Making Amends

Yes, it was simply the fact that I voted for that candidate and HER emotions ran high, completely disregarding my feelings because of who I voted, simply the name and the association of the candidate completely overshadowed everything she knew about me.

Step by step of what went wrong, she made her choices, and I made mine. I offered friendship, she demanded conformity.

Some more shocking news. We have a tight circle of best friends, including E and J. J comes from a family who supported that candidate. She did not vote, but if she did, she would have voted for that candidate too. So now I'm more confused as to why she attacked me and not her.

J is texting K right now trying to get her side of the story and hopefully talk her out of whatever is bothering her.

The point I am trying to make with this thread, is that friendships are so rare to come by, loyal friends are harder. I have very loyal friends with E J and K and it is heartbreaking to lose loyal friends and I DO understand that to K, she is someone who wants to save the world and to her, a victory for that candidate is devastating to her and to say I voted for him, though I never wanted to discuss it, is an act of betrayal. I am hurt, but she is a friend I do not want to lose or get over because she is a genuinely good person and the best friend I've ever had. I've lost best friends many times before, but nothing can compare with the friendship I've had with K.

Why don't you just say to them exactly what you've just said in your opening question? Sometimes beliefs or views can tear people apart but if you both value your friendship together maybe you could work on being friends without those things getting in the way?
Good Luck!

This is part of the problem. You don't respect her views. You call her a blind sheep for standing by her own views. You say you won't give up your feelings and opinions, but somehow you expect her to give up hers.

She asked you questions, it sounds like to figure out where you were coming from. It sounds like she didn't like where you were coming from so decided the friendship was over. It's one thing to say, this makes me sad, yadda yadda, but instead you insult her decision-making and her values. If that's the way you react, it doesn't sound to me like you two had a very good friendship to begin with.

I'm sorry you lost a friend over this. It's very hard to lose a friend over any subject whatsoever. I lost someone I thought was a good friend when I ended up rooming with her for a while and found out what kind of person she truly is. I have tried to use that experience as an opportunity for personal growth. I think you could do the same here.

It's also a thing to remember that she has to make decisions that she feels are right for her. So in a way, this decision isn't about you, it's about her. So, I guess I'm saying to try not to take it too personally, because people have to make decisions about what's in their best interest, just like you will make the ones that are in your best interest.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of a friend, see how you can grow from the experience, and then try not to let thinking about it rule your life, because you really can't control it and you can't change it.

I suspect this kind of response is the reason she has decided she cannot be your friend. You don't respect her difference in opinion yet you expect her to respect yours while calling people who vote differently names? Therein lies the problem.

Okay, I know I'm making a lot of comments, but in your defense here, you kind of went back on your own boundaries. You said you weren't going to engage in political discussion with her because it's really none of her business who you voted for, etc. (which is completely okay and right and allowed). But then you allowed her to drag you into this political discussion.

So, it doesn't seem like she had great respect for your boundaries if she refused to be your friend and not discuss politics, which is what you wanted.

So, going back to my story of how when I roomed with a good friend I found out what she really was like, after knowing her for like 15 years....I think you have learned more about who this friend really is.

I suggested in my previous post that this may be an opportunity for personal growth, and I hope it may be an eye opener that (at least in this circumstance) you let someone disregard your personal boundaries. How can you be a stronger advocate for your boundaries in the future and not feel like you are being held hostage for friendship?

Seesaw

No, she didn't want to respect my boundaries, nor did she make any comment that made it appear she was listening to or respecting any of my explanations. I explained my side of the story, and she still saw me as a betrayer irregardless of the interrogation and my pleading to keep the friendship intact. Is that not what a blind sheep is? Someone who is so strong with unwavering beliefs they'd disregard everyone's feelings that don't match theirs and ruin a friendship over it? "Blind sheep" isn't necessarily a political insult, although in this case her political beliefs came before a lifelong friendship because my beliefs didn't match hers.

This conversation with her was entirely one sided, and she did not respect my beliefs or boundaries at all. I made no insulting remarks to her, only answering question after question after question (and repeating I had very little knowledge of politics and wasn't comfortable with answering)

I see "blind sheep" as meaning more that someone follows blindly. Without being privy to your conversation with her, and the questions and responses, I can't say that she was doing something blindly, although I don't get that impression since she wanted to ask you questions and understand why you voted the way you did. "Blind sheep" usually means that someone is a follower with no real opinion of their own or understanding of that which they are following. I don't get that impression of your friend.

But you're right that she lacked respect for your boundaries and that should be a red flag to you. Ask yourself, why do YOU want to continue a friendship with someone who can't respect your boundaries?

I suspect that if had not been politics, your friendship may have been in jeopardy because of something else in the future, because of her lack of respect for your boundaries.

I said I have few friends who don't share my political beliefs, but that's not true. I actually have many friends who I have no clue where they stand politically and I don't care, because that's not what we share together and I have no desire to discuss politics with them.

You have every right to say to a person, I don't want to discuss politics and stand by that. If they won't change the subject, then say, well, let's chat another time, or say, well, it was nice seeing you but I can't chat about this topic right now, and leave. Don't let people make your boundaries a doormat.

Thank you. I know it's hard to understand what went down without knowing what was said in the conversation or the history between us. I am a chronic doormat and I really want a solid friendship where my friends have no hidden motives. I expect and see that with E J and a rekindling of a friendship with A (which had always been pleasant, no falling out) and I expected that with K and was shocked when she turned on a dime and lashed out at me for my political choices.

And you're right, for those who made this point, that I simply DO NOT understand how intense politics can be and how strongly people feel about it. I simply do not understand why people lose friendships over this, even after seeing how upset K was when she forced it out of me and lashed out at me when that is the complete opposite of how I knew and viewed her. I had no idea she was political at all, so much to lose a friendship over it. Maybe I am the blind sheep after all.

It is sad, overall, when people can't overcome differences and understand each other.

At least I've found a strong friendship with my friend A. We were very close in high school and after graduation we went our separate ways. There was no falling out, and I believe it was A who reached out to me to catch up over a cup of coffee. I really enjoy our friendship and today she picked me up (car trouble) and we went out for brunch and she helped me pick out an outfit for an upcoming interview. I told her the story of K because we all went to the same high school. She said, "yeah, he's not a good guy, but that's your viewpoint" and left it at that, and I was quick to change the subject and we continued to have a blast shopping and enjoyed each other's company. I hope it all works out and we continue to be really good friends.

Oh, this is interesting, so k is male? I was under the impression K was female.

K is female. I meant she said the candidate wasn't a good guy but A respects my viewpoint.

Oh, okay.

Let me rephrase my paragraph. I told Allison the story of Karen and when Allison asked me who I voted for, she responded with "Oh, he's not a good guy, but I understand your viewpoint." And then we continue to have fun going shopping. My point is that I have rekindled a friendship with Allison who respected my choice without letting that bar her view on me, unlike Karen who had an extreme reaction to it.

Somehow I feel I didn't rephrase that well enough...SMH...

I give up.

It's okay. I understood.

And on the plus side i get my favorite jane goodall book back that i let k borrow of which i had completely forgotten its whereabouts. Shes mailing it with my house key.