[Barreja]

We moved from NH to the San Francisco Bay Area about 1.5 years ago. The move was especially hard on our now 11 year old. Academically, she is thriving in one of the best school systems in the United States. She has yet to make a best friend her although she has friends. We have enrolled her husband n Swimming, tennis, softball and Dance. Still no "bestie" like like she had in NH. No after after school scocializing where in NH she had an awesome group of girls that we constantly shifted house to house, but she had one special friend I will call Julie. She is not a happy kid anymore. I'm worried. So we had just settled a small claims suit for a rew thousand and invited to fly her friend, Julie, out and let my girl be a kid again.

We invited her to come out for a week. I have posted the texts. I am appalled by the response.

From my daughter to

Hi Julie, My mom and me were wondering if you can come to CA instead of me going to NH.

My parents will pay for your plane ticket. Also you can come straight from Boston to California, you don't have to change planes(so you stay on the plane till you are in California.

We will pick you up in Oakland, CA. Then we will drive to my apartment so you can rest after the flight.

You can stay for a week and we can go to the beach, Yosemite, Great America, pools🏊, and way more.

You can sleep in my room or the living room.

So can you ask your parents? My mom and your parents can talk over the phone about it.
-Natalie😁"

After this text, I spoke with Julie's Mom. She was very enthusiastic and insisted on buying the ticket. I told her we already look at non-stops from Boston to Oakland. She was saying it's fair because her older child went on a cruise recently with her friend and that she would give Julie s phone, and so on. Exact date not pinned down but mid-August was the target. I told her how happy our girl was going to be and we had wonderful plans. I said we are in a good spot we won a lawsuit so we could could have a great time.

I didn't hear back for several days so here is t how it went:
******
Talk it over and do your research. We are thrilled and can't wait. We will take wonderful care if her😀

**** then I sent
Jerry said bos to Oakland is a day flight in jet blue. John said it is a good direct flight
Just FYI
******. 6 days later....

Any idea on a timeframe yet? I know you have family there. Our offer of airfare is still open. 😊 thanks Tardell Family. Just keep me advised we can't wait

******* almost immediately we received this response:

(1/3) Hi Jane, peter and I discussed this and we agree that we are not comfortable with the idea of sending Marlaina across country until she's at least 12. Tha
(2/3) t was the same situation for Adeleine going on a cruise. It has to be fair. She does not have a phone and I don't believe she's mature enough. maybe next

(3/3) year. Sorry, but it's a firm no this year.

*****my response:
Thanks for letting me know since we were under the impression was coming. Good thing I asked as saying yes , then reversing your decision of our very generous offer is going to disappoint my child more than you can understand. "It's a firm no" is a strange way of phrasing it and makes me bewildered as to the true reason that you are drawing a red line based on a chronological age. I'm missing something here but it's your decision of course.

I'm upset because there is no attempt to phrase it like "I'm sorry but Brian and I decided....thank you the generous offer". And further peeved that they didn't tell us, I had to ask.

I apologized:

Sorry for the knee-jerk reaction. I was out of line and understand your concerns as parents. She is always welcome and it is an open invitation. I'll call you tomorrow to talk.

******
My husband called the next day. Mind you we frequently socialized, barbecue, camping, went for walks with Julia Mom and confided life's issues; we were friends.

We never received a call back.
*****my husband sent this

I understand, we would be willing to even fly there and escort her to California. Natalie is so excited and happy. She was really perked up. We are sad to tell her she's not coming after she was told she will be. We already bought some tickets and planned the week. Would you reconsider maybe 4 days instead of 7 with an escort?

******answer
Jerry I need you and Jane to understand that we are not comfortable sending our daughter to be in your care 3000 miles away from us. Things you're sayin
(2/3) g are not adding up. A lawsuit, disability,
having money but being concerned with buying park tickets but okay to spend lots of money on flights. It just
(3/3) further reinforces our decision. Natalie needs to move on and nourish new friendships. This is done, final last decision. Tricia and Peter

Wow! That's what I'm thinking. My response would have been rabid, but my calmer husband replied:
******

I do understand concern about sending your kid 3000 miles. However, with FaceTime and a plane trip home at any time if needed only taking 6 hours. Not as big a deal as it use to be.

