I'm sorry

I've heard my parents talking on the other room.. they were talking about me and the difficulties they have in "raising" me.. They don't know that I know.

Why did they never told me this? That I was a burden to them? It's not my fault if I can't make friends or if I have low self-esteem.. or maybe it is?

I thought they loved me, but apparently I got it all wrong..

I feel so lonely right now.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. My parents do the same thing on me too. All I can do is to prove them wrong.

Stay strong.

Hi Mickey

I wouldn't say that parents having conversations like that necessarily mean at all that they don't love you
Sometimes conversations like that can come from self-doubt or querying whether they were/are "good enough", and you know those feelings well, right??!!
And honestly, that those things can/will come up for most parents........most parents who care..........want the very best for their "children" and love them
Won't even always matter whether their "children" have any big issues or not........it can just be one of those things that come with parenthood including times where they feel that their "child" is just so special to them in a million and one ways........and that can be priceless.
So Mickey, please don't base everything you think they feel about you on this one conversation..........and you know what, when things/relationships are difficult, when people go through hard times together..........sometimes that can make the love/bond even stronger.........so I don't necessarily think you have to assume that those feelings aren't still there 101% for you.
Sending hugs



Alison

Thank you so much, both of you You might be right, Alison.. at least, I hope so I didn't know if I was such a burden to them because they never told me.. I guess I know now.

Hey Mickey,

Do you think that it's possible that because you're feeling "self-critical" you might be interpreting their feelings in a way far more than could be warrented???
I'm sensing that maybe they were more discussing some difficulties they had in supporting you (with no manual about exactly what you should do/not do in every single situation when you're a parent!!!) rather than, you being a difficulty...........and those two things are entirely different..........worlds apart!!!
So perhaps about them feeling or being falible, and everyone is falible, not in any sense about you being a burden??
And maybe you could help them a little with that?? Just an idea.......perhaps you could tell them/one of them "I know you find it hard when I..........I find it hard too.......but if you could just........that might help a lot"
So this does not in any way need to be about you being a "difficulty" but about their difficulties..........afterall as you know we on here see you as a really good person and so should your parents, including being real proud of you!!



Alison

Thank you for your sweet words and advice. You might be right about me reading too much into it.. I'll try to see it that way.. and try to help them if they need something from me.

I'm sorry you overheard that

As a parent of a mentally ill adult child I can honestly tell you that it is NOT because they don't love you. They DO love you or they wouldn't bother talking about it.

Having a child or any loved one with an illness is a burden true but, not one that we are unwilling to bear. As the parent I constantly beat myself up with doubt, guilt, and regret. Even though logically I know it's not my fault that my daughter is mentall ill, it still hurts, and I still need to talk about it.

Maybe if you feel strong enough you could try talking about it, talk to your parents about what you heard. It could even be a healing experience for all of you.

I'm sorry you overheard that Mickey and I agree with all of the above. I'm certain your parents love you very much and are concerned about your wellbeing. I especially agree with you talking to them when you're up to it so it doesn't fester and you can see that they do truly care.

I thought about talking with them.. but I'm too scared to try that

But thank you very much

I think it's normal to talk about ones kids. My daughter could be a pain at times but it doesn't mean I don't love her

Mickey, I don't know exactly what was said but as a mother I can say I have absolutely discussed parenting strategies with my husband at different times in our son's life. Our son does not have MI but life has had it's challenges for him too at different times and knowing how best to support him has not always seemed straightforward.

In short I guess I'm saying parents want to help their children the best way they can but (especially when they are still together as a couple) they often need to discuss with each other how best to do this. It's borne out of love and concern.

Please don't feel sorry or guilty, I am sure they would not want that, when we choose to have children we choose to love and support them whatever happens in life, even if it is not always easy to know how best to do this.

Sending you a big hug

Thank you all, a lot I guess I might just be too quick to judge.. Likely it's just a misunderstanding. I hope so..

Mickey,

I agree with everything people have advised you. Maybe just tell them you are grateful for what they have done. I think the transition from childhood to an adult is difficult for all. As a mother, sometimes I feel guilty that I can't help my children more. For instance, I can't provide much money to help them (fund there college education, provide a deposit for an apartment, etc). And as you know, I have my own struggles with MI which surely effected their lives significantly. There is a big debate between my H and I concerning just how much help is truly helpful while your kids are growing up (teens and 20s). On the one hand, people need the opportunity to fail. My son faced many struggles when he went out West and lived in his car but he says he learned from the experience. On the other hand, my dad paid for my tuition and board when I was in school and that surely enabled me to complete a four year degree in four years. Many young adults who get their education all on there own, need longer to obtain their degrees. What I am saying here is that it is hard to know what would be the best way to help our children sometimes. Please don't feel bad that they are worried about you. I worry about mine--Is this what every parent does? Perhaps. Many other parents at PC do. I bet you brought much joy into their lives too.

