[Poetryj]

Hi guys!

I'm hoping to hear advice and opinions on a situation I am having.
I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 years. We are in a serious relationship. In the beginning we had a serious issue. My girlfriend was used to a lifestyle surrounded with drugs. Ecstasy but mainly coke. When getting serious, about 5 months in I told her how strongly I felt about the use of coke. I have a strong opinion on drugs and it is something I won't want around in a relationship specially for my partner to do. I asked for her to stop doing drugs. I had a previous background of occasionally smoking weed. In return, she asked of me to stop too so we both did.

This is a subject we never talk about. About a year ago I asked her if she missed drugs. She responded saying normal, she doesn't want it but ocassionaly thinks about it. This is something that has been bothering me for so long because of my paranoia but never talk about.

Last week I asked her if she's done it with her close friend that regularly does it. I asked if Drugs have ever been brought to our apartment. She said no. But I asked, and she did admit to talking about it with her friend, admitting that she misses it and she would want to do it. She says she has to keep that from me because she knows how strongly I feel about drugs, so she can not talk about that in front of me. I am not mad at her. I am glad she was able to tell me the truth. But ever since having this conversation with her I've been extremely sad and feeling down because I thought for so long she didn't think about it, she didn't want anything to do with that lifestyle until now.

Now I find out she still craves it. And the reason she stopped was to make our relationship work, not because she's over it. I do give her credit for being good to me. I can not change who she is, what she thinks of... but it is a lot for me to take in. But she thinks I am being extremely dramatic about it. I tried talking about it to her and she always makes comments saying it is not the end of the world and that she hasn't done it. Which yes, this is true. But is it okay for me to feel concerned, scared, and sad as bad as I am? I am very serious about her at the moment and finding this out sort of crushed me...
I am trying to let it go but I am just hurt. Is it okay for me to feel the way I am feeling?

[Bill3]

But is it okay for me to feel concerned, scared, and sad as bad as I am? I am very serious about her at the moment and finding this out sort of crushed me...

Of course it is a source of worry and concern to learn that a person who you thought for four years had lost interest in drugs turns out to still be interested after all. This would be a source of concern, I would think, no matter how strongly you yourself felt about drugs. Still, it seems that she has not been using. Many people have all sorts of thoughts in a relationship, but do not act upon them.

She says she has to keep that from me because she knows how strongly I feel about drugs, so she can not talk about that in front of me.

I see this as a problem. It isn't healthy if important topics are thought to be off limits for discussion in a serious relationship.

I wonder if you would be able to discuss drugs with her nonjudgmentally so as to learn how she honestly thinks and feels and what is on her mind, and so as to help her continue to find ways to make healthy choices. Right now, she seems to believe that she will be judged and perhaps rejected if she talks about it with you.

[Crazy Hitch]

I absolutely admire your girlfriend's courage to give up her drug habit and build a healthy relationship. What an awesome thing to do; and a testimony of her commitment to you!

And I think it's completely normal that she would have flashbacks. And good for her for talking to her friend about it. I think that's great! We all need an ear to listen to us sometimes.

Originally Posted by Poetryj

Now I find out she still craves it. And the reason she stopped was to make our relationship work, not because she's over it. I do give her credit for being good to me. I can not change who she is, what she thinks of... but it is a lot for me to take in. But she thinks I am being extremely dramatic about it. I tried talking about it to her and she always makes comments saying it is not the end of the world and that she hasn't done it. Which yes, this is true. But is it okay for me to feel concerned, scared, and sad as bad as I am? I am very serious about her at the moment and finding this out sort of crushed me...
I am trying to let it go but I am just hurt. Is it okay for me to feel the way I am feeling?

Having occassional cravings sounds normal. In my experience (alcohol), the longer you have stopped taking it, the less often you will think about it. She is lucky to have a partner who keeps her on the straight and narrow. If you were a user, she might find it impossible to kick a drug habit that can eventually cause a lot of damage (heart health, etc). Sometimes people's emotional reactions are unpleasant but if you can keep talking about it with her, maybe you can get to the point where you can get those feelings out (and then the negative feelings will be mostly gone). Sometimes other people's pain is unpleasant but a good partner will listen--if not during the first talk then maybe during a 2nd or 3rd talk. I have learned that it is not good to bury/hide my feelings from my partner--they end up growing into something in the back of your mind that is more extreme than reality! It is OK to feel hurt, our feelings just are. Perhaps she was also a bit emotional during the discussion. When you talk to her again, perhaps include thanking her for giving up her drug habit and tell her that your glad she's stopped because you want her around for a very long time. Whenever you can, think of at least one positive thing to say if you need to tell your partner something negative.....

