I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

I have been with my husband for 16 years married for only 1. When we were younger about 17 and 20 years old he went to prison for 3 years. I promised that I'd wait for him and I did. I wrote him everyday for the first two years and about every week or so during the third year ( My life had become busy and I was working crazy hours as a waitress to save enough money for us to have a place by the time he got out that following year) During this time I made friends at my new job which was a relief because I had been totally alone during the first two years. I had cut everyone off and was severely depressed from missing him even though I saw him every two weeks. During the last year my friends consisted of a female and a male. Now the male I was comfortable with because I had no reason to think he wanted me in that way. So one day he offered to pick me up for work and I said sure that would be nice (since it saved me $6 on a cab) The day he came to pick me up I told him wait here and went to get ready. He came up stairs and started talking to me about normal non sense then out of no where he kissed me. I never ever led him on. When he realized It was not a mutual feeling he apologized and I accepted ( Now I feel I should have throw him out) so we left and went to work. I started to distance myself from him at that point. I felt I needed to tell my husband because we didn't keep secrets from one another. So I did and he was upset obviously but he understood that it was totally one sided and I apologized profusely. Of course he demanded I stay away from him and I did until the man in question started dating my best friend at the time and he would come around with her sometimes. Now I didn't see the problem with this as I was not interested in him and he was dating my friend. So we all hung out together. My husband finally came home and I had a place ready for us and I thought we were fine. I introduced him to my friends and he seemed fine with it for months. Now I knew I couldn't afford to keep the apartment up alone and told him that he needed to get a job. He wasn't really trying much and after a few months and an eviction notice I lost it. I admit that I began to belittle him and shame him as I was frustrated and it was the only way I thought at the time that he would make the extra effort. Through it all we still managed to stay together even after we got evicted and spent two years living with different family members until we got ourselves together (Mind you during this time I got pregnant and had a baby who was 1 by the time we got our own place) After about a year he started messaging a woman we both knew but weren't friends with. I have bad blood with her from us being teens. He claims he never slept with her but I didn't believe it then and I don't now. However I never ever brought it up after we had the initial issue of me discovering the messages. I tend to let go of things once i'm passed it. At this point I don't think he was cheating he was always home when not at work (he is a homebody) Now I have asked him through out the course of our relationship to no contact this woman and he will agree but 6 months or some years will go by and he is back to texting her always insisting their friends. So suddenly he starts Accusing me of having sex and emotional affair with the guy I was talking about that I worked with. Now this was 7 years ago at this point but he keeps insisting that it happened. he has made up his mind about that and won't let it go. he refuses to believe me saying that my actions lead him to believe that I did it but I know that I didn't. Now this is an on and off argument with him it has been 3 years now and he will find any reason to fight about it and bring it up. two months before our wedding he went insane because I ran in to an old friend while we were out together. I knew this guy way before him that I hadn't seen in 10 years. We were only ever friends never anything more even before my husband. Once I got with my husband I stopped even seeing him then he moved away. So I see this friend and he has a mess of hair on his face and I jokingly grab his beard and make a pirate joke. My husband storms off practically leaving me and accuses me of being a thot ( *****). we got in to a huge fight and he brought up the other thing again as well saying I was a no good ***** and he was leaving me.( Also by this point we have had baby number two and this all took place on valentines day) So after two weeks of fighting and him constantly being hurtful and calling me horrible names we managed to work it out. we bought our first home and got married ( We weren't married before because he wanted to be financially stable first) So we move in and everything is fine and happy. Now almost a year later he is accusing me again of cheating on him and belittling him when we were younger and being disrespectful and not loyal and a deceitful *****. I have tried talking to him and hearing him out I have even apologized for what he thinks I did even though I know I didn't do anything. I'm a good wife to him. I take care of him and I'm always willing to be intimate. He swears that he just can't get over it and i'm not who he thought I was that he doesn't even know me because the woman he knew wouldn't have allowed that to happen. I'm so lost, he is throwing away our beautiful family because of something that he thinks I did and can't seem to get past. Even after all this time. Please vote as to if you think I cheated on him. He says everyone he tells the story too (excluding our names) says that he is right so I must have cheated on him.After you vote feel free to leave a comment I am open to hear all opinions as it may just help me accept this.

