Partner with a temper

Here are two propositions:

1. My family intrudes on my personal decisions.
2. My boyfriend has an anger problem.

It seems quite possible that BOTH of these propositions are true.

Therefore, even as you resent and resist your family's intrusions, ALSO support, encourage, and insist upon treatment of his anger.

No matter what the cause, no matter how difficult your family may be, it is not acceptable, in my view, to take things out on you by carrying anger, and giving silent treatments, for the rest of the day and even into the next day(s).

Thank you for sharing information about your son. It must have been difficult and I am happy that he was able to come to a place where he is calm and communicative.

I do not believe that it is abuse but I do think it is a difficult trait to deal with. I would like to believe that it can be improved upon with his effort and myself setting stronger boundaries.

I have spent time with some of his friends but I have not tried to make very many of my own friends. I think I have Been really closed off to new people. I am slow to warm up to people and I had many close friends in my home state I still talk to every day. I have been talking this current issue through with several of my friends.

Chronically angry people develop what's called "negative neuroplasticity." What it is, is the negative person has trained their brain to respond negatively (in anger) to everything happening in their life. They think, feel, and react in anger (sometimes paranoid rage) to everything, no matter what it is. Generally, people like this overreact a lot, are easily triggered into anger, have major trust issues, and are suspicious of everyone (which they have a hard time admitting to their relationship partner).

Also, people with anger issues are extremely charming and manipulative. Calm on the surface until an explosion of anger erupts, and then they go into silent treatment mode to punish the target of their anger. I know this, because the last significant relationship I had was with a guy who loved to use the silent treatment with me whenever he was angry at me; as a way to emotionally abuse and manipulate me.

Brain science is interesting in what it can reveal about why people think and act the way that they do.

It sounds like your boyfriend needs some help controlling his anger. And, I hate to say this, but it's very naive of you to think that your boyfriend's anger will never escalate to the point where he won't physically harm you.

You need to evaluate this relationship, to see if it brings you any benefits emotionally and psychologically. Living with someone who has chronic anger problems, is akin to walking on eggshells constantly because anger issues, left unchecked, are a form of abuse. That may be hard for you to accept and digest. But anger issues are tied to deeper psychological problems in the person.

I agree with this. Anger is often a defense mechanism.

For example: A person applies for a job and does nor get the job. This particular person might feel humiliation, shame, rejection, helplessness at their lack of success. If such feelings tend to become too painful to tolerate, anger can arise to cover up those feelings.

A good therapist would be aware of this. She might try to uncover and address the underlying issues that give rise to such intense feelings. She might try to help the person gain strength so as to deal with feelings that arise after setbacks, such that the anger can be controlled.

There could also be gender issues involved. A guy might feel emasculated if he does not get his way with his partner. Here, your boyfriend could feel emasculated due to the interventions of family members. The felt shame connected with feeling emasculated could well be covered up by anger. A good therapist would be aware of this possibility as well.

This list is for Olive. Which category of anger describes your boyfriend's?

Chronic anger, which is prolonged, can impact the immune system and be the cause of other mental disorders.

Passive anger, which doesn’t always come across as anger and can be difficult to identify.

Overwhelmed anger, which is caused by life demands that are too much for an individual to cope with.

Self-inflicted anger, which is directed toward the self and may be caused by feelings of guilt.

Judgmental anger, which is directed toward others and may come with feelings of resentment.

Volatile anger, which involves sometimes-spontaneous bouts of excessive or violent anger.

There are anger management programs that your boyfriend could participate in, in your city, to help him determine the root cause of his anger problems. That will benefit both him, and you in your relationship. Otherwise, if left unchecked, his anger problem will only get worse and continue to interfere with your relationship with your family, your friends, etc.,.

His type of anger is most closely described as overwhelmed anger. The same stimuli can cause him to be angry one day and not angry a week later. If he is overwhelmed with life's stressors he is more likely to get angry. What do you know about this specific type of anger?

