Issues with mother and sister (as an adult)

Hi,
I have issues with my mother and sister and its very painful. I am 37, my sister is 38, my mother is 72.
my mother divorced my father when I was around 3. I don't ever remember living with my father and mother together.
Anyway, my mother always preferred my sister, maybe saw more in her??? I don't know exactly how to explain it.
I grew up knowing this but my mother, probably feeling bad would placate me and tell me she loved me very much. As a teen, my mother would hit me in the face but never my sister. She would ALWAYS take my sister's side in a fight. and still does. They are now to this day like one. I am glad that they are close and they each have someone in a time of need and esp since my mother is older i'm glad my sister is close, however, whenever I am with them...they act snobby like they are above me. My sister kind of always looked at herself as better than me and so has my mother.
I have horrible self esteem, never really had a built self esteem because of this.. I have been I therapy and my therapist has been the only one to tell me my ssister is not better than me...this is not a competition to me. I do not want to compete with my sister.
I love my sister, I love my mother. I am just hurt inside...
I have been kind to them, I have tried to talk to them..i have cut out contact with them twice for long periods of time..
I cannot for the life of me get them to respect me or look at me as a person .and they constantly want to place me beneath them.
It has lead me to the bottle many times ... i have reckless behaviors in my past and i believe this is a part of it...
when people hurt me, i usually like to forgive them and forget about it and get over it...a charming quality in my opinion yet people trash that and take advantage to keep hurting me....so i cut them out and taught them to stop treating me bad....i started again and slowly but surely they are doing the same behaviours...i'm angry at them... they try to control my feelings and say i should/should not feel this way....its such a long story and complicated...what do i do....i feel like i need to move far away from them

I'm not always kind either...i have cursed them out and told them off tooo.. still no change..i can't get them to see my side and understand...its painful and i feel like they will always put me below them...i feel its harmful to me should i cut off contact again

Hi Angel_Davis,

I feel some of this could be my own story. It mattered not what I did, what I accomplished, and how successful others viewed me my own mother always treated my ne'er-do-well brother as the light of her eye. My brother right into adulthood played into this to his advantage. Too many examples far too long for me to tell. I lost my mom before I was ever able to get her to see me for who I was, to see my life, to see me. Unfortunately I wasted many years trying to make her see this when instead I should have moved on.

Are you able to move on? Physically? Emotionally?

Hi, Thanks for your answer. I can move on but I don't have good reason right now to break off contact, especially with sister since its very subtle at this point.. I have tried to be honest with them but always afraid to say the truth....I think they know it and obviousy don't want to stop...I don't know maybe now not a good time..but eventually..i don't hate them but I cant really deal with this anymore unless it stops and I don't think it will

I'm really sorry. When you say "reason" what do you mean? An excuse to get away? Because the fact that you feel so hurt by all of this seems like a pretty good reason to me..

I came to the board today because of family stress from a step parent and 'golden child' step sibling. It's the same for me. I can do no right no matter how hard I've tried. They do no wrong no matter what they do. I'm the scapegoat, chosen to take all the family's sins on my shoulders and sent off to the wilderness - until they want something. I'm 37 too, so this isn't a new issue.

I get it. It hurts - bad. It is confusing. It makes you question everything about yourself. Every action. Everything you've ever said, not said, done,, not done. And it never gets answered. At least not for me. It's just the way it is.

I just want to scream at them, "why can't you just accept me the way I am?" But I know that even if I did, they would never even acknowledge my words. It's like talking to a wall. They can't, or won't, comprehend.

Sometimes I think people must base their relationship on degrading others because they can't actually look at their own issues. They can't be objective or self-assess. They project project project. It's really quite sad that adults have to hurt others to feel good about themselves. A pathetic way to live life.

I've been trying to figure out what to do. Do I keep trying? Do I just give up and admit that their behavior is toxic, emotionally abusive, and that I need to let go of them? Exposure just leaves me suffering. I'm drowned in all those old feelings of guilt, anger, hurt, rejection... Sometimes for weeks after exposure to them. For years. It's horrible.

And I'm not that girl who tried so hard to please them anymore. I'm not desperate for their love, approval, and validation anymore because I know I'll never have it. I could sprout wings and a halo and they would call it frumpy or kitcshy.

I wish I knew what to do. I have no sage advice. I only know that I've struggled with self esteem, depression, and ostracism enough. I am no one's willing punching bag. So if they can't treat me with respect then I won't play their game. I won't shoot back at them, but I won't stand in the line of fire anymore either. I. Am. Done. Period. Now how to explain that so they don't make me lose my relationship with my father? I'm afraid it's an all or nothing deal.

Forgiveness is something I've worked on a lot too. It's hard and it's an ongoing process. But it may be the most valuable thing you can do for them, but mostly for yourself.

Hi Thanks for the answers/support

@Pandora I know what you mean, I can't shoot back either, I don't want/need hate in my life, just don't want to be around it...
I don't need their love/approval either but it is still painful, Ill go through guilt, sadness, i'll still wonder if I was wrong, if maybe by chance they didn't MEAN to hurt me, things like that...I also have felt like a coward for not contacting them, i'll go through feeling like that too..so many feelings...i'm pretty sure I can disconnect but I don't know how I will deal with it emotionally

So many feelings of self-doubt too like I could be wrong omg what if I am wrong etc....

anyway good luck to everyone going through this

Angel_Davis,

Sometimes you have to consider the kind of relationship you are able to have with these people and temper your expectations based on that. Your mother and sister are toxic to you and your mental health. I'm not saying cut off contact, but temper your expectations to the kind of support they can provide. Try not to rely on them for emotional support. Put yourself on "medium chill" mode when you are around them and don't pay any mind to the things they say. Have visits with them, but have them be a set amount of time, and only stay that long. Don't put yourself through long visits with them. Develop your "family" with other people you know.

Good luck,
seesaw

@seesaw how do I get to a point where what they say doesnt matter? is there a process to that