[Super Girl Belle]

We are getting married in a couple of months and we are planning on saving money to start our own business. We are currently employed and both earning but not too much. We plan to start the business mid next year so we are cutting expenses to save more. We are currently living together abroad and our parents are aware of it and it was okay with them since we are adults. We are 30 years old adult and very independent. Our relationship is smooth and we are happy. But what isn’t happy is that my fiancé’s mother keeps on asking money from him and wants to send her on monthly basis. At first it was okay with me. But I noticed every month she keeps asking and it bothers me a lot because we have our own plans and we will start our own family too. She is asking money to pay their utility bills and school tuition of his step siblings.

When my fiancé was still single, he had supported them for consecutive five years and also sent his youngest brother to school and now he finished his studies in college. So I think that was enough. I heard that his younger sister also refused to send money to their mother now because she is jobless in the USA now. But before, she did support his mother as well.

I haven’t met his mother because I am living abroad and had no chance to meet her as well. But I know that she is still young around 50’s and his step father is also young and still has the ability to work. Though I heard that his step father sometimes is experiencing high blood pressure but I know it is manageable and working part time but not enough to support his mother and children.

Am I wrong? Am I selfish if I ask my fiancé to stop supporting his mother? I don’t want to discuss this with him as if I am controlling him and manipulating him. Please advise. Thanks a lot! God speed..

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I agree your fiancé has done more then enough to support his mom and his family. You are not being selfish. You are trying to build a future and at some point start your own family with your fiancé. This is something you need to talk over with him. Work through in your head how you are going to approach this. To me, you're not being controlling at all. Good luck and best wishes.

[Super Girl Belle]

Hi Ms. Jennifer,

Many thanks for your advice. You helped me to relieve my stress and anxiety. At least I am confident that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am not being selfish. I felt really worried and afraid that my fiance' would get hurt if I discuss it with him. For me this is very uncomfortable issue to discuss. And as much as possible I don't like money to be an issue. Really. Sometimes, I can read his conversation with his mother and I felt very guilty when he is saying that he doesn't have money. I don't know if I am being paranoid thinking it was my fault.
I am a kind woman and I care about people but I am not used to the situation like this. I will discuss it with him in a nice approach.

Thanks again Ms. Jennifer!

Cheers! Mwuah

Super Girl Belle

In some cultures it's normal to provide money family that can't provide for itself, like in "our" culture it's normal to pay taxes o the government can provide for those who can't provide for themselves. Because of this, I find it difficult to say your fiancé should or should not support his mother and his/her family. I think he should do what he feels is best, of course after he has taken your opinion into account, given that you're about to be married. (Taking into account your opinion doesn't necessarily mean he'll do exactly as you want - just that he considers your wishes)

Have you talked to him about this?

And I don't think (but I'm an Aspie, I think differently/weirdly about social issues sometimes, so please don't take my opinion as gospel) it'd be unreasonable if you tell him you want him to put all his money in the upcoming business, or that you won't marry him if he continues to do this/force him to stop if you do marry him.

[Shazerac]

You are not wrong to feel like this. You have a right to your feelings. This issue to of supporting the in laws is a VERY important issue to address BEFORE you are married. It won't solve itself. The two of you have to reach an agreement about this. If it turns out that you are not ok with him sending him money to his family, you may have to rethink your choice of partner.

MY dysfunctional family would be perfectly happy for me to support them for the rest of their life. WHen I stopped it, I was suddenly "selfish, mean, heartless and greedy."

[Rose76]

Like it or not, money is an issue in a relationship. I think you're going to have to sit down and talk with your husband about this . . . or you're going to explode and it will come out anyway. Better to do it when you're calm.

Unfortunately, your mother-in-law had many years to brainwash your husband inti thinking that this is a proper role for him to play. She succeeded, and he believes that. Trying to convince him to step back from that role is going to be awfully hard. This is something you're going to be struggling with for, probably, years to come. It's totally nuts, but it is what it is. Financially supporting his family of origin is all tied up in your husbands mind with what he thinks it means for him to be a good person. You're not going to change that thinking in a one hour conversation. That's why I say: be prepared for years of struggling against this.

