[yagr]

I recently gave my wife an ultimatum. It's a new step for me; I've never given anyone I love an ultimatum before and frankly, it hurt my heart to do so. Nevertheless, I think it was the correct thing to do in this situation. I'm not sure how important the actual issue is to my problem but here's a paragraph or two of background in the event that it is:

I quit my job and began working for myself a few weeks ago. The new job requires me to be out of town and my first foray into this new employment, I was scheduled to be gone for five days. On the morning of the fourth day however, my wife failed to make our scheduled 7am call. Nor did she respond to my calls or texts. I can't over state how incredibly out of character this is for her - she blows up my phone incessantly, even if I have told her that I am too busy to get calls or messages.

Hurrying home, six hours away, I had someone go to the house to check on her. Failing to get her to answer the door, I asked them to enter the house to look for her. They found her in a meth induced psychosis hiding in the bedroom. She had been clean almost two years. She is also on parole and a dirty UA has the potential to send her back to prison for life without the possibility of parole.

So, still under the influence when I arrived home, I waited till morning to have the conversation. I told her that while I loved her very much, that if she chose drugs over me, our marriage, and our lives together one more time, that I would leave. Then I did something unprecedented for me, I gave her my word.

She assured me that this was the last time, that this time is different, etc. I know that she believes what she is saying but I am an addict myself, albeit one with over twenty-five years clean, and I know a thing or two about addiction. I know that if nothing changes, nothing changes. I know too, though she has forgotten, that she said the same thing last time she relapsed and the time before that, and the time...

I believe that she will relapse again. It may take a year, two years or even three, but she is not doing anything different. She is just hanging on by her fingernails, not adding any tools to her toolbox. Eventually, without any new tools, I can see no other end game but her picking up again. Which brings me to the dilemma that I didn't see coming when I gave her this ultimatum:

I find myself in this state of limbo where I feel like I'm simply waiting for our relationship to be over. I'm feeling reluctant to invest in it any further because I believe that she will use again and then I'm going to be forced to leave. So what do I do during the interim of the next two years or so? If I am right, then any further investment in 'us' is lost.

I feel like I've one foot in the relationship and one foot out. I'm thinking, for the first time in our relationship, about what my life would look like without the relationship. I'm thinking about the direction of my life going forward without her and almost nothing about the direction of our life going forward together. I am finding myself becoming resentful of the time I am giving up waiting for an eventuality that I cannot see us avoiding.

I am certainly not ready to preemptively leave, but I am in uncharted territory, feeling alone, confused and uncertain. I would welcome thoughts.

[divine1966]

I am so very sorry. I can't advice you on what to do in your situation. I'd not live with user of illegal substance. Or any addict actually (I lived with alcoholic, never again). But I can't tell you what to do. My heart breaks for you. It's so sad, isn't it.

Living with alcoholic I was constantly one foot out. If you feel one foot out but don't intend to leave, spend that time getting your affairs in order and work on bettering yourself as you can't change her.

I know you live on reservation, are there any services for addicts?

[yagr]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am so very sorry.

Thank you. I didn't realize the emotions were so close to the surface but cried as soon as I read this. I'm not one of those people who think that crying is a bad thing though, so again, thanks for helping me realize the hurt that I am feeling.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I can't advice you on what to do in your situation. I'd not live with user of illegal substance. Or any addict actually (I lived with alcoholic, never again).

Well, I am an addict myself, but as I said, I've been clean and sober for over twenty-five years: May 10th, 1992. So the fact that she is an addict is certainly not my line, but active addiction is something else entirely.

Originally Posted by divine1966

But I can't tell you what to do. My heart breaks for you. It's so sad, isn't it.

Horribly sad - borderline hopeless.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Living with alcoholic I was constantly one foot out. If you feel one foot out but don't intend to leave, spend that time getting your affairs in order and work on bettering yourself as you can't change her.

*nods* I think that is good advice and I have begun doing so. I was beginning the process of getting myself back in college, and this recent situation made me reconsider briefly. I was going to go back to school here but am working 300 miles away and if the marriage dissolved, it would make no sense for me to continue living here and maintaining this 600 mile commute (roundtrip). So I considered postponing my return until I saw what happened but decided against it. I might be waiting the rest of my life, it may come tomorrow - and I can't put my life completely on hold until I see which way this goes.

I have plans to move our travel trailer into an RV park when an opening arises near where I am working to avoid the hotel costs that I am incurring now, and she has suggested moving us there. There are so many practical reasons why this would not work out, but I am finding myself rather happy that it won't, because it would give me an established place to go in the event that this doesn't work out.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I know you live on reservation, are there any services for addicts?

