[Misssy2]

My son had a major seizure 2 weeks ago...and lost his apartment.
He lost it because the girl he lived with is afraid to find him dead as she is the one who found him unresponsive with eyes rolling in back of head and foaming at mouth.

My son is 27. My boyfriend has lived here for 3 years and has not worked or contributed to household. I have been OVER IT for at least 2 of these years.

He makes all of my bipolar and anxiety symptoms worse and I have been so worried about fighting with him in front of my son.

Also, he has a crack habit. I smoke pot which he says I'm a druggie too which I think is much different.

I was out shoveling MOUNT EVERST yesterday due to a blizzard and my son having to get up at 5am to go to work today. My son offered to help but because of his weakened condition I said no...(weak because he hasn't eaten much because he almost bit his tongue off during seizure and he is back at work too early but his choice). I said NO to him helping me.

My boyfriend was sleeping off a crack high from the night before and he came to the door while I was shoveling concentrating on my sons car and he was mocking me, telling me to make sure I got the front of his car...and I had been in the garage getting ready and he was yelling "where are you" your not shoveling..bla..bla...(so I come out and tell him to stop harassing me because if he said one more word to me I was having the police come and remove him)...

previous to him mocking me with the snow he had come into the living room while I was resting from cooking a chicken dinner and crocheting and starts calling me by my last name - being very disrespectful to me.

I called him a douche..he started yelling and being more of a douche.
This is prior to me shoveling...

I know my son heard the fight and I was grateful that he came up about 10 minutes later just to chat with me (probably see my demeanor)...YES, couples fight but I feel this guy has crossed the line.

I have a tendency to forgive people too easily. I do not think that he deserves. I have no respect for him at all....What does he have to do to make it up to me? I feel he should apologize to ME and my SON.

What if his mother was being verbally abused by someone would he like it? He had no place to disrespect me and I feel it was all out of guilt for laying around all day..this guy frigin sleeps from day to night...He was pissed off that I was not giving him money for crack yesterday because he hinted to it first thing in the am.and I told him he might as well sleep because i wasn't giving it to him.

Its not easy to have him removed either....I have tried. I feel sorry for someone who stays with someone when they are blatanly told they need to leave.

I really feel I could skip my anxiety meds MOST of the time if he wasn't here.
I feel my mood swings would improve.
I feel like I want something bad to happen to him (and that is totally NOT my personality).
I feel like he has changed me into someone I don't want to be.
I want this to end.
I'm up at 530 because I'm soooo pissed off.

[seesaw]

Why can't you kick him out? Or give him notice of eviction?

I know this might be a tough solution, but what if you move, and don't let him come along to the new place? Do you rent or own your home?

I'm sorry you are dealing with someone who is clearly using you. That must be very difficult in a number of ways.

Seesaw

[Crazy Hitch]

I hate to ask ... but why are you still with this absolute jerk?

He's a mooch and is sponging off you.

[eyesclosed]

Hi Missy there has to be a reason u still like this guy. Free crack food shelter he smokes dope too I would guess and drinks probably takes some of your pills. Does he have good connections for weed, maybe he knows how to please you in other ways . he has income by other means looking down the road ten years how do u picture the outcome of your family.

[~Christina]

Better to be alone than allow someone destroy you and live in a hellish relationship.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Why can't you kick him out? Or give him notice of eviction?

I know this might be a tough solution, but what if you move, and don't let him come along to the new place? Do you rent or own your home?

I'm sorry you are dealing with someone who is clearly using you. That must be very difficult in a number of ways.

Seesaw

I did look into eviction and it will cost me 800 dollars...and I'm pissed that i have to pay more to get him out and really can't afford it.

(I thought you blocked me

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by eyesclosed

Hi Missy there has to be a reason u still like this guy. Free crack food shelter he smokes dope too I would guess and drinks probably takes some of your pills. Does he have good connections for weed, maybe he knows how to please you in other ways . he has income by other means looking down the road ten years how do u picture the outcome of your family.