Really, I just wish you never said she was coming. Saying that and getting a girl excited about being able to continue a friendship and then saying no is a mean and cruel thing to do. Very hurtful and not expected.

Yes as far as the tickets already purchased , we will give them to her friends out here in California , but it was a mean thing to do to an eleven year old

(1/3) Jerry, I need you and Jane to understand that we are not comfortable sending our daughter to be in your care 3000 miles away from us. Things you're sayin
(2/3) g are not adding up. A lawsuit, disability,
having money but being concerned with buying park tickets but okay to spend lots of money on flights. It just
(3/3) further reinforces our decision. Natalie needs to move on and nourish new friendships. This is done, final last decision. Tricia and Peter

*****
I don't understand concern over buying park tickets or where that came from. I was just saying I had already purchased them, because we were told she was coming. I even talked my new boss into letting me have that week off.

I do understand concern about sending your kid 3000 miles. However, with FaceTime and a plane trip home at any time if needed only taking 6 hours. Not as big a deal as it use to be.

Really, I just wish you never said she was coming. Saying that and getting a girl excited about being able to continue a friendship and then saying no is a mean and cruel thing to do. Very hurtful and not expected.

Yes as far as the tickets already purchased , we will give them to her friends out here in California , but it was a mean thing to do to an eleven yr old.

Please don't do that to other people you know in the future

********
My response at this point:

My family did not deserve what you have done and said. I have never hurt you or treated you bad. But I will now.

and I proceeded to tell her how I felt about her response to a gracious, well intended invitation.
**********
My reply was pretty nasty. This is my kid your talking about hurting. Keep in mind Julie 's mom is a good parent I thought. She wasn't a helicopter mom like they stayed at home after school and they actually walked to school alone which from my experience rare these days. The plane excuse didn't jive. Almost all airlines allow unaccompanied minors with a beginning age of five usually with a fee of 50 to 100 dollars for care. Some incidents have occurred but only with connections, about 99.4% are successful and those were with younger children without phoneI am so hurt, I sobbed, and I don't cry easily. I have bipolar but explained my action at times as depression. Her mother has depression but they think she is faking it and believe you should just snap out of it. They knew I had a mental illness and this is all I can think of. I still haven't told my daughter yet.

What do you think.daughter, she will

[Crazy Hitch]

It's all round not a nice situation for anyone to be in.

Honestly, as a parent of my own 13 year old girl, I wouldn't let her fly 3000 miles to visit someone, no matter how close of a friend they were. Absolutely 150% no way.

I think that when you initially spoke to the mom, she may have made a rash decision on the phone, and then realised, when speaking it through with her husband, that they were not comfortable with this.

I think that the tragedy in this whole situation is a feud between two parents, which could now land up costing a friendship between two friends. I don't think the last exchange of text messages will be easily forgotten by her parents.

They are entitled to change their mind, and yes, the implications completely suck and any child in her shoes would be rightfully devastated.

But if ever you were in the situation again, somewhere down the line, I urge you nicely to please let your inner conflict remain your own inner conflict, and to really not go down the root of giving nasty replies to your daughter's potential new friends. My daughter certainly has parents of her friends who there's lots I could have said to, but choose not to.

[dshantel]

Hello, I'm sorry this has happened to you and your daughter. I would be hurt and upset if this had happened to my daughter as well. They shouldn't have given you an agreement answer until they had thought about it, instead of waiting a week and then changing their minds. It sounds like some mistrust on their part that has something to do with the lawsuit you guys won. Not sure why but it seems they are associating something bad with that and maybe the disability. I'm trying to go off the response you shared. I do think that you should go ahead and talk with your daughter before she gets even more excited. Try to explain that it's nothing she did and not her fault. Sometimes adults change their minds and we don't know why and that she is still able to have her tickets and invite a friend there if she wants. So sorry, best of wishes. ((((Hugs))))

[TishaBuv]

It's sad how people can turn on you so quickly.

I have to say, I'm not surprised the parents quickly changed their minds about their daughter flying out to you. It's a big, scary endeavor to do for a young tween to fly out so far away to visit a friend. It seems they were enthusiastic about it at first, but gave it a second thought and quickly decided no-go.

Then when you sent harsh words, they quickly turned off to you.

