Am I the problem?

I posted this on the new member thread/introduction thread and am realizing I probably should have posted it here. So....

I need help...I think. Its a long convoluted story, but I will try to keep it short. I know I won't even begin to address all of the issues and problems but I will certainly try.

My spouse tells me regularly I'm messed up in the head and I need to fix myself. I know I have issues, doesn't everybody, but he insists that at least within our realationship I am the only one with issues and I need help.

I grew up with a complete control freak and very cruel mother. This lead to years of lying and hiding just so I wouldnt get into trouble. I completely avoid conflict at all costs and will lie and hide whatever I can to not get into trouble. My dad was great but wasnt in the picture, so I of course looked to other men and sex to help my self esteem, which to this day absolutely is in the tank.

I met my husband 14 years ago and did not share with him about my sordid past until a year into our relationship. He has spent the better part of our relationship holding my past against me, including calling me some prettty disgusting names because of it. It also made him not trust me in anyway (obviously) and get crazy upset if I ever had to work with other men and do anything extra for my job. To this day he makes it impossible for me to do my job, so I have lied and hid things I am doing for work, so I dont get fired and so I dont get into trouble with him...conflict avoidance yet again.

He can say some very mean and cruel things, but he insists he wouldnt say them if I didn't pick my job first, lie or hide things from him etc. All of this led to me having an emotional affair with some physical contact (shoulder massages). My husband insists it was a sexual affair and refuses to believe otherwise. I even passed a lie detector test proving I didn't but he still refuses to believe, still accuses me of it all the time.

I don't even know where to go from here. We fight constantly, and not just little fights. He tells me how terrible I am and lists out all of the awful things I have done to him, on a regular basis. He gets mad at me for going to a meeting if there are men there and if I sit across from a man at the meeting all hell breaks loose. I am in no way even allowed to speak to other men.

Besides the constant name calling and being berated, he punishes me by going out to bars and hanging out with other people, including women, all the time. He too had an emotional affair but says it was ok because I pushed him to it and its my fault it happened and I just have to get over it.

I do love him, I do want to be with him, when things are going good our relationship is great, I just cannot figure out if the problem is all me and what exactly my problem is. I know I avoid conflict, I know I go to extremes and as soon as we start fighting I assume we are getting divorced (he's threatened me with that a few thousand times), I know I have a problem with lying and hiding things with my job to him (really I have gotten over this for the most part, despite the fact he freaks out any time I have to go to anything), I just cant figure out what my mental problem is and even where to begin to fix it.

This doesn't even begin to address all of the craziness, all of the things said, all of the things done, but its a start. Do I have a mental problem/personality problem? I feel like he does but is that just me being in denial and part of my problem?

Any suggestions or help would be appreciated!

of course it's not all your fault, no matter how flat you make a pancake it always has 2 sides, if he is controlling, abusive and jealous, that's HIS problem, not yours, therapy might help, might be something to consider

What do you love about him?

I would call it abuse.

I feel like he does too.

Yet

I am having trouble seeing when the relationship can be great if you have big fights constantly.

I agree with turtleboy and I wonder if you have been in therapy.

Ive had a couple counselors, one was good but she got cancer, one started teaching me to have a back bone and my husband accused me of screwing him, then I had an online counselor who also was teaching me stand up for myself and made that miserable because she said basically he's the one that needs counseling. He refuses to do counseling with me "because he doesn't have a problem, in the only one with a problem." I have considered it abuse and told him so and he says my lies and hiding things for my job are more abusive. Not sure if I agree or not. My original post should have said we fight constantly when I'm working, if I'm off work, which I do have a lot of time off, we get along great. My job is the catalyst of all of our fights. He is disabled and can't work so I don't have a choice but to work.

He sounds a bit abusive to me.

If you had a good friend who was being abused, would you blame her for being abused? Would you tell her that it's her fault that her husband cheats? No, you wouldn't.

In any relationship, when things go wrong there are things that both parties could do better. However, if one party blames the other and takes no responsibility, then there's not much you can do. Both people need to be willing to work on the relationship. You could be practically perfect and he'd still be blaming others for his bad behavior.

It's very simple, you confessed your sins and he CHOSE to stay. He does not get to then use your past as a stick to beat you with.
He is being abusive.
You definitely need help, but his behaviour is triggering yours. It's hard to undo a lifetime of learned behaviour.
He also needs help to stop his abusive behaviour.
It will take ALOT of work in couples therapy to fix this, if you really think it's worth it. If he doesn't agree to go then that tells you pretty much everything you need to know about wether he actually wants to resolve things or just likes to keep emotionally torturing you.
All the best, I hope you find the strength to make the right choices for yourself.

Luke, It sounds like you are dealing with the effects of emotional abuse from your husband. Holding stuff like your past over your head is not ok. I don't care if you were dealing with things, or are. I think you feel crazy bc your husband is not taking any responsibility for his revolting actions towards you. If you want it to work, try marriage therapy. The fact that he thinks he does nothing wrong is very concerning though. He sounds like he has his own issues that he is not aware of. He would probably hate himself if he admitted it. That's not what taking responsibility for ourselves is about though. It's still not ok either. He is being abusive toward you and it's not ok. I mean, calling you names? That's classic abuse. I don't care if it rings true or not, that's even worse of him.

