My relationship actually is pretty good. We've had a few bumps but with some communication we've generally come through them well enough in the end. I am just going to ramble on though about some rather catastrophic thinking I am having of late.

We are in the middle of getting ready for a move in together (yay!). I have no apprehension about living with this man. So what is the problem? Let's just say that he hasn't exactly been proactive. A sense of priority about this he does not seem to have.

I realise I am the opposite to a fault. two months out I had started purging and selling what I won't be taking (we don't need two of everything). Now a month out and I have already deep cleaned everything, changed my address, arranged for cut off of utilities, hired a moving van rental and recruited my loading party.

What has happened at the other end? nothing

[divine1966]

Is he generally procrastinating type? I am very type A. My husband isn't. He needs to be pushed a bit when it comes to packing or getting things done. He is who he is.

Are you concerned he isn't as interested in moving in together or are you just concerned with lack of planning?

[Travelinglady]

Maybe you need to ask him why he isn't doing anything. Could he not be as interested in it as you are?

[Rose76]

Is he basically just staying where he is? Or are you both going to a new place? What sort of organizing could he be doing that would help things go smoother?

[RainyDay107]

My long-term S.O. is a "do-er." He's not an alpha male type or controlling...he likes handling things. He gets satisfaction in accomplishing things. He's way more organized than I am and he doesn't complain. (How?!)

He has scooped the three cat litter boxes, every other day for ten years. And our Maine Coons are 20 lbs...big fellas, lol. I've scooped maybe five times?

I handle all the laundry. He doesn't enjoy that task and I love doing laundry. A clean kitchen is very important to me, so I handle that, too.

He can make a bed with hospital corner sheets. lol he's a great guy. He does what he wants to do. He does the lion's share partially due to my chronic pain.

My stepdad was a hard worker at the office. My mom was house director and CEO. He would take care of things, but she would tell him what needed to be done. It worked for them, he is laid back and loved her. I did what I was told, respect my elders. We used to joke she'd be grabbing a dinner plate from us...we were still eating but she wanted those dirty dishes in the dishwasher, lol.

I think planning together and making a list of who handles what can help ... OP, perhaps that will get him going to pitch in? Open communication and how to fairly balance tasks....good to iron out now.

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Maybe you need to ask him why he isn't doing anything. Could he not be as interested in it as you are?

That's a great idea. Open communication is best. You can express your need for him to get involved and ask why he isn't. Staying silent can eventually turn into resentment.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Travelinglady. Ask him. Sending big hugs.

Is it possible he is not a good planner and does things last minute? Yes, I would talk to him, as the others suggest. Glams is right - staying silent could lead to resentment. (((hugs)))

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with the others.. ask him, talk to him.

[continuosly blue]

Communication, communication, communication. If you don’t do it now I guarantee it won’t come later. There’s a lot you haven’t told us about him. Is he the lazy type ? Is he busy taking care of other issues regarding your move ?
The main concern I have is that he , ( and men naturally do this ) , is getting second thoughts or cold feet about this major commitment coming up.
Ill tell you one thing from experience. Living with someone is way different than
just knowing each other on the outside living separately .
Good luck !

[avlady]

yes where is the communication?

All great thoughts - and thankyou all of you for thinking of me and offering support.

After reading your responses I have realised that it isn't just about him. I have very high personal standards and I suppose I fall into the trap of expecting those around me to have the same. Hence I get frustrated easily with what others do or in this case don't do. I struggle with the fact that others don't seem to 'get' it.

Yes, I am the 'doer' in the relationship. it is not to say I wear the pants and boot straps in the relationship but, yes, I am an alpha personality - I am guessing to a fault. And this is where my mental health comes into play and with it my problem thinking...

I think in black or white. I realise I am jumping to the conclusion that if he isn't pulling his weight now, he won't be later. I think catastrophically and 'fortune tell' the future. I am assuming the worst case scenario. I discount the positive. He is very much looking forward to this move. I forget he is as excited as I am. I am terrible for the 'Should' thinking. And so on and so on.

It is a struggle my friends.

I did speak up. I was careful not to say you should or you need. I worded it more as asking him what was his plan. "I don't have one yet." was his response. shudder

[Erebos]

I don't know wether he has second thoughts, you guys sound like me and my fella only the other way around.
I am definitely an, only do it when I absolutely have too, kind of person.
He is highly motivated and a bit OCd.
I drive him to utter distraction, which is why even after 3 years of knowing each other, and a year of being together we have Zero plans to move in together.

I can't be doing, with his fussing and nipping at my heels, and my virtually horizontal attitude to life would undoubtedly drive him up the wall.
He like you seems to think everyone should find it simple to be like him. He sees life as so much easier when regimented, and panics when I simply shrug and say " I don't know, I haven't thought about it."
He would end up doing everything and then resenting me for it.
So we don't go there.
We love each other to bits, but are stubborn and set in our ways. We do the things we both enjoy. But just accept in some ways we aren't compatible.

I think it's important you talk to him and assess wether this is just a personality trait or is it reflecting his feelings toward the relationship or rAther the coming commitment.
Just talk to him.
I will second a previous comment. Living with someone is very very different from knowing them from the outside.
Hope everything works out. Aæll the best.

[Erebos]

I might like to warn you, something I find comes up with my partner is that because he doesn't get it, the disorganization, I mean.
He thinks he is helping by offering advice or solutions, when all that really does is make me feel like a child.
Patronized and made to feel somehow inadequate.

I am a grown woman, nearly 40 and have raised 4 kids.
My eldest is in Uni.
And I managed this with chronic MI and a 24 year drug addiction.
Whilst my way isn't his way, I am still capable.

Just be careful not to fall into that trap.
Of either doing everything so it gets done to your specifications, then commenting they don't help.(it can make your other feel utterly worthless.)
Or pushing advice if it's not asked for. (Resulting in feeling like your telling your other what to do. That their efforts aren't worthwhile.)
Aside from that it sounds like you have a good grasp of what's happening.
So once again, all the best. And good luck.

[Shazerac]

My husband is the doer and planner in our relationship. I tend to take things as they come. This used to be frustrating him , but after 14 years he's kind of used to it and doesn't get so bent out of shape as he once did. I stand back and let him plan, and he gets to be all master of the universe. I'm fine with him taking the reigns as long as we end up where we BOTH wanted to go.

I agree with the others though. Communication is extremely important. Is this just how he is or is he not as on board with the moving in thing as you are. This is an important distinction to make early on. Don't wait until you've been together for years before you find out that he just doesn't give a crap.