I'd suggest you try not to let this incident between the parents end the long-distance friendship between your daughter and her friend. Just step out of it, and let your daughter keep in touch with theirs.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you had this experience. It's very frustrating and disappointing. I would say the same thing. I would not let my young daughter fly 3,000 miles alone across the country. I would have said no upfront though.

[Erebos]

I hav a 16 year old a 12 and 11 year old I wouldn't allow them to travel 3000 miles alone.

However I might have considered accompanying them myself.
Funny things get said about people when they up sti cks and move. It's very common for all sorts of stories to go around about why they left. Sounds like it's possible this happened when you left.

On a different note, believe me I know how hard it is to watch your kid feel alone.
I have four kids who all have friendly acquaintances at school they have never had close friends until they reached the middle of high school.
Playground politics are brutal, especially amongst pre teen girls. They can drop friends for seemingly no reason and it's as though everyone else smells the blood in the water and know not to go near.
My eldest daughter suffered terribly in primary school from around 7-11. And it was heartbreaking the first year in high school wasn't much better.
I had to encourage her to just focus on her work, And tell her that when she found something that really interested her she would find her true friends there.

It was true enough, she had a passion for Asian culture and that's where she made her closest friends.

But it is hard, maybe you could ask her how things are different where you are now to where you came from.
Her perspective might give you insight into what's going wrong for her.
All the best. Take care.

[divine1966]

I am sorry for all this.

I think they just don't want to tell you the real reason. They might be uncomfortable with you paying for a ticket (taking in consideration that you struggle financially) or they simply dont want kid to stay in your house for a week. They possibly found something out it just gave it more thought. It's sad they didn't cancel afead of time but that's how some people are.

[Molinit]

It's their child and had you left it when they gave their "firm no" then things wouldn't have deteriorated. You kept pushing and pushing.

So now your daughter's friend is no more even if she does visit NH. Very sad.

[Barreja]

I think that I pushed it because knew how much it would hurt my child. Also, I would have understood a phone call to at least let us know. Again, a "thank you for the offer but ....." seemed more appropriate but I can't control others actions. In hindsight I realize it was her husband sending the responses not my friend. I do regret my response back.
I'm a bit surprised that none of you would let your child fly at the age of 11. You pay extra for being tended to and it is non-stop. I personally wouldn't hesitate if the offer was reversed.
Thanks for the replies. We did tell our girl and she took it better than we thought. Maybe I worry too much because it will get better for her at some point but this was such a special friendship and we are still deeply wounded by everything.
Take care

[Barreja]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I hav a 16 year old a 12 and 11 year old I wouldn't allow them to travel 3000 miles alone.


However I might have considered accompanying them myself.

Funny things get said about people when they up sti cks and move. It's very common for all sorts of stories to go around about why they left. Sounds like it's possible this happened when you left.


On a different note, believe me I know how hard it is to watch your kid feel alone.

I have four kids who all have friendly acquaintances at school they have never had close friends until they reached the middle of high school.

Playground politics are brutal, especially amongst pre teen girls. They can drop friends for seemingly no reason and it's as though everyone else smells the blood in the water and know not to go near.

My eldest daughter suffered terribly in primary school from around 7-11. And it was heartbreaking the first year in high school wasn't much better.

I had to encourage her to just focus on her work, And tell her that when she found something that really interested her she would find her true friends there.


It was true enough, she had a passion for Asian culture and that's where she made her closest friends.


But it is hard, maybe you could ask her how things are different where you are now to where you came from.

Her perspective might give you insight into what's going wrong for her.

All the best. Take care.

She told me its harder to make friends because you can't just walk up to someone say you want to play?. This was how they met at age 5. Your answers and a bit of time has made things better. She has a good friend who is Asian and my daughter live the different cultures. We have a very large Indian population who are just the most pleasant people Ive met.

[Barreja]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It's sad how people can turn on you so quickly.

I have to say, I'm not surprised the parents quickly changed their minds about their daughter flying out to you. It's a big, scary endeavor to do for a young tween to fly out so far away to visit a friend. It seems they were enthusiastic about it at first, but gave it a second thought and quickly decided no-go.

Then when you sent harsh words, they quickly turned off to you.

I'd suggest you try not to let this incident between the parents end the long-distance friendship between your daughter and her friend. Just step out of it, and let your daughter keep in touch with theirs.

