[rdgrad15]

Anyone have the annoying experience of having someone or even a group fo people invite you to socialize with them, only to be shunned by them when you accept their offer? Do you know why this happens? How do you deal woth it? When it happens to me, it makes me want to ask them why they invited me if they didn’t want to talk to me in the first place. That is why I keep to myself a lot more now, basically regressing back to my older ways. I always have waited to be invited but I did start to get bolder and put myself out there.

Unfortunately it seems to backfire, both in social situations with friends and even coworkers at work. There has been times when I even said no in the past since I saw no point in joining their conversation if I was going to be shunned anyway. I now find myself regressing back to being more reserved and keep to myself more like I was before my college years. And for work situations, I am starting to only talk about work related stuff, nothing else like everyone else does. Are people doing that to be overly polite? It just seems like they are doing that out of pity or something. I find it very annoying and even a bit rude.

It's frustrating, to say the least. I don't know why it happens, but I've wondered myself if I've been invited to do things with groups just out of social etiquette.

There have been times when I have enough energy to play the part of someone I'm not in group situations. In those times, I'm talkative, funny, and I go out of my way to ask others about themselves. This is the fastest way to make people engage with you.

BUT. I don't have the energy for that usually. I don't like feeling fake like that. It's disheartening that my true self seems to be ignored in group settings. I've seen this happen with quite a few reserved people, so you definitely aren't alone in this feeling.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

It's frustrating, to say the least. I don't know why it happens, but I've wondered myself if I've been invited to do things with groups just out of social etiquette.

There have been times when I have enough energy to play the part of someone I'm not in group situations. In those times, I'm talkative, funny, and I go out of my way to ask others about themselves. This is the fastest way to make people engage with you.

BUT. I don't have the energy for that usually. I don't like feeling fake like that. It's disheartening that my true self seems to be ignored in group settings. I've seen this happen with quite a few reserved people, so you definitely aren't alone in this feeling.

Exactly. I know I have been invited to do things with groups out of social etiquette or pity. Even at work it happens. I get an email about an after work outing, meanwhile none of my coworkers truly like me or want me around that much. They are cliquey, so I know for a fact those emails are just out of obligation and politeness. Same for some friends and acquaintances in the past. I would find out that I was only invited out of obligation or pity. Yeah unfortunately it seems to happen a lot to reserved people. Don't know why.

Not sure if I accidentally give off a sad vibe, have sad resting face syndrome, or something else. Whatever it is, it causes people to invite me when they really don't want me there and shun me if I accept. I almost always decline now unless I am a hundred percent sure I am wanted. I've completely stopped going to outings after work since I wasn't really wanted despite being invited. I feel like in a way it is rude since it is giving the person they are inviting a false sense that they are actually welcomed and wanted when in fact, they aren't wanted there and some people may even resent the person being there.

I have to wonder if there is an expectation from those cliques that us reserved types will come more out of our shell when we go out with them. Years ago, I went along with a work group that invited me out, and at the end of the evening, one of my coworkers said he thought I would have opened up more. It wasn't particularly mean sounding, but I felt horrible.

So I do wonder if there's almost a sense for them that we pay a transaction. They invite us out, and in return, they expect us to loosen up more. I dunno. Just one of many theories. I'm at the same point you are, where I just stopped going out with groups. Give me a nice, quiet one-on-one any day.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

I have to wonder if there is an expectation from those cliques that us reserved types will come more out of our shell when we go out with them. Years ago, I went along with a work group that invited me out, and at the end of the evening, one of my coworkers said he thought I would have opened up more. It wasn't particularly mean sounding, but I felt horrible.

So I do wonder if there's almost a sense for them that we pay a transaction. They invite us out, and in return, they expect us to loosen up more. I dunno. Just one of many theories. I'm at the same point you are, where I just stopped going out with groups. Give me a nice, quiet one-on-one any day.

Yeah that is a good theory, and may be true for some groups. And yeah, I prefer one-on-one as well. If I am close enough with some people, than me and two, maybe three others are okay but other than that, just one-on-one. I have a couple friends but we never hang out as a group since they both hate each other now. They used to be friends years ago but not anymore. But yeah, back when they were friends, we would have a group of three, sometimes even four. But other than those times with them during my fourth year of college, I only preferred one-on-one interactions and pretty much isolated myself from cliques.

[Sunflower123]

The whole thing just wears me out. I'm part of a large group of very lively, cliquey women and I naturally gravitate to the more reserved ones. I often felt like the odd man out until I kept going and made some friends.