Thats the thing eyesclosed..I can't think of one reason why I still like this guy. NOT ONE. I can get my own weed, he doesn't take any of my pills and yes he drinks..and I am an alcoholic who is not drinking. IHMFL

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I hate to ask ... but why are you still with this absolute jerk?

He's a mooch and is sponging off you.

I hate to admit it but YES>

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Better to be alone than allow someone destroy you and live in a hellish relationship.

Totally agree with you. I left a 22 year bad relationship.
And I was happier alone.
I don't like making people homeless..and scared because I once was when my parents kicked me out and I get it...I keep waiting for him to land a job and get out on his own.

[Rose76]

He's not seriously looking for a job. Either pay the $800 and get him out, or move out yourself. This situation will not improve.

Your son is not the main factor in any of this. Don't make this about your son. End the relationship because it is beyond ridiculous to remain in it.

I know it can feel awful to sever ties with someone, fearing the person will become homeless. (I've been there and done that. It's like emotional blackmail.)

Your son can just ignore your boyfriend. Forget the apologies. Ask yourself why you are with this guy? What would the $800 pay for.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by Rose76

He's not seriously looking for a job. Either pay the $800 and get him out, or move out yourself. This situation will not improve.

Your son is not the main factor in any of this. Don't make this about your son. End the relationship because it is beyond ridiculous to remain in it.

I know it can feel awful to sever ties with someone, fearing the person will become homeless. (I've been there and done that. It's like emotional blackmail.)

Your son can just ignore your boyfriend. Forget the apologies. Ask yourself why you are with this guy? What would the $800 pay for.

Hi ROSE..yes this IS BEYOND Ridiculous.
The 800 is to ensure he gets evicted properly by a lawyer.
I don't know why they told me I have to do it this way when He hasn't paid a dime here in 3 years and there is no lease. I own the home and took him in as a boyfriend. Another bad mistake.

[Rose76]

I don't see how you need to "evict" him, when he's not your tenant. All a lawyer can do is type up a fancy letter saying, essentially, "Get out." You'll still probably need local law enforcement to enforce your "notice to vacate."

You're not just now, after 3 years, finding out that this guy is an obnoxious loser. You've created a dependency by letting him hang around so long. Keep in mind he's using illegal drugs, probably bringing them into your home.

You've kept him there probably because you became lonely living by yourself. Now, with your son there, you have another source of company, so you don't feel such a need for the boyfriend.

It is hard to throw someone into the street. He'ld probably claim you invited him to stay there in exchange for him doing some work for you. Over the course of 3 years, he probably has done a project, or two, around the place.

You can give him a written letter telling him that you withdraw your permission to let him stay and set a deadline for him to leave. He'll just stick around. so you'll need to go to the police station and file a written complaint against the guy. Then, you'll need to call the cops on him to pull him out. A lawyer isn't going to make any of this easier.

It's a tough situation to be in . . . morally. Wait for the Spring, if you like. but you're going to need to do it.

[seesaw]

Unfortunately, there are laws and he has established this place as his permanent residence, even without paying rent, he has rights. You could try to evict him with just a three day notice, but you may have to get a lawyer and police involved if he won't comply.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by Misssy2

Hi ROSE..yes this IS BEYOND Ridiculous.
The 800 is to ensure he gets evicted properly by a lawyer.
I don't know why they told me I have to do it this way when He hasn't paid a dime here in 3 years and there is no lease. I own the home and took him in as a boyfriend. Another bad mistake.

Pay the 800. It's a lot cheaper than the life you are living. There are laws protecting people living in a place----something to be aware of before you let anyone move into your house.
Sticking on this as some point you need to win only hurts you.
And, it does make me think you don't actually want him gone.
What is it you get from this relationship? (someone to blame? distraction from other problems? sometimes attention? the rush of anger?)

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I don't see how you need to "evict" him, when he's not your tenant. All a lawyer can do is type up a fancy letter saying, essentially, "Get out." You'll still probably need local law enforcement to enforce your "notice to vacate."

You're not just now, after 3 years, finding out that this guy is an obnoxious loser. You've created a dependency by letting him hang around so long. Keep in mind he's using illegal drugs, probably bringing them into your home.

