[TishaBuv]

When it ends it doesn't end well, or it wouldn't end.

It's my mother. She is old and the health issues she is having are wearing her down rapidly. She is on the decline.

She doesn't have any money.

I can't even begin writing about how deep this goes.

I am sick myself and have to let her, in essence, drown.

[TishaBuv]

In the past, my h and I tried talking to my folks about how to approach their old age financially. We suggested they do a reverse mortgage. That would have solved their problems.

But my mother wouldn't even hear of it, wouldn't listen.

I have a friend that sells assisted living insurance. That also would have paid for what is starting to happen to them now. Again, she wouldn't even discuss it, wouldn't hear it it.

So she set herself up for total financial fail.

Yes still, she could sell her apartment. It would give them cash to live off paying rent somewhere.

But that didn't happen. They wanted to stay where they are.

So they just didn't plan for anything. And now they are screwed. On Medicare. Not sick enough yet to be hospitalized.

My mom would now definitely qualify as a psych patient. She is off her rocker. I don't even want to describe what she is carrying on, it is so TRIGGERING.

I feel like I sit in an OR waiting room right now.

I don't want to go there and see her like I am supposed to. I have a cold today, sore throat. Everything aches all over my body and I don't want to make the drive.

[dunnowhoiam82]

Maybe just call her let her know you care but can't make it. No mother will be mad that you chose not to drive out when not well. On the financial issue is there any local places that can help? Or places online like gofundme etc? We all struggle financially at one point in life there are places generally that can help to a point. Wish u both better don't do the trip sick and instead wish your mother well and look into such things for her instead of driving when sick. Hope that helps get better soon.

[TishaBuv]

We talk about personality disorders and abuse on this forum, and handling relationships with people with them, our parents, family, etc...

We all always knew and talked about things not being right with many members of my family. We aren't about going to doctors, there were never diagnoses. But all I can say is my mother always had something, and now this is the stuff PTSD is made of.

We all keep telling her to just take Valium and calm down. I feel so bad there's nothing they can do for her really. She has a digestive problem and pain. She can't take pain killers because they cause the digestive problem. It's a vicious cycle.

[TishaBuv]

There is a certain amount she is over dramatizing, she ADMITS it is for manipulation and sympathy.

My sisters and I have all decided there is a disconnect between how she is telling us all she is dying and what she does when she sees the doctor, who just sends her home.

My son's upset 'cause Grandma's off the deep end. I can't put her on speaker phone anymore, he can't stand to hear it. My h yelled at her yesterday about how much she is upsetting us and is so stubborn and won't think straight.

She was dying yesterday, but today she's feeling better.

Meanwhile, I can't stop thinking about how much worse it's going to get for her (and for me) when she demands I move her in with me and I say no. Plus, I am physically, mentally, emotionally ill myself right now. My wrist even hurts too much to type.

I'm glad I have my t appointment today.

I hear you. My parents never planned anything for their old age, other than downsizing to a bungalow, and it was always assumed I would care for them. And I am. It is hard. I don't envy you the choices. Just to say you MUST get support. I don't mean a T or meds (that helps) but carer support for you and whatever you can get for her, even if it's from charity. If you Google carer support for your state, you might find some organisations that are worth reaching out to. I realise America has health insurance unlike the U.K. But it is so important to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF too. ((Hugs))

[TishaBuv]

We are now just past a month from my OP about this.

Her health and emotions are worse than ever. Although she said she was dying last month. She didn't die.

Now she's pulled cr*p with me again. I was doing what's best for her and for me. But now I have to undo what I did, and remove myself from all involvement once again.

I have been so deeply hurt by my own mother so many times!

I discussed it with my sisters and aunt, they all agree to let her be responsible for her own fate and remove myself.

They all appreciated that I had her best interest at heart and she should have just trusted me. They all agree that she is a mentally/emotionally unstable person.

It's hard to watch someone drown because they are manipulatively planning to prey on the kindness of others. Sadly, she is mistaken. I am not that kind because she doesn't deserve it.

You can't abuse and manipulate me forever and think I am going to go way beyond the support I feel I owe.

[TishaBuv]

How far does the commandment "Honor thy father and mother" go?

Do you let them drain you financially? Emotionally? Both? Even when they are abusive?

