Relationship Issues

Hello. I have been dating my current boyfriend for 5 years now. He has 2 children and I have 1 child. We do not live together. He is currently working on opening a new business and I talked to him about my daughter and I going on a cruise together. He didn't like that and said that it wouldn't be fair that I go away with my daughter on a trip when he can't take a trip with his kids because of financial reasons and that he's sacrificing time and money to build this business "for us" and that by me doing that it shows no sacrifice on my part. That whenever there are trips all 5 of us should go not just me and my kid. Do you guys agree with this?? It has become a huge argument.

Well... personally I think a lot of this depends on where the relationship is going. You refer to this man as your bf. Yes, the two of you have been dating for 5 years. But, presumably, you're not necessarily in a permanent relationship. At least not yet. You wrote that the two of you don't live together. I presume your bf is not supporting you & your daughter financially. So I personally see no reason, under those circumstances, why you & your daughter should not take a trip together whenever you choose to.

On the other hand, you mentioned your bf feels he is sacrificing time & money to build a business "for us". If that, in fact, is the case & the plan is for the two of you to blend your two families & live in-whole or in-part on the proceeds of the business, then yes I can see your bf's point. (There is, from my perspective, a "symbolic" consideration to be taken into account here.) That doesn't mean you & your daughter shouldn't take a trip together. Regardless of anything, you're mother & daughter. And getting away, just the two of you, is perfectly appropriate. But I do think it means that, if this business is in fact being built "for the two of you" as your bf contends, your trip with your daughter should be arranged in consultation with your bf.

So I guess what I'm saying is that the answer to your question really depends on where the relationship with your bf is at & what the intentions are surrounding this business he's building. Perhaps the fact that this disagreement has become "a huge argument" is an indication that you & your bf are not exactly on the same page, so to speak, with regard to the nature of your relationship. Or, in the alternative, it may suggest that your bf lacks a certain perspective with regard to the fact that although you & he may be a couple, you & your daughter share a relationship that is, & will remain, to some extent separate from your relationship with your bf. The same is true of your bf's relationship with his two children. Even if you & he eventually blend your families, he will still have a relationship with his two kids that is separate. At least to my mind, it cannot be otherwise. Hopefully successfully negotiating a compromise to this disagreement can help to clarify what it is that is going on here & help the two of you to grow as a couple. I wish you well...

Well he does say it's being built for all of us but he doesn't agree that I take my daughter on a trip because he feels it isn't fair to him since he's not in a position to do that with his kids. We've talked about it and we just keep arguing about it.

He says he's doing it for all of us and I did talk to him about the trip but he says that it's going to cause issues between us because he doesn't agree that I should be going on trips with my daughter while he's trying to work for us and he can't do that with his kids because of his financial situation. He said that since I'm more financiallly stable at the moment then I should pay for a trip for him and his kids to take so he can feel the support from my part (mind you I've been there for him in many times of need and continue to do so). He's just stuck in the fact that it's not fair to him and has also stated that whatever I do with or buy for my daughter I should do the same with or for his kids? Part of me doesn't agree because we are not a family yet.

Well I do believe if you are together, then you should be going together for a trip and if he doesn't have the finance then you should wait for the right time. Going for a cruise trip with your daughter alone, seems a bit selfish. How would you feel if he did the same to you?

Could you please describe the relationship with your "current" boyfriend further?

What has been done for vacation time during the past five years?

It depends ....

Do you have joint finances? Are you both responsible for the mortage / rent / electricity etc etc? If you are then well maybe you should try all go on a holiday somewhere together ... ?

I'd need more of an idea of how you two distribute finances etc., if you're both working, if he earns more ...

It's a tough one to answer without knowing the background.

Part of me feels that it can be a little selfish but my daughter is 13 and she keeps asking for her and I to take a trip together. A mom and daughter trip. And honestly I want to please her plus we're very close. I explained that maybe we should all go together and she's said that why can't it just be me and her, that why do we always have to do everything all 5 of us. I think I wouldn't mind it if he did that with his kids as long as it didnt become something that he does on a regular basis. I personally wouldn't do it all the time but I'm just telling him I want to do this with her this summer.

My wife has done such a trip with our daughter on several special occasions over the years.

I think the trip is a lovely idea!!

Wish I could do that for my daughter, she's 13 too.

Part of me agrees that it can be a bit selfish but at the same time my daughter is asking for her and I to take a trip together so I want to do that for her at the same time. When I have explained to her that we should all go together and wait until we can all go at the same time she just say's that why do we always have to do things together, that why can't ever just have a trip the two of us. It kind of makes me feel bad. We have a close relationship since we've been on our own for 10 years now.

I feel that it's a little different when you have kids together than when each person has their own kids. I'm sure if my bf and I had kids together it wouldn't be an issue. He has an issue because he sees that I do things with my daughter while his kids just have to stay home because at the moment he's not financially stable.

Yeah I think it's a nice thing. I wouldn't have a problem if he went with his kids but he doesn't agree.

I'm a bit surprised that a 13 year old girl would be this enthused about going on a cruise. But I see no reason at all why your daughter and you shouldn't do this together. Not going wouldn't help your boyfriend's business. He is being too controlling.

