[seesaw]

My friend from California just rode his bike across the country and his ride ended at the Atlantic just about 90 minutes south of me. He wants to get together tonight to celebrate. And earlier in the week I said I would. But now that Saturday is here, I'm just exhausted, and it's 3 hours of driving round trip, plus how long I end up staying to eat dinner and hang out...

I'm so torn, this guy is a friend who I've really stayed in contact with over the years, and, after his father died and he went through his own depression, he really began to understand what I struggled with...but, well, I don't think I'll have any fun because I have nothing to talk about except my dogs (which no one cares about) and how miserable I am. And he's celebrating, and I'll have to discuss is my misery.

Plus, my body just doesn't want to. When I had planned out my sleep schedule and day, it seemed totally doable, especially with how much I accomplished on the week days this week...but I slept 50 minutes last night, and now I'm crashing...how do I explain that to him?

I almost wonder if I emailed him and explained some of this, he might understand...but then again, he would probably not be as good a friend anymore.

I am so proud of him because 4 years ago he said he was going to do this. He changed his life, quit working his very lucrative job at a well-known international company, started over doing what he loved, and started planning this trip for his 40th birthday. And he did it. He did everything he said he was going to do. Yes, his life changed dramatically, he had to sell his really nice car, his really nice condo, moved in with his elderly mother both for his finances and to care for her, ended up breaking it off with his fiance, he's still the same person, but it's like he decided he was just going to make his life exactly the life that he wanted to have.

And even as I type this, I want to sit down and have a beer with him and ask him how he did it, wasn't he afraid?, were there times he almost couldn't stay afloat?, I have so many questions...especially also wanting to know how he dealt with the depression he had after his father died, which he has spoken mostly to me about, but not super publicly.

But that desire to visit and see my old friend, is overpowered by my agoraphobia, by fear because he hasn't seen me since my breakdown and I don't want to see his reaction when he sees my scarred, obese body when who he remembers was a slender, curvy, pretty girl who could stop traffic. (Sorry, not trying to be offensive, but I was hot).

And I'm also overpowered by my fatigue, which I think often happens on Saturdays when the week is finally over and I know that I don't have any deadlines or to be on anyone else's schedule and I can just crash. My body gives out, my brain gives out...I'm like a borg drone on weekends, sleeping in my alcove to recharge until Sunday evening when I do all the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and whatever else in a quick 2 hour period to get ready for the upcoming work week.

I can't go out with him tonight. I know I promised, but it's too far, and I just can't handle it.

I've see some articles on depression that talk about this...so maybe I can steal some words from that when I let him know I won't make it and try to explain it.

I'm going to end up with no friends by the time I die. No one will come to my funeral...no one will eulogize me, my body will go in an unmarked grave, with no distinction.

I hate depression.

Seesaw

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You've got a lot on your plate emotion wise. Could you call him and visit over the phone?

[Onward2wards]

((( Seesaw ))) I really wish you could go, but if you're just not up to it at this time that's completely understandable. I am familiar with those feelings of being isolated, out of the loop, fallen from where you used to be, and running on some kind of treadmill going nowhere. I hate that too. It just straight up sucks!

[Molinit]

I guess I would ask you how you would feel if you had biked cross-country and he emailed at the last minute to tell you a list of reasons you can't meet him.

The friendship would be forever changed, and not in a positive way.

You have to do what you need to. I would just ask if there isn't a way to push yourself beyond this limit to do this for someone else.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

I don't really have an advice. I don't know what I would do. I don't suffer from
Depression but I am not driving 3 hours on Saturday to see anyone ( well I would to see my daughter but that's about it). I am too tired and have too much to do. I commute two hours daily so no way I drive that far on the weekend. It's exhausting.

I lost some friends over the years because I was expected to do things that I couldn't provide: primarily flying or driving far away places and arrangining vacations to meet them. I understand it sucks. But I think even without depression it's not easy to maintain distance friendships.

Could you talk on the phone rather than driving there

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I guess I would ask you how you would feel if you had biked cross-country and he emailed at the last minute to tell you a list of reasons you can't meet him.

The friendship would be forever changed, and not in a positive way.

You have to do what you need to. I would just ask if there isn't a way to push yourself beyond this limit to do this for someone else.

Molinit, that's exactly what I'm saying too....the other thing I'm saying is that I'm chronically ill and sometimes that doesn't cooperate with what I want to do. And driving 3 hours at night while it probably rains is no small feat either.

I know the friendship would be changed. But it's not like I have much control over it. What you're saying is very much like asking a person with MS if they could just get over it for a night and not need a wheelchair so they could go dancing.

But he said they are driving back to California, so I'm wondering if instead he would meet me for brunch tomorrow up here, because it will be on his way back home.

