I Really Need Some Advice

Hello everyone I'm here today because I messed up and I really need some advice. A few months ago I slept with a friend of my wife and yesterday that friend told me that she is pregnant with my child and now I don't really know what I should do in this situation.

Does she /do you want the baby ?

I guess that question needs answered first.

Then you can address the cheating and guilt I would imagine you will have coming your way .

Hello Brokenmask94, welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit.

Wowza...that is quite the pickle to be in. Firstly, I'd tell your wife if she doesn't already know. She deserves to know and to be able to make the decision of whether or not she'd like to stay with you. Be prepared for a divorce because frankly, impregnating someone else is generally a deal breaker. Also be prepared to pay child support for this upcoming baby if she decides to keep it. I wish you the best, and hopefully this will deter you from making such a decision again.

First of all, it is entirely possible that there is no pregnancy and no baby. How many times did you sleep with this woman? If the answer is "once," then the odds are that she is lying. A woman who would sleep with her friend's husband is fully and totally capable of telling a big, fat lie.

So, I would say this:
1) Say nothing about this to your wife.
2) Stay completely away from this other woman, and just wait to see what she does next.

This woman, basically, just wants to break up your marriage. I don't know why, and that is not very important to know. Do you want to stay married to your wife? If you do, then ignore this woman completely. She is playing a head game with you - one of the oldest head games.

Even if this woman is pregnant, it's entirely possible that you are not the father. Assume nothing.

How many times did you sleep with her? Did you use protection?

If you only slept with her once and used uber duper protection, I call her bluff and the kid is not yours (even if she is pregnant).

I slept with her three times and it was protected sex two of those times.

I think that I will take your advice on your on this situation because it makes a lot of sense.

I hope things work out for you, Broken. It's possible that this whole situation may fade away, if you don't feed into it.

Well that sucks ... you reap what you sew and your wife will now likely find out, which IMHO, she should. Sorry!

I've been on the receiving end of your unfaithfulness (my ex husband cheated on me) and it hurts like hell.

The part that bothers me about your post is not that you're concerned that you cheated on your wife. it's that your wife's friend being pregnant and the prospects of having to deal with that are a bigger concern to you.

**amending my response**

I should have further elaborated my statement here. yes it's true that it seems that your original post didn't mention anything that was about how you stepped out on your spouse. So it brings to mind a few questions. I don't know if anyone can give any reasonable advice with the brief questions you posted.

You mentioned that you slept with your wife's friend and later mentioned a few times, but you have not stated as whether your wife knows, whether you want to fix that problem or if the pregnancy alone is what is bothering you.

Initially the way it's stated it makes me think that you're worried because your wife does not know of the adultery and she would or may find out due to the pregnancy.

So then the question remains what is your goal? Do you want to reconcile with your wife, do you want to patch your marriage, are you pursuing the friend, etc. What is your end goal because that would help to give people the information needed to advise you better.

if your wife does not know, that's first, if you want to keep your marriage, it needs to come out of the closet. Regardless of the consequences this has to happen. Worst case, she leaves you. Best case, you can find a way to move past it but you can't move past this without her knowing and your coming clean on it.

With the above having been taken care of the pregnancy itself will be a much easier thing to deal with since it won't be carrying the risk of being 'caught'. From there you can decide how you will deal with the pregnancy, your responsibilities, and the friend's choices going forward

People don't come to PC to be judged. This is a controversial issue and not everyone is going to feel sympathetic or helpful, but someone came here for help and advice. You're not helping. Everyone has the right to ask for help when they feel like they're in a bad situation, even if you don't agree with how the situation started.

yes you're probably right. I had intended to write more and posted without doing so. I can't remember what happened when I just wrote that part. But I amended my post.

For the record, I will be honest with people about their actions and don't ever feel that ignoring the elephant in the room will ever be what I call supportive of someone.

Like Rose suggested, I think the first thing you should do is confirm whether your friend is telling the truth. People do crazy things and break up marriages all the time, unfortunately. Once you figure that out, the situation might clear up a bit.

Regardless of what you find out about your friend saying she's pregnant, you should address why you cheated in the first place? It was more than once, so you can't just say it was a one-time accident and it's important to realize what led to that so you can address it.

Some questions to ask yourself are: 1)Are you happy with your marriage? 2) Are you happy with your relationship with your wife, but some of your needs aren't being met? 3) Is this a situation where you genuinely care about both your wife and the friend?

Definitely figure out whether your friend is actually pregnant, but take the time to address what led to the situation in the first place. Good luck.