Until such time as all 5 of you live together in one home, if that time does ever come, you are two separate families. Right now you have a bigger responsibility to your daughter than to this boyfriend. It sounds like she needs some one on one time with you.

This business that he is building is really nothing to do with you, until you and this man are married. Is there some reason why, after 5 years, you two are still living separately?

I see no obligation to wait for him to have his financial shyt together and go as a blended family.

As you so nicely pointed out, you guys are not an official family. Yet.

If his boys feel put out because they don't get a cruise, well then they need to take that up with their parents...

I don't see this cruise as unfair at all, what I do see is not going is unnecessarily unfair toward your daughter.

Why should she be deprived because of your bf's financial status? And yes, why should it always have to be all five of you?

Her logic is sound.

You are not married to this man, and I find it rather immature and cruel that he is so comfortable with depriving YOUR daughter of a mother - daughter cruise, just because HE can't afford to take HIS sons.

Also the emotional blackmail (I'm making sacrifices for us blah blah blah) that's manipulative, controlling and immature.

I'm sorry but I would not let anyone dictate to me how I should spend my time or my money, especially not if it has to do with my child.

If my bf tried that I would tell him to go fly a kite. (but he's a sweetheart, and wouldn't dream of trying to control time with my daughter)....

Idk, seems like you know the truth, you know you're not being selfish or unreasonable, but you also seem willing to bend to his will and accept his perspective over your own, to keep the peace.

I can't tell you what to do, just sharing what I would, were I ever in your shoes.

I agree with the posters Rose and Trippin2.0.

From the way you describe your boyfriend, he sounds like he's very controlling and likes to use guilt trips to shame and manipulate with. Common tools and traits of narcissist personalities: "I'm doing this for us," "you are selfish," etc.

Mother-daughter trips are very common and there's nothing abnormal or selfish about taking those types of trips. Women take trips without their husbands, and husbands take trips without their wives, siblings take trips with cousins, cousins take trips without parents, etc.

I don't see how you are obligated to wait for your boyfriend to get his finances together. My gut tells me, his finances will always be an issue between you two, because it's a way he can control you (with the shaming and guilt tripping). His kids are not your responsibility, no matter what. If they have to stay home because he has no money that's on him. That's not something he is allowed to guilt you about because your finances are just fine.

Definitely take the trip with your daughter. And...use that cruise as a time to really think about if this is the type of man you want to be married to eventually. If you don't see the 5 year relationship headed towards marriage, then now would be the time to cut loose from him and his children. But if you two have discussed marriage, then you need to remind him about two things: boundaries and personal space.

Boundaries: He has no right to tell you what to do, about anything. That means, he cannot dictate to you how you live your life as his girlfriend, or as a single mother.

Personal space: Couples (married or not) deserve to have personal space away from each other. Narcissists like to take away that personal space because they are so insecure, they will feel threatened if their partner wants to do things on their own, without the narcissist.

I don't know if your boyfriend is a narcissist, but the way you describe his reaction to your mother-daughter trip idea, tells me that he is. If he wasn't a narcissist he wouldn't feel threatened by your need for boundaries, personal space, and independence. You have every right to take a mother-daughter trip separate from your relationship with this man. No one -- especially your boyfriend -- gets to dictate what choices you make for yourself and for your child.

He does not get to dictate to you what you do, as his girlfriend and as a single parent. And if/when he dictates to you, you have two choices; set firm boundaries and say "no, you don't get to dictate my choices to me," or cave-in, let him manipulate you into not taking the trip and disappoint your daughter (which sends her the message that her emotional needs aren't as important to you, as your boyfriend's emotional needs are). So, he's interfering with your relationship with your daughter, which has no no right to do. He is trying to compete with your daughter, for your attention, rather than respect your personal space, your boundaries and your role as a single mother.

Go on the cruise with your daughter. Have a good time. And tell your boyfriend he can accept it, support it, and respect you. Or, you can break up with him. Because he's shown you for the past 5 years, that he wants to be the one who calls the shots, as he's doing now.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who wants to control you, minimize your daughter's importance in your life, minimizes your feelings, minimizes your daughter's feelings, and compete with your daughter for your attention because he wants to be the one in charge, calling the shots all the time?! It doesn't seem like your relationship with this man has very healthy boundaries, if he's going to throw a tantrum and try to belittle you for wanting to spend time with your daughter on a cruise that is none of his business. That doesn't sound like a very stable, mature man to me.

If he really truly respected you and your daughter and had healthy boundaries, he wouldn't project his shame about his finances and his inability to take his sons on trips...on you, which is also what I think he's doing. If he really respected you and your daughter, he'd wish you both a happy mother-daughter vacation, support you and be excited to hear about your trip when you two return. That is the type of man you deserve to be with.

Your daughter will only be a child for so long. I would definitely take the trip just the two of you. If you are not engaged to your boyfriend I don't think he should have anything to say about it.

I completely agree with cielpur.

You can help him and his kids learn an important life lesson: Sometimes others get to do good things that we don't get to do. When that happens, we should be happy for the other people. We should not harbor envy and we should not try to stop the other people from doing good things.

Amen!!!!

HA! Tell him when you have a ring on your finger and a marriage license then that business will be "for us" - until then you and your daughter have a wonderful time on your cruise.