It's inappropriate and just plain wrong. It can undermine all your plans as a couple and, even, the survival of the marriage. You have a huge challenge on your hands. Start by establishing that their should be no financial secrets between two partners in a marriage. You don't want your husband to try to simply hide from you what he does for his mother and the rest of them. You need to know where marital resources are going. Ideally, you should have access to all accounts your husband has money in . . . and monitor what goes in and out. At the same time, you don't want him tapping into your income to transfer it to his relatives. It might be prudent for your income to go into an account that your husband doesn't have automatic access to. Sit down regularly and "go over the books" and keep out in the open how much money your man diverts to these blood-suckers.

His folks are in their 50's and they're bleeding him. Getting older will simply make their neediness worse. That might be one of the things to point out to him in a calm conversation. Try not to get upset and angry when you talk with him about this, though you sure have reason to be. You must have had some idea of this unheathy relation with his family before you married him. But you probably didn't make a big issue of it then. So you can't honestly act all shocked now. This is the dynamic you married into.

In no way am I saying you should just accept this, but you married this man as he is. In a good marriage, spouses can influence each other to grow and change in a positive direction. Make that your goal, but appreciate it will be a long, slow process.

I agree that your husband (and you) are being exploited by his family. But he goes along with this willingly. You need to find a way to get him to re-think this. That family isn't going to change. They're leeches. If you manage to get him to step back from supporting them, they're going to figure out that you are upsetting their applecart . . . and they are going to resent you. They'll try to turn him against you. You've got a big challenge, but - now - your influence on this man can be bigger than his mother's. Just understand that she is not going to willingly step aside. She is going to battle you every step of the way. Despite that, you have to minimize open friction with her because this is a woman your husband loves. Don't get baited into being openly hostile toward her in front of your husband. Wives come and wives go, but the mother is always the mother.

Good Luck.

[Rose76]

Sorry. I thought you were already married. I see you're not . . . but you have already blended your life with his. Now is definitely none too soon to air this issue with you fiance. But, as I said above, I don't think a few conversations with him are going to turn this around.

[Super Girl Belle]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Like it or not, money is an issue in a relationship. I think you're going to have to sit down and talk with your husband about this . . . or you're going to explode and it will come out anyway. Better to do it when you're calm.

Unfortunately, your mother-in-law had many years to brainwash your husband inti thinking that this is a proper role for him to play. She succeeded, and he believes that. Trying to convince him to step back from that role is going to be awfully hard. This is something you're going to be struggling with for, probably, years to come. It's totally nuts, but it is what it is. Financially supporting his family of origin is all tied up in your husbands mind with what he thinks it means for him to be a good person. You're not going to change that thinking in a one hour conversation. That's why I say: be prepared for years of struggling against this.

It's inappropriate and just plain wrong. It can undermine all your plans as a couple and, even, the survival of the marriage. You have a huge challenge on your hands. Start by establishing that their should be no financial secrets between two partners in a marriage. You don't want your husband to try to simply hide from you what he does for his mother and the rest of them. You need to know where marital resources are going. Ideally, you should have access to all accounts your husband has money in . . . and monitor what goes in and out. At the same time, you don't want him tapping into your income to transfer it to his relatives. It might be prudent for your income to go into an account that your husband doesn't have automatic access to. Sit down regularly and "go over the books" and keep out in the open how much money your man diverts to these blood-suckers.

His folks are in their 50's and they're bleeding him. Getting older will simply make their neediness worse. That might be one of the things to point out to him in a calm conversation. Try not to get upset and angry when you talk with him about this, though you sure have reason to be. You must have had some idea of this unheathy relation with his family before you married him. But you probably didn't make a big issue of it then. So you can't honestly act all shocked now. This is the dynamic you married into.

In no way am I saying you should just accept this, but you married this man as he is. In a good marriage, spouses can influence each other to grow and change in a positive direction. Make that your goal, but appreciate it will be a long, slow process.

