[thought_pool]

So, we went to a family party last night, my family's party.
My boyfriend and I are an interracial couple. I'm Indian and he's white.
I don't think he's been around that many Indian people before, haha.
We'd spent 2 weeks with his family up north and I hadn't really spent much time with mine since we got back so I was really happy to be there: drinking, dancing, loving.
I believe your true person is who you are when you're happily drunk.
I'm loud, overprotective, friendly, a total schmooze- I love to have fun.
And that's exactly how I was last night.
My man and I have been together for over 2 1/2 years. We've seen each other at most of our states.
And yet, he tells me today that i was "embarrassing" myself last night, which I don't feel is true.
I felt he was projecting.
So I asked if I did anything wrong:
"You were drunk, stumbling, annoying your cousins and I don't like seeing you like that."
"Fine. Is that all I did?"
"You disappeared and we couldn't find you for a while,"
"I was in the bathroom."

My issue:
I'm never embarrassed of him, so it hurts to hear that. Especially when he's done so much worse than I have! When I'm happily drunk, I get sick and go to bed. When my boy is, it's a different story.
We're talking licking shots off the floor, vomiting all over himself, falling asleep in fast food joints, in parking lots- none of it ever phased me. (We're not crazy like this anymore, disclaimer.)

I just feel like being drunk is such a sensitive state where true emotions come out.
And if he's embarrassed of me happy- what the hell does that mean?

Am I reading too much into this? I do that.
I mentioned our races because maybe it was culture shock and misunderstanding how my family communicates with each other?

[Crazy Hitch]

Regardless of whether or not others feel that you were embarrassing yourself, I completely disagree with this statement:

"I believe your true person is who you are when you're happily drunk."

When you're drunk, you lack insight, you make foolish decisions, you lack co-ordination, you can blackout ....

Sorry but none of those are my "true" state.

Your bf said:

"You were drunk, stumbling, annoying your cousins and I don't like seeing you like that."

Your response was:

"Fine. Is that all I did?"

I think you have an utter lack of awareness, responsibility and accountability for your actions.

I can understand your hurt.

I have been both the embarrassing (many years ago, pre-marriage) and the embarrassed partner when it comes to alcohol overuse.

My experience is when I've had quite a bit to drink (again past tense) I tend to think my jokes are the funniest things ever and my inhibitions go and so does my judgement. My partner has been the same and he has offended people in this state and not realised it (because of the judgement thing).

Personally I would take on board what was said to you, it might be he has a point. If he was being critical of your happy state when you had not been drinking that would be a different matter.

I definitely regret some of the things I have said and done while under the influence. The best thing about my attempt 2 years ago was that because of the shock, it motivated me to stop drinking for good. I was not an alcoholic and did not drink when my children were younger (partied a lot in college) but started drinking more when they were in high school. For many women, I think the following article best expresses why giving up drinking is for the best:

https://bewitchingkitchen.com/2016/1...cy-of-alcohol/

When we are already feeling happy, I think alcohol sort of magnifies the feeling. This is why there is so much drinking associated with celebrations. But it also damages our judgement and makes us less sensitive to others needs.

[divine1966]

I personally am concerned that you need to be drunk to have fun or feel happy. I am happy and have fun being sober. Do you consider your drinking habits a problem?

If you need to be drunk for true emotions to come out, then you are in the beginning stages of drinking problem and perhaps addiction.

Yes in general seeing ones partner drunk and stumbling is very embarrassing (let alone vomiting on themselves!!!!). Especially in front of families! It's understandable he was embarrassed.

You maybe thought that you appeared happy and cute having fun. But to outsiders (especially sober ones) drunk people don't appear cute at all. They in fact look and behave in a very embarrassing manner. So consider that your boyfriend wasn't embarrassed of you "happy" but of you "drunk"

[TishaBuv]

What his comment really meant is you were embarrassing him. You were not embarrassing yourself, because you were not embarrassed.

It sounds like you've both grown up some since worse drunken incidents.

If your cousins say you were annoying them, would you feel bad about your actions today? Then would your bf have a valid point, would you feel embarrassed?

I've felt embarrassed before of my h, I just shouldn't have said anything and just gotten over it, in hindsight.

If you feel your behavior was a minor infraction and you were having fun, just tell him to get over it.

I agree with what TishaBuv said; your boyfriend was embarrassed by your behavior and was shaming you for getting drunk. You were not embarrassed.

Whenever someone tells you, "you are embarrassing yourself" that really translates to "I am embarrassed by you."

Sounds like you two need to repeat your expectations to each other, where public socializing is concerned. Your boyfriend gets embarrassed by your heavy drinking. So you either need to accept that he will shame you after a night out of drinking, or change your behavior to not get as drunk.

I have a cousin who is a heavy drinker. His wife used to be embarrassed by his behavior when he drank, then she just accepted that is who her husband is. She stopped going out to the bar with him and always made sure he had a sober driver to take him home.

So, you will need to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that his shaming of you because of HIS embarrassment hurt your feelings. And if he has a problem with your drinking, he will have to accept you as you are if you are not going to compromise or change your behavior when drinking around him.

Really, I think your boyfriend is uptight and needs to stop caring so much about what other people think, especially if everyone was having a great time and no one was bothered by your drinking.

If your boyfriend can't get over himself, time to find a new boyfriend. He sounds controlling. That's a red flag of things to come. Just an fyi.

[thought_pool]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Regardless of whether or not others feel that you were embarrassing yourself, I completely disagree with this statement:

"I believe your true person is who you are when you're happily drunk."

When you're drunk, you lack insight, you make foolish decisions, you lack co-ordination, you can blackout ....