You've kept him there probably because you became lonely living by yourself. Now, with your son there, you have another source of company, so you don't feel such a need for the boyfriend.

It is hard to throw someone into the street. He'ld probably claim you invited him to stay there in exchange for him doing some work for you. Over the course of 3 years, he probably has done a project, or two, around the place.

You can give him a written letter telling him that you withdraw your permission to let him stay and set a deadline for him to leave. He'll just stick around. so you'll need to go to the police station and file a written complaint against the guy. Then, you'll need to call the cops on him to pull him out. A lawyer isn't going to make any of this easier.

It's a tough situation to be in . . . morally. Wait for the Spring, if you like. but you're going to need to do it.

Everything you say is true and as SEESAW says he does have rights.
I can write the eviction myself and if he doesn't leave in specified time..than I do have to go pay and file with the court to have him removed by law enforcement.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Pay the 800. It's a lot cheaper than the life you are living. There are laws protecting people living in a place----something to be aware of before you let anyone move into your house.
Sticking on this as some point you need to win only hurts you.
And, it does make me think you don't actually want him gone.
What is it you get from this relationship? (someone to blame? distraction from other problems? sometimes attention? the rush of anger?)

I don't get much...except for the crappy things you mention in parenthesis....a couple things stuck out to me in this...he does projects ...yes, and that makes me feel guilty.

the anger rush...I do see in myself...needing dysfunction which is really disturbing to me.

[mama pajama]

I completely understand and you have my sympathy! I am in a very similar situation. Only it's my husband and he drinks alcohol within the first hour he wakes up till 1am. He is unemployed and will not work anyplace beneath him and I could go on. We have 6 year old triplets so that complicates throwing him out.

I would get him out of your place. You guys aren't married so no expensive messy divorce. He is not your sons father and your son is older so he would probably be extremely relieved if bf moved out. I bet the tension in the house is extremely high. Think about the $800 like a present for yourself and your son not for your bf. If you had dangerous black mold or a poisonous gas leaking in your house wouldn't you pay $800 to get rid of it for you and your sons health and peace of mind?

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by mama pajama

I completely understand and you have my sympathy! I am in a very similar situation. Only it's my husband and he drinks alcohol within the first hour he wakes up till 1am. He is unemployed and will not work anyplace beneath him and I could go on. We have 6 year old triplets so that complicates throwing him out.

I would get him out of your place. You guys aren't married so no expensive messy divorce. He is not your sons father and your son is older so he would probably be extremely relieved if bf moved out. I bet the tension in the house is extremely high. Think about the $800 like a present for yourself and your son not for your bf. If you had dangerous black mold or a poisonous gas leaking in your house wouldn't you pay $800 to get rid of it for you and your sons health and peace of mind?

All this advice is correct.
But it is all making my anxiety worse.
Today I haven't moved from a chair, I am just not able to cope with this any of it...my sons feelings, b/f feelings..I can't even deal with my feelings...its horrible.

My b/f is waiting for a call from a job, not that him having a job will change much about how my son feels..but my son has a job and at least for him if it is that bad for him..he knows I have money to do a downpayment on an apartment to help him..he is 27 and I have to go thru MY STUFF in MY TIME.

The reason I posted was because I have no one I can be completely honest with this about and I know and my therapist says all that you guys say...but she knows too...its not my time to do it yet...I can't emotionally do much.

[Rose76]

If your son doesn't like the atmosphere in your house, then that's a good incentive for him to reach an important developmental milestone: getting out on his own.

You can't afford to do a downpayment on an apartment for your son. That would not be "helping" him. At age 27, he can work and save up for that on his own. He needs to learn to take care of himself, so he doesn't end up like your boyfriend.

The money that you have is for you to hold onto for when you have an emergency. Your responsibility is to take care of you and maintain your house. Let boyfriend and son be responsible for themselves.

[mama pajama]

Originally Posted by Misssy2

All this advice is correct.
But it is all making my anxiety worse.
Today I haven't moved from a chair, I am just not able to cope with this any of it...my sons feelings, b/f feelings..I can't even deal with my feelings...its horrible.