This is pretty good advice and encompasses the problem from both sides.

My wife doesn't know that I cheated yet but I feel like I'm going to have to tell her soon because I ran into her friend earlier today and she threated to tell my wife what I did because I have been ignoring her for the past couple of days. I'm honestly very worried about how this going to affect my marriage because I do want to fix marriage but I'm just worried that I won't be able to do that if she finds out.

I'm going to find out the truth and I take your other advice.

You see what I'm saying. This woman is evil. Now she's blackmailing you. I'll bet you ten dollars to a donut she's not pregnant either. And your wife thought this woman was her "friend."

Keep totally ignoring the woman. Stay completely away from her. Does your wife hang around with her? If the answer is yes, then you probably do have to sit down and talk it out with your wife. Tell her that the both of you need to have nothing to do with this person. This woman is a low weasel. Your wife had poor judgement in keeping her around for a friend. And you had your own poor judgement.

Confess, if you must, and beg forgiveness. Then you and your wife will need to cut this woman completely off, if your marriage is to survive. Women can be very forgiving to a man who is sorry enough. You see now what this woman is up to. She's a destructive person. Your wife trusted her. You and your wife both can learn a lot here.

Ok not to be harsh but to be real with you, I understand being worried about how it will affect your marriage but whether you fess up or she finds out another way or never does, it does affect your marriage and avoiding telling her only causes the effect to be internal with you, as in, it will be in your heart and on your mind that you know you're deceiving her. Do you want that?

Truth is, if you really are honest, I feel like you want this to go away as if it did not happen, and have your life and marriage go on normally, but is this realistic? If you honestly want to fix this, you MUST come clean or there can be no reconciliation. You cannot have true reconciliation and repair of a marriage with deception at it's core.

If you wanted to avoid the effects of adultery on your marriage, and I know you know this, you should have avoided it in the first place. But you are where you are and the effects are there. No matter what, what was done has passed and there's no changing that. Moving forward, coming clean and then reconciling with your wife is the only way.

Have courage and be honest with your wife. If you love her you know she deserves to know.

Quite honestly, pregnancy being real or fake, the solution to this is to confess, imo. he should confess, not only for the reasons I mentioned above but to defuse the bomb that this other woman is carrying. What does she have to use against him if the wife has already been made aware of the affair?

It's fine to offer your suggestion but you shouldn't tell someone what they should or shouldn't do. Whatever we may think, it's HIS marriage and HIS relationship that HE is dealing with.

We've all made mistakes and sometimes we choose not to confront them until we're ready. Doesn't matter if you think you have moral high ground; This is ultimately a place where we should give advice and support, not judge and tell.

You contradict yourself by stating this is a place where advice and support should be given after saying we shouldn't tell anyone what to do. Exactly how does one give advice without actually telling someone what we think they should do?

I may be wrong but I assume your last statement was in response to mine. If you have a problem with anything I say or think it's not supportive or is disruptive and/or offensive please take it up with the admins and just report my post. Calling other posters out like this in the thread is also not supportive or productive to the op.

You're right that this isn't supportive to the OP's original issue, but I do feel that without someone pointing this out, the OP may feel judged and pressured. People should feel that they're given support from different angles and know that not everyone sees it one way.

The biggest thing is that some people use I statements or suggest what they would do in the situation. Most people are offering their suggestion, and leaving it fairly open ended. You've more than once stressed that he "must" and "should" do so and so and that's the only option that leads to a solution.

When it comes to relationships, I don't think anyone ever has a definitive answer as all relationships are unique and have their own nuances. I think it's most helpful to offer your thoughts and what you might do in the situation, but unhelpful to say what someone should/must do and that it's the only solution.

Anyways I'll leave it at that. We can all go back to the OP's issue now.

so you're calling me out for "how" I said things. This is all semantics. And at this point, I'm done talking about it.

First of all, tell your wife. I have (recently) been on the wife's side in a similar situation and if the other woman does tell her first I can almost guarantee that there is no way your wife would be willing to work things out so, if you truly want to make your marriage work, your wife needs to come first. Will she stay with you? Who knows BUT she deserves to know. Then you can tackle the pregnancy issue. First and foremost though, you need to take away this woman's power over you.

I would not wait to see if the friend tells your wife first. Even if she's not really pregnant. You to still had an affair and that alone will hurt your wife. If it were me....I would rather my husband come to me. Than to find out from the cheating friend. Just "my opinion". Best of luck. We all make bad decisions. Now you need to start over fresh