Her ex-husband.

My GF's ex-husband keeps making promises to their 10 year old daughter, then he breaks those promises, and makes my GF furious. My GF keeps telling me that I don't show enough empathy to her for what she is dealing with. I am not sure how I can continue to support her when it feels like she takes her anger out on me. It has gotten progressively worse. We have been together for 2 years, but I have my own daughter who I need to stay focused on. Not sure if I should run for the hills or keep trying to give unheeded advice about how to deal with her ex-husband.

Can you talk to her about the fact that she is taking her anger out on you? And explain that it's hard to have empathy when she is transferring her anger at her ex onto you? Or have you already? Your feelings are perfectly understandable. She needs to understand that you also have a daughter to focus on, and while you can sympathize with her plight, it can be difficult to manage both, especially when she's angry. I hope you find some resolution soon. (((hugs)))

Hi, empathy and giving advice are to different things. And are frequently confused by people who are trying to help and have good intentions.

Empathy=> is saying something like "wow I can hear that you are really angry right now, is there anything I can do to help?"

advice => you SHOULD do this..or that. Or not do that ather thing....

There is always a temptation to FIX something. When my husband starts giving me "advice" when I'm stressed out it sends me into orbit. It's stresses me out more because now I'm not doing what he thinks I should do on top of the original stress.

I'm not trying to say that this is you fault. I'm saying that you need to take care of you first, and your own daughter.. Stop giving her advice. Tell her directly that you feel like she's taking out her anger on you. When the 2 of you are in a calm space...telling her when you 2 are in the middle of an argument might not work so well.

Ask her what she wants or needs instead of telling her what she should do. She may just need a hug, or she may not know. It will save you the additional frustration of unheeded advice.

Good luck to you and hope things get easier

Yeah, I think you should talk with her about how you feel about this situation..

Thanks all for the input! It is valued greatly! I have been racking my brain as to how Sunday started off well, but then as the day went on, she kept texting me about her ex-husband, and it became progressively worse. After a while, I began to think "What the hell did I do to bring on all of this!?". Being told that I am not showing enough empathy is rough. I cannot control her ex-husband's actions and neither can she. I understand that she is concerned with how it affects her daughter, but I feel powerless to help.

This may sound like any easy or cowardly way out. But when someone starts flooding me with text messages, I just stop responding them. Then they can have their rant and I don't have to get caught up in it. If they come at me later about it, I'm honest and say sorry, but I had to take a step back, I was overwhelmed and couldn't handle it.

I know in this society everyone seems to think that when someone sends you a text message you HAVE to respond or you are "rude." I say NO...just no. Everyone needs boundaries, especially in a close relationship. You have every right to draw a line and say enough is enough.

Just another thought....have you asked her what she means by "not showing enough empathy."? Ask for concrete specific examples. Some of the examples may be reasonable and doable. If her answer is along the lines of....'I want you to listen to me while I rant and rave for hours verbally or via text." Then that's not OK.

Good advice! I will ask her that.

Another option might be to use active listening. On this approach you don't tell her that you agree or disagree with what she says, nor do you make suggestions. Instead, you show that you understand what she said, without judging it or her.

Let's say that she says You don't show enough empathy.

With active listening you would say something like:

You feel like I don't understand what you are going through.

You don't agree or disagree or make suggestions, you show that you understand.

When you show that you understand (without judging), you are with her. She isn't alone anymore.

Exactly how I felt about it. Through my 4 years of alcoholism recovery, I have made boundaries a very substantial part of my life. We never used to have instant texting, but now it seems like everyone is just expected to respond to every request. It's madness and it damages relationships.

Good luck in your conversation with her.

How about her seeing therapist?

Is she raving and ranting about her ex or about her child being upset? I'd honestly shut her down about too much talking about ex. That's what therapy is for. I mean once in awhile is ok but not constantly.

If however she talks about her child I am not sure about shutting her down. If she can't complain to you about her kids being in harms way, then what kind of relationship is it?

I and my husband keep complains about exes to a minimum but we don't stop each other ranting about kids (we don't have kids together). If either one is upset or worried re kids we are free to rant away.

Good idea about not ranting about exes. My husband doesn't have any exes. this is his first marriage. I have a few, I'm not telling a number

I don't talk about them much unless it needs to be discussed. For example, my daughter's father was violent and abusive. If my husband so much as raises his voices, I freak the hell out. Full on anxiety attack. He understands now. When he watches football and yells I go in another room, shut the door, and turn up the volume on the tv or music.

Actually, that's what I suggested. She should be telling her therapist about these issues with her children. I'm not getting short with her, but there is a fine line where I don't want to intrude on blood family matters.

How serious is this relationship and are you planning some type of commitment? Certainly if this is just casual dating, it's not wise to share that much. Your comment about "blood family matter" was a bit confusing to me. Do you believe only blood relatives could share family concerns with each other? What about spouses? Domestic partners? Can't talk about their worries re children? That kind of relationship wouldn't fly long term. If of course commitment is being planned in the future. Imho