[Poetryj]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Of course it is a source of worry and concern to learn that a person who you thought for four years had lost interest in drugs turns out to still be interested after all. This would be a source of concern, I would think, no matter how strongly you yourself felt about drugs. Still, it seems that she has not been using. Many people have all sorts of thoughts in a relationship, but do not act upon them.

I see this as a problem. It isn't healthy if important topics are thought to be off limits for discussion in a serious relationship.

I wonder if you would be able to discuss drugs with her nonjudgmentally so as to learn how she honestly thinks and feels and what is on her mind, and so as to help her continue to find ways to make healthy choices. Right now, she seems to believe that she will be
and perhaps rejected if she talks about it with you.

Thanks for the advice and for taking the time to read this post!
As much as I would want our conversations to consist of me guiding her to keep making good choices, talking about it would be like the conversations she has with her friend which is how much she misses it, and how bad she would want to do it and feel that feeling again. She knows how I feel about it, and me continuing to put pressure and say I would want her to continue doing good by me will seem like I am still trying to control her and I know she will take in a bad way. (She has a very strong character, telling her a concern twice will lead to an argument) and I wouldn't want her to feel that way. I know I've been pretty hard on the issue. And more than anything i want to give her that trust for her to be able to talk to me i just don't know how to react to her "I want to, I miss.." comments.

[Poetryj]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I absolutely admire your girlfriend's courage to give up her drug habit and build a healthy relationship. What an awesome thing to do; and a testimony of her commitment to you!

And I think it's completely normal that she would have flashbacks. And good for her for talking to her friend about it. I think that's great! We all need an ear to listen to us sometimes.

Thanks for listening!

[Poetryj]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Having occassional cravings sounds normal. In my experience (alcohol), the longer you have stopped taking it, the less often you will think about it. She is lucky to have a partner who keeps her on the straight and narrow. If you were a user, she might find it impossible to kick a drug habit that can eventually cause a lot of damage (heart health, etc). Sometimes people's emotional reactions are unpleasant but if you can keep talking about it with her, maybe you can get to the point where you can get those feelings out (and then the negative feelings will be mostly gone). Sometimes other people's pain is unpleasant but a good partner will listen--if not during the first talk then maybe during a 2nd or 3rd talk. I have learned that it is not good to bury/hide my feelings from my partner--they end up growing into something in the back of your mind that is more extreme than reality! It is OK to feel hurt, our feelings just are. Perhaps she was also a bit emotional during the discussion. When you talk to her again, perhaps include thanking her for giving up her drug habit and tell her that your glad she's stopped because you want her around for a very long time. Whenever you can, think of at least one positive thing to say if you need to tell your partner something negative.....

Thank you reading and taking the time to response! Maybe from your experience you can help... yes for a fact she wouldn't have stopped using drugs if it wasn't for me. The problem is that she sees NOTHING wrong with it every so often. She sees it as fun times. And that makes me feel she will always be that person that thinks about it and wants it. I came to terms with the fact that I can not change a person if they themselves do not want to change. Yes she stopped but not because she wanted to 100% she felt forced from me. And if you leave it up to her she would be okay with using drugs. That is were our disagreement takes place I can not change how she thinks and that just makes me feel the needs somebody else by her side, someone that is different and will accept her with whatever lifestyle she wants.

[Bill3]

That is were our disagreement takes place I can not change how she thinks and that just makes me feel the needs somebody else by her side, someone that is different and will accept her with whatever lifestyle she wants.

This is quite possible.

And more than anything i want to give her that trust for her to be able to talk to me i just don't know how to react to her "I want to, I miss.." comments.

Here is how you can react if you so choose.

In "reflective listening", listeners do not take positions on what the other person is saying. Instead, what they do is acknowledge what was said and show that they understand it, without judging it.

So for example, if she were to say: "I really miss drugs."

A reflective listener might say "It sounds like the yearning for drugs is particularly strong right now."

This response does not say that the yearning is good or bad. The response just acknowledges the yearning, without judging it one way or the other, and proves that the listener understands what is being said. In other words, communication has taken place. The speaker knows that she has been understood without being judged. She is not alone with her thoughts, yearnings, emotions. And, no one is trying to impose conclusions on her. She has a safe connection with the listener.

To use this approach, you would need to be willing (during the conversation) to let go of your judgments about drugs. This definitely does not mean that now you are okay with drugs. What it means is that you are making your goal to be listening to her without judgment, rather than trying to influence her not to use.

What is your reaction to this approach?

[Patagonia]

You've stated that you've been with your GF for 4 yrs. Then5 months into it you both got serious. You asked her to stop & she asked you to stop.
So what I read here is that you've both been clean for over 3 yrs??? Is this correct?
For some people an addiction never fully goes away. I have a family member who's been clean of H for 12 yrs & craves it every day.
If her soul reason to stop is just based on you....I see resentment rearing its head in the future. Your GF needs to stop for herself & no one else.