[Nickiskip]

I started dating a guy 4-20-2016 and everything was great until major depression hit me in September. Between the depression and the Lexapro I had to attraction to him at all or anyone for that matter. I loved him dearly and I tried my hardest to make things work. He traveled for work which really didn't bother me and actually was a good thing for us. He decided after traveling for awhile to quit his job because it wasn't really accessible for him (he's in a wheel chair). By happenstance his brother before he left had said he couldn't stay with him anymore and he was staying with me. We were planning a wedding and everything. I have this issue where I can't have people live with me because I always see it as my space and the stress of him being there and the depression and trying to take care of my 3 children was too much. By mid November I had broken the engagement and broke up with him. I tried my hardest to explain what I was feeling and what I was going through and that it wasn't permanent. I needed time to fix myself before I could really see if how I was feeling was the mood or the truth. He claimed to understand. I'd check up on him, and he wouldn't answer my calls. His messages through Facebook were very short. I hadn't even told people we'd broken up but he'd jumped at the change to tell people and say that our relationship crashed and burned. It hurt because this was someone who proposed to me as I was hysterically crying over being a hoarder and being a complete mess. Then to see him describe the end of our relationship as a crash and burn hurt even more. I keep trying to tell myself that someone who didn't even bother to see if I was okay or what was going on with me was not worth my time but I really loved him. I still do. Was I wrong for the way that I handled things? Our relationship before the depression wasn't perfect but we worked through it. I feel betrayed because he was always telling me that his family just came out and said things and when I did. I feel like he stopped hearing me beyond lets break up.

[gayleggg]

He was obviously very hurt by your break up. I think he was just lashing out because of this. I know what it's like to push away someone you love. Please take care of yourself.

[areenhaque26]

Quick question when did he quit his job? I'm asking this because if the engagement got broken off during the same time that he decided to quit his job then he's not mad at you he's mad at the situation that he is in. To him it's like everything that could be bad in the world is happening to him. Maybe he's in an emotional turmoil and he doesn't know how to deal with it so he's taking it out on you. I know that doesn't help but have you heard the saying "we only get mad at the people we love"? I think that's because subconsciously we want them to console us. He may be distant and telling people things but I would say don't give up. Don't try to get him to see your point of view but rather act like nothing happened and just have casual conversations with him. He might need to know that you'll be there for him. If it helps just start off with simple hellos and just ask about his day and in the meantime do what you need to do to deal with the issues your dealing with. Your both in a situation that only you can get yourself out of. Think of this time as a reset period. I wish you all the best

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry for what happened.. have you tried to explain the situation to him again? It doesn't look like he really got it.. if he still doesn't understand, or doesn't accept it, then.. it's time to move on, as he's clearly not worth your time.

Good luck

[Fuzzybear]

I think that is the third major change in his life....first the end of his job (even if it was his decision), second his brother saying he couldn't live with him anymore, and third you backing away from the relationship.

This seems like three major losses. Its hard enough for someone to go through one loss, maybe the end of a job or changing living arrangements or their partner needing space, but when all three happen at once, it just seems like it would be too much to take.

I am not blaming you in the least, but I think that perhaps you weren't there when he needed you the most, and that was sort of the point where he just said "enough is enough" and shut himself off from you completely.

Again, I'm not blaming you as its not your fault. You are struggling to manage your own health issues. I think it might be a matter of really crappy timing for all of this to happen so close together.

Could you try talking to him and explaining more about why you did the things you did and that you didn't want to push him away completely?

[Nickiskip]

I never thought about it that way. I couldn't see it that way at the time that he had also went through some major changes and losses. I guess I can see where it would be really crappy timing. I cut him off on Christmas and haven't spoken to him since. The most that I can do at this point is apologize for everything and leave it at that I guess. I don't really have the strength to fight anymore for any relationship. Been taken advantage of so much I'm a mess in relationships. Thank you everyone for helping me to step outside of my own feelings and thoughts and see it possibly from his perspective. Sometimes I just don't see things.

Its never too late...

I know you say you don't have the strength to fight for this relationship, but you can indeed leave things on a positive note by contacting him and explaining what happened. I think that could go a long way in his healing and yours as well, even if it doesn't result in you two getting back together. I think its best when relationships can end on a "better" note when at all possible. Hugs.

I have mental health issues myself and I push people away a LOT.

Love doesn't conquer all. Its very much possible to walk away from someone that you love very much.

And when you throw in the struggles of mental illness, that just complicates it all.

AND YES, I do indeed break up with people because I'm TOO STRESSED! (I have a stress disorder....)

(Please stop judging those of us with mental health issues. Its really not being supportive, especially on a forum like this one. The OP came here for support, not to be judged. You may not agree with how she handled things, but don't judge her from an outside stance where you have no idea what its like to be drowning in your own disorder and can't (literally can NOT) help anyone else. Thank you.)

[s4ndm4n2006]

I think that expecting him to hang on by a string isn't fair to him. It's not that you told him the whole truth from the beginning. You find it unfair that he said it "crashed and burned" but did you give him reason to think anything else? I'm not saying this to be mean but to be honest. here is how I see it. You didn't ask for time, you didn't say you needed a short break to work through things etc.

On the one hand you speak ask if you knew this could be part of the depression phase you're in, but you didn't explain that first and allow him to work with you on getting space and time to work through it. You broke off the engagement and the relationship. There is a certain finality to a break up. I am going to assume that your words that you used implied a permanent break up at the time you said it. Please don't be angry with him for respecting your desire to break up. If anything he did the honorable thing in expecting respecting your wishes and letting you go.

I know that things were probably confusing for you and I can even understand rushing to the point of breaking up in the heat of the moment but, in truth, it was handled badly. What you probably needed, as I already said was space and time, but you cut that short by breaking up. he is probably broken hearted. He is also in a wheelchair so more than likely suffers from self esteem issues as it is. This may have been more devastating than you understand it to be.

I don't know if there is a way to get this guy back but I am guessing if he's a good guy and the one for you that trying to talk to him and making him understand that you made a mistake in how you handled the situation would be a good idea. despite what some people think, I do believe most people have a forgiving side, especially for those they are in love with. I think there is hope

[Trippin2.0]

To the OP
I agree with writing to him and clarifying your side.
At worst you both have closure, at best a window opens.

Just don't do it with any expectations attached.

A few years ago I sent my ex a similar email, except I not only apologized, but explained that I understood why HE LEFT ME (my badly managed MI was bleeding him dry) and that I was glad he had the good sense and self love to save himself.

He replied with "see you in 20 minutes" and we've been inseparable ever since.

Point is, I wasn't expecting anything. A year had already passes and idk, I finally "got it" and I wanted him to know, and luckily that lead to something better than closure.

[Nickiskip]

I messaged him on Facebook and apologized for how things ended. I feel that the chapter has been closed but I am okay with that. At the end of the day he wished me and the children well as I continued to work on myself. I'm happy for that response. I feel as though I have closure, as I was able to let him know exactly what was going on with me. I didn't make excuses. I just apologized. Maybe one day he and I will be friends again but for now I'm glad we have the see you later between us. Thank you everyone for helping me to see the error in my thinking. :-)

I think you did an awesome thing and you should be proud of yourself!

Nobody knows what the future holds, but at least there is an open door to friendship.

Hugs.