Toxic Family

This is just a rant. But I wouldn't mind supportive comments or ideas about what has worked for others.

My family is so toxic. I don't need to go into much detail, but they are just hugely invalidating, unsupportive, and inconsiderate (among other things like emotional and physical abuse). I already have a next-to-nothing relationship with my father. We haven't really spoken in almost a year. And then it was a five minute phone call. He has been communicating via text the last few days because my uncle is in the hospital.

I have pretty much no relationship with my older brothers. I was close to the eldest at one time, until the level of his toxicity and his wife's toxicity became so apparent I had to distance myself. My other brother used to abuse me terribly growing up, so I have no relationship with him. But it's difficult because my parents have turned a blind eye to that abuse and try to make me feel guilty about having no relationship with him. That's a long story there too.

I went no contact with my mom for a long time. We reconnected in 2015. Since then I had had some hope for our relationship, but after this past Christmas, I am certain that I have to go back to a very chill relationship with her, because I can't count on her for any kind of emotional support. Her husband is fine, but he has raised these low-life (for lack of a better word) sons that I don't want to associate with. Sorry if that makes me snobby or whatever but I can't be emotionally invested in people who have poor boundaries, who commit crimes, who use others, etc. I won't have people like that in my life, even if they are my mother's husband's sons.

I let myself expect that I could have some semblance of family. I knew better to let myself expect anything. I let my guard down and let false hope get in.

I have friends, I have my dogs. It's just hard not having family. And people don't understand what it's like not having family because your family is abusive and toxic.

Sigh.

it hurts seesaw, i know personally my family dynamic is similar, this time of year it's so hard to remember that we keep them at arms length for a reason, toxic people are counter productive to our well being, makes xmas hard tho, i hope you at least enjoyed yourself over the holidays

Yeah, especially when you have a son who's cohort with a lying, no good ****** of an ex bf!!!!!!

I told my son I want nothing to do with him anymore!!!!! No calls, no visits, NOTHING!!!!

He's stupid just like the ex!!!!

A family does not need to be defined as those related to you. If you have friends and dogs too, you have a family. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You have a family here.

My wife came from an abusive upbringing. Yes, she has a mother and father, but by no means does she consider them 'family'. They are never there for her. She only gets calls when they need something or to complain. She's probably closer to my mom than to hers and probably talks to my mom more than she does her own mother.

So don't get caught up on the definition of a 'family'. Enjoy your friends. Have fun with your dogs. They are the ones that will be there when you need them.

Thank you, worrist.

Hang in there, seesaw. You've come so far. No need to let them drag you back. We're here for you as your PC fam.

moogs

Sending you hugs. Limiting time with them is the only solution imho

I had still thought there might still be some hope while my mother was still alive, and I am still willing to listen if either of my two remaining brothers might ever attempt to display some consistent civility. Overall, however, I definitely know how you feel and I commend you for being realistic and being able to vent a bit without spewing hatred.

It's difficult when family members are sick, abusive and fail to offer the basic support that families are suppose to offer, especially during the holidays!

It doesn't make you "snobby" to expect more or better in your life. I'm glad to hear that you have friends and pets as you deserve to be loved and cared about. In terms of supportive comments, I would say to prioritize your own mental and emotional health; protect yourself.

Perhaps chip away at family problems with whatever energy truly is available for that, and no more. Timing your interactions with family so that they are followed by a visit from a supportive friend or therapist might help. It's great to see that you at least realize there's a problem, have articulated the nature of it, and are reaching out for help. Best of luck!

I just need to be much more careful about how I spend my limited free time and vacations. If I go visit my mom, it will have to be with a hotel room. And so I don't see that happening very often. And she certainly isn't going to come to visit me anytime soon.

It sounds like everyone still wants you to feel guilty that things aren't the way we would all like life to be. And the images of family all gathered the Christmas tree that we get bombarded with this time of year sure don't help. For me, its still hard to reject the guilt trip, still hard to accept my that its not our job to fix everything. Its learning how to say "no" and not feeling guilty. There's a few books about that - maybe reading one could help.

Hi seesaw

Reading your story is like my own. I don't talk to most of my family due to the toxicity. I've been hurt too many times from childhood and also adulthood. It seems you've had no support from them. Yes it is hard because I know you want to belong to a family. But your 'family' does not consist of love and wanting a healthy relationship with you. It leaves you feeling isolated. I feel the same way, and the feelings of sadness are exacerbated at Christmas time.

I realise a few years ago that I have complex PTSD, you may want to read up about it. Its the result of multiple traumas from childhood and is worse than your common PTSD. So focus on friends that love you.

PH