Growing up was not always pretty. Now that I am in my 50's, I tend to focus on the good memories, but in reality there was trauma as well but I survived. You will too. You are just beginning the transition. I know it is scary but just keep trying. Sometimes you will fail. When it doesn't kill us , sometimes failure helps us grow. The only way forward is just to keep on trying. Whether it is trying a job, apprenticeship, or studying at a university, make some sort of plan and work toward it. Even if you fail, if you truly tried and worked toward the goal, I think you will grow in self confidence. Life is about the journey. I am proud of every job I have tried. I am proud of going to college. I am proud of joining the military. I am proud of the goals my H and I accomplished after marrying. I am proud of the effort I put into raising my children. Not all the outcomes were good. There was a job I was fired from. Not all my grades in college were good. There are many other bad things besides this. That is life but I think working towards goals helps us feel better about ourselves in the end. Through trial and error, maybe you will figure it out.

Lastly, I know you are leaning or have decided to attend a university. I have great memories from my time attending a university. Of course, it was not that way every single day--there was also just the routine of going to class and studying but I also enjoyed the fitness facilities, parties (sometimes), and activities with friends. I did not have a lot of close friends, but I did have some. They come along in college when you least expect it. They change you. They expose you to things, good and bad. It is one of the good things about attending a university!!

I was difficult for my parents to raise and I know they've had issues with me. We even went to family therapy for it when I was a teen. They still have trouble with me since I seem to have needed rescuing from various situations throughout my life, and they've stepped in to help. I accept that perhaps I've been more difficult than my sister for various reasons. I know it's not my fault that I've struggled with mental health issues and have had some problems that have resulted.

It's not your fault that you've had to contend with some issues in life (assuming you have) or with any mental health issues. If it's been difficult for your parents, it's just because it can be. But that doesn't mean they don't love you. Give yourself a big hug and a healthy dose of self compassion.

Think about how your parents interact with you. What do they do that shows (or does not show) love for you?

Thank you all for replying My parents have always tried to support me in every way possible. They're the ones paying for university and stuff. So perhaps I shouldn't have these thoughts.

(((hugs)))) It's only natural to feel the way you felt because you overheard your parents talking. If they've supported you in every way possible, that shows their love for you. As parents, I am sure they want only what is best for you in life -- happiness and to see you doing well and thriving. That's all truly loving parents want for us, anyways. Seems they are loving people. I am grateful for my own parents' support, even when knowing I've caused them some headaches, worry and stress. I am glad to know they are there for me, despite the problems I've presented. After all, isn't that what parents are for, right? To be there for us, no matter what. (((more hugs)))

I agree that such thoughts are natural under the circumstances. However, it sounds like looking at the whole relationship, rather than at just one conversation, reveals a more accurate picture, a picture of love and concern.

My previous post did not really answer your question but nevertheles, I hope some of it was helpful.....

You know how I said it is hard to know what is best for our children. Even when a parent suspects their child may have some problems, it can be hard to know how to approach these problems. They may not have told you about the difficulties they encountered because they love you and did not want to hurt your confidence. They may have been fearful of doing something that might label you. They may have thought/hoped that you would "grow out of" some of your difficulties. You were not the only child out there who couldn't make friends in school and/or had low self confidence. There are many successful adults who have experienced this. I am sorry it reminded you of how lonely you are. You make friends easily at PC. Someday, I bet this will transfer into a IRL friendship.

Thank you all for the amazing support

/\ /\ THIS

Darling Mickster, it's so so normal for parents to vent to each other (or someone else) at times -- because parents get overwhelmed too. lol Do they treat you well? Do they try to be as understanding as possible? Are they supportive and proud of your acheivements? If so then, YAY you won the parental lottery lol.

Sometimes just being an ADULT feels like a burden. Doesn't mean they don't absolutely love you and want the very best for you. They're human, is all.



xo,
Chyia, guilty of punching pillows bc of parental frustration lol

Thank you so much, Chya..

Oh, sweetie, please don’t be distressed. I don’t think it means they don’t love you, at all. Raising a family is hard work, it doesn’t mean there is regret or no love. It’s good they discuss you...they care about your well-being. I wish my parents had done that - I didn’t have parental support. It seemed “cool”when I was a kid, but my father was distant and my mom was cold and self-absorbed. My brother and I didn’t get noticed unless something made them mad. Your situation is different and that’s a good thing. A real family. xoxox