He can also be passive in the way that his anger typically looks like whithdral- the silent treatment, not wanting to do anything. It typically lasts for several hours.

He has said that his anger has improved over time already. Do you believe that it would only get worse if he does not actively try to work on it? As opposed to staying the same.

Anger can damage the person's mental and physical health. As the poster Bill3 pointed out in his response; anger is a coping mechanism. If your family is overwhelming your boyfriend's time, imposing on him (which is what it sounds like from what you wrote), I think I'd snap at them too.

So, that makes me think, that both you and your boyfriend need to team together and impose much stricter boundaries with your overbearing family members, whose intentions may or may not be genuine, because their imposition could eventually destroy the trust between you and your boyfriend as resentment builds. He will resent you for not being stronger around them when your family members impose on your time and his time, and you will feel like a victim of "who do I please more: my boyfriend or my family?" This is just based on what you've written.

Do you think you may have codependency issues at all? Codependent people tend to have weaker boundaries, because they are the caretakers, the scapegoats, the perfectionists. If you've done everything that your family has told you to do; what school to attend, what major to choose, then I think you need to also address that issue with yourself. Why do you allow them to continue to tell you (and now your boyfriend) what to do, and how to live your lives?

Since your boyfriend's anger is passive and overwhelmed, I think he could benefit from seeing an anger specialist, because he can learn to replace his angry responses with other emotional responses to situations as they arise.

And yes, anger does get worse if what's causing it, (the root cause, usually from the family of origin), isn't addressed and repaired. Staying the same for him (and for you) is unhealthy both mentally and physically.

What other issues (if any) besides your family has aroused his anger?

Since I have moved in with him (2 1/2 months ago) he has been angry two other times. The first one was after I was on edge and snippy during the week we drove across country for my move. He told me calmly several times my attitude bothered him. He got angry with me my first night completely moved into our new place together. He drove most of the way there, and prepared a nice moving in gift for me and made me dinner and I was still upset and crying. He took my snippiness and crying personally and got upset and we didn't talk for several hours. I was upset from the move and he later apologized to me because it was not fair for him to be angry my first night when emotions were high and my crying was not about him. I also apologized for being snippy all week.

Another time was when I raised my voice and said something he deemed insulting. I apologized immedietly after but he still did not speak to me for an hour.

Then it sounds like his anger arises primarily in connection with your family.

That makes sense. He is a different racial background than me and most of my family has been discriminatory for him based off of that fact alone, before they even met him. Now that they have finally accepted him (it took a year) he is wondering if they were looking for any reason to dislike him.

So he got mad while you two where moving in together?

Maybe you were snippy but did his reaction match the situation?

Yes. For reference we lived together before we moved across country together so it was not the first time moving in.

I don't think his reaction matched the situation and neither does he which is why he apologized. I don't think his emotions are always wrong but I do see his reactions/ behaviors as unhealthy.

I suppose he could work on behavior.

cielpur:
Volatile anger, which involves sometimes-spontaneous bouts of excessive or violent anger.

Interesting list: I didnt really think about the fact that there were so many kinds of anger. I think my wife is the volatile type, although she also tends to have a chronic simmering resentment toward people who don't worship her.

I'm clipping this as the concerns on this forum grow. This, less than once a month, to me, resembles nothing that I endured with my exh.

I find that when I'm more involved with things that interest me and have friends that I can meet up with, I'm less prone to emeshment with whatever emotions that are engulfing my own so. Not that I'm not sensitive/aware/in tune with what he has going on for himself, at the same time, my day isn't made or broken over it. I spent much time in my own therapy work and self help learning to untangle myself from my own overbearing childhood into adulthood and untangling myself from quite the emeshed and abusive marriage. The word boundaries is elusive on the surface because it's not really about rules. It involves a level of detaching without being closed off. It's about learning to be unaffected by the emotions of others.
I actually did my own anger self help work. Because being a people pleaser was causing enormous inner turmoil for me. Was creating through lack of "boundaries" enormous resentment because it was becoming a situation where everything was done to appease everyone else and my own desires were being ignored, brushed off, unimportant. The timing, looking back, was good because I could then grow while my kids were/are young. It is paying off with my career, as well.

