At the end of July, my boyfriend moved to another city. I have not coped well with this. No matter how much I rationalize it (because of finances and jobs, it was necessary for us to live in different cities for the time being) and realize that isn't actually personal, I still feel abandoned. My needs aren't being met (which is the reality of the situation I guess). My needs were never met or I was betrayed/abandoned by previous people I've attached to. This was the first person who was consistent enough for me to begin to build trust and slowly start forging an actual secure attachment. And now I'm alone in this town and my chronic loneliness has gotten much worse. Everything is by myself now. Sure, I talk and interact with people, but I don't attach. It's not quite the same thing. It doesn't make me feel less lonely I mean.

But this has backtracked me in that secure attachment. I have strong feelings of abandonment and betrayal almost. Even though rationally, that is not happening. I've felt some deep emotion that I really don't understand. It's almost like rage, but deeper? I can usually identify emotions and understand them with self reflection but this was beyond me. I just deep down feel very angry at him, but it's not like he did it to intentionally hurt me (my subconscious doesn't seem to believe that though).

I'm not really looking for advice, because there's nothing really that can be done differently. I've asked him to initiate communication more and he hasn't initiated much more than before. He's going through a difficult time emotionally (employment/financial issues) so it's not like he is realistically going to be able to meet my needs right now. But that doesn't change the feelings.

I'm just hoping someone understands and can help reassure me or knows of any ways to cope or convince these feelings that they're not rational. I just want to talk to someone about how I'm feeling.

[divine1966]

I understand and send you hugs. It must be very tough. But it shall pass too, it's temporary. If I may ask how far is the distance?

It should be temporary. Hopefully only for a year. He's only about an hour away, which isn't far at all, but of course he's less physically available than if we lived in the same city so it just feels further than it is.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

It should be temporary. Hopefully only for a year. He's only about an hour away, which isn't far at all, but of course he's less physically available than if we lived in the same city so it just feels further than it is.

.

You can do it. Just keep communication open. And can you see each other when off work? I commute an hour one day every single work day so I dint see it as long distance but I understand it is stressful

We've been seeing each other on weekends even though neither of us are technically working much at the moment. I just got hired at my neighborhood high school as staff, but because of background checks/physical/all the other paperwork and stuff I have to do at the district headquarters I wasn't predicted to start until Wednesday. He is an adjunct professor in another state (obviously looking for more work and for full time positions for next year, but until then he had to move back home). Before this job actually begins, I just have a lot of down time and I struggle if I don't have places I have to be at specific times. I've kept myself as busy as possible but I'm alone a lot and it makes me feel more lonely.

I kind of feel like we could have spent more time together in the past week, but then again maybe not. We couldn't spend as much time together this weekend because I had to work Saturday (I have a second part time job that becomes full time when school isn't in session), but we're going to watch the eclipse together tomorrow since I haven't been called into the district office yet and his class doesn't start until Tuesday. Might as well since we're pretty much right in the direct path of it. After that, hopefully there will be weekends at least.

[Erebos]

Me and my partner live about an hour apart. Neither of us drive so we are reliant on buses and trains.
I think my fella finds it harder than I do, because I have kids and animals at home. Where as he is not working at the moment.
He has started volunteer work though to help him feel like he is being productive.

If you could set up a regular routine. Perhaps that would ease things over time.
It will take your subconscious a little time to realiseyournot being abandoned.

All the best, take care.

[Sunflower123]

You and he could keep in close contact via calls, text, FaceTime and Skype plus alternating visiting each other. I know this has to be hard. I sympathize. It would have me down too but if you could look at it as a small bump in the road or even as an adventure to learn more about yourself, that may help. Sending big hugs.

[MickeyCheeky]

Keep in contact. I know it must be really hard for you (it's probably really hard for him, as well), but try to hang on. Try to see him at every chance you can. Wish you good luck. It'd probably be very hard for me, as well.

Thanks guys. We spent all of yesterday together and it reminded me at least why I love him. Separation at the end is still difficult though. Also, dealing with this week is stressful (waiting to hear about the next step of the hiring process and terrified that they're going to rescind the offer for some reason) and dealing with things like trying to get a new lease. I really wish I didn't have to do this stuff alone.

So, an update...the relationship part is fine, although I do still feel very lonely. This has pretty much destroyed our sex life though. At least for me; he's probably fine. Since we have so few opportunities now it pretty much means there will be pressure to do it when the opportunity comes up. I can't do it if there's any amount of pressure or planning involved.

