Emotional Anorexia.

Hello.

I want to post about my struggle with emotional anorexia. I'm 31, Male and in a relationship with a beautiful woman. I had some violent contact made when I was little, sexual, physical and emotional, and it is difficult for me to relax around people I know well. I see my family members about once a month, and we "get on", but I'm pretty distant. Although I have a good sense of humour and a lot of creative energy, I can "turn it off" suddenly and then feel alone, frightened and trapped.

I am trying to overcome this with my girlfriend. Sometimes we go a month without sex. Sometimes I find it hard to look her in the eye. I find it very difficult to express my emotions around her - to cry, to use emotional language. I find it hard to give her affirmations, and when she writes to me I often don't reply, or send a quite functional "what time are we meeting later?"

I know this lives in my body. I know that I can work every day using Somatic Experiencing, Trauma Release Exercises and Feldenkrais to relax, get in touch with my emotions and reconnect with her. I also know that when she and I are well connected, it feels great; we are in love. When I avoid her it takes a part out of me; it is expensive and it's me who pays for it. I feel restless, irritable and unhappy.

I also find Nonviolent Communication helpful, to get in touch with empathy and the fact that there is no such thing as a "normal" or "healthy" person, and that these labels are quite damaging and self-fulfilling.

Today I'm going to make the effort to look her in the eye when I meet her, tell her about my feelings and ideas, and have a sense of humour around her, to be silly and fun.

Thank you for reading,

Boogie.

How long have you and your girlfriend dated? Would couples counseling be a possibility? The counselor can help you both to communicate with each other based on the issues you've mentioned here. I think it would help you both. Just my two cents.

Do you see a therapist? Could that help?

I'm sorry about this. It's good that you're still trying, though!

Hello,

Thank you for the advice. Yes, we are in the process of finding a therapist. I'm also looking at videos online which are helpful.

I want to write a little more here, to express these feelings which are quite difficult. Sometimes the resentment and judgements I feel toward her are so strong; I find it almost impossible to look her in the eye, or touch her. My mind just runs through the behaviours and habits of hers which bother me. It reminds me of growing up around my mum, when I'd find it almost impossible to talk, I'd be very withdrawn and resentful. I've looked online at the tendencies of emotional anorexia, and one of them is "frequent criticism of partner."

I'm keeping the criticism to myself, scared of expressing these experiences. It's a little like being in a tomb.

Last night I came home, and I felt totally exhausted. I found it hard to be light and jokey, or to look at her.

I feel scared that she will say or do something "intrusive", come into my space somehow. It's a really old, deep fear. I guess it's my "amygdala" remembering people coming into my space when I was little.

Today I'm going to carry on fighting against it:
- staying in touch with my emotions
- letting my emotions out around her (e.g. sadness, fear, excitement)
- making an effort to look at her, touch her, talk to her
- keeping the criticism to myself, letting it pass, writing it down if necessary.

Also, yes, keep looking for a therapist.

Thank you,

B

Thank you.

It's difficult. We are looking for a therapist.

It's as I'd the urge to criticise her and keep her away (protect myself) is being held back by the desire to care for her, and to avoid conflict. So what happens is a total shut down - nonverbal communication lets her know I'm not present, verbally I'm withdrawn and quiet. Can't make eye contact. Inside it's like there's an eruption of anger, frustration, hopelessness.

This is exactly what I'm currently struggling with. I couldn't find the words to express it (nor get up the courage to tell anyone I was absolutely resenting my gf for probably illogical reasons) but yes. This, this, this.

I don't have anything useful or constructive to offer here, but holy beep are you not alone. And I'm not alone! I was beating myself up so much over thoughts like this.

I didn't realize it's a thing.

Thank you so much for sharing. I can't tell you what a relief this was to read. But that feels horrible to share in hindsight.

Wishing you both all the best!
-jho