There are, but she will not take advantage of them. I do not blame her for this particular choice, the level of incompetence is astounding on the rez in general and no where is this more pronounced that in the mental health department. Too, gossip is rampant and she is on parole. Regardless of HIPPA regulations, any contact with addiction services would alert her parole officer that there is a problem and could create more problems.

She did have a therapist she was seeing until recently but she quit six weeks ago because it was 'too hard' to go. Her counselor also suggested that perhaps she stop at this time because she did not seem to be engaged or committed to the process currently. Couldn't blame her for that; my wife cancelled about half her appointments and rarely with more than a few hours notice.

Thank you very much for responding divine, I needed someone to.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position and I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. Do you think this relationship can continue with you having one foot out the door and feeling the way you feel? I ask this because it appears that your wife is not willing to put in the work or show you a good faith effort that she intends to stay clean. I wish you the best and hope you make a decision that brings you peace and healing. Sending big hugs.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position and I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.

Thank you Jennifer.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Do you think this relationship can continue with you having one foot out the door and feeling the way you feel?

I honestly do not yet know. I know that feelings evolve and I am very early into uncharted territory. I know too that between my poor health and money having been very tight for some time now, my wife and I have had had limited opportunities to have extracurricular fun. So, I have made arrangements to have an all day date with her tomorrow. We are going out of town to a lovely area she has never been to before, go sightseeing, visit an art gallery and finishing the night with a Broadway-type show at the theatre.

Perhaps my answer lies less about investing in our long term future as it is investing in the now.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I ask this because it appears that your wife is not willing to put in the work or show you a good faith effort that she intends to stay clean. I wish you the best and hope you make a decision that brings you peace and healing. Sending big hugs.

I believe that my wife is not putting in the work because she does not recognize it as helpful. I believe it is akin to telling someone that 'if you want to quit smoking, you should eat a lemon everyday'. That person not buying a bag of lemons at the grocer is not necessarily an indication that they are not serious about quitting smoking, it may just be that they feel it is snake oil. I believe that she is sincere in her desire and decision to not use any more, I just think she's unarmed entering the biggest fight of her life.

Thank you so much for your support.

I am sorry she has put you through so much. I remember in another posting where her spending habits have also been very disappointing.

It is hard to stop helping the people we love even when they disrespect the money and effort we invest in them. Sometimes we beat ourselves up even when we put more effort into the relationship than they have.

Perhaps since you took this first step, perhaps you will be able to leave sooner. I assume you are sad because you know her well enough to know she will not turn around. No expectations or pressure from me though. I am in a permanent state of confusion. I am sorry you are sad but if you can eventually reach clarity on what to do and take action then things may get better for you. I hope so.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I am sorry she has put you through so much. I remember in another posting where her spending habits have also been very disappointing.

*nods* Although I do think her spending habits are simply a manifestation of her addiction.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

It is hard to stop helping the people we love even when they disrespect the money and effort we invest in them. Sometimes we beat ourselves up even when we put more effort into the relationship than they have.

I'm not sure here. It may be that she puts even more effort into the relationship than I do but that her life and relationship skills don't produce as much. To clarify, it might be like the two of us (you and I) preparing to fell trees to chop into firewood for the Winter. You set the alarm clock and are out the door at the crack of dawn with your trusty hatchet, the only tool you have. I, on the other hand, wake up at noon, head out with my industrial chain-saw and give it a couple of hours before I decide to quit for the day. You come in only after the sun set and I've still cut more firewood than you did - but not because I worked harder, but because I had superior tools.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Perhaps since you took this first step, perhaps you will be able to leave sooner. I assume you are sad because you know her well enough to know she will not turn around. No expectations or pressure from me though. I am in a permanent state of confusion. I am sorry you are sad but if you can eventually reach clarity on what to do and take action then things may get better for you. I hope so.

I think that it is more that I know addiction and recovery well enough to think that it is unlikely that she'll turn this ship around. I love her though, and want and am dedicated to giving her every chance to be successful, I just don't like her, and hence our, chances. I also want, and am dedicated to giving myself every chance to be successful in the event that I am right about her chances. My fear is that success goes in the direction I plan for.

Thank you very much for responding; each perspective helps me clarify my own thinking more and has been helpful.

Originally Posted by yagr

Perhaps my answer lies less about investing in our long term future as it is investing in the now.

YES. Invest in the now and less on the future of things. I think you have your own answer.

[Sunflower123]

From your responses, it seems like you really want this to work out. I hope it does. I wish you and your wife success, peace and happiness.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

From your responses, it seems like you really want this to work out. I hope it does. I wish you and your wife success, peace and happiness.

Thank you Jennifer, you read my responses correctly and I thank you sincerely for your well wishes.

It sounds like your wife has many challenges but at least she has you! She is very lucky to have you.