I feel like I might be faced with the same thing with my mother someday. She abandoned me when I was 15 because her husband didn't want me and continues to choose him over me. They both have AIDS, but he is a lot further advanced than she is and doesn't take good care of himself. Both my mother and I are on SSI, so not like I'm better off than she is or anything, but when he dies she won't be able to survive on her own. I mean, even when I was a child she couldn't survive without the help of her mother, my wonderful grandmother. She's burned bridges with everyone else in the family. I have a feeling it will be me she comes to.

So, I understand...but I wish I had better answers for you.

[TishaBuv]

I'm so sorry for you, too. I help your mother will soften in her old age and not destroy you.

I just had it out with her. She tried to twist everything around and manipulate me. But I have it all in writing!

I'm doing what's fair and washing my hands of her.

Her evil level of venom is too painful to put into words.

[hannabee]

Gosh, I'm going to sound like a terrible person, but I cut my abusive mother off about a year of so before she died. It was the best decision I ever made and I would do it again. Abusive parents reap what they sow and they should. I was the complete opposite raising my children and even though I think I was a great mom, I would never expect them to bail me out of a self-made mess. Last thing you might consider is making sure she is on public assistance, as they will pay to care for her when she can't care for herself. It's time for you to worry about you and your family.

[TishaBuv]

I've been the complete opposite with my boys, too.

Thank God the cycle can be broken.

[TishaBuv]

Husband took the opportunity to show me some compassion and called my parents and told them I deserved an apology.

I was so enraged and went off about years of abuse and I'm done with it.

Of course I won't get that apology.

I feel good that h stepped up though. Maybe he is really listening and can make me feel more loved. He's seen what I've been put through by my mother. Maybe he is really seeing and paying attention to it now. I do appreciate his effort.

[seesaw]

Tishabuv, if you PM me I can invite you to a group that deals with situations very similar to this.

seesaw

[mugwort2]

Wish I knew what to tell you TishaBuy. Your situation with your mother sounds truly unremitting I can and do give you my support. prayers and hugs. My mom lived her last years with my dad. She passed in 2003 and my dad 2014. He lived last six months of life with Alzheimers in an assisted living home. He was prescribed Numenda so I figure his diagnosis was Alzheimers. Since that med is only for that disorder. I feel sorry for you too Anna.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

How far does the commandment "Honor thy father and mother" go?

Do you let them drain you financially? Emotionally? Both? Even when they are abusive?

No, you do not.

Your mother also sounds like there is some early dementia that could be going on.

Do not take her in.
Do not liquidate any of your assets to assist her financially.
If she wants to hang on to her house, let her, she will end up dying in it.

If you have to disconnect, do so. Do not enable her to continue living at home. When she brings up her health, tell her she should look into assisted living. This will probably keep her quiet.

When the inevitable medical crisis occurs, if she calls you tell her to call 911 and let them handle it. Don't sit in waiting rooms waiting. If the hospital calls you to come and get her or implies she will be coming home with you, YOU WILL NOT DO SO. TELL THEM SHE IS UNSAFE TO LIVE ALONE AND NEEDS PLACEMENT. Then have the social worker at the hospital do that.

Let me find a message board I used to participate on, it dealt with sick toxic relatives.

ETA: here it is: http://mikegamble.websitetoolbox.com/

[TishaBuv]

For many years I would approach her about her plan for her late in life 'exit strategy' so to say. She would just refuse to talk about it saying 'don't worry about me, I'll never be a burden on my children'. And that is exactly what her plan secretly was.

See, what she was implying about not being a burden was that she wouldn't live, she would die. What other logical way was she not going to be a burden when she knew she would run out of money? I thought it was a real plan for just dying, because my family just does that, they have just died because they wanted to. So that is what she meant I presume. She knew she intentionally let me think that was her plan and refused to have a reasonable conversation with me.

The logical plan, and what is actually going to happen, isn't the worst thing in the world. Even though she let me think death was a better plan for her. What will happen because she had no plan is she and my dad live in a paid for apartment. They do not have enough income with social security to pay all their expenses, so debt will rack up. They can't be thrown out of their home. When they get good and sick enough, they will be taken into the hospital, nursing home, rehab center, etc... they will get Medicaid (I have tried and can't even get them to apply) and when they die all those creditors will take the apartment and any assets they have left.

