[Pinocchio46]

I’m a 23 year old male; I’ve never really been very outgoing or good at making friends. I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life, to the point where I can’t really smile or laugh around people. I can’t eat in front of people, and I struggle with leaving the house a lot of times.

At the same time I’m a good person, I know it sounds egotistical to say, but I think I’m very kind and if someone needs me I’ll always be there. At college I always ask people how they are, I’m relatively comfortable around them, but not close. I have a dry sense of humour and always try to make people laugh.

Recently because of a really bad patch I was going through I had to turn my phone off. Some I talked to about how I was feeling in detail before hand, others I didn’t. But when I turned my phone on six weeks later, I saw no one had asked me how I was doing, no one. It wasn’t even a case of telling people I’d turned off my phone because I did it suddenly. Again today at Christmas no one sent me a message, no one called.

I’d suspected for a while that some of these people weren’t really there for me, but after six weeks to have nothing, it was heartbreaking. I don’t feel sorry for myself, but when I think of that it makes me really sad.

It’s the thought that I really could be dead, and people wouldn’t even know. What does this say about me, that at 23 I have no one who really cares about me. Christmas is meant to be a time to be around the people you love, and I’m alone. I don’t know how this will change.

Should I just give up on people altogether and concentrate on trying to follow my goals? How can I keep letting people into my life when it leaves me feeling like this? I felt better when my phone was off, I really thought when I turned it on I would see a message from some of these people, and I would know they cared.

[fairydustgirl]

I'm very sorry and sad that this happened to you. I am certain you are a very nice and generous person. You sound very smart and articulate in your writing.
I was just thinking though, is there any reason your ph might not have picked up on all those messages with it turned off after that much time? I am not an expert on phones, it was just a thought.
Anyway, I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope you are well. (((BIG HUGS)))

I need to ask a few questions before I can give an answer:
Who are those people who don't contact you? Are they acquaintances? Close friends? Family members?
And aside from social struggles, do you have hobbies? Something you're good at?

[Pinocchio46]

Hello fairydustgirl,

Thank you for your message, unfortunately I'm almost certain all of the messages would have come through, I am part of a group chat and I received all of them, mostly just my old friends talking about getting drunk. I got a Christmas list for my cousin's daughter too, she sent it before I told her my phone was turned off. They were all on whatsapp, that's all I ever talk to people on, and have done for years, so I can't imagine someone would randomly text another way.

I just can't believe that was it though.

Merry Christmas to you too.

[Pinocchio46]

Hello Vibrating Obsidian,

Thank you for your message. Most of them are friends, some closer than others I suppose, and family members.

My main hobby is film, it's something I want to do as a career, I'm studying it at college, it's just hard with my anxiety at times.

Thanks again.

Originally Posted by Pinocchio46

Hello Vibrating Obsidian,

Thank you for your message. Most of them are friends, some closer than others I suppose, and family members.

My main hobby is film, it's something I want to do as a career, I'm studying it at college, it's just hard with my anxiety at times.

Thanks again.

How do people usually contact you, except the time when you had no phone?
Because in my circle of friends, we don't tend to send "how are you doing?" messages. We get to the point with whatever we need or want to do, or call right away for whatever other reasons.
I know how this can feel as I had people I considered friends to not seem that way, so in time I either left them, or told myself to take them more casually. Casualness greatly helps. Create more serious relationships with people who truly deserve it in your eyes.
Another thing I do is build strength of my own - I keep my hobbies and activities in check. To be honest, it makes me care less about whether others think about me or not. So long as I take care of myself and evolve independently, friends are merely an addition.

And are you treating your anxiety well? Such as exercising, diets, sleeping well, teas, meditation, etc?

[Pinocchio46]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

How do people usually contact you, except the time when you had no phone?
Because in my circle of friends, we don't tend to send "how are you doing?" messages. We get to the point with whatever we need or want to do, or call right away for whatever other reasons.
I know how this can feel as I had people I considered friends to not seem that way, so in time I either left them, or told myself to take them more casually. Casualness greatly helps. Create more serious relationships with people who truly deserve it in your eyes.
Another thing I do is build strength of my own - I keep my hobbies and activities in check. To be honest, it makes me care less about whether others think about me or not. So long as I take care of myself and evolve independently, friends are merely an addition.

And are you treating your anxiety well? Such as exercising, diets, sleeping well, teas, meditation, etc?

Pretty much the only time I talk to people is through whatsapp, I don't have any social media pages or anything like that. I understand what you are saying about being casual friends, I mentally reached that point with most a few years ago. And I agree about what you said about having hobbies, I think in a way not having people to distract me contributes to me spending more time watching movies which is honestly better for me. I just can't believe that no one even sent a message to me when I was gone, especially as some knew I wasn't in the best of places before hand, even if they didn't know the details.