I didn't vote in your poll because it seems too silly to do so.Only you know whether you cheated or not and since you say you didn't I believe you.

I'm not sure what the point is of the poll,are you planning on showing him the results?Are you going to base your relationship on votes?I don't get it.

I did read your entire post though(which I hope someone comes along and breaks it into paragraphs so it's not just a wall of words that most people won't even bother reading because it's too difficult to).It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship at all and it sounds like maybe you both could benefit from marriage counseling.Or if he's not willing to go then maybe therapy for yourself might be a good idea to help you decide what to do about it,whether you should stay with him or not.

This idea that "love" means never keeping anything to yourself is utter nonsense at best and, at worse, can be quite destructive. Even between husband and wife . . . even between persons deeply in love . . . there needs to be boundaries. Each human being is entitled to a zone of privacy. Lose that, and what you have is not a healthy relationship, but a case people trying to own each other (or one owning the other) in a way that diminishes human dignity. So you telling your guy about the forced kissing incident was plain silly. (Your assumption that he had no secrets from you was silly also. He did, going way back.) And, yes, he is simply using that info against you because he knows you feel guilty. Never apologize for something you didn't cause. By apologizing profusely, you said you were guilty of something. You should have let the incident go and just moved on. It's no good to drag around something that belongs in the past and forgotten about. Now, he'll think about it forever. And, yes, he is using it manipulatively.

Your husband has no business messaging any woman. Married men don't do that, if they take their marriage seriously. Sure he was all faithful to you while he was locked up. Nobody's going to be more faithful than a guy in jail. But he got out and, maybe, wanted to make up for lost time. So he probably did have a sexual encounter with this woman. You can put that in the past, too. What counts is now. The messaging is wrong and you have every right to object to it. Married men don't normally have female "friends" that they confide in. Couples socialize with other couples . . . and, also, with single persons . . . but they do it together. If this woman isn't also your friend, he shoukd have no contact with her.

Your husband is not accusing you of infidelity because he really believes it. It's just a stick to beat you with. And it works beautifully. It gets you back to apologizing. Stop apologizing. Stop re-answering questions you've already answered. Stop arguing. He can't argue about this, if you refuse to participate in the argument. He may genuinely have unwarranted doubts about you, but you can't argue someone out of irrational thinking. Don't try. Your defensiveness just reinforces his doubt. You cannot control what he believes (or claims to believe.) That's you treading on his zone of privacy. Don't worry about what he might, or might not, believe. Worry about current behavior. What goes on inside of his mind is really none of your business. You don't want it to be, as I'm sure plenty of crazy crap goes on in there.

I'll not tell you you're foolish to be with an ex-convict. I've worked in correctional facilities. The inmates are not all monsters. But they pretty much all do have more than their share of issues. Your husband is quite immature. That's why he ended up in prison. You have to face the reality of what you are married to - a guy with major problems in how he thinks about things.

Thank you. You make a lot of good points and I appreciate your feedback. He has been telling other people this story obviously leaving our names out of it and claims they all agree with him and that I am a liar. So I wanted to do the same thing but with the world and see what I got back.

Look at your husband in the totality of his behavior, not just his behavior with you. Someone with his attitude doesn't just have disharmony at home. Ask yourself: how does he get along with his supervisor at work, his coworkers, your neighbors, his family, your family? I strongly doubt he's getting along great with everyone in his world and only has tension with you over this supposed betrayal. Think about it. I bet you'll come up with other examples of him being ticked off with this one, or that one. People are being unfair to him. He's being betrayed. I'll bet this poisons his thinking about how others treat him . . . not just you.

Everyone builds a "narrative" about their life - a story about how their life got to be how it is. He's been going through life as kind of a loser. Rather than face that he hasn't made the most of life's opportunities, he's got to come up with an alternative narrative: "I'm being held back by people who don't do me right . . . a disloyal, deceitful wife who carries on with other guys. Oh - the pain of my existance. Oh! - the cross that I have to carry in this marriage. Oh - poor me. What did I ever do to deserve this? It's a wonder I don't just give up." It has nothing to do with you. It's him formulating his alibi for why he hasn't gone further in life. The more you discuss that supposed "incident," the more you lend an air of reality to it - like there actually is something to talk about. There isn't. You don't need me to tell you that. Refuse to even respond to absurdities.