My b/f is waiting for a call from a job, not that him having a job will change much about how my son feels..but my son has a job and at least for him if it is that bad for him..he knows I have money to do a downpayment on an apartment to help him..he is 27 and I have to go thru MY STUFF in MY TIME.

The reason I posted was because I have no one I can be completely honest with this about and I know and my therapist says all that you guys say...but she knows too...its not my time to do it yet...I can't emotionally do much.

I totally understand! My parents and friends are telling me to divorce my husband, even our therapist told me to see a lawyer! I just can't do it yet. So I completely sympathize! I was going to add more advice but didn't because of length.

So what I was also going to add was if you choose to stay with him, it would benefit greatly if you started focusing on yourself and not him. When I become resentful I try to stop the inner dialogue about what a *** he is as soon as possible. Ive read if you think about something for 17 seconds it's really hard to stop. It's like a small rock rolling down a hill that grows. Pretty soon it's a enormous boulder and it's impossible to stop.

I try to look at what I'm gaining from the negative situations. I have become a much stronger person who has grown so much from his constant absence or indifference with kids and house. If we split up I would be fine, he would not know what to do! I've become the breadwinner and can handle the financial issues pretty well. I know how to fix things I didn't know before. Every negative situation can have a positive effect if you look for it.

The greatest gift my husband has given me is I realized how much of a victim mentality I had. I still fight that but at least I'm not in denial about it. 6 months ago I had a client who was unhappy and extremely vocal about it. I realized that I wasn't upset or embarrassed at all. That would've ruined 3 days for me before and I had a great rest of the day. In fact I was giddy that I wasn't bothered! It was because of all of the work I've done on myself. I can't change another person, only myself so I try to really focus on self improvement more than changing him.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by mama pajama

I totally understand! My parents and friends are telling me to divorce my husband, even our therapist told me to see a lawyer! I just can't do it yet. So I completely sympathize! I was going to add more advice but didn't because of length.

So what I was also going to add was if you choose to stay with him, it would benefit greatly if you started focusing on yourself and not him. When I become resentful I try to stop the inner dialogue about what a *** he is as soon as possible. Ive read if you think about something for 17 seconds it's really hard to stop. It's like a small rock rolling down a hill that grows. Pretty soon it's a enormous boulder and it's impossible to stop.

I try to look at what I'm gaining from the negative situations. I have become a much stronger person who has grown so much from his constant absence or indifference with kids and house. If we split up I would be fine, he would not know what to do! I've become the breadwinner and can handle the financial issues pretty well. I know how to fix things I didn't know before. Every negative situation can have a positive effect if you look for it.

The greatest gift my husband has given me is I realized how much of a victim mentality I had. I still fight that but at least I'm not in denial about it. 6 months ago I had a client who was unhappy and extremely vocal about it. I realized that I wasn't upset or embarrassed at all. That would've ruined 3 days for me before and I had a great rest of the day. In fact I was giddy that I wasn't bothered! It was because of all of the work I've done on myself. I can't change another person, only myself so I try to really focus on self improvement more than changing him.

I really appreciate this feedback and everyone elses but I do appreciate yours because when someone is telling me stuff I already know it just dives me deeper into thinking I am weak..incapable of taking care of myself...Even thou I know they are all correct in what they say to me.

I am trying to work on myself and it is work in progress.
I also appreciate Rose saying my son can save and find a place because I don't know why the burden of making everyone happy is on me when no one is really making me happy at all.

I appreciate ALL of you and I am sorry that your family keeps telling you to divorce...pressure from family is also THE WORST...I hate being made to feel that every decision or action I do is WRONG. I try so hard to be kind to others and help others.

But, it IS time to help myself.

[Misssy2]

mama pajama...you said..I just can't do it yet.
And that is where I am at. I'm at the brink of doing it and it will take another push because I am in a better place today with him than I was the other day...but I know it will turn bad again..it always does...and I'm building my strength to deal with it.

[Rose76]

I've heard of women who want a divorce getting their husbands out of the house without having to pay anyone $800 to do it. I'm skeptical of all these claims that your boyfriend has "squatter's rights" to remain implanted in your home.