My mother will not even entertain the thought of this. She only wants to be treated like a very rich woman. She thinks she is way too special and important to be treated like 'common folk'. So her plan all along was to manipulate her children and her sister into her bail out.

Well it doesn't work like that. Nobody has the money to treat her like a queen. None of us want to take her in because she is a nightmare toxic witch.

She wants to work me over with guilt and abuse to be her victim to suck the life out of because I am her best bet, and I won't do it. I am too sick myself to tolerate her at all.

So more sadness and depression for me, just in time for the holidays once again! When I started writing on here I started a post about how she tormented me for Thanksgiving.

One year later....

[TishaBuv]

What precipitated this whole thing is my mom asked why I haven't been by to visit her lately. I told her the truth, that her apartment smells so bad I can't walk in there. I'm sorry, it's true. Aside from all the filthy, old clutter that I am very allergic to, the carpet is absolutely filthy and probably full of mold. She refuses to do anything about it.

So she got mad at me over that and that's why she made her situation explode with me. She had a knee jerk reaction and lashed out at me.

You tried to help her apply for Medicaid. That is the logical thing to do. You have been saying she's both stubborn hoping you will cave and crazy. Could your family (you and your siblings) have her committed for psychiatric evaluation? Maybe your state might do something. Molinit is right, if asked, you need to tell your state that you are unable to help.
You've gone above and beyond by doing more than most children would do. I'm sorry she still is so toxic for you. Like everyone is saying -- don't cave. You have to save yourself first. I know it is hard because you are so sweet.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

You tried to help her apply for Medicaid. That is the logical thing to do. You have been saying she's both stubborn hoping you will cave and crazy. Could your family (you and your siblings) have her committed for psychiatric evaluation? Maybe your state might do something. Molinit is right, if asked, you need to tell your state that you are unable to help.
You've gone above and beyond by doing more than most children would do. I'm sorry she still is so toxic for you. Like everyone is saying -- don't cave. You have to save yourself first. I know it is hard because you are so sweet.

Remember when the priest tried to help Linda Blair in the Exorcist?

[TishaBuv]

It happened. I knew it was coming. Now I am the bad daughter and my mother hates me. This is horribly painful, yet I feel like a weight's been lifted off of me. I was only as good as my last good deed. I would have been happy to be a good daughter if only she wasn't so mean, abusive, and manipulative. She lied about 'never being a burden on her children' when that was her secret plan all along. I just can't handle that much toxicity and I absolutely can't allow her further into my life because it will kill me. I am barely functioning as it is. It's like we were in a shipwreck and I had to let her drown to save myself. OMG THE HORROR. Yet I feel so strangely numb and content at this moment.

[TishaBuv]

OMFG! I just spoke to my sister and realized that I was absolutely played by my mother! The whole family thinks I am a joke and will keep letting her play me! I ended up giving her money and she made me feel like I was bad!

Hail to the queen of narcissist abuse!

I solemnly swear I am done with this POS

(((Trisha))). I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I wish I had advise but all I have are hugs.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

OMFG! I just spoke to my sister and realized that I was absolutely played by my mother! The whole family thinks I am a joke and will keep letting her play me! I ended up giving her money and she made me feel like I was bad!

Hail to the queen of narcissist abuse!

I solemnly swear I am done with this POS

As you know, giving her money is only teaching her to harass you until you give her money.

Stop giving money. After a few times of harassing you and getting nothing, she will find a new target because she doesn't want to waste time and energy and get nothing.

Anything you do that enables her (money, helping around her house) is only teaching her to come to you when she has needs. When she mentioned money, a good response would have been "in assisted living you would have the money from your house in the bank and all your needs would already be taken care of with the monthly payment" and drop the mic.

[TishaBuv]

She first disowned me when I was 18 and disobeyed her about going out with a friend. I stayed away for 6 months. Then I went to make peace with her and she acted like nothing happened.

If I hadn't gone back, my life would have been completely different.

She disowned me at least 3 more times over the years over stupid stuff. She really just writes me off for good over simple disobedience.

So now I am written off again even after having been a great daughter. She has already blackballed me to the whole family.

I know she has a disorder. I now understand narcissism. But it doesn't make it any less painful.