[cnlsaf]

(btw Im 14) I don't really have bad things in my past. I don't recall much "bad" boy problems. Or anything that would be traumatic to normal people. But for some reason.. For some reason I have issues with guys. So far I haven't experienced it with girls (yes i'm bi) but I have only recently discovered I had an issue in April of the past year. I can like a guy, and know they'd neved like me back, and nothing would be wrong. We're just friends. But if a guy shows romantic affection, or sexual affection, or for example says they love me, and I reply over and over with I don't believe them and they try to make me believe them, or if they ask me out, or even asks for hugs (I dont like being touched by people im uncomfortable with,kn fact im uncomfortable with most people), or even seem like they like me: I get depressed, and my anxiety increases (around them) but mainly, and I dont know how to fully explain it, even if I think they're an amazing person and sweet and kind, I have this feeling when I'm around them, this extremely uncomfortable feeling, like I cringe at the thought of that feeling, I don't know how to make people understand that feeling and that I can't control it. And how I want so desperately to get rid of that feeling. It makes me want to stay away from them. And then in doing so, I feel bad because it's not their fault. This feeling is kinda like "bad butterflies" except different. I wish I knew how to explain it. But for the past year theres only been one guy its never happened to. And I can't help but think maybe it's because I knew he didnt want a sexual relationship from me, or at the least wouldnt try. He is the only one I've felt that way with. You see I don't have a sexual desire. I used to, atleast I think I did. Because for a long period of time I tried to make myself think I did by trying to make myself be sexual attracted to people. I like people romantically but not sexually, it just doesn't please me. I have more issues but this is one of the only ones I can't blame something for. But if I can't find something to blame, I don't think I can handle it. Please can anyone help me. I've ruined so many friendships I don't think I can lose anyone else. I'm barely holding on in this life as it is. And the older I get, the more problems I get except they're all mental problems.

[Skeezyks]

Hello cnlsaf: I'm sorry you are struggling with this. You don't mention if you see a therapist. That may be the best way to get to the bottom of what you are experiencing. I'm afraid there is not much I would have to offer. However I'm certain there are other members, here on PC, who will.

I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[cnlsaf]

Ever since I was a little girl I've been paranoid, but also curious.

For as long as I can remember I've envisioned what it would be like to be kidnapped, enslaved, raped, beat, killed, lost a limb, put into a coma, etc. For years I would dream or day dream of things like those happening to me. I can remember when I was in 1st grade, I would make my dolls and stuffed animals act stuff out, they kidnapped and were kidnapped, they enslaved and were enslaved and so on... When I got older I stopped playing with dolls, so this weirdness changed to dreams.

Also for as long as I can remember, I've always felt like i was being watched. I cover up cameras. Make sure no ones around. I make sure when I'm home alone my houses doors are locked, and i double check. I always feel like someone's reading my mind. So I never say my darkest secrets in my head, for fear of them becoming known. I mean I know I have trust issues but come on.

What's wrong with me? I'm confused. (didn't go into full detail in this for a reason)

[hobo2000]

Originally Posted by cnlsaf

Ever since I was a little girl I've been paranoid, but also curious.

For as long as I can remember I've envisioned what it would be like to be kidnapped, enslaved, raped, beat, killed, lost a limb, put into a coma, etc. For years I would dream or day dream of things like those happening to me. I can remember when I was in 1st grade, I would make my dolls and stuffed animals act stuff out, they kidnapped and were kidnapped, they enslaved and were enslaved and so on... When I got older I stopped playing with dolls, so this weirdness changed to dreams.

Also for as long as I can remember, I've always felt like i was being watched. I cover up cameras. Make sure no ones around. I make sure when I'm home alone my houses doors are locked, and i double check. I always feel like someone's reading my mind. So I never say my darkest secrets in my head, for fear of them becoming known. I mean I know I have trust issues but come on.

What's wrong with me? I'm confused. (didn't go into full detail in this for a reason)

First, those perverse ideations and daydreams are due to a lack of social interaction and life stress. Your hormones are making you have those crazy feelings because your body is in survival mode and your imagination is playing you to prepare you for survival (you know in case your family decides to disappear on you and you have to survive all on your own). The good thing is that most people will not do those things to you and life is not as dire as it once was.

Second, you could have an overactive thyroid that could be making you have those overwhelming paranoid feelings, because from what I've been told everyone has those strange thoughts about being watched or spied on once in a while. You should go to see a general practitioner to get your thyroid checked in case it is what could be causing you to have these strange convictions. Also, you may be suppressing your imagination and your imagination bites back with vengeance when you least expect it when you ignore it. If you can play an instrument or draw or reading might help you to get back in control of those feelings instead of it hijacking you making you feel on edge.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Skeezyks]

Hello cnlsaf: Thanks for sharing your difficulties. I don't know if you're seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist. But... in order to really figure out what this is all about seeing a mental health professional is the way to go. Delving into all of this, over time, with a mental health therapist would help you to come to an understanding of what is going on with you & what you can do about it.

My personal opinion is there's no way anyone here on PC can give you any kind of accurate assessment of your mental health status from reading the little bit you wrote here. Oh... & by the way... I keep all of my doors locked too, & also check them periodically. Perhaps I'm paranoid. I don't know. But I just consider it to be prudent in this day & age.

Are you familiar with Kati Morton's YouTube videos? Kati is a licensed mental health therapist who uploads videos on mental health topics. If you're not familiar with her videos, taking a look might be of some interest to you:

https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton

And also, please keep posting here on PC. It can help too...