And my anxiety goes up and down, I had a great 2015 but 2016 seemed to get worse and worse, it was a little better when my phone was off. I try to drink mostly water these days, I don't know if that helps. My sleeping pattern was pretty good too, but now I'm up most of the night.

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe they just respected your no phone boundary, and waited till you appeared online again.

Thats been my experience when switching off my phone.

Originally Posted by Pinocchio46

Hello Vibrating Obsidian,

Thank you for your message. Most of them are friends, some closer than others I suppose, and family members.

My main hobby is film, it's something I want to do as a career, I'm studying it at college, it's just hard with my anxiety at times.

Thanks again.

Originally Posted by Pinocchio46

Pretty much the only time I talk to people is through whatsapp, I don't have any social media pages or anything like that. I understand what you are saying about being casual friends, I mentally reached that point with most a few years ago. And I agree about what you said about having hobbies, I think in a way not having people to distract me contributes to me spending more time watching movies which is honestly better for me. I just can't believe that no one even sent a message to me when I was gone, especially as some knew I wasn't in the best of places before hand, even if they didn't know the details.

And my anxiety goes up and down, I had a great 2015 but 2016 seemed to get worse and worse, it was a little better when my phone was off. I try to drink mostly water these days, I don't know if that helps. My sleeping pattern was pretty good too, but now I'm up most of the night.

I know how it feels.
It takes the understanding that people are so used to socializing that it flows less to meetup with someone who is less socially energetic. It's not that they say "oh I don't want to hang out with that guy", it's just that they choose those they do want to hang out with, and end up putting you aside. Socializing flows in them so much they don't notice well enough what they are doing and what not. Business (busy-ness) has the same effect.
Most people do not understand the meaning of having struggles, some even no matter how much you tell them.
This is why it's important to first and foremost take care of yourself - exercising, eating well, sleeping well, hobbies, ambitions. If social situations are difficult for you, see how you can do by letting that be a secondary aspect of your life.

I know I'm starting to sound large here, but those are things I tell myself quite frequently, so I'm on a similar land.
I've been exercising for 2.5 months, increasing my diet quality, and it greatly helps!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Pinocchio46

I’m a 23 year old male; I’ve never really been very outgoing or good at making friends. I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life, to the point where I can’t really smile or laugh around people. I can’t eat in front of people, and I struggle with leaving the house a lot of times.

At the same time I’m a good person, I know it sounds egotistical to say, but I think I’m very kind and if someone needs me I’ll always be there. At college I always ask people how they are, I’m relatively comfortable around them, but not close. I have a dry sense of humour and always try to make people laugh.

Recently because of a really bad patch I was going through I had to turn my phone off. Some I talked to about how I was feeling in detail before hand, others I didn’t. But when I turned my phone on six weeks later, I saw no one had asked me how I was doing, no one. It wasn’t even a case of telling people I’d turned off my phone because I did it suddenly. Again today at Christmas no one sent me a message, no one called.

I’d suspected for a while that some of these people weren’t really there for me, but after six weeks to have nothing, it was heartbreaking. I don’t feel sorry for myself, but when I think of that it makes me really sad.

It’s the thought that I really could be dead, and people wouldn’t even know. What does this say about me, that at 23 I have no one who really cares about me. Christmas is meant to be a time to be around the people you love, and I’m alone. I don’t know how this will change.

Should I just give up on people altogether and concentrate on trying to follow my goals? How can I keep letting people into my life when it leaves me feeling like this? I felt better when my phone was off, I really thought when I turned it on I would see a message from some of these people, and I would know they cared.

You've stated you turned on your phone after several weeks but have not alluded to the idea whether you've contacted anyone to let them know that you are back. I can't say either direction whether people have "left you" without that information. And it's a defining point. If you just turn on your phone and expect people to suddenly realize you're back and come running, many many people wouldn't do that unless you were really close, in contact with them like daily type of close. That is not a sign that they don't care. So that's why I ask. Second, they may not even know you're back. Not everyone is watching their statuses of their friends online. Especially if you literally mean just your phone was turned on. There is no alert for people to know your phone was turned on. Skype, steam (gaming platform) or other messaging system will show whether people are online or not but a phone by itself being turned on has no such alerts. Text messaging has no such thing afaik.

It's a whole different story if you've tried to contact others and they are now ignoring you - but I would assume you would state that in this post and say that you were now being ignored. which is why I'm assuming this is not the case. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Another thing is, many people are busy with the holidays currently and so may not be looking at their phones as much.

To assume they have "left you" is a big leap if you haven't made any attempts to make contact. After all, you're the one that went off the grid, not them, so it's really your responsibility to let people know and not theirs. Most people I know, if they notice someone stops answering texts or messages without an explanation for an extended period will assume that they won't get responses anymore and will give up.

Reach out to them.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Maybe they just respected your no phone boundary, and waited till you appeared online again.

Thats been my experience when switching off my phone.

