My boyfriend cheated

My boyfriend cheated on me twice before we were official (though the commitment was already there.. ) and I found out about it a year later. He's sworn he's changed and I can kinda see that (unless he's doing it behind my back). Do you think it's possible or do you believe in the saying that once a cheater always a cheater? Based from your experiences, observation, or intuition? Kinda stuck here... also sad and mad.

EDIT: I would also like to know why people cheat. When a person cheats does that mean they really don't love you?

What do you mean by "official"? If you weren't together yet, then it's not so terrible in my opinion.. also, what makes you think he's changed? If he hasn't been cheating on you for more than a year, then he might be tellign the truth.

Often, people don't cheat becuase they don't love - sometimes they're just not sexually satisfied, or maybe others just want to break the "rules", I think it varies. I think you should talk with this to him if you haven't already

Thanks for your response! We have. And we've had a lot of fights because of it. We weren't official at the time because i wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend (i'm in the right age, my parents just want me to finish college first), but we were already saying "I love you" and the commitment was clear between us both.

Though sometimes he flirts with other women. I'm not sure if it's because of his job? He's in the sales industry. And he's quite attractive (tall, dark, handsome, charming, into sports, into theatre play) and the fact that many women like him also makes me insecure (relationship-wise)... maybe i shouldn't date super attractive guys. The emotional and mental stress that it causes... it's kind of hard to be in a relationship when it's the center of attraction. I really like him but I want to be lowkey. You know.

Well I am a cheater & I have many reasons. Some r probably strange to most people.
If your philosophy is that we as humans are descended from mammals I wonder why only about 12% of mammals are monogamous.
So how did humans become monogamous? That varies. Some believe it came with the adaptation of religion & taking a female as a possession & according to religion it would be wrong to take something that's not yours. So we're these rules human made or from some type of God.
Really depends on what you believe & how far down you scratch the surface.
Do you search for the Oprah answers or spiritual answers etc etc.
You asked the question of why people cheat & I think you'll get many different answers. There is no universal answer.
And if a person cheats does that mean they don't love you....are you asking other monogamous people, polyamorous people, people that share your same ethnic beliefs?

Where do you stand in your core values & does your boyfriend share these core values. Have you discussed this with him.

Thanks for your response! We have talked about it. And from the start it was clear that we both want monogamy. He easily gets jealous so i was taken aback when i discovered the cheating and how much he's prone to it.

I just wish he stops this instead of trying to push himself to be someone he's not. I can see that he wants to be in this relationship but he's so torn between monogamy and his "sexual needs" and "urges"... I keep telling him to leave if he still wants to "explore", im willing to let him go just don't cheat on me. But he keeps saying that he's ready for this, he wants to be committed and then months or weeks later, i discover him cheating (in various ways, with different women).

It's making me think that maybe im like a house that he can come home to when he's done exploring the outdoors.

Is there a way to make him stop though? What do i do here

You said you both want monogamy, but he actually sounds poly. Are you both familiar with this philosophy because I'd say it's not very mainstream. The idea of you being a house & him returning to you sounds like this. Problem is this will not work with you being monogamous. You'd have to study & believe in compersion, which goes hand in hand with polyamory.
If he gets jealous, jealousy is an emotion that filled with other emotions that need to be explored like anger, self esteem, trust etc.
so how would he feel if there was no house to come back to? If you think he's pushing himself to be someone he's not....you answered your own question. Honestly you just did. So your next question is what will you do with this information.
So be a bit selfish here. What do you want? What can you tolerate? What can you accept & not accept & then act on these values with self confidence & your own self worth.
You deserve to give that to yourself....bec only you can.

Flipping hell it sounds like you were describing my ex husband there.

Taking into account the things you have said; I don't think you're in a healthy relationship.

And if I were you randomgirl I sure as hell wouldn't even for one second consider a polygamous relationship.

Perhaps he is actually showing you who he is.

When someone shows you who they are...believe them.