I'm not really sure what to unless I just take care of him and not let him reciprocate or just be completely abstinent.

Also, our daily doesn't meet my needs. I'm probably just too needy. Or it's probably my fault for not initiating other forms of communication. I'm just not super comfortable with it. Basically, all we do now are Facebook messages sporadically during the day. I wish I was comfortable with initiating other forms of communication but then I'd have to do it 100% of the time and that's just hard to keep up with.

[HannahsHappiness]

Hello,
I am new to the forum but your story resonated with me as I am going through something very similar. Only in my case, I was the one who moved away (3 hours) to get a handle on depression/anxiety. I understand what you mean about the physical loneliness. It is very hard not having someone physically with you that you have previously been with every single day!
I know you weren’t seeking advice but FaceTime has helped us a lot. We FaceTime every night before bed or whenever I am having a crying episode. It is extremely difficult to be separated from the person you love, I understand.
I just keep telling myself this is temporary and sometimes in life you have to “adjust your sails” when things aren’t going the way you want them to.
If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

So you're not having much sexual intimacy and your daily needs are not met. What are you getting out of this relationship?

Clearly I can't explain the situation enough so never mind.

Keep posting... I didn't mean to inhibit you. I just didn't understand. I haben;t read the entire thread either, so that's my bad if you've said some things and I missed them. My apologies if my post upset you.

Basically, I have very bad anxiety with sex. It's gotten much worse since there's less opportunity, which means more pressure to perform with the opportunity arises. Even though I get physically aroused, emotionally I'm terrified and full of guilt and shame (although that's more common afterwards). I'm unable to say what I want most of the time so I feel so powerless. If I didn't have some sort of dysfunction, our sex life would be more or less fine.

Otherwise, I seem to have attachment issues. I seem to align very much with the anxious-avoidant style or the supposedly rare and hard to understand one. The traits (I definitely have) are: low confidence/self-esteem, negative view of others, a desire to be connected but too much hesitation to do so most of the time, fear of rejection/abandonment, not being good enough or worthy, wanting to withdraw or avoid relationships constantly because of fear, not being able to trust others (very easily), sometimes feeling more invested in a relationship than the other person, a tendency to be dependent (since I'm too incapable of making my own decisions or doing things on my own), very hesitant to share about myself and feelings, and tend to be passive and avoid conflict by just conceding my needs to others immediately.

Psych professionals in the past have considered avoidant personality disorder maybe with borderline traits. Haven't had that confirmed recently because I don't have insurance right now and I have a hard time trusting another therapist. I don't attach and if they say anything that upsets me at all (even innocuous), I simply won't go back.

Having him move because of work/lack of work has made all my issues worse. Separation anxiety threatens to ruin the time I do get to spend with him. I was actually starting to creep towards a more secure attachment, but this just set me back.

You certainly have a lot of insight into yourself! That's very admirable. I do think therapy would be highly beneficial for you, if you could learn to trust and not react if you feel hurt. You could talk through the feelings instead of turning away. A good therapist would work with you on this.

Also, it's easy to overthink things and over analyze. You could try video Skyping with you bf and talking on the phone more often. That may help you feel closer to him. My bf and I video Skype a lot and it helps to see his face and facial expressions to feel connected to him. Relationships take effort - especially long distance, and it's worth the effort of maintaining a connection when you truly love someone.

The thing is, with Skyping and calling on the phone, I'm often afraid I'll call at the wrong time or I won't have important enough things to talk about (a dynamic that played out with my parents). So if I'm initiating every time, I'm probably going to avoid calling unless I feel like I have a specific reason to. It's probably just my problem. And it's just not in his nature to initiate and that's how it's always been (he also believes that phone calls make me anxious which they can).

[HannahsHappiness]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

The thing is, with Skyping and calling on the phone, I'm often afraid I'll call at the wrong time or I won't have important enough things to talk about (a dynamic that played out with my parents). So if I'm initiating every time, I'm probably going to avoid calling unless I feel like I have a specific reason to. It's probably just my problem. And it's just not in his nature to initiate and that's how it's always been (he also believes that phone calls make me anxious which they can).

Could you schedule a time to Skype or FaceTime? For us, we don't text all day so that we can talk about our entire day on FaceTime before we go to bed. The scheduling aspect of it would maybe help your fear of calling at the wrong time or not having much to say. It sounds like he is trying to be helpful by not initiating, which the scheduling aspect could also help both of you with initiating the communication.