[Brina1891]

I often sit and wonder what is wrong with me. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and my father is and was one of these men who only wanted kids when it was convienant for him. So he was rarely around and when he was he would put my mother down. I grew up in my grnadparent's home. It was not a happy place for me. My grandfather mentally and emotionally abused me my whole life while my sister got whatever her heart desired. I wasn't a bad kid, I was quiet, spent a lot of time alone, rarely ever had a friend so I turned to food for comfort causing me to gain a lot of weight. When I was 15 I started dating my cousin's 18 year old friend. He was great for the first years then his angry, mentally, and emotionally abusive side came out. I stayed because I never thought any other man could ever love me. I was depressed, overweight, etc. Almost 4 years into the relationship we had a daughter and moved in together. Living with him was hell, we fought all the time, he constantly told me I was a worhtless, fat, ***** in front of people. Again I stayed. Then 3 years later I found out I was pregnant again. I had numberous health problems just in the first few months and he quit his job wanting me to go to work knowing I couldn't. It got bad enough I left him and moved in with my father. Things became too much at his house so I moved in with my aunt. Somehow after my son was born I ended up moving back in with the kid's father. I thought WOW he was working hard on changing, he got a good job, found us a nice house. A month after we moved in he quit his job, we ended up on Welfare again, and it was left up to me to take care of everyone. I started college then left him again and moved back in with my aunt. Then I met a 37 year old man, he was amazing, loving, kind, caring. My family went through the roof with me only being 24 and him 37. After a few weeks into the relationship he started pushing for me to move in with him and I refused. I told him it was too soon so we continued to see one another for 2 more months, things were wonderful but because of my insecurities and refusing to move in with him he left me. During this time we got the news that my father's dad was terminally ill. I was devistated and my kids father was there. I figured well maybe things might be different this time. HAHAHA. I think I was kidding myself. It was about a month after my grandfather passed away last year then he went back to the controlling, suffocating, manipulative, jobless person he was before. It has been almost a year now and I guess we are still together. He isn't around often because I told him he needs to get a job to help out with taking care of the kids, he said he isn't going to find one and work it so I needed to find him one, he said it isn't fair that I want him to help me out with the kids. He only seems to want something to do with me when he thinks he is going to get a piece of tail and when he doesn't he gets mad and talks about me like I am trash to MY own cousins. I have told him I don't love him like I should, I don't trust him, and we will never be close. I can't deal with the fact his video games are more important than his kids. My family and therapist all think I need to start dating or at least get some friends. I haven't had a friend or someone close to me in over 7 years. I have put up a wall and I don't let anyone in. My therory is I can't get hurt if no one gets close. My mother used to be my best friend and I have shut her out. I'm so tired of trying to explain to everyone I don't think I can handle having someone hurt me again... My therapist wants to "socialize" me. It isn't going to happen, I have social phobia and severe anxiety. I've been the doormat, I've been the trusting girl that let someone get close, I've been the party girl, I've been the loving kind girl, and now at 25 I am the mean depressed woman that rarely leaves her house. I just can't get close to people especially men and everyone in my life is trying to force me into friendships and relationships telling me that it will be good for me when I would just like to be left alone. I've been in therapy on and off for 10 years and on medication for months now and I still feel this way. I'm so preoccupied with not getting hurt, hiding from the world, and keeping people from getting close to me I think I have lost myself along the way. None of my family or my therapist understand I can't have friends or relationships if I can never truat someone. By the time I get to the point I start trusting someone its too late because they leave.Then I'm left with nothing but myself and my thoughts about what is wrong with me to make me feel like this....Well thanks for letting me vent. If anyone has any advice or has been in a sitation like this please feel free to comment.

Thanks
Sabrina

[spal]

You are answering your own question.

You have been abused. You are afraid to trust. You have low self-esteem. You think no one will want you who is a great guy and so you push away the ones that do.

Is this how you want to live out the rest of your life because patterns can become entrenched and the next thing you know you are forty with the same problems.

You are young there is still time to turn it all around. Get a therapist and dump the husband. He is not going to change and you will not make him. And it is not your job to make him love you to prove that you are worth while.

At the risk of sounding Freudian, you picked a guy like your dad and are replaying the same pattern with him.

Keep your distance from toxic people. Any positive change you will make will threaten them. The thing is that change is exactly that -- change!!! It means unfamiliar actions, unfamiliar feelings and it brings up all the FEAR of rejection from the past. But stay where you are in the same dead environment ... well, you know how that is working.

I don't know what to advise you. Change does not happen without risk. Even if you are afraid, keep breathing and going. Get a good T and start making plans and follow through. If you're still with your deadbeat husband, get rid of him. He wants you to stay miserable to fulfil his own pattern. Depression doesn't only come from a chemical imbalance, it also comes from people making you feel like *****.

I am a lot older than you and have shut people out for fear of getting hurt. You wind up alone. It's not pleasant. But at the same time, I am not abused. But there has to be a better way. Love is necessary and we should not be afraid to accept being treated in a loving way.

Good luck.