[NotDeadYet]

(Hopefully this is the right board to post this too T-T)
(please don't get to mad about this, I seriously don't understand)

I don''t see the point of putting family bonds on some sort of pedestal and making it the most important bond one can have? Whats so important about it and why does society force us to pretend to care about these people? Just cause they are related by blood doesn't really mean anything. Also in that train of thought, why does it seem like people think you have to be indebted to your parents for doing the basic stuff they a suppose to do? If they didn't feed, cloth and take care of you it would be considered neglect and is quite illegal. Another argument is that it's cause one of them gave birth to you but that also not anything special? Like all the other humans on this planet that have given birth have done the same thing. These all seem like such superficial reasons to care about someone, I think you should care about them cause they give you a reason to not just cause you happen to be related to them, cause you actually like them and enjoy their company. I don't feel like their bonds are any more special than the bonds I have with my friends. I feel pretty indifferent to my family, and my bond with them, they also aren't the most important people in my life. Does anyone else feel the same?

While I won't go so far as to say I'm indifferent to my family, I've been close to that mindset. I've long subscribed to the idea that some people are more familial in our lives because of their actions, even though they may not be blood related.

And I do resent to some degree the idea that we should hold our base genetic bond up on a pedestal. I do hold some of my family members up on that pedestal, but that is because they treat me and others well, regardless of our shared genetic background.

I think the most heartbreaking thing is how many people (especially around these parts) have looked in vain to find that special bond in their family members, and have found little or none. It's times like those when I say forget your familial bond, don't try to hold on to your expectations of what a parent or sibling or cousin or uncle should be; they're nothing to you and you deserve better.

[Fuzzybear]

family of origin were / are not optimal ..

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree that you don't have to bond with your family of origin if you don't like it. If my father was, say, a serial killer, I would not respect him, even if he's my father. However, I think that in the cases your family treats you well, respect them and bond with them is the least thing you can do to thank them and repay them for the hard work.

Of course no one is mad, you are posing a philosophical question or just trying to understand your feelings. It can take years and years to sort out our family's effect on us. It is healthy to assess how your upbringing (some of our temperament comes from our genes which makes it all doubly confusing) effected you and compensate if you can. Sometimes people in our family can be toxic and when we figure that out then the healthiest thing we can do is limit our interactions and ties with them.

I personally feel indebted to my parents but that is because from my POV, they went above and beyond the call of duty in regards to the sacrifices they made for me. Of course, not all parents do this and parenting is complicated and effected by outside events (war, deaths, economy, ancestors, etc). To be fair to your parents, look at their deeds and words when you evaluate whether or not to include them in your life. Above all, did they love you as a child and do they love you now? To me, ideal love includes some of the things defined as love in the bible: "Love is patient and kind....... It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ...... Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." It is hard to love anyone this purely all the time but if your parent(s) believe in you, put a significant portion of their resources into you, are kind and encouraging to you, willing to help you when they can, etc, then IMO, they deserve respect.

[Sunflower123]

Some people have a family of origin and a chosen family. I am closer to some of my female friends then I am to my own sister who I've never gotten along with. I am diplomatic at family gatherings to my sister but that is it. The way you are thinking and feeling is valid.

I am very close to my father since the age of forty when my mother passed. As she horribly mentally abused me so she did him and we are close for that commonality. My brother however was mommy's boy and we had completely different experiences - and hence nothing in common - growing up. My children are my children and we will always be close.

[scorpiosis37]

I think it depends on how your family treats you. My mother abused and neglected me, so I have no relationship with her. My father was loving and supportive, so I'm extremely close to him.

[continuosly blue]

This thread has been so enlightening. I’ve wasted a great amount of time and emotional currency over trying to have a relationship with my “blood”family.
I have siblings who all live far away and are so tied up in self interests that they can’t seem to find the time to even call their older brother to see if I’m even still alive. All the people in my genetic family who actually loved me are gone.
I agree with everything that has already been said. Blood relatives don’t mean a damn thing. It’s how you are treated now that matters. You do have to realize one thing though. Being a parent is probably the hardest job in the world.
They can only be as good as they got themselves. I feel that as far as parents go I do owe them at least some kind of “moral” affection that I believe goes back as far as mankind itself. I remember telling my mother once when I was angry at life , “ well I didn’t ask to be born here “ ! Her response was, “well neither did I “. Blood relatives are all nothing but human beings too. And human beings are very imperfect.

[Mind Tales]

I don’t really know what family ties mean, but they seem to mean something. We seem to share genetic traits to the point where we understand each other pretty well without even speaking. But that sharing of traits is not always a good thing. I think I didn’t get along too well with my mom, because we were so alike, so intense, and so competitive. I think I got along really well with my dad, for the same reason my mom did. He was calm, and mellow, and always happy and constructive in a supportive role.

