Am I being unreasonable?

Just after some honest advice...

So my ex-husband and I have been separated for over a year now and he has recently started seeing someone else. This new woman finds it very strange that he and I still have joint finances, including investment properties (one of which he is currently living in). She told him that she can't be with someone who is still attached like that to his ex. She finds the whole situation odd.

I can understand that, but however, she also doesn't have permanent residency in Australia (comes from a large Italian family all currently living together in one mansion, also has 2 kids). She does not have a job as her psychology degree in Italy is not recognised here in Australia. They have already been speaking about marriage only after knowing each other for 1 month!! For me there are so many red flags.

I think she is just after security to have a man provide for her financially and her kids and she isn't comfortable with the fact that my ex and I are still very amicable. We also have two young children together which is why we ensure that our relationship stays this way.

What are your thoughts on this situation? I'm upset that a stranger is already trying to lay ground rules in a subtle way and interfering in a 12 year long relationship and marriage that has only recently ended.

Am I over reacting? I'm such a mess right now. Part of me wants to be a cow and hold off on agreeing to a divorce and speaprating finances just to spite her and so she doesn't get her own way. But at the same time that is not good for myself. My ex and I agreed last year that there was no rush to do this. Funny how it only takes some one to come along and dictate what they want and men will just go along with it!

I should also add that the3 house my ex is in wads our family home. So there is still 'evidence' that I used to live there, eg photos...

No I don't think you're being unreasonable.

If they'd been in a steady, long standing and committed relationship, different story.

Sounds like a gold digger to me.

.What is your concern about his new plan to separate finances and, I suppose, get a divorce?

No, I don't think it's unreasonable.. after all, your husband IS taking part in all of this, it's not like you're forcing him to. It will be up to him to make his final decision..

See that's the thing. In a way I don't think I have accepted that my marriage is over, despite me being in a relationship with someone else (a woman). I guess it still hurts as we were together such a long time (a third of our lives) and we were each others first serious relationship. Going through a divorce and separating finances really spells out the finale.

I'm just still in denial I guess. On the other hand, my new partner would appreciate if I was actually divorced and not still married. I know these things bother her too. I want to do it but I just have concerns, especially when our children are involved.

I'm trying to move on, it's just so hard.

I'm so sorry, Catgirl26.



(((((Catgirl26)))))

You have every right and responsibility to make sure that your children are cared for as well as possible. It sounds like your perception of the new woman is coloured by reasonable concerns about how your children will fare if a divorce occurs, she becomes their stepmother, and your financial connections with your husband are dissolved.

But it sounds like your pain comes from from more than concerns about your children. It sounds like you still have a strong emotional connection to him, and it is therefore so painful to realise that he might have found someone to move on with.

I'm so sorry for your pain, Catgirl26.

Thanks Bill3. You are spot on. If there weren't children I probably wouldn't feel as hurt as this and concerned. It is so hard to see the person you loved moving on with their life, even though I am doing the same thing. I guess I just never thought this would ever happen. I am definitely in the grieving process, that's for sure. Everything just seems so surreal and scary.

But I do have a genuine fear and doubt about this new woman, not just becvause she is with my ex-husband, but because of her interest in finances and talk of marriage so early on. Apparetnly her family is very traditional and conservative, hence the push for marriage within the next couple of years, but my gut feeling says there is another reason......

Thanks for your post Catgirl26.



Have you thought about how best to approach the situation with your husband?

It sounds like your partner is being kind and supportive and patient in facing a situation that is difficult for her but is exceedingly difficult for you.

First her saying she can't be with someone who still shares finances with his ex, isn't reasonable, but that being said, it's between them. it is actually quite odd to remain in joint bank account with someone that clearly you dont' want to share anything else in your life with.. I'm actually asking the same question, why are you keeping finances together?