It may truly be just too hard for you to send him packing, while we're in the midst of winter. You can pick the time, and it doesn't have to be today or tomorrow. I doubt this guy signed a lease. So, in the Spring, give him a written notice to leave in a month. Then take him to court. That's if you still really want him gone. If the main issue is your son being unhappy, then son needs to solve that problem on his own. You are definitely taking onto your shoulders what is not your load to carry. These two grown men are both exploiting you.

Here's a link: https://www.rocketlawyer.com/article...ion-article.rl

Do some googling on your own.

[~Christina]

I ran into this about 15 years ago. Hellish boyfriend. I won't go into details ... But

I lived in Florida I did have to legally evict him , at the time they said ( police and county court )he infact had to legally have the process.

My case ? I had found out I had cancer and my focus was to remove him asap and he refused of course. Hella screaming I did at him and he yelled back, neighbors called the police , they show up , explain the legal situation but said it did not apply due to the rather loud argument and my safety. police stayed until he moved his things and warned him to stay after and I was to get a court order. I had a locksmith friend he showed up and changed the locks.

Just do whatever you have to that gets him outta your home.

[mama pajama]

Misssy2 I think you are biting off more than you can chew right now. You have anxiety and that alone can make something like climbing a hill feel like a mountain. I have had major anxiety for as long as I remember. 2 of my triplets are autistic and when they were non-verbal I remember sitting on the couch watching them on the floor thinking I should be working with them on the floor and I literally could not move, I hated myself and kept thinking "get on the floor you idiot and cure them NOW!" I finally took a Xanax which I hate to take but afterwards I finally got on the floor and played. I didn't cure them of course but I did something. It took so much out of me just thinking of I need to cure them right now rather than giving myself a 2 minute floor time goal which might've become longer or might not have. Taking that first step is the hardest but the feeling of accomplishment is worth it.

Im guessing you are overwhelmed and are feeling powerless. That is a really awful state and hard to climb out of. You need to take baby steps, not even regarding kicking bf out either. You need to somehow feel a little better step by step before tackling the bf issue. trying to go from feeling overwhelmed to even joy is impossible. It's like trying to climb out of quicksand and running a marathon! You will end up feeling worse in the end and probably won't get the results you want anyway.

I started doing that by watching spiritual growth, motivational videos on YouTube. I started with Teal Swan and currently I adore Tony Robbins. I found a bunch of others along the way as well like Ester/Abraham hicks, Brendon.com is another awesome channel, diving deep, Julien himself is also great. I think Tony Robbins is the absolute best for me. I can be so upset or hating my husband and I always feel so much better and lighter after a video or two. I actually begin to have understanding and empathy so I feel empowered as well. What he does and says doesn't affect me as much as it did 30 minutes before. I also think differently about what I can or can't do.

The people I mentioned might not be your cup of tea so keep searching until you hear something that clicks. The emotional state you are in is your body telling you that something is wrong. It's a sign and a good way of getting your attention to do something different because what you are currently doing isn't working. That's ok. It's not something else to feel bad about.

my family just feel like I'm being taken advantage of. They aren't seeing that it takes two to tango and I have not been a angel either. I know they are right about most things. I should clarify that not everyone is saying divorce him. They are saying kick him out, give him a ultimatum and that'll get him to quit drinking and start working. I feel that I can't do that until I am ok with getting a divorce. I just put it that way because I feel that kicking him out would result in a divorce. His ego is so bad I can see him saying fine just because I 'insulted' him and he is not one to admit any wrong doing. He would divorce me rather than get help because then I would 'win'. My biggest concern is what that would do to our young children. logically the kids would be better off if they had happy parents but I just don't want to throw him out until I am certain things won't get better. He would make the divorce very difficult and probably try to get alimony. He would never stop drinking either just for spite or at least that's what he would tell himself.

I'm trying to get him to want to better himself but on his own terms. Then he would feel in control with it and actually try.

It's hard and so many times I just want to tell him to move his self pity party out and away from me.