I'm sorry you've both had that experience. So have I. Because of that, I make a point of making sure everyone feels welcome and wanted.

I hate this, I feel for you.

I find myself in a group situation where I feel shunned on a fairly regular basis, only the invitation comes second hand, and often as an after thought. My boyfriend regularly attends functions or get togethers with members of a group to which he belongs. I am sometimes asked to attend outright but in most cases the invitation is assumed in that spouses and significant others are welcome to attend.

I loathe these occasions. I have nothing in common with these people. For the most part they ignore and talk over me. I have distinct differences with them and at times I cringe being around them even sometimes forcing myself not to cry in disgust. I am not sure what is the worst - being utterly ignored or feeling I must conform to fit in. It is not like I can continually not attend. As my boyfriend is vice-president of this club there is an expectation that I attend.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

The whole thing just wears me out. I'm part of a large group of very lively, cliquey women and I naturally gravitate to the more reserved ones. I often felt like the odd man out until I kept going and made some friends.

I'm sorry you've both had that experience. So have I. Because of that, I make a point of making sure everyone feels welcome and wanted.

I'm the same way. I gravitate towards the more reserved ones as well. I feel like they are more genuine to an extent than the overly lively cliquey people.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I hate this, I feel for you.

I find myself in a group situation where I feel shunned on a fairly regular basis, only the invitation comes second hand, and often as an after thought. My boyfriend regularly attends functions or get togethers with members of a group to which he belongs. I am sometimes asked to attend outright but in most cases the invitation is assumed in that spouses and significant others are welcome to attend.

I loathe these occasions. I have nothing in common with these people. For the most part they ignore and talk over me. I have distinct differences with them and at times I cringe being around them even sometimes forcing myself not to cry in disgust. I am not sure what is the worst - being utterly ignored or feeling I must conform to fit in. It is not like I can continually not attend. As my boyfriend is vice-president of this club there is an expectation that I attend.

Yeah I hate those occasions too. It makes you be somewhere with people who you know for a fact do not want you around and it is hard to pretend to act like everything is okay. I see things for the way they are and just don't see the point in pretending things are okay at times, depending on the situation. If I know for a fact I am not wanted somewhere and I am able to leave without consequence or without any rides, then I just simply leave without much notice. I may give a quick wave and say bye if someone notices but otherwise I just slip away and no one notices or cares. I know they don't want me around so I will not force my presence on them. That is my train of thought.

I feel I have over used excuses to leave early. Am I alone in this?

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I feel I have over used excuses to leave early. Am I alone in this?

Oh gosh, no. I suspect most of us do that to some degree. I sure do.

[mugwort2]

Large social groups were me out too. I prefer no more than ten people. I like small groups as opposed to larger ones. Okay wouldn't say I belong since that doesn't apply here. Several times invited to vegan events at a nearby center. The woman who is the director is friends with me on Facebook. Sometimes we bump into each other. She's friendly but I don't feel like we are offline friends. One of her male friends is a friend of my sister but not to me. I feel really terrible about that. This makes me feel inferior. Okay part of me is thinking feeling that way is irrational. Just telling how I feel. PS I am not implying every vegan person is like this woman who runs these events.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I feel I have over used excuses to leave early. Am I alone in this?

Nope, I have done this too. That is actually another thing I forgot to mention. In the off chance I do go to a social function where I was invited out of etiquette or pity, I don't stay long. Last year I went to one party that all my coworkers went too. I only stayed an hour. Luckily I had a ride. Another coworker that was there wanted to leave early too. She doesn't like socializing with coworkers outside of work much or hanging out with them. Back when I first met her, I used to think she was just being antisocial or something.

But now looking back, I can actually understand why she is that way and I am even starting to be like that as well. We both had an excuse that we had to be somewhere else and couldn't stay longer. Lame, but it was the only way to get out. There has been other instances where I've done that as well. Usually because I am shunned and get the vibe I am not wanted. Usually when I leave, no one really cares to say bye which makes me even more convinced that they want me out of there.

(Sorry about hijacking this thread)

There are some functions you just can't get out of. I dread one this (Canadian) Thanksgiving early next month. Short of feigning I've got the black lung or swine fever I can't get out of it.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

(Sorry about hijacking this thread)

There are some functions you just can't get out of. I dread one this (Canadian) Thanksgiving early next month. Short of feigning I've got the black lung or swine fever I can't get out of it.

Exactly. Same here.