He is not worth you time or energy. Get out before he is able to hurt you more. Tho on your end..I understand he has not made it easy, but in general you gotta stop lying and hiding stuff even a good person would become resentful and mistrustful if they feel like their partner is lying and hiding stuff. And it's very hard to regain trust once it's Been broken.

OK I reread this and I am seeing things a bit differently now.
Do I condone his behavior? No.
Is this a toxic relationship? Yes
Should you leave? I'm gonna say yes because you are unhappy and it seems like your relationship has gone past the point of no return.
But is it your fault?...Yes and No....also can't accurately say as don't have all the facts.
Abuse is NOT your fault. and hasn't gotten any better by this time is unlikely to change. To that point he is most definitely at fault for his treatment of you. Nobody deserves this.
You admit to fessing up to your mistakes and issues. And he chose to stay to forgive...but it is easy to say you forgive someone you love...harder to get to the point of full forgiveness.
My point is this: You did wrong..you have your reasons and justifications..you admitted to your faults and mistakes..he loves/d you so..he decided to (try) forgive you. This is only the first step of forgiveness. Most relationships get here...but what happens next is key!... When you fond out thst someone you trusted lied to you, hid stuff from you..this obviously is going to cause mistrust and all the horrible feelings that go along with it.
If he wasn't verbally or emotionally abusive before you told him this..then it is unlikely that he was purposefully or maliciously using it against you.
What did you do next? Do you feel like you truly did everything possible to regain his trust and understand that some residual anger/hurt on his part was normal? In the days and months following how did you respond to his feelings? Did you get defensive? or did you go spineless and just take it either with silence or begging and groveling?..Or did you truly make an effort to work through it WITH him from an honest place of love...not just personal redemption?
There is a give and take that needs to occur at this stage....
Not all people process things the same or at the same rate...
Communication styles different as well...
If you are the one who caused the break in trust then it more heavily relies on you to do the majority of the heavy lifting to try to repair that trust.
First off..Never assume another is automatically going to be able to really know what they need in order to put the past behind fully; much less be able to clearly express this...
As the initial wrongdoer. ...it is your job to be patient, kind , understanding, and initiate open communication in a very clear way. Ask them if they are ok?...well a lot of people will automatically answer fine...even when not.
So you have to be clearer..
You have a conversation. It's called GIVE.
Gentle manner
Interested and in tuned body language/listening skills
Validating feelings concerns and needs of others
Expressing your understanding and your concerns and needs as well...
Then you let them know what you are willing to do to preserve the relationship and what you need from them to help you fix the problem together.
And then you do everything in your power to actually do it!
But you hold them to their end as well.

I wish I could say I am this skillful, but no just schooled in DBT..not anywhere near the point of mastery.

Progress maybe slower than you would like but as long as there is progress you keep your word and keep communicating...

If you feel that to the best of your ability that in the aftermath you gave it your true best effort and as skillfully as possible from a true place of love have him every opportunity to do the same...and he just couldn't get past it. Well then at that point you could say you were no longer at fault...then it is his problem and he is now at fault for not holding up his end.

The notion that he drove you to go outside the bounds of your relationship...I'm sorry but that is ridiculous.

You control your actions!! Even if he is not controlling his own....he has his issues you have yours. He was not able to see or accept his issues and it was at the point where you couldn't take anymore. Then YOU LEAVE!!..even if just for a bit of breathing room and contemplation....

My assessment BOTH parties are guilty of not being COMPLETELY HONEST WITH SELF OR THEIR PARTNER.

Now I am aware that I just gave you a bit of a harsh lashing...Please do not misunderstand! I am not taking his side or saying he is In ANY WAY JUSTIFIED IN HIS TREATMENT OF YOU!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!...I don't not know if he is truly just an abusive person by nature....or just needs to do some more introspective work on himself before he is mature enough to be in a healthy relationship...But ABUSE is ABUSE. He had no right to EVER treat you that way.

But going forward, you also appear to have a lot of introspective work to do on yourself before you are ready to be in a healthy relationship as well.
I spent years banging my head off a wall trying to figure out any and every possible way to get through to someone who was not able to admit, accept, or even give more than a few days showing of effort to help repair and strengthen our relationship. And I am no where near perfect...I got issues all over the place...and like your relationship you the end it was nothing but arguing.. complete stand still...I allowed him to make me believe I was completely unfounded in my feeling and just psych crazy woman...and I know the deep scars that leaves and how whether or not the others intentions were malicious or just shortsightedly selfish...that you get to the point where the their view of you becomes your reality...and you look at the way you acted and feel like the worst person ever..because you realise that you are behaving exactly how they conditioned you to behave. ..I'm in a similar place as you right now...hopefully we both will be able to break the cycle and truly heal and thrive
~S♡☆(lost)

I don't know and can't say for sure because I'm not a trained therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist but it seems to be that your husband is the one that needs mental help.

Yes, it seems that you did have a minor little thing with some other guy based on what you wrote and without knowing the full story I can't say if you were justified in what you did or not. But, the punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime.

The past is the past and if he can't accept that then you need to move on. He shouldn't keep using it to beat you over the head.

This sounds so much like other people I've known and I'm going to give you the same advice I gave them, "Freedom is spelt D-I-V-O-R-C-E!"