In my defense, I didn't send or say anything harsh (or honest) until their rude response first. While I do wish I was so gracious to have handed it differently, I did need to let them know my feelings about their detached wording, which was a 180 of what I expected, i am only human and i don't regret my feelings and I had every right to tell them we were hurt by their actions. I did deserve a more respectful response and even offered to fly out ourselves to accompany her her here so the plane trip was not the truthful answer and the sudden distrust of us wad, really odd. This child was st our hour ALOT. We took her camping for a week and another vacation to the White Mountains fir another week. I need to let it go so...

[Barreja]

Sorry for spelling

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Barreja

I think that I pushed it because knew how much it would hurt my child. Also, I would have understood a phone call to at least let us know. Again, a "thank you for the offer but ....." seemed more appropriate but I can't control others actions. In hindsight I realize it was her husband sending the responses not my friend. I do regret my response back.
I'm a bit surprised that none of you would let your child fly at the age of 11. You pay extra for being tended to and it is non-stop. I personally wouldn't hesitate if the offer was reversed.
Thanks for the replies. We did tell our girl and she took it better than we thought. Maybe I worry too much because it will get better for her at some point but this was such a special friendship and we are still deeply wounded by everything.
Take care

My daughter flew alone since young age so that wouldn't be an issue. But she flew to be with family members not to stay in the house of someone she went to school a year and a half ago. They were friends but it doesn't make it comfortable for her parents to send her to stay in your house for that long. They don't know how you live and what are your living conditions. They also clearly were confused that you are struggling so bad yet paying her tickets and upkeep at your house. It would make me uncomfortable too. You just have to think how it looks to others

[Barreja]

They know hiw we kive. We were friends and neighbors for over five years and saw each either daily. I dont take issue with her decision but the manner in which she never told me then the curt answer implied there is something wrong. The girls Facetime, there is Facebook, Instagram etc., my home is quite nice and she knows it. Something else changed and Im hurt and confused. They struggle too so....

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Barreja

They know hiw we kive. We were friends and neighbors for over five years and saw each either daily. I dont take issue with her decision but the manner in which she never told me then the curt answer implied there is something wrong. The girls Facetime, there is Facebook, Instagram etc., my home is quite nice and she knows it. Something else changed and Im hurt and confused. They struggle too so....

Maybe someone said something to them about you and that made change their mind?

[Barreja]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Maybe someone said something to them about you and that made change their mind?

I think you are right. Something changed.

[divine1966]

Are they reading on here or maybe you are posting somewhere else too? Or are you sharing anything about your life with any people they might know? If you mentioned drugs (not that you do them but just talking about them so they assumed you do drugs), any kind of other instability of mood/behavior, fights with your husband, you catching your husband being on hook up sites, not having jobs and money etc

I think either they or someone else read it or heard from someone and they thought they can't send their kid there. I am pretty sure something like that happened

[lovethesun]

Barreja.....I feel your pain. I've been in several situations with my kids and their friendships, where all of the sudden things got weird between us parents and things were said, actions were taken and many questions were raised as to why someone did what or said what. Definitely sounds like there is some missing information as to why exactly the parents of Julie made the decision they did. I think they probably were concerned over the distance ( I would be too), but I get the feeling there was something else involved that also played into their decision to say no. I also understand how you feel with having to break the disappointing news to your daughter and try to explain it to her when even you don't quite understand why they said no. It's a tough spot to be in for you and your daughter. And I will also say that I completely understand things getting heated and saying things that now you wish may not have been said. I had a parent argue with me and she kept trying to make it personal between she and I. Blowing insult after insult at me. I kept my focus on the topic at hand and did not return her nasty comments, but boy was it hard to do. I still look back on that conversation and wish I'd given her the vicious verbal lashing I feel she deserved, but it would have made things very awkward for my daughter and me, especially since we have to live 2 doors down from each other (as a side note---If I ever move, I'm going to let her have it on moving day!). Anyway, I hope that maybe after the smoke clears from all of this, that your daughter and Julie will be able to reconnect as friends again. As for the parents, the relationship will probably never be the same and they will always have their guard up, but who cares. I think this is more about your daughter and Julie anyway. They are both blameless in all of this. I'd let your daughter know that it's still okay to be friends with Julie. Maybe the time now is not right for a visit, but they could still stay in touch and remain friends.