Your guy needs to grow up and he's got a long way to go. There is a slight chance that, with the stability that being married to you provides him, he may gradually gain some maturity - a slight chance. But it will be a slow process.

One possible response is to laugh off his nutty charges. "Yeah, Honey, in a weak moment I gave it to temptation. And, besides that guy, there were six others that I used to have wild romps with. I knew it was wrong, but I'm just a regular Jezebel."

BTW, not for nothing, but you do have to work on your boundaries. That guy who "came upstairs" after you told him to "wait here" knew you had weak boundaries. You wouldn't let your kids behave like that at someone else's house. He tested your tolerance of him going up the stairs by talking about "normal nonsense," and you acted like everything was fine, so he made a bold move. That was extremely disrespectful of him. Be a little less naive. Until you get to be about age 55, or so, men are going to test your boundaries. It's what men do. You don't have to be walled off and going around in a burka, but it is your responsibility to maintain some psychological "fences." And don't go putting your hands on men's faces. It's just wiser to be a bit more reticent in your demeanor.

Your husband may actually "believe" he's not that great of a catch, as husbands go - which he's not - and he needs to bring you down, so he won't feel undeserving of you. What people believe - in the deepest part of their hearts - is a mystery and it's best to make no assumptions aboit what anyone "believes." What a person tells you they believe might, or might not, have anything to do with their deepest beliefs. People kid themselves all the time about what they "believe." Deal with behavior. That's what counts.

No, you didn't cheat.

But he did.

And it sounds like he is using the incident with your friend as an excuse to manipulate you emotionally.

I can understand your confusion, because you are in a situation where you are being manipulated. Please consider counseling, or talking to a pastor, so you can get an objective view on your situation to help you figure out the best action to take.

So let me get this right.
Your constantly fighting, he is accusing you of cheating.
Calls you a *****, you fight all the time.
He texts this other woman who you believe he has cheated with and won't stop contact with.

And your reason for not getting married was financial stability!!

Hon,I can see a hundred reasons you shouldn't be married.Financial stability doesn't even rank amongst them.
I have zero idea of what you hope to achieve here, cos this thing was a wreck before you signed the papers.

Pity on the kids cos this isn't the example of two people loving each other that shows them how to build healthy relationships.
Stop the title for that, get counselling or get a divorce.
Make it work or accept it won't. But don't waste more time than necessary asking questions you know the answers too.

I wish you all the best, and hope you find happiness in your future.

What about your kid?

He would either agree or insult me over the Jezebel comment but don't think I haven't thought it to myself one time or another. I agree that I could use work with my boundaries. I just never know which way is up with him. He says I keep him from doing things but at this point I have no friends and am home all day with the kids and only leave for errands and work. He chooses to stay home and sleep nobody forces him So I guess that makes me a socially awkward sometimes. I apologized for the incident and I agree I shouldn't have done it. I was drinking at the time so I guess that didn't help with the whole self control thing. I didn't add that to the original post because I needed honest opinions and didn't want people to feel I was making excuses. Point being I was happy to see and old friend and I guess I showed it a bit too much. He is very strong minded. He doesn't strike me as the type to be hurting internally. Besides at this point he makes a lot of money so he pretty much thinks ( and often says) He's the man in a king of the world type of way.

What about my kid?

You can't base your behavior on which way is up with him. I didn't mean to shift your focus onto the bearded guy. Forget that. Understand that what he says about you is not what needs to be your reality.

I'm glad he makes good money. That eliminates some of life's problems.

How is this situation affecting them?

With so much toxicity brewing over such a long period, I think the correct question is "How is this not affecting them?"

Even if he doesn't call you ugly names in front of them, children are intuitive, they know when their parents are miserable and figure out pretty quickly when their parents are making each other miserable.

Me personally?
I wouldn't be raising my daughter in the midst of that.

NB. I'm not passing judgment or speaking on behalf of any other members, just sharing my personal POV.

Thanks Trippin2.0 You said what I was thinking. And I think the kids are the most important people in the house, my bias.