I agree but, I might add only with friends close enough that they already kept in touch very regularly. more than likely casual acquaintences won't even be looking or waiting for someone to appear online.

[Trippin2.0]

My apologies, I should have phrased that better. When I said "appeared back online".... I mean in my case I send a mass text / BC letting them (my VIPs) know my sabbatical has ended.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by Pinocchio46

I don’t feel sorry for myself, but when I think of that it makes me really sad.

I think the feeling for me would be MAD and SAD. I love how you were able to put this into words that you don't feel sorry for yourself. I am going thru a similar situation at 52. On Christmas sent "Merry Christmas" to some of my family members and although I got a reply back from ONE of them it was LATE in the day when Christmas was OVER...and I felt the same way...not sorry for myself but mad and sad.

Should I just give up on people altogether and concentrate on trying to follow my goals?

Well, not give up on people...but YES, follow your goals...be the best that you can be...you deserve to have fullfillment in life even thou it doesn't feel like you have ANY support. As life goes on you will meet people that will become friends or lovers and always care...and you can't put your life on hold while you wait for some companionship in your life....

How can I keep letting people into my life when it leaves me feeling like this? I felt better when my phone was off, I really thought when I turned it on I would see a message from some of these people, and I would know they cared.

You say you felt better when your phone was off...I understand that. I turned mine off on Christmas and kept looking at it and thinking "who cares, lol no-one cares that my phone is off" and I was able to move on with my day and try and focus on other things rather than my phone...I kept telling myself (I have to contiualy tell myself this) that I am a good person - like you are and it it THEIR FRIGIN LOSS.

I do know how you feel as I said I ws going thru a similar situation. It is very disheartening but we have to keep going because we deserve happiness...and I have learned that if I tell people that they are hurting me...sometimes that makes things better. I will be seeing one of those people today that did not text me back on X-mas and I will tell them I was sad....too.

You are not alone....I just want you to know that.

Phone lines go both ways. Perhaps they are waiting for you to reach out to them. Do you do that? I mean, you cut off contact with them. Seems like it is in your court to reestablish lines of communication, not the other way around.

[LeeeLeee]

I have to agree with much of what S4ndm4n pointed out. Communication is a two way street, Pinnocchio! These days we meet people where they are and it sounds like you have the ability to show up for life despite knowing you're very anxious. It's great that you are working through these feelings because many people can't even recognize their own challenges. I hope we can offer you some reassurance that you are cared about even if people don't check in as much as you would like them to.

I'd like to offer my take on this:

Your anxiety is on a cycle of self affirming and self fulfilling prophecy keeping you on the hunt for signs and clues that people don't value you. But isn't it unreliable to seek proof of love based on the unpredictable phone habits of humans? Just for some perspective: You didn't check in with people during your rough patch. Did this mean you don't care? Did this mean you don't value any of your connections? I don't think it has much meaning at all. Is your own love and affection measurable by the number of texts you send?

If you desire more connection, and people to check in with you, check in with others. It's time to reach out beyond that comfort zone and be the change you wish to see in your life.

Big hugs!!! You can do it!

Sincerely, Lele

[Fuzzybear]

[Pinocchio46]

Hello everyone, thank you for your messages. Seeing the response has been helpful for me, truly.

I feel like what bothered me so much about what happened, was the fact that I honestly thought when I turned on my phone I would see that there were people who cared about me. I always previously questioned how much they did in my own mind, but I thought after six weeks there just had to be at least one message from the people I thought, and who claim to care about me. The fact it is the holiday’s made it especially tough, on Christmas you’re supposed to be around the people you love and who love you, and I just felt, and still feel so alone.

For all of my life I’ve never been someone with a lot of friends, I tend to forge strong relationships with a couple of people and then, I suppose life happens, school ends, they go to University stuff like that, you drift apart, I get that. In the past six months a friend who I had a really good relationship with got a girlfriend, and since then we’ve drifted apart more and more, despite my best efforts. What makes this worse is previously every time he needed me I would drop everything and be there. This general pattern is the same for all of the relationships I’ve ever really had. When I text these people now, since my phone is on I really feel those relationships are done, and I know that’s just me projecting my emotions into the situation, but when you text someone before for example, and they don’t respond, after nearly two months, how is that right for me to continue with these relationships going forwards? How can I allow myself to develop new friendships knowing they all seem to end like this?

I see some of you talking about if they saw my phone was off perhaps they are respecting my boundaries. But the truth is I don’t think any knew it was off; on whatsapp it says when someone was last online, but any message sent is just delivered as soon as they have a connection. So I got everything sent during that time. Some people I have talked to even told me they didn’t know my phone was off.

Of course part of me still wants relationships in my life, someone I can laugh with, talk about, just life. I’ve just always struggled with making friends, and now with this has just completely knocked my confidence. I don’t mean to ramble; I suppose I just have to get it off my chest.

Thank you all again.