[rdgrad15]

I have a friend, not the same one I mentioned in previous threads, that just doesn't seem to care about being friends anymore. And in all honesty, I think people who mentioned in the past that this friend wasn't really that good of a friend were right. She never really seemed to care much about me despite her telling me. She always complains a lot about everything but if someone else does it, she gets mad. Also she gets mad if someone bails out on her, especially without warning or letting her know or giving a lame excuse, yet she thinks it is okay for her to do the same thing to others, including me. She has made plans with me in the past and then would give a lame excuse, knowing full well it wasn't true, and I would usually let it go.

But recently, she had me waiting for an hour to meet up with her only to have her cancel and say she would not make it. She kept giving reasons she couldn't go. Both were false reasons. She said it was too cold out, yet it wasn't cold at all, and also said it would be crowded, yet it wasn't crowded. I found out later that she just simply wanted to hang out with someone else. Not sure if she still went to the event with the other person or just did something else entirely with the other person.

She has done that on other occasions as well. I politely asked her to let me know next time she plans on bailing out so that way I am not wasting my time waiting around. She got mad at me saying I am clingy and that I need to start trusting her more. She has done similar stuff like that. If she did something and I kindly let her know I would appreciate it if she stopped doing whatever it was, usually it involved bailing out or deliberately ignoring me if we ever do hang out, she would get mad and start guilt tripping me.

She says stuff like I can't believe you still don't seem to trust me after all this time. Yes we've been friends for a while, but it doesn't necessarily make her a trustworthy friend if she constantly does things such as bail out. If anyone else did that to her, and it has happened to her, she gets very mad. Also she claims that she works a lot too. I know she works, and I understand, but I have noticed that she will make time for other friends and even boyfriend, but is always busy when I ask if she wants to hang out.

Also I am always the one who has to ask and when we do hang out, I am always the one who has to do all the traveling using public transit. She can drive and also knows how to use public transit, yet never makes an effort to meet halfway or anything. All of this happening makes me think she really doesn't value me as a friend. When I first met her, she really didn't like me for some reason, but then we became friends. But I now sometimes wonder how true the friendship really was.

She really started talking to me more after she broke up with her first boyfriend three years ago. She talked to me before they broke up, but not as much and only when it was just me and her. And I was there to help her through her break up for over a year after it happened. She took literally two years to stop talking about her break up and she always came to me about it since i never told her to stop or anything like that, even though other people got tired of it. It makes me wonder if she was just using me more so than being an actual friend the whole time. Now that she has a new boyfriend, who is very nice, she suddenly doesn't talk anymore and if we do, it is brief.

I respect her decision but it does make me wonder if she really ever cared. I understand she is in a relationship but I've been friends with other people who were in relationships and they never ignored me. They still treated me just like they had before they had gotten into a relationship. And this is also one of the friends that stopped talking to the other friend I have who I mentioned in a previous post before. My friend who is pulling away treated my other friend who I mentioned in previous posts the same way as she treats me. And a few other people back then told me they don't think this current friend is a good friend.

Back then I ignored it, but now I am starting to think they were serious. Like I mentioned, I understand she may be a bit busy, I have a work life as well. In fact, we do the exact same jobs, only difference is that it is in different school districts. So I know exactly what kind of work it is since it is the same job duties. Only difference is that where I'm at it is called paraprofessional, where she is at, it is called teachers aide. But the job duties are exactly the same. So I know it isn't any busier than me. And the fact that she has plenty of time for other friends but not me kind of means she doesn't seem to care that much. The people, even the friend who used to treat me poorly but is nice to me now, warned me about her and I am beginning to think they were all right.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Ok - I am not ignoring everything you said. It sounded like a fairly unhealthy friendship bc it sounded one-sided.

My question though is this:
She was bailing out on you most of the time n lying when doing it - so why now is it hard for you when she is finally being upfront about her decision to end the friendship? I understand wanting to know how she felt - but the only she could tell you that since she lied so much, even if she did, trust would be an issue. So, I think it would be best to think of it as a lesson learned (not to let ppl zap your energy while you feel unable to do anything about it) and a weight off of you...and then learn ways of moving forward

I say good riddance.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Ok - I am not ignoring everything you said. It sounded like a fairly unhealthy friendship bc it sounded one-sided.

My question though is this:
She was bailing out on you most of the time n lying when doing it - so why now is it hard for you when she is finally being upfront about her decision to end the friendship? I understand wanting to know how she felt - but the only she could tell you that since she lied so much, even if she did, trust would be an issue. So, I think it would be best to think of it as a lesson learned (not to let ppl zap your energy while you feel unable to do anything about it) and a weight off of you...and then learn ways of moving forward

The reason it is difficult is not only because I wish she had made more of an effort to be a better friend, but also just the fact that she feels the need to lie, think that I won't notice, and accuse me of being clingy or not trusting her when I politely ask her to do something such as letting me know ahead of time if she plans on bailing out. Also, as you mentioned, I feel zapped of my energy. Back a few years ago when she complained non-stop about her ex, I almost ended the friendship then. And I probably should have. It got to the point where I became depressed since I was so worn out. Yeah if she doesn't want to be friends, then that's fine. Just wish she could be more honest about it. Oh well.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I say good riddance.

Yeah same. She probably doesn't really care much about me so I really shouldn't care that much either.

