[DazedandConfused254]

Hello everyone. I am a 22 year old single man who just graduated from college, who has developed numerous friendships during my fun and fast four years, but I have had a history of bad luck keeping friendships involving the opposite gender. Here it goes….

I am not in a hurry to marry (fine to date for a few years before marriage), or start a family, and I have not tried as hard as I probably could have to keep a date, considering that I view my education as my highest priority, but I have always had an interest in romantic relationships. In high school I pushed and pushed to ask a few girls that I liked on dates, but to no avail. When I eventually did find someone that I consistently took on dates for a few months during my senior year of high school, I felt a disconnect and sensed a lack of maturity with this person, and she never became my girlfriend. Asking a girl to my senior prom also seemed like a frustrating task. Once I got to college, I found a lovely and perky lady in my major who I struck a close friendship with, but then lost her when she seemed distracted with her social life and started dating someone else. Along the way I have also made opposite-gender friends who I enjoyed pursuing hobbies with (my social organizations, church functions, and chatting over coffee). I also had multiple female friends in my Bible study groups, but all of them were either already dating or cringed with anxiety at the thought of dating. I even left my church of two years because of my dissatisfaction over my superficial relationships with a largely female congregation. Since then, I have given up on the possibility of dating and harbor angry thoughts against my female peers and women in general.

I do have some unattractive qualities, such as “being too nice”, invading someone’s space when I’m impatient or upset, being clingy, being overly passionate and rigid about my religion, but I am also considered very handsome by my close friends, have travelled to several countries, earned an Eagle Scout award, adore football and baseball and crave the outdoors. People always remember me for having a cheerful, people-loving and positive demeanor like no other, and I always try to think of something encouraging to say to people, even those I dislike with a passion.

But no matter how hard I try, my efforts to date or just simply be friends with ladies just end up in embarrassment and shame or I get stuck in the “friendzone”. Seeing my peers in happy relationships and marriage, both on social media and in person, intensifies my self-pity and anxiety I have been coping with for the past year. Is there something wrong with me? Is it true that I am unlovable?

My friend, imo, you sound like an absolute joy to be around! You are well-rounded, interesting and dynamic. Of course you're lovable, please don't question that about yourself. And I'm not just saying that. People love to be around positive people, and those who are encouraging. You have much to offer! And to boot, you're self aware and self reflective, a trait that is most rare. Treasure your special qualities, as you have many.

Perhaps though, work on the clingyness and invading people's space, as that can turn people off. It could be a reason why you're in the friend zone and not having much success with dating. Women don't like clingyness and will turn away from it. You need to give people breathing room to allow the friendship due time to develop, be nourished and grow into something. Allow for that breathing room and for trust to develop first. Also, rigidity about religion is a tough one. You may do best with someone from the same religious views and background, or perhaps try to be more open to others' viewpoints. The more open and accepting you are, the more you will be better received by other people. Religion is a very touchy subject for most, and most don't like someone shoving their views down their throats... so perhaps be careful with that one.

You're very young and have plenty of time ahead to develop new friendships and romantic relationships.

I am curious though.. why harbor anger towards women? It's not their issue, it's something for you to develop and work on. And please don't take my feedback the wrong way. I am just trying to help provide something to work on.

Have faith in yourself, love yourself for all the beautiful qualities you have to offer, be confident about those things, work on your weakest spots, and keep trying. You'll get there! Clearly, you don't have a problem attracting and making friendships. ((((Hugs))))

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate to your feelings (and unlike you, I don't have a lot of redeeming qualities..). Please, don't give up. I'm sure you will meet some women who loves you.. you sound like a very pleasent person.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. You sound very lovable to me with many endearing qualities. I hope you find a woman who deserves your affection soon. Sending big hugs.

[DazedandConfused254]

Wow thanks a million golden_eve!!! I just about cried when I saw that lovely reply from you. I have beaten myself over the head constantly this past year so I felt a breath of fresh air for the first time in a few months! I am currently seeing a therapist and developing new strategies, particularly to overcome clinginess in my friendships, self-esteem issues and open my heart to all backgrounds and opinions, and its already having a positive impact! I hope you know how much you and your encouragement means to me. And just to clarify, my main friend group that I spent time with these past few years consisted of many people who were very touchy about the subjects of dating and coed interactions, or made excuses not to date me, as if my female friends thought I was a heathen who mistreated women and that every guy was just rotten, and that's the response that I seemed to get every time when asking for a date. It's all really confusing But for sure I'll focus on all my positive traits you brought to light to encourage new growth! Hugs back

Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

I am currently seeing a therapist and developing new strategies, particularly to overcome clinginess in my friendships, self-esteem issues and open my heart to all backgrounds and opinions, and its already having a positive impact!

But for sure I'll focus on all my positive traits you brought to light to encourage new growth! Hugs back

You're most welcome and glad I could help!

I am happy to hear you are working on things with a therapist - and it's so great that it's having a positive impact!! Hooray!!! It can only get better from here. And yes, do focus on all your positive traits the most - there are many!

I didn't quote this part, but perhaps you've been associating with the wrong types of women. These women seem uncertain or ambivalent and perhaps a bit embittered by their own dating experiences.

[DazedandConfused254]

Thanks MickeyCheeky!! Surely you have some redeeming qualities also!

[DazedandConfused254]

Thanks so much Jennifer1967, for that encouragement! It really helps me look at this situation in a more positive light!

[DazedandConfused254]

Yes you were definitely helpful golden_eve! Those were some of the nicest words ever! You are so encouraging! I do agree with you about hanging with the wrong group; a lot of my self-esteem issues that came up within the past year originated in my previous friend group. They were quite not only uninterested in dating, but were also quite manipulative. I'm already making some changes in my life, including the people I hang out with so maybe that will make things all the better! Thanks so much again!

Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

Yes you were definitely helpful golden_eve! Those were some of the nicest words ever! You are so encouraging! I do agree with you about hanging with the wrong group; a lot of my self-esteem issues that came up within the past year originated in my previous friend group. They were quite not only uninterested in dating, but were also quite manipulative. I'm already making some changes in my life, including the people I hang out with so maybe that will make things all the better! Thanks so much again!

I'm so glad to hear this! Congrats on making positive changes and on making better choices/more suitable choices regarding with whom you associate. Good for you! It can only get better from here. Cheers.

[SheilaKathy]

You sound like a great guy to me. Too bad you are too young for me, I'd have loved you. In fact, you sound a lot like my late husband. He was a sweetie too!