I am sorry for whatever you had to endure with your exh.

I guess I posted on here because he has an outburst in front of my family and they worry his casual anger will become violent. They believe it should not be any times per month. As a young female I was questioning the normalcy of such situations.

Well anger is a normal acceptable emotional response, it's what we do with it that can get abnormal.

I used to have an explosive temper, probably still do, I've just learned to manage and express it better.

No more yelling, cussing and throwing things, ok I still cuss when it's really bad, but I haven't broken anything in like 3 years.

Another thing that comes to mind for me is this, does your bf's anger upset you because of his subsequent behaviour, or does it upset you that he's angry and you feel responsible and cant fix it?

I hate it when my bf is angry, I immediately internalize it, and feel responsible, but I'm figuring out that his feelings are his own and he's entitled to them, its not always about me, so sometimes I should just let him simmer in peace until he can process.

I have extremely poor emotional boundaries, I absorb others feelings whether I want to or not, so it gets quite uncomfortable inside my skin at times. I swear it sometimes feels like I'm the personification of a semi-permeable membrane, but strictly for emotions.

I'm learning to separate what's mine from someone else's though, so that I don't take on too much, as its been quite an exhausting ride thus far.

Thank you for your insight on anger and sharing your own personal experiences with an angry partner. It allowed me some clarity on what anger looks like and why it exists.

I wonder if you could provide any insight on different levels and extremes of anger. From what I have seen in the three years I have been with my boyfriend and one year we have lived together he does not fit the bill as someone who responds to every negative or stressful life event with anger. We have had a lot of external stressors in our time together and I would say he is angry 0-1 times per month.

You mentioned that it could get to the point where he could physically harm me. Does this mean to say that every person that struggles with anger has the potential to harm their partner physically? How can one know the difference between a partner with a temper and someone who is physically abusive? Or do all angry people have it in them to physically abuse? This worrys me deeply.

Thank you in advance if you choose to take the time to answer my questions.

After some quick searching, I found this information online about anger levels:

Indignation = self-righteous anger (the person always believes they're right and everyone else is wrong)

Sulking = passive-aggressive anger (the person is so angry, that they refuse to act; no one can make them do what they don't want to do)

Exasperation = anger response (the person's patience has been tested to the point it breaks)

Revenge = anger response (a deliberate response to a perceived offense)

Would you say that your boyfriend has a bad temper in general? Does he explode his anger after holding it in? Doesn't matter how many times he's angry, as much as how he expresses his anger, that can pose a problem to both himself and to you, etc.

But from what you've written, it sounds like your family was racist against your boyfriend because he's a different race, so they judged him, and took a year before they'd accept him. Is that correct?

Your first few posts, maybe I misread them (I think), because it came across to me, that you fear your boyfriend's angry outbursts. If your boyfriend was even tempered, I wouldn't think you'd post a worrisome thread about his anger issues. That's why I interpreted your thread as seeking help to understand what causes your boyfriend's angry outbursts.

Some anger is healthy, as long as its expressed in a healthy way:

1. Use "I" statements "I feel angry when," and "It hurts my feelings when..."
2. Don't hold in your anger
3. Don't express your anger aggressively (break things, physically harm another person)
4. Be able to identify what triggers your anger and discuss it with the person who triggers it
5. Focus on yourself, and what triggers your anger, instead of blaming the other person for making you angry

How does your boyfriend express his anger? Does he shout? Blame? Throw things? Scream than sulk silently? How would you describe the way your boyfriend expresses his anger?

There is a difference certainly, between someone with a temper, and someone who is physically abusive. There is a fine line between the two different styles of anger.

How does your family factor in to your relationship with your boyfriend now that they've known him for two years? Is he easily triggered by their words and behavior? How does he perceive them? You describe them as overbearing, and you describe yourself as having (enmeshed) boundary issues, because you let them control some of your life's decisions for you. Do you think the way your family treats you, plays a role in your boyfriend's anger (if he has any) towards your family?