But genetics must not be all that strong. I grew apart from my natural family, as we grew older and socially different, and as our values changed. It wasn’t a conscious thing, and there was no bitterness. It just happened as we found we had less and less in common, all the time. While growing apart from mine, I grew closer to my wife’s family, and am very close with her siblings, sibling’s children, and now sibling’s grandchildren, with whom I personally have no genetic connection.

[lotusblossom19]

It has become crystal clear to me that most people in my family don't truly value me as a human being because my true feelings don't really matter to them. There are only two family members I believe genuinely care about me. The lack of emotional support is very real. I don't feel related to many of my relatives, as sad as that sounds.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

They can only be as good as they got themselves.

I don't think this is true. Every child who grew up with abuse and neglect can and should make the choice to be better than their parents if they choose to have kids. Plenty of people who grew up in dire circumstances grow up to be good parents.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I don't think this is true. Every child who grew up with abuse and neglect can and should make the choice to be better than their parents if they choose to have kids. Plenty of people who grew up in dire circumstances grow up to be good parents.

With all due respect I have to disagree with this statement and say so. It’s not as simple as “choice”.
If our parents had it bad they already became “damaged” in the ability to make “good “ choices down the road. To make a “choice “ implies free will in which I argue against. Our thinking of “free will” is assuming that we have the ability to make rational and moral judgment decisions on a moments notice, much of the time. I am in no way implying that decisions are just attributed to the accumulation of input into our minds up to that point. I was told once though that you may not be responsible for your actions but you will be held accountable !
I think that says it all without having to understand all the implications that it contains.

Yes, I feel the same. I'm possibly in an unusual place, here, because, I actually wish I could get on with my family. I can't say their bad people, but, understanding n accepting each Other? Hell, no. I firmly subscribe to the belief that, sometimes, the things you find offensive are your offensive. I'm praying that, I'm not the only one in my family who gets that.

Sorry for thread high jack but, boy, I do hear you x

[Losing_My_mind]

As someone who was abused by their family, neglected & in the end put into care because my mother wanted to be with someone who beat the crap out of her & eventually killed her rather than have her children at home,I am missing your point quite frankly. To have a mother, father & for that matter any member of my family give a damn would probably if made my life so much easier, instead I have had to find my way in the dark which let me tell you is not an easy thing to do.
It has also had a big impact on how I cared for my own children, something I hate to admit but it's true.
You should be grateful that you had a family regardless of whether or not you actually want them in your life, but you never will be because you have no idea what it is like to not have this stability from the day you were born.
Obviously there is no law to say you must continue to have contact or even care about them & if you decide you don't want that then that is exactly that, your choice.
Family are our whole stability in life, they are there when we need them, sure not always but pretty much for most.
Sure you have friends but your friends will change & move on & maybe out of your life but your family are your family regardless.
My guess is you are rather young as anyone with a bit of age also has wisdom something that you quite clearly lack.
& the saying "we don't know what we have til we lose it" is so so true but I hope for your sake you never need to find this out & maybe just appreciate what you have in your life.

[seeminglyreal]

Kind of going through that right now. My father left home when I was 6 and we never had a good relationship even before that. He has cancer now and just went through surgery, and while I do feel for him, I don't feel what I suppose people expect me to feel as his daughter. I empathize with him just like I would with just about anyone else that was going through the same situation. My mother calls me cold but I don't understand why she expects me to react to this as if he was father of the year. His illness, though sad, doesn't automatically make me forgive the years of neglect. He still calls me out on any chance he gets, nothing I do is ever good enough and the only path good enough for me to follow is whatever he tells me is good. He doesn't exactly make things easier if he's not willing to admit his own faults.

On an objective perspective, family bonds are needed to pass on resources and knowledge.

[healingme4me]

When love is obligation, is it truly love?

Great topic of discussion that you have here. And one I've spent most of my life pondering.

I'm going through something internal these past couple years as a parent that finds myself posthumously picking apart a piece of my teen years. So, yes, embrace whatever it is that you are feeling and fermenting within you.

[Englishandproud1986]

Yes! Finally someone has said it! I feel exactly the same way. I am nearly thirty years old and up until now, I have tried over and over to 'force' a relationship with my mother, which just isn't their and probably never will be! I agree with the saying that you chose your friends, not your family. It's sad. And I get jealous over people who have strong bond with there parents. My parents have never hugged me or told me they loved me. They are such negative people and I had to walk away. I'm still in contact but I refuse to get close. It messes me up. I say it to my daughter a million times so she knows it. And I make sure that we are friends before anything else. I'm so glad that you posted this, I thought I was alone!