I need more

How many times should I have to ask my hubby for more intimacy/sex before I just give up?

Do you know why he doesn't want?

Why doesn't he want intimacy?

He's tired. Mentally, physically. I've talked to him, he says he'll get back to his old self. But it hasn't happened. I'm left feeling lonely, like it's my fault. It pushes me to dark places. I have lots of feelings about it all, but I numb them..

He's becoming depressed from what it seems to me. If he really wants to get back to his old self he should use the aid of a mental health professional. I recommend starting with a therapist.

The irony is he is one, ha. I guess you could call is hazards of the job

How long have you been married? How are you both with each other on a day to day basis? Are you in love? Besides asking him for sex, what else have you done to liven up the marriage? Have you gone out for a meal together recently?

I know where you are coming from. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years now, and in the first two years we had sex often - but I always initiated. After that I started initiating less and less - fast forward to now, we only have sex every 4 months or so, which I initiate. Did it bother me yes? Very much.

But in my case I realized I kept minimizing and even ignoring why he didn't initiate or want sex. I knew why, but that wasn't so important to me. The only important thing to me was that we weren't having sex.

He has GHD and more estrogen than testosterone. He pretty much has no sex drive as a result. On top of that, he doesn't last too terribly long in bed and this kills him and I final,y realized it left him very embarrassed and ashamed after sex. That also turned him away from sex.

Today I have accepted it and we still have an excellent relationship. He says he loves me and calls me beautiful every day. We kiss and hug and cuddle every day. We play around and laugh together. We binge watch our favorite shows, play videogames, and go out when we can. He's hard working, loyal, and intelligent. He's my best friend and the love of my life and we dream of our future together.

If your husband wont have sex, it would probably help you to get to the bottom of the real reasons why. Being tired is pretty vague. Plenty of people have sex when they are generally tired from work and such. Being tired is the effect of something, and the cause is what needs to be modified or fixed so he is not always feeling so low. Mental exhaustion is generally caused from too much stress. Is there any way he can simplify his life and find more time to be away from stressors?

Also, if he's not having sex with you he should atleast be showing that he adores you and pursues your love in other ways every day. I'm not saying not having sex is ok, what is ok and not ok depends on you and your needs. But for now, until he's better, affection and adoration from him could help give you the patience for him to get better.

I can understand the irony and how it can be complicated for a mental health professional to seek professional help. But like surgeons, just because you are a heart surgeon doesn't mean you can take care of your own heart problems. You'll still need someone else to help you out.

Perhaps couple counselling could be helpful?

I've thought about counseling, but we are pretty good at communicating most times. We've been married going on 14 years. I give him encouragement, and support to try and find what it causing his hang ups, whether work, less time for himself, etc. I also explain to him what his absence of touch does to me. I am a very physical person, and if don't have that closeness, that connection, whether sex, or cuddling, or kissing, or whatever, then it really doesn't matter what his"I love you" means. Show me your love, don't tell me your love. He says he will, he will try, but it doesn't change. If I don't initiate anything, there is no physical connection. We do love each other, but lately (years) I feel more like a household partner for chores, cooking, taking care of the kids. We've had "dates", but only dinner and no "dancing"

Medically, his labs have been normal, his hormones fine. I'm left to blame myself. For the first time in our marriage, I'm thinking about getting out. What would that look like? And then there's the kids, and I do love him, and yadayada. So I feel stuck. A large part of me is empty. I feel empty, and unloved. One can see how this plays a large part in my struggle with drinking, and how it adds to my depression on my dark days. Yikes! Thankfully, and with no good reason I can think of, I've found a small well of strength at the moment.

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. Have you told him in those words that you feel unloved and empty and more like a household partner? If he is hesitant to seek help, you could seek help to help you process and make a game plan. Wishing you the best.

I told him in exactly those words...to no avail. Thanks for the encouragement.