The only reason I mentioned how anger can evolve to physical abuse, is because physical abuse is a physical expression of rage that the physically abusive person feels. But if your boyfriend doesn't fit that profile, then you have nothing to worry about. Now, if he sulks silently after an argument with you, you can choose to adapt to the way he chooses to express and process his anger that way, or you can ask him to get help learning how to express his anger differently.

My ex-boyfriend refused to change the way he expressed his anger. I'd ask him to discuss what I did to make him angry, and he would just refuse to. He preferred to disappear, sulk for days, and then would suddenly become available again to me, acting as if nothing happened. It was intolerable because it was like living with an adult toddler who chose temper tantrums over reasonable discussion. Worst, it was a form of emotional abuse (his need to control and to manipulate me). I can't date men who choose to express their anger in the form of silent treatments and sulking. That's my preference, because I find it to be very immature. So it's up to you to decide if your boyfriend's period of silent treatment and sulking after he gets angry, is something you can put up with, or not.

This stood out for me as I read through the posts here. Ok you may think that the fact that she's manipulative and wants her own way may be something that invalidates her opinion but I would say that the opposite is true.

What do I mean? Well she is a similar personality which you think is manipulative. She has no stake in this and is in an unbiased viewpoint. There is likely no ulterior motive but.. as a person that may have been guilty of the same behaviors, she may be in the best position to actually evaluate better what is going on. You, on the other hand, have a lot at stake here, you're biased by your caring for him and attachment. You have reason to hope that you're not wrong because well, who wants to be wrong about who they choose to be with? We as humans tend to overlook the obvious especially when we are attached to someone that we love and hope to spend a lifetime with. if I were you I would take into consideration your sister's opinion, that is, unless you have a relationship which would give her reason to have an ulterior motive, if you believe she is speaking from the heart and cares for your well being genuinely, most likely she sees something going on that you cant' admit to yet.

Also you repeated more than once the lack of violence, as if you need to justfy that his anger is ok. This is a problem. It says that it is a concern for you and the way that you word it really sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself that this will "never be" violent. By asserting it here more than once not only are you justifying that his anger is that of acceptable level, but if you're supported in this thinking it helps you to gain confidence that you're right in accepting his anger.

you have to be on one side of the fence or the other. Either it is acceptable that his anger is what it is (as you seem to try to justify with the lack of violence) or you need to face the fact that even without abuse or violence it is affecting your relationship very negatively.

You can't change him. You can communicate with him, but go beyond the follow up apologies from him and make him aware of the negativity he is causing. He will not do anything unless he cares for you enough to listen to this. This is the test of whether or not he is worth of being your lifetime mate. If he isn't willing to change, he's more committed to his ways than he is of being with you.

Thank you for your detailed response!

I would say that he responds in a passive aggressive way. When he gets angry for the most part he gives me the silent treatment and does not want to do anything or talk about it until after he has cooled down. He CAN admit when he is wrong and apologize and he is willing to talk it out after he has cooled down which I would hope is a good sighn.

I would say that he has a temper in the sense that I don't believe the things he responds to warrent the silent treatment for several hours. I would rather he simply communicate whatever stimuli bothered him rather than holding it in for hours at a time. He is able to communicate once he has cooled down but I wish it didn't take so long to get there. I would not say he explodes after letting things build up because his anger is an immediate response after a stimuli.

That is correct about my family. This could be the reason why he responded in anger around them. It is not an excuse by any means but it gives me more of an understanding as he has never displayed anger in public.

I never feared his anger outbursts but I was bothered by them. My post was triggered by the event that occurred where he raised his voice in front of my family and they expressed fear of his anger. I have always wondered what a future would look like with his man and if his anger is "normal". Or if any unhealthy expression of anger at all is not to be tolerated.

