I want to escape from a burden I'm tired of.

He's home since Wed. I did feel better when he was in the rehab facility. The attendant is here for 8 hours today, snd I'm resting.

I'll have more help than I've ever had before . . . once I get attendants and aids in place. Organizing that is quite a job.

He's been acting nice. But he's needy and it's around the clock. Meanwhile, my arthritis is troubling me today. It's hard to walk on my very arthritic right foot. Took Vicodin for that. Now I can't stay awake.

Not many would care for a loved one who is ill. You are truly one in a kind that way. He is lucky to have you. Just be sure to find time to look after yourself too. I know it will be easier once all the aides and etc are in place and familiar with him and what they are expected to do, but even now you need to find little ten or fifteen minute breaks for you.

Would it work to put him in front of the TV with a plastic cup of water or iced tea or etc, and you just sit n relax in n the next room for a couple minutes? Or would that be dangerous too? If so, maybe you can be in same room, but not "in his line of sight" that way he doesn't see you n it may be a "out of sight, out of mind" technique ... but yet, you can still see him to check on him.

Anyway, just some ideas, sorry if unwanted.

I get lots of breaks, just not much time that I can be totally away from him. About the most time I have alone is when I go grocery shopping. He is content to watch television much of the day. Often I am in the bedroom resting. It's really kind of a lazy life-style for me. It's just so restrictive.

This is not physically hard, really, but mentally stifling.

I see now that I came to feel a good deal better, while he was away, either in the hospital or in rehab. He came home Wednesday. We were both very happy. I felt well for a few days. Then not well. Since yesterday, I feel just crummy. Not even depressed. I just feel physically crummy.

I feel sorry for him that he is still alive. He is glad to live as long as he can. I've never looked at life that way. (He never gets depressed.) I see life that extends beyond the time of feeling well as an awful burden. I do not want to live on in advanced age myself. I can't imagine that I wouldn't be suicidal, if I were as he is, especially if I didn't have someone like me as caregiver.

My sleeping pattern is absolutely crazy. I wake up in the dead of night, unable to continue sleeping. I take some wine at night to help me fall asleep. It helps, but causes me to wake up nauseated. Between the arthritis, the nausea and the sleeplessness, I feel just crummy. Hydrocodone is the only thing that makes me feel better. Helps with sleep, soreness and even nausea.

You think it's the stress n crazy sleep causing the "crummy feeling"?

Are you able to take naps?

Yes, I think that's a lot of it. I do take naps. I was up at 6 a.m. this morning, and mow my eyes are closing. About to fall asleep.

I'm not in your situation but I totally am there with you on the tiredness. I haven't slept well in several weeks, but the past few days have been the worst. Usually I would just put lavender essential oil on my pillow but I am out. If you have some, you may want to try that. Or just diffuse it.

I seem to nod off in the chair without realizing I did til I woke up cuz I am that wore down. Hope you aren't that way yet.

*hugs*

I actually dislike the smell of lavendar. It has widespread recognition as being a soothing, rest-promoting aroma . . . but I just happen to dislike it. It kind of reminds me of bug spray.

Nodding off like that does seem to indicate a sleep deficit. In the course of a week, I'm sure I get enough sleep. It's s just that it comes at all hours with no regular pattern. The lack of routine makes my life feel chaotic.

Last night I told my s.o. that I felt better when he was away. I'm sorry for him, but there seems something unfair about the role I'm playing.

Are you considering having him put in a residential facility that can take care of him?

I dont like lavender either! Its too sharp or something.

Well, i was thinking, he didnt marry you, so are you really obligated to keep him at home? That was pretty much the deal my dad had with my mother, he never wanted to go to a nursing home. Otoh, his brother broke his hip and did end up in a nursing home, altho he came back home a few times. Still, no one faulted my aunt. Its just the way it was. My dad passed away in the hospital the weekend before he was to return home after already a month in the hospital after a heart attack, but he had been ambulatory tho ill for seven years before that after a stroke and my mother did take care of him at home.

So i dont think its a question of your commitment to him. Thats obviously there. But what is best for him AND best for you? Maybe god is calling him home, but he's not calling you home yet? You dont want to show up unexpectedly!

Well, unaluna, it's more like I didn't marry him. I'm not obligated. No one would fault me, if I stepped back from what I'm doing.

Crypts, I don't have to even be responsible for putting him in a home. I could just tell his family I feel I can't keep this up, and they would have the responsibility to arrange what happens next, which would be him going to a home.

It's me who doesn't want to not have him out here in the community. It's me who wants to hold onto him being in his apartment, where I can be with him. It's just that I vacilate. Sometimes I want to give up.

A lot of my problem in life is that, often, I can't make up my mind what I want. Today was a particularly trying day. He was fine, but I was not. His Medicaid benefit got cut off because I failed to send in an "interim report." I can fix that, but that involves a bunch of paperwork. So I'm doing that paperwork.

I'm having an awful time sleeping at night due to my own chronic sleep disorder, which has been getting worse and worse, since 2009. I wake up every couple of hours and find it difficult to get back to sleep.

Another problem is that it get's lonely being with someone who has dementia. I also miss how we used to do things for each other. He used to love to cook for me. Now I never can be the one who gets taken care of . . . because he can't.

Sometimes I think about getting a dog for myself. But that would be more work.

I'm at the stage of life where I notice that I'm not as strong and energetic as I used to be. I'm sleepy now, and there's a kitchen full of dirty pans and dishes.

. We never thought this would ever happen if you are like me. But all the energy you are putting out is MORE than even most younger people put out...so getting exhausted is a valid feeling.

Even in my younger days when I worked hard it would take me a couple days to recover.....now it takes a few more days than that....but I'm just glad I am still capable of giving what I have. Some friends my age aren't capable of that.

You just need to be sensitive to those feelings so you don't over-push yourself

Yesterday was a good day. I feel well this morning. I expect I'll just take it day by day.

Thanks everyone for the understanding. This upcoming week, I will make it a point to be out of the house more when the attendant is here. I need to go home to my place. I haven't even checked my mail in a good while. I'm thinking of joining the Y and starting an exercise program.

sounds like a good idea....make time for some "just you time"