What does any of this have to do with you? When you separated, you opted out of having any say in his choice of mate. If he wants to marry a beggar off the street, by separating from him you gave up the rights to object. He's your ex. Not sure why you're scrutinizing what type of woman he chose really.

more of the same questions arise here. Why are you concerned here? It seems to me you still want to stake a claim on being able to scrutinize his life. Again, you dont' want to share a bed, home, and life with this man, but you want to have a say in his choice of women. Let it go.

the bold faced portion is kind of telling. You want to be independent of him in almost all ways but you want to keep him on a string, or so it seems by this statement. You feel he should pick someone that's going to accept your oddly linked life with your ex, and to be honest, almost all women and men that date a person who's divorced or separated are not going to accept this.

Seems even though you, on the surface, have let your husband go, you actually haven't completely. The jealous reaction speaks volumes.

Thank you for your honesty. I guess the underlying cause of this for me is that I still love him very much, but he no longer loves me the same way. I'm really concerned too about our children and where they stand in all of this. I don't want another woman sponging off my ex at the expense of my children. If we didn't have kids together I feel that it would be so much easier to move on, but for some reason this whole situation is really getting to me.

You are right though, it is unusual to keep joint assets. I guess we were just having a slow transition, and financially it was easier just to keep things as they are for now. Separating financially is stressful, and neither of us were us for that last year.

Thank you for elaborating. This is a facet of the situation that you had left out, although your words kind of alluded to the idea that you still cared for him. So I take it the divorce isn't entirely mutual in the first place and you're probably still reeling from the effects that your spouse doesn't want to be with you anymore. Trust me, I know how this feels. Even from a bad marriage where my wife left me, I still felt the effects of being left. I get that.

I won't emphasize the importance of severing ties again. I know you realize this and I also know this is hard enough as it is.

It's going to take some time, considering you care about him, to get over things and be stronger. be patient with yourself and focus on you and your kids... do things you couldn't or wouldn't have when you were together with them, and by yourself. Find your independence and strength on your own.

This woman's complaints for you are just noise. If it was your ex telling you these things, kindly tell him that you're no longer together and that her opinions and thoughts are not welcome. keep your conversations objective, about necessary things and for now at least, don't try to be friends. Doesn't have to be animosity between you but it doesn't need to be anything more than just cordial and necessary. Things such as when the kids are with you and when they have events that both of yo should attend etc. Outside of that, every other conversation should be avoided. AT some point I'm sure normal friendly conversation can happen but it's too soon for that, and I think separations and divorces ought to be followed by a time of silence between the partners.

lastly this part:

as I said, where your children are concerned, you do have a say in the matter but I don't see evidence at this point where the concern for the children is based on anything real yet. I mean if she's doing anything that affects the well being of your kids, by all means you have the right to say something and ask him to do something about it. but right now that's just future assumption on your part and there is no way to know whether this will be the case. Don't let things that are "what ifs" cloud your judgment on how you go through this already tough situation.

You should come up with a plan to split your finances from your ex, regardless of his current relationship situation is. It's just not a sustainable situation in the long run for you to have your finances co-mingled. And it's better to start the process now (doesn't have to be a sudden/drastic thing) when you are getting along well. If he contacts a lawyer for whatever reason, you could easily end up getting hurt financially in a VERY big way. I would contact a lawyer if I were you, learn your options, and what risks inaction are leaving you open for, and what you can do to mitigate them. And for your kids sake if your lawyer suggests that you screw over your ex, tell them politely that you want to be fair, and not do anything to create unnecessary bad feelings with your ex.

But you want to be the one who is controlling the agenda on how your finances will be separated, you really don't want your ex's girlfriend be the driving force behind this. And face it, it's going to happen at some point, better to control the situation than have it control you.

Thanks guys, there is a lot of sensible advice. I guess right now I am letting my emotions rule me. The agree to split was mutual but it doesn't stop the pain as such. I have been in denial for the past year since we have been separated but he has processed this and accepted it long before I have.

I still keep thinking about all the 'what ifs' which I know isn't good. but I cant seem to stop it.

What do you do to try to stop it?

Another approach would be to not try to stop it, but rather to acknowledge and accept that these thoughts are still part of you. You could acknowledge them in a sort of friendly way by saying to yourself "Oh, there are those thoughts again!" without judging yourself. These thoughts are just there for now, but you can go ahead with your day regardless. You could acknowledge nonjudgmentally the presence of these thoughts, but continue to maintain and follow through on your plans and commitments.