I agree that your husband (and you) are being exploited by his family. But he goes along with this willingly. You need to find a way to get him to re-think this. That family isn't going to change. They're leeches. If you manage to get him to step back from supporting them, they're going to figure out that you are upsetting their applecart . . . and they are going to resent you. They'll try to turn him against you. You've got a big challenge, but - now - your influence on this man can be bigger than his mother's. Just understand that she is not going to willingly step aside. She is going to battle you every step of the way. Despite that, you have to minimize open friction with her because this is a woman your husband loves. Don't get baited into being openly hostile toward her in front of your husband. Wives come and wives go, but the mother is always the mother.

Good Luck.

Thanks Ms. Rose 76 for your advice. You really helped me to see things beyond my knowledge on this kind of situation. I'm trying to widen my thoughts and I am trying to understand that his family is not like mine. He came from a broken family and his mother married another man. Who can't provide much for his mother.

I am just thinking that his mother will be my mother too when we get married legally so it wont hurt me so much if he still decides to give money to his mother. I just don't like the idea of becoming a villain in his relationship with his mom. I don't want to feel awkward and guilty when I meet his mom.

I will tell my husband to give them money so they could start their own small business to feed themselves for a lifetime..

I truly appreciate your advise Ms. Rose and for all the friends who gave their comments and advises above. Thank you very much!

God Bless!

[Rose76]

Bless you for your optimism, Super Girl. Making a go of a business is harder than just working for someone else. It takes more drive, self-discipline and willingness to sacrifice today for the future. It requires a responsible approach to life. These are all virtues lacking in M.I.L. and her husband. So don't invest too heavily in setting them up in business. I know women older than your M.I.L. who are in business for themselves cleaning people's homes. This is what hard workers who want independence do. This woman is going to keep doing what she's accustomed to doing. She is going to always try and exploit her son.

It's sweet of you to want to think of her as your mother too. Wait till you see how much she's going to care for you. I think you'll discover she's a taker, not a giver. You're going to have to become a politician. You're going to have to say some things "for effect," rather than speaking from the heart. Be polite to M.I.L. Try and find some good in her, which she may have. When you meet, embrace and welcome her. BUT - recognize that this woman has an agenda, and it's opposed to your legitimate agenda. Tell your husband that his mom is a very dear person and you want the best for her. But convey that his responsibilities to you and his future children will mean that he can't do all he would like to do for Mom. You don't want resources stolen from your future children to lavish on this woman. Stop thinking that "controlling and manipulating" are always wrong. I'm here to say that they are not. You are up against a woman who is all about manipulating, and she is not about to change. Your husband is being manipulated. From babyhood, he was trained to be manipulated by her. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

This woman is a human being with a story of her own. She deserves compassion and understanding. Something happened that led to her not believing in her own ability to take care of herself. She may be a product of a dysfunctional family. So she does what she knows how to do. Gradually, you'll learn the story of how she came to be as she is. It's possible to care about someone, without being willing to enable that person's weakness. Your husband needs to learn that he shouldn't have to buy his mother's love. He needs to learn that it's not his job to solve all his mother's problems and that he won't be a bad person, if he stops doing that. So it would be good for you to plan on loving his mom, but plan on having to deal with her having a chronic problem. This is a problem that can be destructive to the happiness of your marriage, so you are going to have to expect to work on it with your husband . . . and that will be a slow process.

Originally Posted by Super Girl Belle

Thanks Ms. Rose 76 for your advice. You really helped me to see things beyond my knowledge on this kind of situation. I'm trying to widen my thoughts and I am trying to understand that his family is not like mine. He came from a broken family and his mother married another man. Who can't provide much for his mother.

I am just thinking that his mother will be my mother too when we get married legally so it wont hurt me so much if he still decides to give money to his mother. I just don't like the idea of becoming a villain in his relationship with his mom. I don't want to feel awkward and guilty when I meet his mom.

I will tell my husband to give them money so they could start their own small business to feed themselves for a lifetime..

I truly appreciate your advise Ms. Rose and for all the friends who gave their comments and advises above. Thank you very much!

God Bless!

God bless you and your good heart. That is very kind, compassionate, generous and understanding of you to be OK with this. I am glad you came to a decision and are at peace with it -- best of luck with all your endeavors & congrats on your upcoming marriage! Sounds exciting!!

[Fuzzybear]