don't even know what to call this post

my situation is so messed up. i've been off and on with my ex-husband for the past 10 years. he keeps telling me he must marry someone from his own culture, and when i back off he comes running for me and does everything i want him to. recently i've been poking him about having a baby, and then he can go ahead and marry whomever he wants, because at least that way i'll always have a piece of him with me. he gets really scared because, if you haven't already noticed, he's a commitment-phoebe. then he start doing things he knows will hurt me on purpose so i back off. one of those things is also talking about his future wife, who still doesn't exist. we are both getting close to 40 yrs old. i know the obvious question is - why the hell are you with him? and that's a fair question. we divorced many years ago and had our own relationships, but always found our way back to each other for different reasons each time. so far, the fact is that he has not been able to love another, and neither have I. I don't know why I'm like that, I wish I weren't, I would do anything to get out of this black hole, but i can't force myself to love someone else. i've tried so many times, and broken so many hearts in the process. i just can't do it anymore. i don't know what to do with myself. the future looks so .... hopeless

Have you considered going to an IVF clinic for sperm donation rather if you want a baby because you're nearing 40?

I say that because I think you need to cut ties with this guy. Your relationship doesn't seem to be serving your mental health very well

totally considered it, and I'd do it but now he is saying he still plans on having this non-existant future wife and prefers to only have kids with her, because of the cultural thing. the pattern is, at this point, i'll back off and leave him alone, and then he'll manipulate me and practically make me get back together with him, all the while holding on to this stupid fantasy of his.

It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. Maybe counseling would help you move on.

Yeah, maybe counseling would be helpful.. I don't think you're doing yourself a favor by keeping contact with him.. I'm sorry

thanks for responding and it's ok I would have the same advice, it's just so much easier said then done

we've had over 10 years together and he doesn't' want to let me go and neither do I want to be let go

has anyone out there had similar situations being in an unhealthy relationship that goes in circles? or had to put up with their partner's wishes of having another partner?

And I do believe that most men are, by nature, polygamous. And because of the stigma attached to that they carry on their business in the form of an affair, which is just as damaging.

I know there are exceptions out there for sure, but there's no guarantees that you'll meet one of them and live happily ever after.

First of all I would like to say I don't believe most men are polygamous, I do however believe that not all relationships are supposed to last forever. People change and grow and they don't always want the same things, but rather than admit it's done and let it go. Grieve and the move on they carry on trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, usually damaging themselves in the process.

Also not to be judgemental, but after 10 years of singing back and forth, is this a healthy example of a relationship to bring a child up in?

You sound an intelligent woman so I believe you know this situation only persists because you allow it. If you are content with the status quo, by all means carry on.

If you want an equal, loving committed relationship with a man who wants to raise his child as a family, maybe addressing the why you feel it's ok to be this man's rebound.He has no treason to treat you better, when he can get what he wants without changing.

I would be uncomfortable not knowing what he had been doing while we are apart, and worry about the risk of catching an sti.

I hope you find contentment and happiness regardless of what you choose to do. Do think carefully about what your relationship will look like to your son or daughter and what it will teach them about relationships.

Hi girlfriend4241! I just wanted to say that it must be very hard for you to face the reality of your current relationship. I am very sorry you are going through this. I hope you get a lot of supportive replies, this place has the best people with the wealth of personal experience, and hopefully they will come around to help you see your situation in the different light.

This is excellent feedback, thank you!

You're right people grow and change, like the seasons, and I also feel people should take that into consideration before pronouncing a marriage oath. The reason I did this song and dance for the last 10 yrs was because I wanted to honour the oath that I took. Also, I did try dating others and was miserable, longing for my ex the whole time. I truly am happier when I'm with him, which is why I put myself through this absurdity.

I agree the most with this part of your response - He has no reason to treat you better, when he can get what he wants without changing.

You are so bang on. Although it took all the strength I had, it was only the times when I walked away that he came back a new and improved version. I'm scared if I do it again, he won't come back, and I'll return to the miserable state I was in without him.

I agree this is not the ideal situation to bring up a child, but it feels like the only alternative would be to grow old and alone while he is off with his new bride and child, while all I have are memories of my happiest days being with him while he was acting more sane.

What about the possibility that there might be someone else out there for you, someone else who wants to start a family and who would be more available and loving than your ex?

You could be the one happy with your own little family while your ex is the one who is left with the memories of what he could have had.

Just thought I'd update you all on an interesting turn of events. Days after my 'partner' cut me off because he was getting nervous about all the baby-talk, i learned i was pregnant.
I was extremely happy, but at the same time it seemed my ex was taking on a new direction. I thought, since the first trimester has the highest chance of miscarriage, I'll wait it out before I tell him anything, in case it's not even necessary. After 8 weeks and one ultrasound, with everything going so well, I couldn't handle this being my own secret anymore. So I told him; his reaction led me to get an abortion.
I wanted his baby so much for so long, but then he threatened to cut me off from himself and his family, leaving me completely alone to take on this child while he goes off and finds a new bride. If I went through with the pregnancy, I'd be hearing about my foolishness every day for the rest of my life from my own family, with no one to back me up.
And don't get me wrong - I don't want to go back to him. Unfortunately I think this is what I needed to finally cut him off. I never realized how cold and selfish he could be, especially towards something he produced with me out of love. How can I knowingly bring a child into that situation? I can't go through with it.
I'm so disappointed in myself for not seeing this outcome sooner. I come from a divorced home I know what it's like. I can't put another child through that. This baby's main purpose would be to ease my pain and loneliness, which isn't fair to anyone.

That must be really difficult to be in your situation. Maybe this will be the impetus you need to move on from the failed relationship.