I'm a misfit and lots of other nonsensical ramblings

Just wanted to let you all know that... haha.
Well... it causes a lot of problems. My mind seems to work so different from those around me and my phobias make me a very skittish person... cover that up with a gregarious mask and you get a strange set of behaviors that end up in frustration for those around me.

I'm about to launch out into the big brave world again and try to join some sort of a support group. Last few things I've tried were disasters. I am even a misfit in CODA, ACOA, Abuse Survivors groups, AA and therapy groups. So... now I found a group for people with depression. I dunno... maybe this is all futile. I seem a bit autistic in my personality. My therapist says the abused people can kinda look like they are autistic because of the way the traumas twist their peronality. Sometimes I just curl up in a ball and wish there was a person to comfort me. That happened one time at my therapists office. It takes a really huge problem before a therapist will even touch a client and we had a situation that called for it. So... well... it was exactly what I always imagined it might feel like to have someone comfort me when I am in a ball.

I have learned to love the odd way my mind works. People don't always understand where I am going with things but I usually get them to think. My mind zips around to different things while at the same time it follows the current topic. Most of the time I keep control of the thoughts, holding them inside but sometimes the thoughts pop out at odd intervals. I am afraid they might think I am not paying attention so I deftly bring the conversation back to where we were when I went off on an oddly related tangent. Of course I don't let them see the frightened person who is curled in a dark ball deep inside. Hardly anyone has seen that person. Sometimes I wonder if they sense it. They don't seem to be pounding at my door to spend time with me. On the other hand I have had people defend me because they feel I am the nicest person. I don't know it is all too confusing. Oh well, I don't need all the answers tonight.
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there all the time.--Anna Freud

Hi Zenobia,
I can see that you can tell where I am at. Unfortunately, I'm not in control of the person in a dark ball inside of me. She is very loud and strong and embarasses me. I dont' think I have multiple personalities, but lack of control the child-based emotions is harrowing. I would like to gain control of my paranoia.

Sounds like you are a bit further along in the process than I.
One day I hope to respect myself a bit more and come to enjoy the way my brain works. That might be the key to keeping me out of these emotional spins. I dunno.

I used to have more control than I do now. I was very rigid and formal and business like and was a leadership person in a religious organization that was very rigid and that fed my need for structure and for everything to be set in stone so I could follow the rulebooks. I was also very very busy. So busy I didn't have time to talk to people in group situations because I was running around all busy with a job to do. I pulled off that life for 20 years. I'm not knocking it completely. It got me off drugs and freed me from a lot of stuff because I had switched addictions to religious intoxication. However... I have outgrown it... so 2 years ago I dropped off of that merry-go-round and am looking into new ways to grow. I am not as rigid anymore. My mind is opening up and as scarey as it is... I am trying to think for myself. I catch myself needing to be told what to do sometimes, but I think for myself a lot too.

Thanks for the chance to know you.

When I talked about the different people inside me I worried that my T would think that I have a multiple personality or something. Apparently it is quite normal to have distinct personalities depending on the situation we are in. It is like the voices in my head. I found out that everybody has constant chatter going on. I found this out in a financial book of all things. I am having fun finding out that things that have been problems for me occurs in everybody else, just to a different degree. It makes my job a little easier. I don't have to get ride of these things just adjust them. Very cool.
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there all the time.--Anna Freud

Interesting. How on earth did the topic of inner voices get into a financial book?

It is a book that uses psychology to help you get control of your finances. There is a reason that you do the things you do. This is true even in the world of money. So it was talking about changing the tone of mental "chatter" to a more helpful self conversation.
Zen

<font color=blue>I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but, it comes from within. It is there all the time.--Anna Freud