I do understand what you're saying, but if he's a friend who's been keeping up with my Facebook at all, he'd know that I'm in really bad shape right now.

Seesaw

[unaluna]

Yeah im kinda thinking, if hes gone all that way, why did he choose where he DID end up? He is probably with friends or family, right? Youre not his gf, youre not his bff. We are just single women - we dont really have a defined role yet. I think thats okay.

[it'sgrowtime]

Obviously you care about him, and want to celebrate him. But you're exhausted, plus feeling insecure. Its perfectly reasonable to say things didn't turn out like you planned, and can you meet tomorrow. Friends are flexible and don't give up on each other over one day or one visit. But, I guess everyone does friendship differently? If he can't meet tomorrow, express what you did in this post...how proud you are of him, and impressed, and that you'd love to learn a thing or two from him, since you are now facing your own challenges. You'd love to be there with him tonight, but you overextended yourself, and you're not able to tonight, but you're there in spirit.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah im kinda thinking, if hes gone all that way, why did he choose where he DID end up? He is probably with friends or family, right? Youre not his gf, youre not his bff. We are just single women - we dont really have a defined role yet. I think thats okay.

It's bicycling trip that has a predestined end point. He didn't choose it because of me. In fact, he didn't even know it ended that close to me.

[seesaw]

So this is the note I sent him:

Hey *****,

I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Unfortunately, this is an ongoing problem for me with the chronic depression and chronic fatigue that goes along with it. I'm working too many hours per week plus trying to have some life to myself that I just over-extend myself. I don't feel well enough to drive 3 hours round trip to St. Augustine tonight. And I feel so terrible about this.

My body just doesn't want to cooperate.

I am so proud of you because 4 years ago you said you were going to do this. You changed your life, quit working a great job at Sony, started over doing what you love, and started planning this trip for your 40th birthday. And you did it. You did everything you said you were going to do. It's like you decided you were just going to make your life exactly the life that you wanted to have. That is truly amazing and at the same time, the sign of a person with true courage in their soul. I admire that courage so much.

Even as I type this, I want to sit down and have a beer with you and ask you how you did it, weren't you afraid? Were there times you couldn't stay afloat?

But I'm just so overpowered by fatigue. My body gives out, my brain gives out...I'm like a borg drone, sleeping in my alcove to recharge until Sunday evening when I do all the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and whatever else in a quick 2 hour period to get ready for the upcoming work week. In fact, I'm going to have to use the grocery delivery service today because I just can't handle a store full of people...that's agoraphobia for you. That's why I go to the dog park at 10pm, so I won't be around other people...I know I'm not the person you knew, and she really wishes she could hop on her bike and ride out to meet you right now, but she's stuck in a really bad place. But she and I both want you to know we are there with you in spirit, and could not be more proud of you.

I'm really sorry and I'm so proud of you. It's an honor to be your friend.

Congratulations!!!

[Molinit]

That's a nice note.

I would have called him. Email is impersonal in a situation like this. A phone call would have been more respectful of his feelings, even if you're not his bff or his girlfriend. Canceling plans for any reasons, is best done over the phone because it is more considerate of the other person's feelings esp. when they are your friend.

[Misssy2]

I feel exactly like you seesaw..insecure and not the "hottie" I once was...it gets worse with age. It seems shallow but it really does impact our lives..shallow or not.

The note is also something I would have done. And I guess your depression also didn't allow you to "cave" for brunch today.

Don't feel guilty..you haven't seen the guy in forever...it was kind of a spur of the moment thing for him to ask you to meet him and when you have depression and fatigue..spur of the moments don't work that well.

I also understand pushing thru getting the "chores" done to go back into relax mode as much as we can...I don't work and I don't know how you do....and even thou I don't work I struggle with these feelings you have on a daily basis and people that want me to be around really thing I don't "like them". And they don't understand that as you said...the body just won't cooperate...in my case..the mind won't either.

I feel very selfish at times..but maybe if we keep doing the things to take care of ourselves and not feel guilty about it...we will get better someday. But, I too feel like people are pulling me to do things all the time that I DONT want to do.

I totally understand how you feel...and did he answer your note?

[seesaw]

He did. He said he was very touched by it and that it made his day (because I remembered all that he had gone through).

[Misssy2]

Thats good..so don't feel sad about it anymore.

I have a close friend too that I have let down numerous times and I know even after I get reassurance from him that is "okay" I feel like a jerk.

But, mental illness is real. And we really can't help it if people don't understand it and we have to do the best we can.

[Wild Coyote]

I've read through this thread and am very impressed with how you'd handled breaking the news to your friend. You were very honest and very courageous.
Nice job!

WC

[seesaw]

I also just want to clarify, we aren't close as much as I would say we hung out regularly when I lived in LA, and I consider him a very good friend and a safe person...but we don't even chat on Facebook all that much.