Why my brothers and I hardly have a social life (also venting)

Our father is existing rather than living, hardly communicating and showing care.
Our mother cares too much about our father to truly care about us.

That's why I had difficulties in relationships with men, and rejections and loss of contact from women.

And it's all my fault, always my fault, always my responsibility to change my mind, ignore my negative feelings and submit to other's demands because they are well people, because they don't mean to hurt you (yet they do).

I cut contacts with best friends whom I now consider enemies - I feel they vacuumed my life energy for their own sake over the years.
One who was very socially awkward, now has a girlfriend of 4 months, way more than I ever managed. And I know why I envy him. Because he didn't treat me well over the years. You never envy those you love, so I must really hate him.
I have issues recognizing things that anger me, so I hardly react on those events.
I'll say it openly - I really feel like murdering them.
Yet it's all my fault, so I can't do that.

I don't want to change my mind, I don't want to let others help them help me, or help me help myself. Who are they to have power over life and people like me?

I'm always the weak one - every social circle, almost every relationship.
What will be in a marriage, if I'll even have that? Be submissive to a woman as my father was? Hell no. I seriously hate one-sided relationships.
I read allot about depressed husbands breaking up with their wives because of feelings of inferiority. When reading those stories, I understand them because I know how it feels! I know how it feels to be with someone who has it so good in life, yet no one is there to make you a better person, just either hate you, say you're wrong or love you for who you are, because for some people it's highly comforting to their hearts to have a loser as a loved one.

Oh wait, life is about showing that "Life is good!"
You can get to hear about "Life is to improve", but it's almost always money-based.
You never hear "Life is bad!" out loud. Only in a therapist's room.

Hello. I am sorry things feel so upsetting for you.

Is there someone you [ido[/i] like or appreciate? Why do you do so? What about them do you hold valuable as a person? Do you recognise any of these traits as being hidden within yourself? Are some of the chracteristics you value ones you yourself could learn?

I appreciate the people whom I consider close friends, because they are the ones I can confide with. Most of them are also people who confide, too. No aggression in those relationships, too.
I value listening, being there for someone in pain.
I value emotional tolerance and balance.
But those are selfless traits. That's a central problem for me.
My mother highly values kindness. My father has been learning it overtime, yet he still has anger issues, especially over small things.
Overtime, I've been feeling kindness is a weakness because it doesn't thrive you up, but just puts you as an emotional "punching bag" for everyone else, be it positive or negative.

As a depressed person I tend to feel in a lose-lose situation - Make friends, deny your own bad feelings yet accept other's bad feelings when they treat you badly.
I cut ropes with the best friends. My self-esteem is safe but the bonding and fun shared together created overtime has been to waste, the fun we had is done, because they hurt me so much, yet I didn't put boundaries, because I wanted a friendship with freedom to express yourself. Yet I was the price.

People prefer to have fun with someone who lowers their self-esteem overtime rather than hang out with someone who is less fun but won't harm them. And if I break that stupid cycle, it's all my fault.

Our family life is such a failure, it's horrible. My head feels like it's shaking up wanting to explode.
All of us are just in our own business. I tried to create a puzzle with my little brother. We just become detached overtime, and then take a break. Although it was mostly fun.
I hate myself, I hate my big brother, I hate my father and my mother doesn't really care.
We all spend time in front of our own screens, big brother in his other business besides the computer, mom in front of the TV all the time.
We're so detached, it's unbelievable! I feel as if there's no hope for me because of this. How will I have a place of my own when I'm influenced from such an existing family?
I really feel like running away from the routine of "get a degree so you can get a job", and perhaps get away from home, and just do whatever I want to do without being so dreaded about securing a future!

EDIT: More detail.
There's no room for crying at home, not even anger.
Only my father's anger and big brother's anger are allowed.
Our mother hates crying.

So we're all emotionally dead. Emotional people hurt us, and it's always our fault. They are better than us.
Oh, not to mention my two previous friends, who broke that emotional shell and damaged me and others for their own sake.
I'm not sure I'll be able to recover.