Sorry but none of those are my "true" state.

Your bf said:

"You were drunk, stumbling, annoying your cousins and I don't like seeing you like that."

Your response was:

"Fine. Is that all I did?"

I think you have an utter lack of awareness, responsibility and accountability for your actions.

Actually, I'm quite aware of myself, my responsibilities and my actions.
You weren't at the party, therefore you don't know what really happened or WHAT I did (which was nothing different than I usually do.)
Thanks for your very opinionated input!

[thought_pool]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I personally am concerned that you need to be drunk to have fun or feel happy. I am happy and have fun being sober. Do you consider your drinking habits a problem?

If you need to be drunk for true emotions to come out, then you are in the beginning stages of drinking problem and perhaps addiction.

Yes in general seeing ones partner drunk and stumbling is very embarrassing (let alone vomiting on themselves!!!!). Especially in front of families! It's understandable he was embarrassed.

You maybe thought that you appeared happy and cute having fun. But to outsiders (especially sober ones) drunk people don't appear cute at all. They in fact look and behave in a very embarrassing manner. So consider that your boyfriend wasn't embarrassed of you "happy" but of you "drunk"

I don't have to be drunk to be happy or have fun.
I didn't eat before I had a few drinks so, they hit pretty hard.
I don't believe every person that gets drunk is an alcoholic, haha.
No one else had an issue with me, it's just my boyfriend.

[thought_pool]

Update:
We talked it over because I didn't want him to be upset with me.
He said:
"You misunderstood and we didn't have time to talk about this in person, which is why I hate talking over text.
I'd never be embarrassed by you. I just didn't want you to hurt yourself, you get bruised so easily. You were falling everywhere."

Overreacting as usual, haha.
Thanks to the people with helpful replies!

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by thought_pool

Actually, I'm quite aware of myself, my responsibilities and my actions.
You weren't at the party, therefore you don't know what really happened or WHAT I did (which was nothing different than I usually do.)
Thanks for your very opinionated input!

You're right, I don't know what happened. I can merely surmise by what you stated when you said:

""You were drunk, stumbling, annoying your cousins and I don't like seeing you like that."

[Erebos]

I am glad you got things sorted with your bf. But sad that you don't think that enough of yourself that you need to be drunk to be fun around or have fun.
Anyway all the best, and TC.

[Bill3]

I believe your true person is who you are when you're happily drunk.
I'm loud, overprotective, friendly, a total schmooze- I love to have fun.

What interferes with you being your true person when sober?

I agree that drinking makes us more honest and it releases our true feelings, this is because drinking shuts down our mental breaks (scientifically, it is called the prefrontal cortex), and thus our animal and primitive instincts and blocked feelings surface. Maybe that is why people don't praise drinking, because we need our judgment to interact in an appropriate way with others, and this includes hiding our true feelings if they are hurtful and not appropriate.

Regarding the incident itself, I think it is OK to drink occasionally, and being drunk occasionally isn't the worst thing in the world, although maybe it is better not to drink to the point of being drunk. I personally feel freer when I drink, but I have never been drunk.

Good you have communicated with your BF and made things clear. This was the right thing to do.

[Quarter life]

Hi thought pool.

This thread is so interesting to me, as it highlights just how very much cultural perceptions differ.

I lived and worked in Japan for several years in the early 90's working side by side with my very serious, focused and dedicated peers. However...when the work day was over the majority of my colleagues would let off steam by clubbing and drinking...often to excess. This included female as well as male colleagues. I soon came to realise that this was very much a cultural thing with the Japanese...lots of silliness, fun and irresponsible behaviour with absolutely no shame. Come Monday morning everything was forgiven, and it was back to work as usual.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like the Indian social culture may be somewhat similar. I myself don't enjoy drinking to excess, but as long as no one was being hurt during these social outings, I was happy to feel included.

[divine1966]

It's understandable that people would be concerned about their loved ones being so drunk that they are "stumbling" and "falling all over" and might hurt themselves. Especially since it's a regular occurrence. It's dangerous (falling all over cant be that good). Plus heavy drinking damages internal organs (liver etc).

Also it's concerning that you believe you are only "true self"
when you are drunk. So why can't you be yourself sober? So you can't be true self when you are sober?

Also is your "true self" falling stymbling and vomiting on yourself and falling asleep in public place?

Have you Considered talking to a professional? Therapist or doctor?

[Fuzzybear]

[TishaBuv]

What drinking problem?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What drinking problem?

[thought_pool]

To everyone that thinks I have a drinking problem or thinks I have to drink to be myself, you're wrong and this is not what I was trying to get at, haha.
What Mr. Stranger described is EXACTLY what I was talking about. To the tee.
I don't drink often so please stop making assumptions.
This is a site for support, not judgement. So please ask the question before you form the idea.

[thought_pool]

Originally Posted by Quarter life

Hi thought pool.

This thread is so interesting to me, as it highlights just how very much cultural perceptions differ.

I lived and worked in Japan for several years in the early 90's working side by side with my very serious, focused and dedicated peers. However...when the work day was over the majority of my colleagues would let off steam by clubbing and drinking...often to excess. This included female as well as male colleagues. I soon came to realise that this was very much a cultural thing with the Japanese...lots of silliness, fun and irresponsible behaviour with absolutely no shame. Come Monday morning everything was forgiven, and it was back to work as usual.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like the Indian social culture may be somewhat similar. I myself don't enjoy drinking to excess, but as long as no one was being hurt during these social outings, I was happy to feel included.

You're exactly right! I had no idea the culture was similar in that way.
Thanks for sharing!