He expresses his anger by raising his voice occasionally, never lasting more than a few minutes at a time. He never throws things and he does blame. For the most part he gives me the silent treatment and shows physical sighns that he is upset like huffing and puffing and not making eye contact. I understand that I may do things to upset him. That to me is normal. However I believe he can speak to me directly about those things rather than give me the silent treatment.

My family does not know him very well. My sister and him have always disliked each other personality wise and it may be because they both have strong personalities. My boyfriend thinks my sister doesn't treat me very well and that she is selfish, manipulative,ect. He likes my mother quite a bit, and completely understands her negative reaction to his outburst. However they have not spent much time together. My sister fears he is isolating me from other people in my life. However he has never said anything negative about my friends and even encoraged me to talk to them about our current issues. The only person he has said negative things about them as a person is my sister. Other than that he has expressed frustration about them discriminating against him. During our move he has encouraged me to come to social events with his friends to make new friends. He also knows I want to have my family near by long term and says he is more than happy to move back to my home state after his doctorate program finishes. From what I know I do not believe he is isolating me from family.

Did your ex never choose to discuss what made him angry? Or would he do so after a period of sulking. The reason I ask is because my boyfriend will discuss what makes him angry after a few hours of sulking.

If you don't mind me asking what was it that helped you manage and express your anger better? How long did it take to get there?

His anger upsets me because of his behavior. The fact that he gives me the silent treatment. While I do take responsibility for things that I do that may upset him I do not take responsibility for his behavioral response. Meaning to say that when you are with someone for years and love them they are bound to upset you at times. It is how it is expressed that makes the difference.

For the most part his anger is something that I wonder about long term. How will this affect me in adult hood? Or if we bring children into the picture, buying a house, paying bills together, etc.

I am sorry that you struggle with emotional boundaries. It must be difficult to not only take on your own emotions but also the emotions of those around you.

Olive -- no, my ex-bf refused to be an adult and discuss his emotions with me. When we first met, he should have just handed me a business card with his name, that read underneath, "emotionally unavailable late 30s male, recently divorced, emotionally abusive and prone to sulking and silent treatment." Because that would have saved me from all of the pain and suffering he put me through during our relationship.

Had I known what I do now, I never would have dated him in the first place. Being in that relationship, was like participating in the Red Flag Olympics; I was constantly confronted with emotional and psychological hurdles that most people need not be.

If I ever do date again, I will date a man 100% opposite of my ex-bf.

All I can comment on, about your situation, is that the more communication there is between you and your boyfriend, the stronger the relationship will be, on emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual levels. If two people who live together can't talk to each other in good times and bad, then they shouldn't be together.

If your boyfriend's sulking and silent treatment bothers you, you need to tell him that. You can't force him to change the way he expresses his anger. But, you can tell him that you are going to change the way that you respond to his sulking and silent treatment (whatever that response will be), as you are no longer going to put up with it anymore.

If he remains inflexible, and sulks and gives you the silent treatment, and that's not something you're willing to compromise on, then you need to decide about your future together. If your partner's emotional health is dysfunctional and they are unwilling to acknowledge it to themselves, let alone to you, that puts you in the awkward (and unfair) position, of walking on eggshells, and compromising your own emotional needs (not being met by your partner).

Your boyfriend either needs to stop sulking and be more communicative with you out of respect for your feelings, or you need to change the way you respond to his behavior when he gets like that, to show him that you will not sacrifice your own emotional needs just so his are always met, all the time. It takes two to tango, as they say.

My grandparents marriage lasted over 70 years because they talked to each other, and accepted each other's flaws, nurtured each other's interests, strengths, protected each other from harm, apologized to each other, admitted when they were wrong, didn't hold grudges, laughed a lot together, and stuck together through difficult periods of their marriage. They were best friends (they met in high school) and soul mates. They died in attached rooms in the same nursing home, within hours of each other. A true love story; nothing like my parents rocky marriage was.

Thanks It sucks for sure, but I am getting better at it by trying to practice mindfulness and stay as aware as I can.