietly stand there taking regular beatings. An outburst of anger about one thing or another is one thing, but an actual attack upon my person is never a tolerable action. "Get me once, shame on you; get me twice, shame on me."

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by wildflowersinmytea

Maybe she's been abused by someone she was attracted to and it's triggering her?

Correct. What advice might you have for me, given that accurate information?

[Bill3]

Over time, if you are patient and kind, she will come to learn that she can trust you and then gradually she won't be triggered by her attraction to you.

It will be a major test of your patience.

[Crazy Hitch]

The Anger Iceberg - remember you don't see 90% of what's beneath the surface:

[wildflowersinmytea]

How old is she and how well do you know her?

I would be direct and say, hey I like you but I don't understand why you have these outbursts - did something happen with someone else that maybe makes you react like this? Because I want to be supportive but I don't understand your anger towards me.

I can rewire some of my triggers with time but I need to understand what they are and want to do it before there's a chance.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

She doesn't want to talk about it.

That will likely just trigger withdrawal or an outburst.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by wildflowersinmytea

How old is she and how well do you know her?

I would be direct and say, hey I like you but I don't understand why you have these outbursts - did something happen with someone else that maybe makes you react like this? Because I want to be supportive but I don't understand your anger towards me.

I can rewire some of my triggers with time but I need to understand what they are and want to do it before there's a chance.

I need to be very careful about saying stuff like that... I didn't mention it, but others speculate that she has borderline personality disorder.... She prefers for people to figure her out and does better when others react to her feelings and prioritize those over other stuff (feelings >>> logical communication). I am learning to screen all of my communication for any hint of condescending or patronizing affect. That being said, I wish I could just ask like that and get the answer. That would be great!

[Bill3]

Specifics of the "why" are not necessarily easy to know. In general, though, the answer to the "why" is this: She has experienced enormous pain.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

I need to be very careful about saying stuff like that... I didn't mention it, but others speculate that she has borderline personality disorder.... She prefers for people to figure her out and does better when others react to her feelings and prioritize those over other stuff (feelings >>> logical communication). I am learning to screen all of my communication for any hint of condescending or patronizing affect. That being said, I wish I could just ask like that and get the answer. That would be great!

You don't have to let her manipulate you into a walking on eggshells guessing game. BPD or not, you can tell her the emotional outbursts do her no good unless she communicates with words to make you understand.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You don't have to let her manipulate you into a walking on eggshells guessing game. BPD or not, you can tell her the emotional outbursts do her no good unless she communicates with words to make you understand.

As messed up as it may be, her outbursts do her good. They suggest to me that she cares or likes me, otherwise she wouldn't be having them toward me. Outbursts increase affection. Still wish I understood or could understand her faster.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

As messed up as it may be, her outbursts do her good. They suggest to me that she cares or likes me, otherwise she wouldn't be having them toward me. Outbursts increase affection. Still wish I understood or could understand her faster.

Can you describe the outbursts? Are they increasing your affection towards her? Or are they only increasing her affection towards you? Remember, how you set your relationship to be is how your relationship will be, so what you do you are going to keep doing or not doing.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Can you describe the outbursts? Are they increasing your affection towards her? Or are they only increasing her affection towards you? Remember, how you set your relationship to be is how your relationship will be, so what you do you are going to keep doing or not doing.

The outburst are sudden, generally involve a raised voice or actual yelling, and lack a logical component. The content tends to not make sense in context to the point that bystanders end up confused or laughing when there are bystanders. They seem to be expressions of intense anger or frustration.

I don't know if they increase my affection or if my affection just stays the same. I wish she didn't have these outbursts because I don't want her to be miserable.

I have no idea how these outbursts could increase her affection towards me. I want her to feel affectionate about me, but can't say much about this. Wish I knew more.

We are still getting to know and understand one another. I am still learning how she reacts to different things. What sets off this and that. What she likes. How to best interact or not interact with her, to ideally make her feel good about me, about herself, and good in general - or at least not bad.

[TishaBuv]

I've never seen anyone do that. That is strange behavior.

You sound like a really nice, caring guy. Whatever it is, she is lucky to have you.

[Erebos]

r u talking Tourette's style outbursts?Or outbursts triggered by something you have said? Filtering everything you say won't help her. Because no one else will do this so how will she learn to understand that not every inflection or tone is a critisism.
If she only does this with you, however, it suggests she does have some control over it, which brings us back to her being manipulative at best and abusive at worst.

[divine1966]

It's possible you are trying to justify abusive behaviors. So she feels mire attracted to you after she gets to yell and scream at you? Sounds awful. If she can't control it then she needs to see a doctor. But frankly since she only does it with you then it's very likely she is plain abusive and her increased attraction to you is due to enjoying abusing you. You deserve better