[Turtle_Rider]

If there are so many nice people warn you, then You should be careful. If you feel the same thing, then they are right.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Turtle_Rider

If there are so many nice people warn you, then You should be careful. If you feel the same thing, then they are right.

I don't understand what you mean?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

The reason it is difficult is not only because I wish she had made more of an effort to be a better friend, but also just the fact that she feels the need to lie, think that I won't notice, and accuse me of being clingy or not trusting her when I politely ask her to do something such as letting me know ahead of time if she plans on bailing out. Also, as you mentioned, I feel zapped of my energy. Back a few years ago when she complained non-stop about her ex, I almost ended the friendship then. And I probably should have. It got to the point where I became depressed since I was so worn out. Yeah if she doesn't want to be friends, then that's fine. Just wish she could be more honest about it. Oh well.

Honestly it sounds to me that she tried to be controlling n when she failed, she cut you loose n tried to convince you that you are the cause of it.

Controlling people and/or abusive people cannot accept responsibility for any problems. To do so would take away from their ideal. They must remain ideal at least in their own mind if they are to continue to be able to manipulate others.

I hope that makes sense.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Honestly it sounds to me that she tried to be controlling n when she failed, she cut you loose n tried to convince you that you are the cause of it.

Controlling people and/or abusive people cannot accept responsibility for any problems. To do so would take away from their ideal. They must remain ideal at least in their own mind if they are to continue to be able to manipulate others.

I hope that makes sense.

Yeah she definitely tried to control me. She once got super mad at me right before graduating college because I didn't have a job lined up yet. Knew what I wanted to do, just had a hard time finding a job. And I don't mean just disappointed, I mean screaming mad. Stopped talking to me for a few hours as well afterwards and said I do nothing even though I was always doing homework. And also she once told her ex at the end of their relationship that he has to text her every day and see her twice a day if the relationship were to continue. He basically dumped her after that.

Also she would get mad if her best friend from high school bailed out for legit reasons. Once she postponed plans due to attending a funeral to support a different friend. My casual friend got super mad at her saying she needed to hang out with her, not going to a funeral. There are a lot of other cases where she can be controlling. I agree, I think she realizes now she can't control me. She hasn't cut me off completely yet, but I just know from past experiences it won't be long before she stops talking completely. That's why I think she is controlling too. She gets mad if someone does it to her, but then it's okay for her to do it to others. She calls me clingy if I politely ask her to quit doing something when all I want is her to treat me better.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Turtle_Rider

If there are so many nice people warn you, then You should be careful. If you feel the same thing, then they are right.

Yeah some people warned me but I thought they were just being rude or something. One of those people was my other casual friend who would exclude me in social situations. She doesn't do that now, she treats me way better now. But the friend that would exclude me also warned me about the friend that seems to be pulling away. At the time I thought my other casual friend was just being rude or trying to get me to stop hanging out with them, but now looking back, she was actually right. In fact, her being exclusive towards me could have been due to her being ignored or controlled by my current "friend" since behaviors between friends tend to rub off on each other. It is just speculations though. But yeah, I agree with you.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yeah she definitely tried to control me. She once got super mad at me right before graduating college because I didn't have a job lined up yet. Knew what I wanted to do, just had a hard time finding a job. And I don't mean just disappointed, I mean screaming mad. Stopped talking to me for a few hours as well afterwards and said I do nothing even though I was always doing homework. And also she once told her ex at the end of their relationship that he has to text her every day and see her twice a day if the relationship were to continue. He basically dumped her after that.

Also she would get mad if her best friend from high school bailed out for legit reasons. Once she postponed plans due to attending a funeral to support a different friend. My casual friend got super mad at her saying she needed to hang out with her, not going to a funeral. There are a lot of other cases where she can be controlling. I agree, I think she realizes now she can't control me. She hasn't cut me off completely yet, but I just know from past experiences it won't be long before she stops talking completely. That's why I think she is controlling too. She gets mad if someone does it to her, but then it's okay for her to do it to others. She calls me clingy if I politely ask her to quit doing something when all I want is her to treat me better.

If she is being controlling at all I would recommend breaking the friendship n communications asap.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

If she is being controlling at all I would recommend breaking the friendship n communications asap.

Yeah I agree.

[Turtle_Rider]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I don't understand what you mean?

Sorry if I write a bad grammar. It simply means: if there are so many people warn you, you should heed their warning. You should be careful. It's possible if they are wrong and they are just rude, but it's very rare. If you feel and get the consequences -the reason why those people warn you- then they are right. The warning is right.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Turtle_Rider

Sorry if I write a bad grammar. It simply means: if there are so many people warn you, you should heed their warning. You should be careful. It's possible if they are wrong and they are just rude, but it's very rare. If you feel and get the consequences -the reason why those people warn you- then they are right. The warning is right.

Yeah true. I mainly ignored the warnings since a couple of them weren’t all that nice to me about other things but they are fine now and I can now see how they were actually right. I believe the friend that is pulling away really only talked to me out of boredom and really didn’t care about me as much as I thought. She also always gloats about how close she is to her other friend from high school. I understand people are closer to some than others but I feel like rubbing it in other people’s faces is sending a subtle message. She rubs it in other people’s faces too and it annoyed them as well. She claims to also be too busy to text, yet she is always on her phone texting.