I hate to focus on the negatives...but. Seriously, he is 3 feet away from me and has been playing f***ing Battlefield for the past 4 hours. In the meantime, I cleaned up dinner, brushed out the dog (I asked him to do it earlier in the day), tucked the 3 kids in, got their lunches together for school tomorrow, got his grandmother's paperwork ready for an upcoming appointment, because his father "gets overwhelmed" by the questions, ironed the rest of his shirts, folded the laundry, etc. I gave him a very strong and flirtatious hint before dinner about getting sexy tonight, as I grabbed him, and I waited around all night for him to get off his ***** and love me. Instead, I'm finishing the bottle of wine I opened and listening to Adele on repeat! F*** him, F***me, I wish! I guess I have to do that myself too! If you. We'd me find me on the SA or SI page. I'm done with him tonight!!

Ok, I’ve calmed down some since last night, but I keep moving the line in the sand back further and further. Eventually I am going to run out of room. I want his affection. What else can I do?!

Hello, I have checked your other threads and it seems to me you are taking solace in the bottle rather than discussing this with your husband. Turning to alcohol as a self medication can actually exacerbate the issues and turn your man off. I'm sorry you are struggling, have you looked into seeking help for your addiction to alcohol? Then I would suggest couples counseling if you both want to make it work.

You know how to call ‘em Pegs. The last week or two not-with-standing, I do have a history of enjoying a drink and then a drink too many, for sure. But the past 3-4 months I have really tried to limit my drinking, the amount, when, and where. And during this time, I’ve continued to see a decline in the quality of my relationship with my husband. I have been riding a wave of relative contentment (outside of lack of physicality with him), but I’ve seen that start to change. I’m becoming bitter and detached. I don’t feel loved and so I conclude I am unlovable. I am keen on knowing that Ubciuld easily slip into a dark place, and so I did reach out to a T I had been seeing about a year ago. Long story short, she agrees that something’s broken in the marriage, and that in its current state it isn’t working. She recommends couples counseling too. Not with her, but with someone else. Not sure how to approach that one with my hubby. I’m gonna try again to be physical with him this time, and ask that he try, otherwise we will need to do this herapy thing.

Fact is, I have discussed my feelings with my husband. I’ve used gentle and loving terms, direct and emotional statements, I’ve carved out nights and mornings to spend time with him without the kids so that we can try to reconnect, but it usually comes up short. I was bound and determined last night to not let another day quietly slip away with just another “goodnight peck”. So I told him I didn’t care if he was “tired” or if it was almost midnight. I told him that we were gonna “do it” in the night and the morning! And we did, 11:55PM-12:05 AM. Short and sweet. But it’s a start. Long overdue. Next time he can call the shots, but I hope he doesn’t make me wait.

Incidentally, I have had a similar sounding experience, yet as a male. So I'm speaking from his perspective I guess. I worked with at risk youth during the time that I was with my last girlfriend. The work was mentally exhausting and I was definitely depressed.

I am a little younger and don't have kids, but the effects of my depression were debilitating when I was with her. She wanted to have sex with me every day (several times a day). I couldn't handle it and told her that "I needed time to recharge." She gave me a lot of problems about it but did listen and I was able to do it every other day.

When the male mind gets overwhelmed with stress we shut down. Which is probably why he played battlefield for so long. I am guilty of that as well...maybe not for 4 hours...but I often wanted to escape into video games or away.

The best advice I can give is give him the ability to relax and recharge. Work slowly on him, love him, and know that his mind isn't all there at this moment. He loves you too, he's just a little lost right now. It will come back. He is your husband, he helps those in need every day, and you have kids with him. Sounds like a pretty awesome person .

Also take care of yourself in healthy ways. You deserve to do what you want to do as well. You are awesome for taking care of so many things when he is doing other things. You are making sure that things don't completely come crashing down and deserve to be acknowledged for that.

Your perspective is much appreciated sky, more than you may know. I find tears welling up as I read your post. He is an awesome guy. And I need to remind myself that he is worth the effort of communicating, being honest, and being patient. And, I find it hard sometimes (always) to accept positive things about me, but, I know I do contribute to the family, and to his happiness. Sometimes, when your relationships aren’t going well, it feels like the last straw, like what else is there? It makes me feel unneeded and irrelevant, like I wouldn’t be be missed if I were to walk away. Thanks again for your words

I am always the one to initiate sex and we don't have it on a very regular basis, she will make sexual comments or suggestions at times but never when it is time or place to be able to have sex. I rarely ask anymore mainly because I am not physically attracted to her, basically when I do, and this is bad, is because I want to have sex and there is no other option.